"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Well, I'm having my last ovulation of 2014 and once again it seems as if it is all just a waste.
I mean, I can work at keeping my fertility going as strong as it can be, but in the end, if I can't find a guy to have sex with when I'm ovulating I don't even get the chance of seeing if I could get pregnant.
I've never - not once in my entire life! - had the opportunity of trying to get pregnant! I've never had sex even close to when I was ovulating. Mostly because I hardly ever get to have sex (I didn't have sex then!). And why is that? Why is it that I hardly ever get the chance to have sex? I guess, in part, because I hardly ever meet a guy that I want to have sex with! And, yeah, that's just meet a guy... I didn't even say anything about a boyfriend... I don't even know what boyfriend is... my mind can hardly imagine the feeling and emotions that go along with having a boyfriend...
I'm just so frustrated right now... to the point of getting a bad attitude. I'm just tired of wanting something that I don't know how not to want! The longing has been with me so long that I don't know how to live without it. And I'm not even sure I'm supposed to live without it yet... I don't know much of anything anymore...
Six months ago it felt like it was "raining men" around me... now, once again, I feel like I'm in a drought...
Ugh, I just need some good weather!!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
Procedural
"Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." ~ African Proverb
Well, when I went in to see my OBGYN a month or so ago to talk about what I needed to have done for the HSG procedure to work, he told me that he would dilate me to open my cervix and then I could schedule the HSG. So, we looked at the calendar of when I had my last period, figured out when I should have my next period and I booked an appointment for about six days after that.
The plan was that I would go into his office and he would dilate me then set up the HSG at the local hospital's radiology department for the next day. The only thing was, I didn't have my period. Cycle day 28, 29, 30, 31 came and went... I was on cycle day 36 without my period starting when I went into the OBGYN's to have the dilation. I didn't know what to do... I didn't want him to know that I wasn't having a "normal" cycle... mostly because I just didn't want to deal with any negativity... not that I was positive that he would have said anything to deflate my hopes, but I just didn't even want to take the chance. It was a quandary situation for me... tell the truth and have possible negative response to listen to, or just lie and see if he wasn't an observant enough OBGYN to know where I was in my cycle! lol!
I went with the later. I lied. I told him I had my period six days prior to seeing him. He dilated me, everything went fine, and I was scheduled for the HSG the next afternoon. Oh, but I lied on top of the lie, too. I told him that I might (and gave some weird reason) not be able to make the HSG procedure the next afternoon. I then asked him how long the dilation would last if I were not able to have he procedure done as scheduled? He told me the dilation should last at least a week if not longer. I thought to ask that because I had decided - while in his waiting room - that I probably needed to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side before the HSG. Yeah, you read that right! A pregnancy test?
I mean, I absolutely felt like it would be pretty near close to an Immaculate Conception, but I thought since my period hadn't come and I had slept - note I did not say, had sex! - with a guy a few weeks prior I wasn't sure. Okay, and now you might be wondering, how could she NOT be sure?!!!
Well, you see, what happened was, I went over to some Tinder guy's house (which I had never done before!) and hung (read: got really drunk playing alchy drinking games... and, yes, I am very immature!!!) with his roommate and another friend of theirs. I pretty much told the guys when I got there that if I drank much of anything I'd probably have to sleep on the couch because they lived too far for me to drive home and they were fine with that.
I wasn't wanting to "hit" on any of them... and I really wasn't wanting any of them to "hit" on me... I just wanted to be hanging out with guys, doing things guys like to do... I'm a guys' type of girl!
And it was pretty cool because we were having fun and I didn't feel like any of them were "into" me (remember they're like 23-24 years old!). I liked that. Im very good at being a guy's friend. I'm less good in "other" situations. But, like I said, I did get too drunk to drive home (damn! drinking games are hardcore!). And though, when I woke up in this guy's bed the next morning, I was fairly certain - like 99.5% certain - that we did not have sex, I couldn't positively, absolutely say a 100% because of my high alcohol consumption (go ahead, judge me all you want, I am what I am!).
Yes, I felt fairly sure I would remember having sex, but I didn't remember calling my mom to tell her I wouldn't be home (remember I live with my mom!) - the guy reminded me I did that - so... that definitely made me feel like anything was possible! And no, or yes, I did not have my clothes on... (ugh, this is torture... I should skip over writing stuff like this!) when I woke up next to him. But my point is, .5% of me felt like I needed to be the rest of the 95.5% sure.*
So, the next morning - the day of my HSG - I took the pregnancy test. It said exactly what I thought it would say to someone in my situation... not named Virgin Mary, "No."
Later that day I got ready for my HSG - taking the pain med an hour before - went to the bathroom before leaving my house, and surprise, my period had started. I called the hospital to cancel the procedure and re-scheduled it for a week later.
I finally had the HSG done, it was no big deal, and everything was in perfect condition... and I suppose they cleaned out my "pipes" in the process.
But I do wonder if my OBGYN could tell I was lying. Like, could he tell when he was doing the dilation procedure that it seemed as if I were about to start my period? I'm still wondering about that!
And, if you should be wondering, no, I haven't done one fun guy thing since that night... which has now been like a month-and-a-half ago... I hardly ever do anything anytime!
*And, as a side note: my OV watch quit working so I had no idea where I was in my cycle when I didn't have sex that night... like, none. The biggest symptoms for me of ovulation happening are not, tender breasts or stringy cervical fluid - if I had to judge my ovulation by those symptoms I'd never know when I did! - but by whether I'm horny or not. That's all I could go by: horny, not horny. And that night I wasn't horny! TMI? : )
The plan was that I would go into his office and he would dilate me then set up the HSG at the local hospital's radiology department for the next day. The only thing was, I didn't have my period. Cycle day 28, 29, 30, 31 came and went... I was on cycle day 36 without my period starting when I went into the OBGYN's to have the dilation. I didn't know what to do... I didn't want him to know that I wasn't having a "normal" cycle... mostly because I just didn't want to deal with any negativity... not that I was positive that he would have said anything to deflate my hopes, but I just didn't even want to take the chance. It was a quandary situation for me... tell the truth and have possible negative response to listen to, or just lie and see if he wasn't an observant enough OBGYN to know where I was in my cycle! lol!
I went with the later. I lied. I told him I had my period six days prior to seeing him. He dilated me, everything went fine, and I was scheduled for the HSG the next afternoon. Oh, but I lied on top of the lie, too. I told him that I might (and gave some weird reason) not be able to make the HSG procedure the next afternoon. I then asked him how long the dilation would last if I were not able to have he procedure done as scheduled? He told me the dilation should last at least a week if not longer. I thought to ask that because I had decided - while in his waiting room - that I probably needed to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side before the HSG. Yeah, you read that right! A pregnancy test?
I mean, I absolutely felt like it would be pretty near close to an Immaculate Conception, but I thought since my period hadn't come and I had slept - note I did not say, had sex! - with a guy a few weeks prior I wasn't sure. Okay, and now you might be wondering, how could she NOT be sure?!!!
Well, you see, what happened was, I went over to some Tinder guy's house (which I had never done before!) and hung (read: got really drunk playing alchy drinking games... and, yes, I am very immature!!!) with his roommate and another friend of theirs. I pretty much told the guys when I got there that if I drank much of anything I'd probably have to sleep on the couch because they lived too far for me to drive home and they were fine with that.
I wasn't wanting to "hit" on any of them... and I really wasn't wanting any of them to "hit" on me... I just wanted to be hanging out with guys, doing things guys like to do... I'm a guys' type of girl!
And it was pretty cool because we were having fun and I didn't feel like any of them were "into" me (remember they're like 23-24 years old!). I liked that. Im very good at being a guy's friend. I'm less good in "other" situations. But, like I said, I did get too drunk to drive home (damn! drinking games are hardcore!). And though, when I woke up in this guy's bed the next morning, I was fairly certain - like 99.5% certain - that we did not have sex, I couldn't positively, absolutely say a 100% because of my high alcohol consumption (go ahead, judge me all you want, I am what I am!).
Yes, I felt fairly sure I would remember having sex, but I didn't remember calling my mom to tell her I wouldn't be home (remember I live with my mom!) - the guy reminded me I did that - so... that definitely made me feel like anything was possible! And no, or yes, I did not have my clothes on... (ugh, this is torture... I should skip over writing stuff like this!) when I woke up next to him. But my point is, .5% of me felt like I needed to be the rest of the 95.5% sure.*
So, the next morning - the day of my HSG - I took the pregnancy test. It said exactly what I thought it would say to someone in my situation... not named Virgin Mary, "No."
Later that day I got ready for my HSG - taking the pain med an hour before - went to the bathroom before leaving my house, and surprise, my period had started. I called the hospital to cancel the procedure and re-scheduled it for a week later.
I finally had the HSG done, it was no big deal, and everything was in perfect condition... and I suppose they cleaned out my "pipes" in the process.
But I do wonder if my OBGYN could tell I was lying. Like, could he tell when he was doing the dilation procedure that it seemed as if I were about to start my period? I'm still wondering about that!
And, if you should be wondering, no, I haven't done one fun guy thing since that night... which has now been like a month-and-a-half ago... I hardly ever do anything anytime!
*And, as a side note: my OV watch quit working so I had no idea where I was in my cycle when I didn't have sex that night... like, none. The biggest symptoms for me of ovulation happening are not, tender breasts or stringy cervical fluid - if I had to judge my ovulation by those symptoms I'd never know when I did! - but by whether I'm horny or not. That's all I could go by: horny, not horny. And that night I wasn't horny! TMI? : )
Sunday, December 28, 2014
A Box
"Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains." ~ Kahlil Gibran
Not long ago I decided to make a "vision board." A vision board is where you cut out images or writing from wherever you can find them (most often magazines) and make a collage of what you want in your life. A vision board is supposed to help you in attaining your dreams because it keeps - front and center - images you can see everyday (important for getting deep into your subconscious)
I had a vision board over 20 years ago and it didn't seem to change anything in my life, but I recently thought, what the heck, might as well try it again.
So, once I decided to make my vision board I remembered that I had - over the years - cut out many items that I thought would be perfect to paste to the board if I ever did make another. My only obstacle was where to find all the things I had cut out and kept stored somewhere.
I went hunting! And hunting for me usually takes place in one particular room where I seem to have stashed everything I don't know what to do with. I have plastic "filing" draws with tons of recipes I've cut out over years and years, lots of my art "tools" and things that inspire me to do artwork, and then just bags of papers. Oh, and boxes with papers!
I was a little overwhelmed, but I brought all of what I thought I could use for my vision board to another room where I could more comfortably go through everything and decide what to keep and what I could throw away.
