Wasted

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." ~ Paulo Coelho

I think I'll preface this post by reiterating the fact that this blog follows my story.

In other words, as with any story you may read, you will like some aspects of a plot or character, dislike other aspects, feel one emotion, and then another, it all depends on where you are "coming from" as to what your "response" to the story will be. And as much as - well, just as much as anyone, I guess - I want to be liked, I'm not writing coming from that place - the likability place - I'm writing about the truth of my life as it happens (or as near as it happens as I can).

I would love to gloss over some one part of my story, or sugar-coat some other part, but - as best I can - I don't. I can't. This is my journey. It's the one I'm on. And sometimes you just may wish that I'd do this or that different because you'd do it different, but I'm not you, I'm me and I've got to live my life how I think, not how anyone else thinks. That may sound like a real selfish thing to say... maybe it is, or maybe it's just the absolute truth.

I suppose what I want to say is: I'm telling you a lot about me. I'm opening myself up. I'm writing as honest an account of my life on this "journey" as I can. And I know when you do that - when your telling someone your inner-truth - that that's usually when people do judge you, that's when they can critique your life as an outsider looking in. So, I'm not exactly sure I want to write all of what I'm about to tell you, but I think I should because, like I said, it's my story, my truth, and it's all a part of this journey I have set out on...

See, I'm just so frustrated right now. My OV Watch indicated that I would be ovulating on Sunday (yesterday). It gave me a nice head start, letting me know that my Fertile Days 1-4 were Wednesday - Saturday, culminating with Ovulation Day 1 on Sunday and Ovulation Day 2 today.

So, my mind was like, your ovulation is happening on a weekend, you can find a guy to have sex with either Friday, Saturday or Sunday?! I had just written a post on how I've NEVER had the opportunity of even having sex when I was actually ovulating! I was definitely on a MISSION to at least try to have sex for one time in my life while I actually knew - like, positively! - that I was fertile!

Well, as it has happened - though I haven't had the time (or maybe even the inclination) to mentioned it - that one guy from this post came back into my life a month ago (I'll put up a screenshot of our "convo" in my next post) and I thought, why not see what he's doing Friday... maybe it'll lead to "something." Then I was like, but if not him, there were these two other Tinder guys that I had been corresponding with a lot and had come to like, as well, and they were definitely on my "radar" - and I seemingly was on theirs - and, I told myself, you can see if the one wants to "hook up" Saturday night (because they had been wanting to) and if the first falls through, then just be like - Next! - and go on to the other one.

With all those thoughts racing through my mind, I set out on my "plan of action" (okay, and this is where you can judge, judge, judge away!). I wasn't sure what, if anything, I was going to tell them! I was thinking, you know, it's up to all individuals involved in a sexual relationship to take responsibility for the consequences of having sex. Guys should know by now that if that don't want a "mistake" they need to take their own precautions for that