But there was this one particular shoe box that grabbed my interest first so I opened its dusty lid and, like a genie from a bottle, it seemed like the story of my life - from 1989 through 1991, at least - came alive... floating toward me.
The box held letters, cards, and papers with "journal" writings... lots and lots of journal writing. Hundreds of memories - some entirely forgotten, many only half remembered...
I found the names of guys that I had "liked," guys that I had "double-liked," guys that I had huge crushes on, and one particular guy that I was just plain in love with. But I didn't just find their names I read about them from back then: how I met them, when I saw them, what I did with them, what I hoped I could do with them... what I dreamed...
So, what do you do now days when you get such a blast from your past? Go look for them on the internet! There were actually three of the guys that I had become "friends" with again over the the past several years via Facebook, but the others I had to either google their names or search for them on Facebook.
It was crazy interesting to FB "stalk" former "love" interest; playing private investigator to find the more elusive ones. I found them as happily (seemingly) married ones or divorced. They seemed to have aged fairly well. To "look in" on their lives was... really cool! lol!
But there was one guy - the particular guy - who I had been soooooo in love with back then. I had always remembered his first name, but his last name was Slavic and it was one that I had a hard time recalling, much less spelling. However, when I pulled out all of these journal writings - and many had been about him - and started reading them, at the very beginning of one, was his full name. I couldn't believe it. It came rushing back to me how easy his name was to pronounce, but how hard it was to spell. I was beyond excited to - after all these years! - find him.
I immediately checked Facebook but couldn't find him on it. I then googled him but nothing was coming up. I thought that the way I had spelled his name in my journal writing might have just been how I thought it was spelled and not the real spelling. I was frustrated because no matter how I tried to spell his name I was coming up empty handed. I quit that night and went to bed, but the next evening I was determined I was going to find something about him; I knew I would, if I could just spell his last name correctly.
I asked my mom. I told her how the name was sounded out and asked how she thought it would be spelled if it were Polish. She gave me a few options, but when I googled them still nothing came up. I then even called my mom's friend, who has traveled extensively in Eastern Europe, thinking she might have better insight into the spelling of C.'s last name. Once again, I tried her suggestions, but it wasn't right. I wasn't finding him. I looked at the paper with his name on it. I just kept seeing how I had spelt his name and wondering how I should have spelled it. After some moments of looking and thinking I realized something I hadn't thought of before: maybe what I had thought was an "e" in his last name was actually a "c."
As soon as that thought came into my head I went to my laptop and googled C.'s last name with the "c" in it instead of the "e" and voilà I found him! I was beyond excited and then...
I'll let the following correspondence via Facebook tell you what happened next...
December 16
12/16, 2:41am
Hi, M. I am so sad to be writing you.
My name is L. and I knew your brother C.
Yesterday I had found an old, dusty box filled with all of my "journal" writings from around 1989-90. In it I found things I had written about C.
I wrote about how much I liked him. I wrote about fatefully running into him at Mardi Gras in New Orleans - when he was with his roommate Doug, his friend, John, from his fraternity at UVA, who at the time was practicing law in New Orleans, and some of his other buddies and how we had hung out together until 5:30 in the morning. Oh, what fun we had! How infatuated I was with C.!
I wrote about how my "like" had turned into more than that... more like, I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER ON HIM! I thought he was so cute and sweet and nice... and he loved playing basketball just like me... I wanted to fall in love with him! But more than anything, I just wanted to be his friend... I just wanted to be around him... to hang out with him... to soak up all of who he was...
Well, because of finding my writing about C. and all the emotions I had felt for him (the depth, unbeknownst to him, I'm sure, as I was very shy back then) I thought I would try to find him to "look him up."
I was getting frustrated in my search because I didn't have the right spelling of his last name, but I persisted... and finally just now I spelled his name right and I saw that yes, there were things I could read about C. _____! It had felt like a needle in a haystack search and yet I found him... because I read, "C. S. _____, _____, U.S. Navy | U.S. Military" and I was so happy... until I saw beneath that headline something about death. I was like, no, please, no.
I didn't even want to open the link up and read, but I did and it just broke my heart; it breaks my heart now...
I know so much time has passed for you since your brother's death that it may seem ages and ages ago, but to me, just learning of it now, I have all the raw emotions as if it has just happened and I feel so sad... just pure, cry-my-eyes-out sad.
I found your name because while looking up C. - seeing the photo of him in his military uniform and reading about him - there was another name and photo that came up... E... your mother. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, too.
But I guess, even though C. died so many, many years ago now, I wanted you to know that he was never forgotten by me, that he was someone who made a difference in my life, that I looked up, with such great respect, to him for who he was as a person - probably most certainly as a testament to your parents.
I really loved his humor, I loved his intellect. I loved that he could be serious but didn't take life seriously... he was such a free-spirit in such a regimented military, if you know what I mean. I truly held deep feelings for him as the wonderful, charismatic, amazing guy he was, and I hold those feelings to this day.
So many times in life one doesn't know if they have made a difference in anyone's life, much less someone whom they had such a short time around, but again, I want you to know that your brother made an impact upon me and my life... and it was such an invaluable one to me...
I am utterly devastated to learn of the loss of his life... your brother was a beautiful person and the world deserved more of his beauty in its midst for a much longer time than was given... we got cheated... but I guess heaven got rewarded...
Most sincerely, but with such deep sadness,
L
December 16
12/16, 6:46am
M.
Hi L. thank you so much for your letter. I'm crying right now thinking about how much everyone and I loved him. C. lived life to the fullest and without regrets. He loved the Navy and flying so much that he re-enlisted 4 times which put the odds against him. I will definitely share your letter with my 3 kids (my middle daughter is named after him (C.). I was pregnant with her when ________.
12/16, 6:49am
M.
Many of his friends that lived in _______ with him still have an annual triathalon where they talk about C. for Labor Day weekend. Now that everyone is getting older, I'm amazed that they can still do a triathlon! Again, thanks for the wonderful tribute to C.. I'm visiting my dad for Christmas and will also share your letter with him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. M.
December 16
12/16, 3:37pm
Oh, what a great tribute to your brother that you should name your daughter after him… C. is such a pretty and unique name.
Thank you for writing back and letting me know of the tributes for C..… by you, with your daughter, and by his friend’s holding the triathlon. They are so well-deserved! I cried all over again. As I said, for me, it’s as if the events had just happened and I feel shock, like, no, it can’t be. Please let it not be! And still feel so very sad. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing… I think it is because I’m grieving…
It’s funny to me how I wrote back then… I hope it’s okay to share; that you are okay with me sharing… but in one journal entry, February 27, 1990 I say, “On Saturday night I ran into the love of my life - C.! I was so stoked to see him. He was with his roommate Doug, and Rick, K.'s neighbor. He looked so incredibly good. Every time I see him he looks better and better and I wonder why I was never in love with him before. I think he and I look good together.” I go on writing about the night out and how much fun I had with him.
Later on March 7, 1990 I wrote, reminiscing about our time fatefully running into each other in New Orleans, “I can remember looking up during my conversation with one of his friends and he was looking at me, our eyes met and locked, and I wondered what he was thinking. He came over to me and held my hand.”
In that same entry I write, “I talked to John, his lawyer friend from N.O. - a fraternity brother at UVA. I told him how much I liked C. but I didn’t think he liked me in the same way. John said that he got the impression that C. really liked me. I didn’t take what John said to heart. You see l feel as if I’m not C.’s type. John said I didn’t have enough self-confidence. For not knowing me very long he sure had me pegged!”
I continue, “But the thing is, I feel like C. would prefer someone kind of opposite of me - someone cutesy, preppy and blonde. I don’t know. I think if he gave me a chance he would really like me - at least as a friend… we have a lot in common. We’re both kind of free-spirited, we like all kinds of sports and he especially likes basketball. There is probably even more we would find in common if we could ever get together.”
Of course I wrote lots more, but that is just a glimpse of how I thought about C. so much! I guess when you have a crush on a guy that’s what you do… think, think, think on him…
Oh, my gosh, I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion now and I know I will for some time. I have thought of C. so many times through the years, but before I found the journal writings I didn’t remember - even closely - how to spell his last name to even try to find out anything at all about him. I doubted I’d find him single. I expected to see that he was married with three beautiful children. I never in a million years thought that my looking for him would find him lost.
Again, thank you for writing me back. I appreciate it greatly.
Sincerely,
L
________________
So, that's what happened... I went in search of my "particular guy" and I had found that he had died - 20 years ago. It still makes me sad to write that; to think that he isn't in this world any longer.
M., C.'s sister, sent me some photos of him. I posted them to my FB page with the following message:
These are photos of my friend, __ C. _____, who died way too young (32) and who was the kind of guy I think God rarely makes any longer. Even though he died 20 years ago, because I had lost touch with him (too bad we didn't have social media back then!) I just found out two days ago about his untimely death... and I have mourned for my friend as if his accident has just happened... I am grieving that the world was only allowed to know this amazing guy for such a short time... but feel so blessed that I was able to know him at all…
Oh, Life, what are you about?
My only consolation is that, I guess, in the end, I did find something incredible for my "vision board..." the knowledge - the remembrance! - of what kind of guy is my ideal... not perfect... just ideal... and I can keep that kind of guy - front and center - in my mind... both consciously and subconsciously... in that place where dreams can come alive...
Not long ago I decided to make a "vision board." A vision board is where you cut out images or writing from wherever you can find them (most often magazines) and make a collage of what you want in your life. A vision board is supposed to help you in attaining your dreams because it keeps - front and center - images you can see everyday (important for getting deep into your subconscious)
I had a vision board over 20 years ago and it didn't seem to change anything in my life, but I recently thought, what the heck, might as well try it again.
So, once I decided to make my vision board I remembered that I had - over the years - cut out many items that I thought would be perfect to paste to the board if I ever did make another. My only obstacle was where to find all the things I had cut out and kept stored somewhere.
I went hunting! And hunting for me usually takes place in one particular room where I seem to have stashed everything I don't know what to do with. I have plastic "filing" draws with tons of recipes I've cut out over years and years, lots of my art "tools" and things that inspire me to do artwork, and then just bags of papers. Oh, and boxes with papers!
I was a little overwhelmed, but I brought all of what I thought I could use for my vision board to another room where I could more comfortably go through everything and decide what to keep and what I could throw away.
But there was this one particular shoe box that grabbed my interest first so I opened its dusty lid and, like a genie from a bottle, it seemed like the story of my life - from 1989 through 1991, at least - came alive... floating toward me.
The box held letters, cards, and papers with "journal" writings... lots and lots of journal writing. Hundreds of memories - some entirely forgotten, many only half remembered...
I found the names of guys that I had "liked," guys that I had "double-liked," guys that I had huge crushes on, and one particular guy that I was just plain in love with. But I didn't just find their names I read about them from back then: how I met them, when I saw them, what I did with them, what I hoped I could do with them... what I dreamed...
So, what do you do now days when you get such a blast from your past? Go look for them on the internet! There were actually three of the guys that I had become "friends" with again over the the past several years via Facebook, but the others I had to either google their names or search for them on Facebook.
It was crazy interesting to FB "stalk" former "love" interest; playing private investigator to find the more elusive ones. I found them as happily (seemingly) married ones or divorced. They seemed to have aged fairly well. To "look in" on their lives was... really cool! lol!
But there was one guy - the particular guy - who I had been soooooo in love with back then. I had always remembered his first name, but his last name was Slavic and it was one that I had a hard time recalling, much less spelling. However, when I pulled out all of these journal writings - and many had been about him - and started reading them, at the very beginning of one, was his full name. I couldn't believe it. It came rushing back to me how easy his name was to pronounce, but how hard it was to spell. I was beyond excited to - after all these years! - find him.
I immediately checked Facebook but couldn't find him on it. I then googled him but nothing was coming up. I thought that the way I had spelled his name in my journal writing might have just been how I thought it was spelled and not the real spelling. I was frustrated because no matter how I tried to spell his name I was coming up empty handed. I quit that night and went to bed, but the next evening I was determined I was going to find something about him; I knew I would, if I could just spell his last name correctly.
I asked my mom. I told her how the name was sounded out and asked how she thought it would be spelled if it were Polish. She gave me a few options, but when I googled them still nothing came up. I then even called my mom's friend, who has traveled extensively in Eastern Europe, thinking she might have better insight into the spelling of C.'s last name. Once again, I tried her suggestions, but it wasn't right. I wasn't finding him. I looked at the paper with his name on it. I just kept seeing how I had spelt his name and wondering how I should have spelled it. After some moments of looking and thinking I realized something I hadn't thought of before: maybe what I had thought was an "e" in his last name was actually a "c."
As soon as that thought came into my head I went to my laptop and googled C.'s last name with the "c" in it instead of the "e" and voilà I found him! I was beyond excited and then...
I'll let the following correspondence via Facebook tell you what happened next...
December 16
12/16, 2:41am
Hi, M. I am so sad to be writing you.
My name is L. and I knew your brother C.
Yesterday I had found an old, dusty box filled with all of my "journal" writings from around 1989-90. In it I found things I had written about C.
I wrote about how much I liked him. I wrote about fatefully running into him at Mardi Gras in New Orleans - when he was with his roommate Doug, his friend, John, from his fraternity at UVA, who at the time was practicing law in New Orleans, and some of his other buddies and how we had hung out together until 5:30 in the morning. Oh, what fun we had! How infatuated I was with C.!
I wrote about how my "like" had turned into more than that... more like, I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER ON HIM! I thought he was so cute and sweet and nice... and he loved playing basketball just like me... I wanted to fall in love with him! But more than anything, I just wanted to be his friend... I just wanted to be around him... to hang out with him... to soak up all of who he was...
Well, because of finding my writing about C. and all the emotions I had felt for him (the depth, unbeknownst to him, I'm sure, as I was very shy back then) I thought I would try to find him to "look him up."
I was getting frustrated in my search because I didn't have the right spelling of his last name, but I persisted... and finally just now I spelled his name right and I saw that yes, there were things I could read about C. _____! It had felt like a needle in a haystack search and yet I found him... because I read, "C. S. _____, _____, U.S. Navy | U.S. Military" and I was so happy... until I saw beneath that headline something about death. I was like, no, please, no.
I didn't even want to open the link up and read, but I did and it just broke my heart; it breaks my heart now...
I know so much time has passed for you since your brother's death that it may seem ages and ages ago, but to me, just learning of it now, I have all the raw emotions as if it has just happened and I feel so sad... just pure, cry-my-eyes-out sad.
I found your name because while looking up C. - seeing the photo of him in his military uniform and reading about him - there was another name and photo that came up... E... your mother. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, too.
But I guess, even though C. died so many, many years ago now, I wanted you to know that he was never forgotten by me, that he was someone who made a difference in my life, that I looked up, with such great respect, to him for who he was as a person - probably most certainly as a testament to your parents.
I really loved his humor, I loved his intellect. I loved that he could be serious but didn't take life seriously... he was such a free-spirit in such a regimented military, if you know what I mean. I truly held deep feelings for him as the wonderful, charismatic, amazing guy he was, and I hold those feelings to this day.
So many times in life one doesn't know if they have made a difference in anyone's life, much less someone whom they had such a short time around, but again, I want you to know that your brother made an impact upon me and my life... and it was such an invaluable one to me...
I am utterly devastated to learn of the loss of his life... your brother was a beautiful person and the world deserved more of his beauty in its midst for a much longer time than was given... we got cheated... but I guess heaven got rewarded...
Most sincerely, but with such deep sadness,
L
December 16
12/16, 6:46am
M.
Hi L. thank you so much for your letter. I'm crying right now thinking about how much everyone and I loved him. C. lived life to the fullest and without regrets. He loved the Navy and flying so much that he re-enlisted 4 times which put the odds against him. I will definitely share your letter with my 3 kids (my middle daughter is named after him (C.). I was pregnant with her when ________.
12/16, 6:49am
M.
Many of his friends that lived in _______ with him still have an annual triathalon where they talk about C. for Labor Day weekend. Now that everyone is getting older, I'm amazed that they can still do a triathlon! Again, thanks for the wonderful tribute to C.. I'm visiting my dad for Christmas and will also share your letter with him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. M.
December 16
12/16, 3:37pm
Oh, what a great tribute to your brother that you should name your daughter after him… C. is such a pretty and unique name.
Thank you for writing back and letting me know of the tributes for C..… by you, with your daughter, and by his friend’s holding the triathlon. They are so well-deserved! I cried all over again. As I said, for me, it’s as if the events had just happened and I feel shock, like, no, it can’t be. Please let it not be! And still feel so very sad. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing… I think it is because I’m grieving…
It’s funny to me how I wrote back then… I hope it’s okay to share; that you are okay with me sharing… but in one journal entry, February 27, 1990 I say, “On Saturday night I ran into the love of my life - C.! I was so stoked to see him. He was with his roommate Doug, and Rick, K.'s neighbor. He looked so incredibly good. Every time I see him he looks better and better and I wonder why I was never in love with him before. I think he and I look good together.” I go on writing about the night out and how much fun I had with him.
Later on March 7, 1990 I wrote, reminiscing about our time fatefully running into each other in New Orleans, “I can remember looking up during my conversation with one of his friends and he was looking at me, our eyes met and locked, and I wondered what he was thinking. He came over to me and held my hand.”
In that same entry I write, “I talked to John, his lawyer friend from N.O. - a fraternity brother at UVA. I told him how much I liked C. but I didn’t think he liked me in the same way. John said that he got the impression that C. really liked me. I didn’t take what John said to heart. You see l feel as if I’m not C.’s type. John said I didn’t have enough self-confidence. For not knowing me very long he sure had me pegged!”
I continue, “But the thing is, I feel like C. would prefer someone kind of opposite of me - someone cutesy, preppy and blonde. I don’t know. I think if he gave me a chance he would really like me - at least as a friend… we have a lot in common. We’re both kind of free-spirited, we like all kinds of sports and he especially likes basketball. There is probably even more we would find in common if we could ever get together.”
Of course I wrote lots more, but that is just a glimpse of how I thought about C. so much! I guess when you have a crush on a guy that’s what you do… think, think, think on him…
Oh, my gosh, I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion now and I know I will for some time. I have thought of C. so many times through the years, but before I found the journal writings I didn’t remember - even closely - how to spell his last name to even try to find out anything at all about him. I doubted I’d find him single. I expected to see that he was married with three beautiful children. I never in a million years thought that my looking for him would find him lost.
Again, thank you for writing me back. I appreciate it greatly.
Sincerely,
L
________________
So, that's what happened... I went in search of my "particular guy" and I had found that he had died - 20 years ago. It still makes me sad to write that; to think that he isn't in this world any longer.
M., C.'s sister, sent me some photos of him. I posted them to my FB page with the following message:
These are photos of my friend, __ C. _____, who died way too young (32) and who was the kind of guy I think God rarely makes any longer. Even though he died 20 years ago, because I had lost touch with him (too bad we didn't have social media back then!) I just found out two days ago about his untimely death... and I have mourned for my friend as if his accident has just happened... I am grieving that the world was only allowed to know this amazing guy for such a short time... but feel so blessed that I was able to know him at all…
Oh, Life, what are you about?
My only consolation is that, I guess, in the end, I did find something incredible for my "vision board..." the knowledge - the remembrance! - of what kind of guy is my ideal... not perfect... just ideal... and I can keep that kind of guy - front and center - in my mind... both consciously and subconsciously... in that place where dreams can come alive...
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Keep the Faith
"If you desire faith, then you have faith enough." ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I know I posted about Nicole Kidman's grandmother before, but I just saw this latest article and thought it was a nice reminder. Plus, it talks about Nicole, herself, at age 47, still wanting another baby, and if her grandmother could, why shouldn't she think that she might be able to, as well?
I know I posted about Nicole Kidman's grandmother before, but I just saw this latest article and thought it was a nice reminder. Plus, it talks about Nicole, herself, at age 47, still wanting another baby, and if her grandmother could, why shouldn't she think that she might be able to, as well?
Monday, December 8, 2014
Grow Your Own
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." ~ Albert Einstein
Well, someone just sent me a link to this fascinating article. The article is like eight months old, but I guess it's the old adage that you get things when you're ready to receive them...
Anyway, it's an exciting read... and it makes me feel how right I was, five years ago, insisting - against the fertility specialist judgement (he basically told me a GVC - a cell - would be worthless, but I was never thinking of the cell in that moment but in moments years away...) - that he promise to retrieve any of those cells along with my eggs (which he did do)...
I do feel as if I was visionary in my thought process regarding a cell potentially becoming a viable egg... whether it does remains to be seen, but the thought that it could, years into the future... well, that future is finally now...
Well, someone just sent me a link to this fascinating article. The article is like eight months old, but I guess it's the old adage that you get things when you're ready to receive them...
Anyway, it's an exciting read... and it makes me feel how right I was, five years ago, insisting - against the fertility specialist judgement (he basically told me a GVC - a cell - would be worthless, but I was never thinking of the cell in that moment but in moments years away...) - that he promise to retrieve any of those cells along with my eggs (which he did do)...
I do feel as if I was visionary in my thought process regarding a cell potentially becoming a viable egg... whether it does remains to be seen, but the thought that it could, years into the future... well, that future is finally now...
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Journey
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu
I had written earlier that I did go to see the fertility doctor, Dr. M., but I didn't mention that he had told me that I should have an HSG done. I had no idea what that test was, but Dr. M. said that he would recommend any woman trying to get pregnant should have it.
You have to schedule the test between Day 5-11 of your cycle and because I was going to be out of town those days (I took my mom on our annual pilgrimage to her "homeland"), and because we go for a month - a month in which I would have another period, but missed opportunity for the HSG - I wasn't able to get it done until I got back.
Fortunately - because I had forgot the cycle day scenario - I remembered on my last period and got the procedure all set up.
Now, Dr. M. had told me at my appointment - in regards to having the HSG done - "You will hate me for ten or fifteen minutes!" So I knew going into the procedure that it was going to be painful at some point. His staff had suggested I take four Advil an hour prior, but I had some leftover hydrocodone... a pain reliever prescribed when I had my knee surgery. I took that an hour before the HSG.
For the HSG a radiologist comes in and inserts a catheter up through your cervix - basically so all the major parts of your fertility functioning can be seen, i.e. vagina, cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, etc. Well, in my case, the radiologist was having a real hard time trying to get the catheter through the cervix to get into the uterus. He was using every tool of the trade (actually consoling me for having to go the "hard and painful" route) and trying every trick in the book, but he couldn't get the catheter through my cervix.
I had been told previously by my GP and my gynecologist that I had a very narrow cervix, but they didn't seem too concerned by it so neither did I. But when this radiologist said that he had done over 500 hundred of these HSG procedures and never failed to get the catheter through the cervix opening into the uterus I became a little more concerned. Finally, after at least 25 minutes of effort he gave up and diagnosed me with cervix stenosis and told me I would probably need to get my gynecologist to dilate me and then come back in for the HSG.
Upon first hearing the diagnosis I wasn't phased... probably because I had yet to read anything on the internet about it! And the radiologist was surprised that I told him I had normal, pain-free periods, but I didn't know then either that my diagnosis can cause really painful ones. And he and the nurse in the room with me had told me it shouldn't affect my ability in trying to get pregnant because the blood from my periods obviously passes through and sperm are microscopic compared to the size of the catheter.
So, I was feeling alright going in to see my gynecologist about this problem... until he tells me it's more common in menopausal women. And then of course I read more about cervix stenosis and find out it can cause infertility.
That's when I was like, shit, what the hell else does the "Universe" want to throw at me on my Hero's Journey?
But a few days later, when I went in to see my GP and mentioned it all to her, she just told me, "Well, you're not menopausal so that's not the reason!"
I'm not sure what I'm up against on all of this yet. After my next period I will go to my gynecologist and have him dilate me and then the next day I'll go to the hospital and have them do the HSG again. Once that's done I guess I'll find out from either my gynecologist or Dr. M. - the fertility doctor - what I may need to do.
But regardless, it does really suck to keep on having to battle these dragons! Sometimes, I'm like, now remind me again why I decided to take this journey? But it always feels like it comes back to me that, I didn't decide to take the journey as much as the journey called me to be on it!
I had written earlier that I did go to see the fertility doctor, Dr. M., but I didn't mention that he had told me that I should have an HSG done. I had no idea what that test was, but Dr. M. said that he would recommend any woman trying to get pregnant should have it.
You have to schedule the test between Day 5-11 of your cycle and because I was going to be out of town those days (I took my mom on our annual pilgrimage to her "homeland"), and because we go for a month - a month in which I would have another period, but missed opportunity for the HSG - I wasn't able to get it done until I got back.
Fortunately - because I had forgot the cycle day scenario - I remembered on my last period and got the procedure all set up.
Now, Dr. M. had told me at my appointment - in regards to having the HSG done - "You will hate me for ten or fifteen minutes!" So I knew going into the procedure that it was going to be painful at some point. His staff had suggested I take four Advil an hour prior, but I had some leftover hydrocodone... a pain reliever prescribed when I had my knee surgery. I took that an hour before the HSG.
For the HSG a radiologist comes in and inserts a catheter up through your cervix - basically so all the major parts of your fertility functioning can be seen, i.e. vagina, cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, etc. Well, in my case, the radiologist was having a real hard time trying to get the catheter through the cervix to get into the uterus. He was using every tool of the trade (actually consoling me for having to go the "hard and painful" route) and trying every trick in the book, but he couldn't get the catheter through my cervix.
I had been told previously by my GP and my gynecologist that I had a very narrow cervix, but they didn't seem too concerned by it so neither did I. But when this radiologist said that he had done over 500 hundred of these HSG procedures and never failed to get the catheter through the cervix opening into the uterus I became a little more concerned. Finally, after at least 25 minutes of effort he gave up and diagnosed me with cervix stenosis and told me I would probably need to get my gynecologist to dilate me and then come back in for the HSG.
Upon first hearing the diagnosis I wasn't phased... probably because I had yet to read anything on the internet about it! And the radiologist was surprised that I told him I had normal, pain-free periods, but I didn't know then either that my diagnosis can cause really painful ones. And he and the nurse in the room with me had told me it shouldn't affect my ability in trying to get pregnant because the blood from my periods obviously passes through and sperm are microscopic compared to the size of the catheter.
So, I was feeling alright going in to see my gynecologist about this problem... until he tells me it's more common in menopausal women. And then of course I read more about cervix stenosis and find out it can cause infertility.
That's when I was like, shit, what the hell else does the "Universe" want to throw at me on my Hero's Journey?
But a few days later, when I went in to see my GP and mentioned it all to her, she just told me, "Well, you're not menopausal so that's not the reason!"
I'm not sure what I'm up against on all of this yet. After my next period I will go to my gynecologist and have him dilate me and then the next day I'll go to the hospital and have them do the HSG again. Once that's done I guess I'll find out from either my gynecologist or Dr. M. - the fertility doctor - what I may need to do.
But regardless, it does really suck to keep on having to battle these dragons! Sometimes, I'm like, now remind me again why I decided to take this journey? But it always feels like it comes back to me that, I didn't decide to take the journey as much as the journey called me to be on it!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
My Sister
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
~ Herman Hesse
I have three sisters (as well as, three brothers), two, of the three, of my sisters are married with children. My youngest sister - four years younger than I - like me, has never been married and never had children.
When my youngest sister, N. was in her teen years she used to say she wanted to marry an older man (back then her ideal was Jack Lemon!) and she said she would be happy having step-children. Yeah, she actually had thought things out like that when she was sixteen!
N. was always the kind of girl that was a big "hit" with everybody else's younger kids, and then she was real happy to be able to go home without them. In other words, it was just kind of her nature to be able to handle things - like rambunctious, loud, crazy kids - in small doses, know her limits, and then be able to "duck" out when she reached hers.
She dated a guy for twelve years - between the ages of 22-34 - and everybody was pretty sure that it would one day end in matrimony, but it didn't. And it wasn't just that the long relationship ended, but it ended "badly."
After that - which was my sister's first and only "real" relationship - she dated a few different guys. One time, when she was 42 she met a guy that was 21 - a really good-looking, 6'4 guy from Scotland - and they were together for nearly a year. Most likely it would have ended at some point due to "where" they were in life, but that his "green" card was up definitely expedited the demise of them as a couple. She went to Scotland and stayed with him (and his mom!) for a month after he left the U.S., but she had to get back to her corporate job and he was 21 and ready to explore more of the world.
After that relationship ended she really didn't date much. When she would come home (she lives about six hour's drive from me) I would chat with her about guys; ask her about what was going on with her, tell her what was going on with me. But each year she just seemed to get more negative and more negative about men until I finally just couldn't even talk or share my feelings with her any more. It was like she was trying to "rain on my parade" if I even suggested that I wanted a boyfriend, much less a husband. She made me feel like it was a "losers" mentality for a women to want a man. And of course, I have never talked to this particular sister about wanting a child at my age. She'd poo poo that idea as batshit crazy in a heartbeat!
I just chalked up her negativity to being in a "bad" place emotionally. You know the kind of person who - because things aren't working out how they wanted - just tries to act like none of it matters any way, and instead of wishing you well for your dreams of love, just kinda wants to throw water on them so you they get washed away until you don't have any of them anymore. Like I said, I just started avoiding that topic with her all together.
Now, she's just turned 47 and all of the sudden I hear that for her birthday weekend she traveled - from her city to another city ten hours away - to go see a guy. I've never met the guy but I know who he is because it's one of her friend's close friends. He's been "in the picture" for a long time now, but she had never been "in the picture" with him per se. So when I find out she's going to visit him I'm curious, but not sure what it's about. Then, I find out "through the grapevine" that she's now in a relationship with him.
On the one hand, finding out that she has a new "boyfriend" is great news; I'm happy for her, I want everyone - who wants it - to know of intimate love. On the other hand, I'm like, WTF? Here I've been being all positive these last several years and I have yet to "get" a boyfriend and she couldn't have been more negative and crappy about finding love - or wanting love! - and she does "get" the boyfriend!
It all kinda just pisses me off! And it's not my sister's situation that's pissing me off, really, it's more the "nature" of how this love "game" seems to work... i.e., you can want, dream, strive, work hard, be goal-oriented and think positively about every freak'n thing in life and that all can help aid you towards achieving success in what you are seeking, but, damn, when it comes to love, you gotta do the complete freak'n opposite thing!
In love, it seems that, you can't dream about it, strive for it, aspire towards it, work at it, envision it, hope for it... most of all, YOU CAN'T WANT IT!!! And not only that, you get rewarded the more jaded you become about it! LOL! I'm just at a loss... I just must be the worst player - IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (and that is a lot of history!)!!! - at playing the "game of love."
I just feel like calling it a day. Like, give up, already. Like, throw in the towel, please. WTH? I'm just shaking my head and wandering around in squares!
~ Herman Hesse
I have three sisters (as well as, three brothers), two, of the three, of my sisters are married with children. My youngest sister - four years younger than I - like me, has never been married and never had children.
When my youngest sister, N. was in her teen years she used to say she wanted to marry an older man (back then her ideal was Jack Lemon!) and she said she would be happy having step-children. Yeah, she actually had thought things out like that when she was sixteen!
N. was always the kind of girl that was a big "hit" with everybody else's younger kids, and then she was real happy to be able to go home without them. In other words, it was just kind of her nature to be able to handle things - like rambunctious, loud, crazy kids - in small doses, know her limits, and then be able to "duck" out when she reached hers.
She dated a guy for twelve years - between the ages of 22-34 - and everybody was pretty sure that it would one day end in matrimony, but it didn't. And it wasn't just that the long relationship ended, but it ended "badly."
After that - which was my sister's first and only "real" relationship - she dated a few different guys. One time, when she was 42 she met a guy that was 21 - a really good-looking, 6'4 guy from Scotland - and they were together for nearly a year. Most likely it would have ended at some point due to "where" they were in life, but that his "green" card was up definitely expedited the demise of them as a couple. She went to Scotland and stayed with him (and his mom!) for a month after he left the U.S., but she had to get back to her corporate job and he was 21 and ready to explore more of the world.
After that relationship ended she really didn't date much. When she would come home (she lives about six hour's drive from me) I would chat with her about guys; ask her about what was going on with her, tell her what was going on with me. But each year she just seemed to get more negative and more negative about men until I finally just couldn't even talk or share my feelings with her any more. It was like she was trying to "rain on my parade" if I even suggested that I wanted a boyfriend, much less a husband. She made me feel like it was a "losers" mentality for a women to want a man. And of course, I have never talked to this particular sister about wanting a child at my age. She'd poo poo that idea as batshit crazy in a heartbeat!
I just chalked up her negativity to being in a "bad" place emotionally. You know the kind of person who - because things aren't working out how they wanted - just tries to act like none of it matters any way, and instead of wishing you well for your dreams of love, just kinda wants to throw water on them so you they get washed away until you don't have any of them anymore. Like I said, I just started avoiding that topic with her all together.
Now, she's just turned 47 and all of the sudden I hear that for her birthday weekend she traveled - from her city to another city ten hours away - to go see a guy. I've never met the guy but I know who he is because it's one of her friend's close friends. He's been "in the picture" for a long time now, but she had never been "in the picture" with him per se. So when I find out she's going to visit him I'm curious, but not sure what it's about. Then, I find out "through the grapevine" that she's now in a relationship with him.
On the one hand, finding out that she has a new "boyfriend" is great news; I'm happy for her, I want everyone - who wants it - to know of intimate love. On the other hand, I'm like, WTF? Here I've been being all positive these last several years and I have yet to "get" a boyfriend and she couldn't have been more negative and crappy about finding love - or wanting love! - and she does "get" the boyfriend!
It all kinda just pisses me off! And it's not my sister's situation that's pissing me off, really, it's more the "nature" of how this love "game" seems to work... i.e., you can want, dream, strive, work hard, be goal-oriented and think positively about every freak'n thing in life and that all can help aid you towards achieving success in what you are seeking, but, damn, when it comes to love, you gotta do the complete freak'n opposite thing!
In love, it seems that, you can't dream about it, strive for it, aspire towards it, work at it, envision it, hope for it... most of all, YOU CAN'T WANT IT!!! And not only that, you get rewarded the more jaded you become about it! LOL! I'm just at a loss... I just must be the worst player - IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (and that is a lot of history!)!!! - at playing the "game of love."
I just feel like calling it a day. Like, give up, already. Like, throw in the towel, please. WTH? I'm just shaking my head and wandering around in squares!
Monday, October 27, 2014
Older (and Wiser?)
"Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ~ Shel Silverstein
I found out a few months back that my best friend - since 7th grade! - had a really, really hard time when she turned 50 last November. I asked her why, and she gave me - what I thought - the most non-sensical answer EVER!
My friend, MJ, told me that turning 50 was so upsetting to her because it was just ten years away from 60! I was like, WTF (really, I think I said that!)? I told MJ that she didn't even have a tomorrow for sure, so why worry about something that was ten years away! I didn't understand how she couldn't live more in the moment on this particular thing... and I'm usually not one to judge anyone for any of their "hangups" (probably due to having so many of my own! lol!).
But really, I just didn't get her; I didn't get that worry about something so out of ones control.
I don't think I had too much of a problem turning 50. I mean, for trying to get pregnant at 50, I guess I had thoughts about wishing it were different - that I wasn't going into "miracle" territory for birthing a baby - but I didn't feel physically or mentally much different.
And then, I got real used to being 50 when I joined Tinder. Because Tinder is based on your Facebook profile and it has a photo of you and your age is shown very prominently - it nearly takes up the whole page (or maybe it just seems so large because it's telling the world your 50 when you wish it was saying, 39!)! But whatever, I was just dealing with being 50, and because I wasn't feeling as old as 50 it didn't seem to bother me too much.
Then, on October 1st (yep, less than a month ago), I turned 51. And sometime during that day my Tinder profile got updated (I'm posting a pic - tho, blurred - of me and my profile) and it showed my same smiling face but with my new age... 51. Ugh! I didn't like it. I didn't like the look of it... maybe it's the even number decade thing of being 50, but having the number be 51 just threw me off... like, way off... I wasn't having panicky attacks, like my friend MJ, because I was that much closer to 60 (there is so much I'm trying to do right now that I can't put my attention on things too far away!), but I did have a much harder time with this years birthday than some in the past - and especially over last years! And it's just kinda interesting to me how I felt... bummed.
But, in the end, I just know that I have to keep concentrating on the positive things I can do to help me get the life I've always dreamed of having. I can't bother with those negative things that I can't control... and as much as I might like, I can't control how old I am, so why should I worry on that.
It's my job to believe that God has a perfect plan for my life. I already know His plan isn't anything close to mine - I wouldn't be writing this blog if it were!!! So, I've just got to stay focused on being faith-filled - over all my obstacles - and know that whatever awaits me is for my greater good.
This blog is called, Dreaming Miracles. I gave the blog its name for a reason... and the reason was because I knew, however long it took, it was going to be a miracle - it didn't matter, doesn't matter, if I'm 46 or 50+ - it was always going to be a miracle. And it still will be.
I found out a few months back that my best friend - since 7th grade! - had a really, really hard time when she turned 50 last November. I asked her why, and she gave me - what I thought - the most non-sensical answer EVER!
My friend, MJ, told me that turning 50 was so upsetting to her because it was just ten years away from 60! I was like, WTF (really, I think I said that!)? I told MJ that she didn't even have a tomorrow for sure, so why worry about something that was ten years away! I didn't understand how she couldn't live more in the moment on this particular thing... and I'm usually not one to judge anyone for any of their "hangups" (probably due to having so many of my own! lol!).
But really, I just didn't get her; I didn't get that worry about something so out of ones control.
I don't think I had too much of a problem turning 50. I mean, for trying to get pregnant at 50, I guess I had thoughts about wishing it were different - that I wasn't going into "miracle" territory for birthing a baby - but I didn't feel physically or mentally much different.
And then, I got real used to being 50 when I joined Tinder. Because Tinder is based on your Facebook profile and it has a photo of you and your age is shown very prominently - it nearly takes up the whole page (or maybe it just seems so large because it's telling the world your 50 when you wish it was saying, 39!)! But whatever, I was just dealing with being 50, and because I wasn't feeling as old as 50 it didn't seem to bother me too much.
Then, on October 1st (yep, less than a month ago), I turned 51. And sometime during that day my Tinder profile got updated (I'm posting a pic - tho, blurred - of me and my profile) and it showed my same smiling face but with my new age... 51. Ugh! I didn't like it. I didn't like the look of it... maybe it's the even number decade thing of being 50, but having the number be 51 just threw me off... like, way off... I wasn't having panicky attacks, like my friend MJ, because I was that much closer to 60 (there is so much I'm trying to do right now that I can't put my attention on things too far away!), but I did have a much harder time with this years birthday than some in the past - and especially over last years! And it's just kinda interesting to me how I felt... bummed.
But, in the end, I just know that I have to keep concentrating on the positive things I can do to help me get the life I've always dreamed of having. I can't bother with those negative things that I can't control... and as much as I might like, I can't control how old I am, so why should I worry on that.
It's my job to believe that God has a perfect plan for my life. I already know His plan isn't anything close to mine - I wouldn't be writing this blog if it were!!! So, I've just got to stay focused on being faith-filled - over all my obstacles - and know that whatever awaits me is for my greater good.
This blog is called, Dreaming Miracles. I gave the blog its name for a reason... and the reason was because I knew, however long it took, it was going to be a miracle - it didn't matter, doesn't matter, if I'm 46 or 50+ - it was always going to be a miracle. And it still will be.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Déjà Vu
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. ~ Walter Bagehot
So, for the second time in the past four months, I've had my OV watch let me know that I was both ovulating AND on my period!
I had written before how my GP doctor had told me that older woman often ovulate twice in one cycle (though if you Google that it will say it's impossible!) and is why they often have twins. She has suggested that I definitely have sex while on my period for the exact reason that I would up my chances of getting pregnant.
Well, now, like I said, it's happened again (and mind you, my doctor has done at least four different lab work panels to determine if the watch was correct when it was telling me I was ovulating and it has been on "target" every time).
I'm posting photos to show the results from the OV watch. The first is me starting my period on my 51st birthday (oh, I haven't written about that latest milestone, have I?) - but, seriously, why does my period start on my birthday so often? lol! - AND it being Ovulation Day 1 on Cycle Day 29 (a "normal" cycle of when my period would start).
Once I started my period on Cycle Day 29 (even though I was ovulating) I had to put in a new sensor for the watch to let me know when, during my "new" cycle, ovulation would occur.
So, the second photo shows Fertile Day 1 on my Cycle Day 11 (the watch will tell you the four fertile days leading up to ovulation, your Ovulation Day 1, Ovulation Day 2, and the two "less fertile" days after ovulation) which was on October 11th - meaning my ovulation day would occur four days later on my Cycle Day 15 which is "normal" for me.
I guess my take-away from this is that if you are older and you want to have the best chance of getting pregnant, don't just try when you think your ovulating... try when you're on your period, too!
I had written before how my GP doctor had told me that older woman often ovulate twice in one cycle (though if you Google that it will say it's impossible!) and is why they often have twins. She has suggested that I definitely have sex while on my period for the exact reason that I would up my chances of getting pregnant.
Well, now, like I said, it's happened again (and mind you, my doctor has done at least four different lab work panels to determine if the watch was correct when it was telling me I was ovulating and it has been on "target" every time).
I'm posting photos to show the results from the OV watch. The first is me starting my period on my 51st birthday (oh, I haven't written about that latest milestone, have I?) - but, seriously, why does my period start on my birthday so often? lol! - AND it being Ovulation Day 1 on Cycle Day 29 (a "normal" cycle of when my period would start).
Once I started my period on Cycle Day 29 (even though I was ovulating) I had to put in a new sensor for the watch to let me know when, during my "new" cycle, ovulation would occur.
So, the second photo shows Fertile Day 1 on my Cycle Day 11 (the watch will tell you the four fertile days leading up to ovulation, your Ovulation Day 1, Ovulation Day 2, and the two "less fertile" days after ovulation) which was on October 11th - meaning my ovulation day would occur four days later on my Cycle Day 15 which is "normal" for me.
I guess my take-away from this is that if you are older and you want to have the best chance of getting pregnant, don't just try when you think your ovulating... try when you're on your period, too!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Fertility Doctor
"You are never to old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." ~ C.S. Lewis
I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist over a month ago because of G.G. You see, when G.G. had told me he would have the baby with me I thought - because he lives so far away - that I would have to have his sperm deposited at a clinic where he lives and sent to the clinic where I live and then have a doctor do an IUI - intrauterine insemination - on me. Logistically, it was a nightmare, but I was just like, it's only another "dragon."
Then, of course, as I said in my previous post, G.G. bailed on me. Wasn't holding my breath, so I didn't get too badly hurt. But then the question was, should I cancel this really hard-to-get appointment with the fertility doctor or not? I mean, did I really need him, after all, if I wasn't going to have to have G.G. do a sperm deposit, have it cryopreserved, and then have to have the IUI done? I debated canceling the appointment, but ended up deciding to keep it.
But there was another huge thing weighing on my mind in regards to this fertility clinic and the doctor. I didn't know what their "cut-off" age was. My Chinese acupuncturist was the one who had referred me to this particular clinic because she said the doctor had gotten a 54 year old woman pregnant. But I have enough knowledge of fertility clinics - though I know I could use more! - to know that I might need to lie about my age. I didn't trust that just going in and telling them I was 50 was going to allow me to see the doctor.
So, at first, when I did contact the clinic, I said I was forty. But I knew that I was going to need to show them my blood work and other stuff (how did that 60 year old woman who got fertility treatment and got pregnant lie about everything? I guess if you have the money to pay out-of-pocket you can, huh?) and decided to get my GP's office to call... and the cut-off age was 50! And actually, for most fertility clinics, that is more a rarity than a norm to have the cut-off be so "late."
I decided to keep the appointment. I had brought my most recent blood work (I have a photo of that lab work - the day I was ovulating according to my OV Watch - at the bottom of the page) and when the nurse brought me in to the doctor I saw he had it in front of him on his desk.
As doctors go, especially knowing the fertility "industry," he seemed like a nice, good one. Of course, one of the first things he said to me was that he recommends that woman over age 43 use donor eggs. I was like, dude (though I'm sure I said, doctor!) you have my lab work there in your hands, you can see my fertility is perfectly good RIGHT NOW! He goes on to explain that 10% of older woman have kids with Down Syndrome (I had actually thought it was a higher number than that) and other complications, etc.
Later, when I talked to Dr. M., my GP, she said - when the doctor gave me those Down Syndrome stats - that I should have told him younger woman have more kids with Down Syndrome than older woman (I don't know that stat, but I trust my GP to know!).
But when this fertility doctor, Dr. K., told me all the "shit" I was like, I know you have an ethical obligation to tell me everything you are telling me, but it's just going in one ear and out the other. Yeah, I really did say that!
I did ask him about the 54 year old woman my acupuncturist had told me about and he said that she had used donor eggs. It really would have been "cool" to know that she got pregnant using her own eggs, but it didn't affect me - my goal - that she hadn't.
Several times during our conversation he would say, "I'll try" and every time he did I would add, "And I'll succeed!" I think that happened three or four times. I told him that I don't know what kind of patients he's dealt with up to that point in his long career, but he had yet to meet anyone like me.
And when he walked me to the check-out, before he left, I whispered in his ear that he would be lucky if he got to be a part of my miracle! And he just told me, "That's the best part of my job."
I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist over a month ago because of G.G. You see, when G.G. had told me he would have the baby with me I thought - because he lives so far away - that I would have to have his sperm deposited at a clinic where he lives and sent to the clinic where I live and then have a doctor do an IUI - intrauterine insemination - on me. Logistically, it was a nightmare, but I was just like, it's only another "dragon."
Then, of course, as I said in my previous post, G.G. bailed on me. Wasn't holding my breath, so I didn't get too badly hurt. But then the question was, should I cancel this really hard-to-get appointment with the fertility doctor or not? I mean, did I really need him, after all, if I wasn't going to have to have G.G. do a sperm deposit, have it cryopreserved, and then have to have the IUI done? I debated canceling the appointment, but ended up deciding to keep it.
But there was another huge thing weighing on my mind in regards to this fertility clinic and the doctor. I didn't know what their "cut-off" age was. My Chinese acupuncturist was the one who had referred me to this particular clinic because she said the doctor had gotten a 54 year old woman pregnant. But I have enough knowledge of fertility clinics - though I know I could use more! - to know that I might need to lie about my age. I didn't trust that just going in and telling them I was 50 was going to allow me to see the doctor.
So, at first, when I did contact the clinic, I said I was forty. But I knew that I was going to need to show them my blood work and other stuff (how did that 60 year old woman who got fertility treatment and got pregnant lie about everything? I guess if you have the money to pay out-of-pocket you can, huh?) and decided to get my GP's office to call... and the cut-off age was 50! And actually, for most fertility clinics, that is more a rarity than a norm to have the cut-off be so "late."
I decided to keep the appointment. I had brought my most recent blood work (I have a photo of that lab work - the day I was ovulating according to my OV Watch - at the bottom of the page) and when the nurse brought me in to the doctor I saw he had it in front of him on his desk.
As doctors go, especially knowing the fertility "industry," he seemed like a nice, good one. Of course, one of the first things he said to me was that he recommends that woman over age 43 use donor eggs. I was like, dude (though I'm sure I said, doctor!) you have my lab work there in your hands, you can see my fertility is perfectly good RIGHT NOW! He goes on to explain that 10% of older woman have kids with Down Syndrome (I had actually thought it was a higher number than that) and other complications, etc.
Later, when I talked to Dr. M., my GP, she said - when the doctor gave me those Down Syndrome stats - that I should have told him younger woman have more kids with Down Syndrome than older woman (I don't know that stat, but I trust my GP to know!).
But when this fertility doctor, Dr. K., told me all the "shit" I was like, I know you have an ethical obligation to tell me everything you are telling me, but it's just going in one ear and out the other. Yeah, I really did say that!
I did ask him about the 54 year old woman my acupuncturist had told me about and he said that she had used donor eggs. It really would have been "cool" to know that she got pregnant using her own eggs, but it didn't affect me - my goal - that she hadn't.
Several times during our conversation he would say, "I'll try" and every time he did I would add, "And I'll succeed!" I think that happened three or four times. I told him that I don't know what kind of patients he's dealt with up to that point in his long career, but he had yet to meet anyone like me.
And when he walked me to the check-out, before he left, I whispered in his ear that he would be lucky if he got to be a part of my miracle! And he just told me, "That's the best part of my job."
M.I.A.
"If a story is in you, it has got to come out." ~ William Faulkner
So, I guess I've been like, Missing In Action on writing posts. I think it's the longest time since I started the blog that I haven't written something... anything... and it isn't because I've had nothing to say - I have plenty to say - I've just had "circumstances" going on. I will write about those "circumstances" as I can.
So, I guess I've been like, Missing In Action on writing posts. I think it's the longest time since I started the blog that I haven't written something... anything... and it isn't because I've had nothing to say - I have plenty to say - I've just had "circumstances" going on. I will write about those "circumstances" as I can.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Meaning of Life
"You run the show... this is your life, you're in control. You gotta do what feels right in your heart... You don't gotta be great to get started, but you gotta get started to be great!" ~ The Meaning of Life, explained by 3rd Graders
Watch the video with your eyes, but "hear" it with your... heart!
Watch the video with your eyes, but "hear" it with your... heart!
Monday, September 1, 2014
Rollercoaster
"Others can stop you temporarily -- you are the only one who can do it permanently." ~ Zig Ziglar
Wow! Just... wow!
If you knew what I have been through in the last week - without even leaving my fucking room (and, yes, I feel the need to use curse words, so pardon me in advance!) - you would be like, how the fuck does this girl get herself into all of these situations? You'd be like, I know she wants to be a published writer, but does all the material for her books have to be non-fiction, as in real-life, true events?
Good grief. I can't even go into to talking about C. because that is a book, in and of itself, that is being written now. I can go into talking about G.G. - my first "true" love, my old flame, who came back into my life riding his white horse and telling me he wanted to make a baby with me - yeah, I can talk about G.G.
I know that a few post back I wrote that I was done holding my breath on any guy. Like, literally, if the Pope (I'm Catholic) promised me, in person, that he would say a prayer for me, I would be like, thanks, but I ain't holding my breath, padre!
So, G.G. has been calling me at least every other day for the past month... and he talks, and talks, and talks, about what's going on his life, and I listen until I'm falling over going to sleep. Though, somewhere in there, before I'm heading to Zzz-land, I get a word in edge-wise asking about the baby we're supposed to be making. And he told me - very straightforwardly - that if he had a baby with me that he wanted to be a part of the child's life. Not on the periphery, but fully involved.
Two things were foremost in his mind. One, he was adopted, and two, he had gotten a girl pregnant some years ago and was not told about it by the mother until the child was three years old. By then the woman was living far away and had given him no opportunities of being involved in his daughter's life, despite his since paying child support, etc.
I understood where G.G. was coming from. I know him. But I also know me. I told him I was not her - this woman that had, in essence, betrayed him. I had honor and integrity and I would never treat him wrongly, as she had done, in relationship to "our" child.
However, because I knew that I would never want to do anything to G.G. that was in any way underhanded and not totally truthful, I admitted that I could see me moving to where he lived - that far, far away place - for the child's birth and through to when he was school age. But then, I told G.G., I didn't know if I would want to stay there. I said, who knows what the future holds, but I would never want to feel like I was "jailed" in. Because, truthfully, as it is right now, my mind can't envision me living in that far, far away place for the rest of my life.
But, I told, G.G., if that's the worst case scenario, I would always make sure that we - the child and/or I would spend as much time where he lived as possible - holidays, summers, etc. Like I said, I was trying to be perfectly honest about my thoughts so that he would never feel like I had "done wrong" by him.
Well, now I just want to say, fuck honesty! What a fucking mistake it feels like to be so fucking honorable! Because - and it's just been like a half hour ago - G.G. comes out and says - and mind you, he's the one that offered to have a child with me, and had the past month to think on his offer! - he can't have a child with me. He explains the situation he has told me of before. I tell him that I can't predict the future I was just telling him my honest thoughts. Nope, he's out, he says (or to that effect!).
I could feel my face just burning red, like I had been out in the harsh, tropical sun for hours without sunscreen or a hat. I wanted to say, "Fuck you, you fucking asshole!" but I just told him, "Thanks for letting me know this now; it will let me move on and continue to look for someone who will help me." I ended our conversation by saying, "Thanks. Love you. Bye." and hung up.
The funny things is - except for that instantaneous reaction of feeling my face burning red - I didn't have any other emotions... no wailing and gnashing of teeth. See, not holding my breath had prepared me for just such an occurrence. I had written something along the lines of, until those sperm are shot up inside me... I wasn't believing nothing. One might say, well, maybe your "negative" attitude had sabotaged what might have happened, but I would just say back, not even!
G.G. doing what he did to me doesn't just hurt because he was my dream, he was who I had always hoped to have a child with, but it hurts because I know I'm back to where I was with him - lost. The only thing is, this time it's my choice to be lost to him. My life is too fucking short to be on a fucking merry-go-round with guys like him. I got my own shit of baggage to deal with, and adding all the shit he has, to mine, would fucking make me drown in a foot of water!
It's better to cut my losses now and know what I'm up against. I might wake in the middle of the night and cry my eyes out over losing G.G. again - and, yes, especially since I thought I was so close to gaining what I had wanted from him for all these many, many years - but right now, in this moment, I'm just like, "Next!" And that, "Next!" probably seems shallow and maybe even a little flakey, but it's not... I got my eyes wide open and, "Next!" is the only option I have. But the thing is, whatever, "Next!" is, well, that's probably what's exactly right anyway!
So bring on, "Next!"
If you knew what I have been through in the last week - without even leaving my fucking room (and, yes, I feel the need to use curse words, so pardon me in advance!) - you would be like, how the fuck does this girl get herself into all of these situations? You'd be like, I know she wants to be a published writer, but does all the material for her books have to be non-fiction, as in real-life, true events?
Good grief. I can't even go into to talking about C. because that is a book, in and of itself, that is being written now. I can go into talking about G.G. - my first "true" love, my old flame, who came back into my life riding his white horse and telling me he wanted to make a baby with me - yeah, I can talk about G.G.
I know that a few post back I wrote that I was done holding my breath on any guy. Like, literally, if the Pope (I'm Catholic) promised me, in person, that he would say a prayer for me, I would be like, thanks, but I ain't holding my breath, padre!
So, G.G. has been calling me at least every other day for the past month... and he talks, and talks, and talks, about what's going on his life, and I listen until I'm falling over going to sleep. Though, somewhere in there, before I'm heading to Zzz-land, I get a word in edge-wise asking about the baby we're supposed to be making. And he told me - very straightforwardly - that if he had a baby with me that he wanted to be a part of the child's life. Not on the periphery, but fully involved.
Two things were foremost in his mind. One, he was adopted, and two, he had gotten a girl pregnant some years ago and was not told about it by the mother until the child was three years old. By then the woman was living far away and had given him no opportunities of being involved in his daughter's life, despite his since paying child support, etc.
I understood where G.G. was coming from. I know him. But I also know me. I told him I was not her - this woman that had, in essence, betrayed him. I had honor and integrity and I would never treat him wrongly, as she had done, in relationship to "our" child.
However, because I knew that I would never want to do anything to G.G. that was in any way underhanded and not totally truthful, I admitted that I could see me moving to where he lived - that far, far away place - for the child's birth and through to when he was school age. But then, I told G.G., I didn't know if I would want to stay there. I said, who knows what the future holds, but I would never want to feel like I was "jailed" in. Because, truthfully, as it is right now, my mind can't envision me living in that far, far away place for the rest of my life.
But, I told, G.G., if that's the worst case scenario, I would always make sure that we - the child and/or I would spend as much time where he lived as possible - holidays, summers, etc. Like I said, I was trying to be perfectly honest about my thoughts so that he would never feel like I had "done wrong" by him.
Well, now I just want to say, fuck honesty! What a fucking mistake it feels like to be so fucking honorable! Because - and it's just been like a half hour ago - G.G. comes out and says - and mind you, he's the one that offered to have a child with me, and had the past month to think on his offer! - he can't have a child with me. He explains the situation he has told me of before. I tell him that I can't predict the future I was just telling him my honest thoughts. Nope, he's out, he says (or to that effect!).
I could feel my face just burning red, like I had been out in the harsh, tropical sun for hours without sunscreen or a hat. I wanted to say, "Fuck you, you fucking asshole!" but I just told him, "Thanks for letting me know this now; it will let me move on and continue to look for someone who will help me." I ended our conversation by saying, "Thanks. Love you. Bye." and hung up.
The funny things is - except for that instantaneous reaction of feeling my face burning red - I didn't have any other emotions... no wailing and gnashing of teeth. See, not holding my breath had prepared me for just such an occurrence. I had written something along the lines of, until those sperm are shot up inside me... I wasn't believing nothing. One might say, well, maybe your "negative" attitude had sabotaged what might have happened, but I would just say back, not even!
G.G. doing what he did to me doesn't just hurt because he was my dream, he was who I had always hoped to have a child with, but it hurts because I know I'm back to where I was with him - lost. The only thing is, this time it's my choice to be lost to him. My life is too fucking short to be on a fucking merry-go-round with guys like him. I got my own shit of baggage to deal with, and adding all the shit he has, to mine, would fucking make me drown in a foot of water!
It's better to cut my losses now and know what I'm up against. I might wake in the middle of the night and cry my eyes out over losing G.G. again - and, yes, especially since I thought I was so close to gaining what I had wanted from him for all these many, many years - but right now, in this moment, I'm just like, "Next!" And that, "Next!" probably seems shallow and maybe even a little flakey, but it's not... I got my eyes wide open and, "Next!" is the only option I have. But the thing is, whatever, "Next!" is, well, that's probably what's exactly right anyway!
So bring on, "Next!"
Sunday, August 24, 2014
It's Raining Men!
“Hallelujah!” - The Bible (mostly in Psalms, between 104-150)
In one of my most recent blog post I said that in one week not, one, but two guys had said that they would have a baby with me. What I might not have mentioned is that they both pretty much said they loved me.
But by the end of this past week a third guy came into the picture, or I should say back into the picture, C.! Of course I couldn't believe it. And how ironic after I had just mentioned his name after so long an absence. I had not heard a word from him in a half a year!
I had thought that when I ended my correspondence with C. it would be my last, but he sent me a real letter saying that he wants to meet. I will not be holding my breath (I guess that's my standard operating procedure now: I don't hold my breath when guys say something to me!). But I could not believe that now a third guy is trying to circle my little hemisphere.
It seems to be raining men... I'll have to be patient and see what, if anything, begins growing
In one of my most recent blog post I said that in one week not, one, but two guys had said that they would have a baby with me. What I might not have mentioned is that they both pretty much said they loved me.
But by the end of this past week a third guy came into the picture, or I should say back into the picture, C.! Of course I couldn't believe it. And how ironic after I had just mentioned his name after so long an absence. I had not heard a word from him in a half a year!
I had thought that when I ended my correspondence with C. it would be my last, but he sent me a real letter saying that he wants to meet. I will not be holding my breath (I guess that's my standard operating procedure now: I don't hold my breath when guys say something to me!). But I could not believe that now a third guy is trying to circle my little hemisphere.
It seems to be raining men... I'll have to be patient and see what, if anything, begins growing
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Hospital Policy
"Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible." ~ M. C. Escher
My second eldest sister, K, who is three years older than me has just been diagnosed with the genetic heart condition that my dad had. My dad always said that, it being genetic, probably 50% of us (my siblings and I) had it.
Yesterday my sister got a defibrillator/pacemaker put in. I went to visit her in the hospital last night and she said, "L, I have to tell you some good news, or at least news I think you'll like." I was wondering what good news could she possibly have to tell me after having her chest opened up and an electrical box put inside her? But before I could say anything she told me, "Before I went in for surgery they made me take a urine test." Hmm... I'm thinking, my sister is telling me about peeing, how interesting.
K. must have seen the confused look on my face because she immediately said, "They made me take the urine test to be sure I wasn't pregnant!" My sister continued, "I told them my husband had a vasectomy." But, she told me, they just answered her back with, "It's hospital policy to have all woman 55 years of age and younger take a pregnancy test before surgery."
Holy cow, I thought, if it's standard hospital policy for them to make woman 55 and younger take pregnancy test before procedures, there's a reason! And that reason is most likely that someone 55 years old was probably in that hospital having a procedure done, and neither she nor the hospital knew she was pregnant!
And, if it's a common hospital policy in one of my town's hospitals, I can't imagine it not being the policy of many hospitals. When something becomes standard hospital policy it's got to mean it happens a lot more than we know!
My second eldest sister, K, who is three years older than me has just been diagnosed with the genetic heart condition that my dad had. My dad always said that, it being genetic, probably 50% of us (my siblings and I) had it.
Yesterday my sister got a defibrillator/pacemaker put in. I went to visit her in the hospital last night and she said, "L, I have to tell you some good news, or at least news I think you'll like." I was wondering what good news could she possibly have to tell me after having her chest opened up and an electrical box put inside her? But before I could say anything she told me, "Before I went in for surgery they made me take a urine test." Hmm... I'm thinking, my sister is telling me about peeing, how interesting.
K. must have seen the confused look on my face because she immediately said, "They made me take the urine test to be sure I wasn't pregnant!" My sister continued, "I told them my husband had a vasectomy." But, she told me, they just answered her back with, "It's hospital policy to have all woman 55 years of age and younger take a pregnancy test before surgery."
Holy cow, I thought, if it's standard hospital policy for them to make woman 55 and younger take pregnancy test before procedures, there's a reason! And that reason is most likely that someone 55 years old was probably in that hospital having a procedure done, and neither she nor the hospital knew she was pregnant!
And, if it's a common hospital policy in one of my town's hospitals, I can't imagine it not being the policy of many hospitals. When something becomes standard hospital policy it's got to mean it happens a lot more than we know!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Dazed and Confused
"When you follow your bliss…doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn’t be a door for anyone else." ~ Joseph Campbell
I started writing this blog in January of 2010. It is now mid-August of 2014. A long time has passed from the beginning to now. And all of that time I have been dreaming of having a family of my own; find a guy, fall in love, get married, he gets me pregnant and we have a baby. But there was always a caveat.
The caveat being, that I might not have my dream follow in the order in which I just detailed it, i.e., the husband could come at any time, but the biological clock told me I needed to "get on it" in having the baby. In other words, the order of my dreams could be all jumbled.
I had always said that I would never go the anonymous sperm donor bank route to get pregnant; it might be right for others, but I knew it wasn't right for me. I felt so strongly about that, that if it came down to me not finding (and knowing) the guy that would donate his sperm, then I was resigned to not having the child I had so long dreamed of.
But I just kept pushing on in believing that the right guy would come to me, would offer to get me pregnant, and that I would.
And then I thought I found that guy miraculously in C. It was almost too good to be true... and, as it ended up, it was. C. came and went and nearly took my dreams with him. It wasn't just a frustrating situation, it was an utterly disheartening one.
After my dream of C. being the father of my child fell through, every time I went in for my acupuncture appointment my Chinese doctor would ask me if I had found another guy - as if I could just go to the grocery store and pick him off the shelf - I tried to patiently tell her, it ain't easy to find a guy who wants to offer to be a father of a kid! I'd tell her - in my mind - not to stress me out, and out loud I would say, "I'll find him, don't worry!" Then she'd proceed to stress me out by saying that I needed to find him, as in, like, yesterday! (though she said it a little different than that and with a thick Chinese accent!)
Anyway, time just kept sailing right on by me... until this week.
And this week guess who said he not only would get me pregnant, he really wants to have a baby with me? G.G. my first love... the one that let me get away! Here's a link to remind you about him.
So, I'm feeling ecstatic. G.G. was who I always wanted to have a baby with in the first place!
However, I'm not holding my breath... I learned my lesson with C. that this "game's" rules don't have any rules and until I have - to put it bluntly! - sperm inside me, I'm just going to be going with the flow and know things will unfold (or not!) as they are supposed to. Because, even though I'm wildly hopeful about G.G.'s offer it's not like it doesn't come with a problem to overcome (hey, just another dragon to slay!)
You see, although G.G. is now calling me to talk every few days, as much as he tries to sound normal, I think he's drunk. So, yeah, he could be an alcoholic! And because of his drinking and the fact that's he's also fifty he's not an ideal candidate. However, I think I can overcome those problems if I get him to go to a clinic and freeze his sperm, have them "wash" them - wherein they take out the "least talented" swimmers and keep the champion ones - to inseminate you with. But, I don't think he's going to like going the "artificial" route. I haven't talked to him about all of the logistics yet. We've just discussed having a baby with each other.
I can't believe I have even gotten to the point of writing that last line, "We've just discussed having a baby with each other."
Well, the title of this blog post is not called, Dazed and Confused, for no reason. And the reason is because last night - in the same week that G.G. offered to make a baby with me - another guy, a guy who had been only an acquaintance, until recently becoming a friend - shocked me last night by telling me he thought he was in love with me!
And, somewhere in our conversation after that, I told this guy, J., about me wanting a baby and that my friend, G.G. having just told me he would be my sperm donor because he wants to have a child with me. So, what do you think happens? J. tells me that he wants to have a baby with me!
What?!!!
It's all so cray, cray... within a week's span of time, after over 4 1/2 years of desperately trying, two guys tell me they want to be the father of my child?!!!
But see, there's also the same catch with J. as there is with G.G.; he's older and he drinks too much alcohol. Like, just another dragon, right?
So, my head will be spinning until I can get one of these guys tied down (possibly literally!), or maybe both, and see if "something" can start happening soon!
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath on any of it, but good lord, what a week!!!
The caveat being, that I might not have my dream follow in the order in which I just detailed it, i.e., the husband could come at any time, but the biological clock told me I needed to "get on it" in having the baby. In other words, the order of my dreams could be all jumbled.
I had always said that I would never go the anonymous sperm donor bank route to get pregnant; it might be right for others, but I knew it wasn't right for me. I felt so strongly about that, that if it came down to me not finding (and knowing) the guy that would donate his sperm, then I was resigned to not having the child I had so long dreamed of.
But I just kept pushing on in believing that the right guy would come to me, would offer to get me pregnant, and that I would.
And then I thought I found that guy miraculously in C. It was almost too good to be true... and, as it ended up, it was. C. came and went and nearly took my dreams with him. It wasn't just a frustrating situation, it was an utterly disheartening one.
After my dream of C. being the father of my child fell through, every time I went in for my acupuncture appointment my Chinese doctor would ask me if I had found another guy - as if I could just go to the grocery store and pick him off the shelf - I tried to patiently tell her, it ain't easy to find a guy who wants to offer to be a father of a kid! I'd tell her - in my mind - not to stress me out, and out loud I would say, "I'll find him, don't worry!" Then she'd proceed to stress me out by saying that I needed to find him, as in, like, yesterday! (though she said it a little different than that and with a thick Chinese accent!)
Anyway, time just kept sailing right on by me... until this week.
And this week guess who said he not only would get me pregnant, he really wants to have a baby with me? G.G. my first love... the one that let me get away! Here's a link to remind you about him.
So, I'm feeling ecstatic. G.G. was who I always wanted to have a baby with in the first place!
However, I'm not holding my breath... I learned my lesson with C. that this "game's" rules don't have any rules and until I have - to put it bluntly! - sperm inside me, I'm just going to be going with the flow and know things will unfold (or not!) as they are supposed to. Because, even though I'm wildly hopeful about G.G.'s offer it's not like it doesn't come with a problem to overcome (hey, just another dragon to slay!)
You see, although G.G. is now calling me to talk every few days, as much as he tries to sound normal, I think he's drunk. So, yeah, he could be an alcoholic! And because of his drinking and the fact that's he's also fifty he's not an ideal candidate. However, I think I can overcome those problems if I get him to go to a clinic and freeze his sperm, have them "wash" them - wherein they take out the "least talented" swimmers and keep the champion ones - to inseminate you with. But, I don't think he's going to like going the "artificial" route. I haven't talked to him about all of the logistics yet. We've just discussed having a baby with each other.
I can't believe I have even gotten to the point of writing that last line, "We've just discussed having a baby with each other."
Well, the title of this blog post is not called, Dazed and Confused, for no reason. And the reason is because last night - in the same week that G.G. offered to make a baby with me - another guy, a guy who had been only an acquaintance, until recently becoming a friend - shocked me last night by telling me he thought he was in love with me!
And, somewhere in our conversation after that, I told this guy, J., about me wanting a baby and that my friend, G.G. having just told me he would be my sperm donor because he wants to have a child with me. So, what do you think happens? J. tells me that he wants to have a baby with me!
What?!!!
It's all so cray, cray... within a week's span of time, after over 4 1/2 years of desperately trying, two guys tell me they want to be the father of my child?!!!
But see, there's also the same catch with J. as there is with G.G.; he's older and he drinks too much alcohol. Like, just another dragon, right?
So, my head will be spinning until I can get one of these guys tied down (possibly literally!), or maybe both, and see if "something" can start happening soon!
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath on any of it, but good lord, what a week!!!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Results
"Always have old memories, and young hopes." ~ Arsene Houssaye
When I went to my doctor's appointment to get the results of my Cine MRI I knew that whatever she told me wouldn't be good.
If the MRI showed a blockage of spinal fluid flow then it would mean a high likelihood that that was what was causing my nausea. If that were the case, having the brain surgery - where they put the shunt in between your lower brain and spinal cord to open that compacted space up - would be the hoped for cure.
If my doctor told me that the MRI was normal then that wouldn't be good either because I would still be sick and not any closer to understanding how to get better.
So, like I said, whatever her answer was I felt like it was a lose-lose.
And the results were that my spinal fluid was flowing normally.
Great! Yay! No brain surgery!
Ugh! Bad! Still nauseous!
I went for forty days with my "death" nausea before I had a day of my "normal" bad nausea (prior to that, the longest stretch of "bad" had been seven days!) and I made it out alive - which, when your physical illness challenges you so mentally, is no easy feat!
All I can do right now is give thanks for all that is good and keep believing, that sometime soon, being ill will be a thing of my past.
If the MRI showed a blockage of spinal fluid flow then it would mean a high likelihood that that was what was causing my nausea. If that were the case, having the brain surgery - where they put the shunt in between your lower brain and spinal cord to open that compacted space up - would be the hoped for cure.
If my doctor told me that the MRI was normal then that wouldn't be good either because I would still be sick and not any closer to understanding how to get better.
So, like I said, whatever her answer was I felt like it was a lose-lose.
And the results were that my spinal fluid was flowing normally.
Great! Yay! No brain surgery!
Ugh! Bad! Still nauseous!
I went for forty days with my "death" nausea before I had a day of my "normal" bad nausea (prior to that, the longest stretch of "bad" had been seven days!) and I made it out alive - which, when your physical illness challenges you so mentally, is no easy feat!
All I can do right now is give thanks for all that is good and keep believing, that sometime soon, being ill will be a thing of my past.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
"Meditations on Christian Doctrine," "Hope in God—Creator", March 7, 1848
This is a prayer that I hold dear. The prayer both reminds me of hope and gives me faith, and it reminds me of faith and gives me hope.
"God knows me and calls me by my name.…
God has created me to do Him some definite service;
He has committed some work to me
which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission—I never may know it in this life,
but I shall be told it in the next.
Somehow I am necessary for His purposes…
I have a part in this great work;
I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection
between persons.
He has not created me for naught. I shall do good,
I shall do His work;
I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth
in my own place, while not intending it,
if I do but keep His commandments
and serve Him in my calling.
Therefore I will trust Him.
Whatever, wherever I am,
I can never be thrown away.
If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;
In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;
If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.
My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be
necessary causes of some great end,
which is quite beyond us.
He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life,
He may shorten it;
He knows what He is about.
He may take away my friends,
He may throw me among strangers,
He may make me feel desolate,
make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—
still He knows what He is about.…
Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—
I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used."
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman
from Meditations and Devotions,
"Meditations on Christian Doctrine,"
"Hope in God—Creator", March 7, 1848
"God knows me and calls me by my name.…
God has created me to do Him some definite service;
He has committed some work to me
which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission—I never may know it in this life,
but I shall be told it in the next.
Somehow I am necessary for His purposes…
I have a part in this great work;
I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection
between persons.
He has not created me for naught. I shall do good,
I shall do His work;
I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth
in my own place, while not intending it,
if I do but keep His commandments
and serve Him in my calling.
Therefore I will trust Him.
Whatever, wherever I am,
I can never be thrown away.
If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;
In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;
If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.
My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be
necessary causes of some great end,
which is quite beyond us.
He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life,
He may shorten it;
He knows what He is about.
He may take away my friends,
He may throw me among strangers,
He may make me feel desolate,
make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—
still He knows what He is about.…
Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—
I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used."
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman
from Meditations and Devotions,
"Meditations on Christian Doctrine,"
"Hope in God—Creator", March 7, 1848
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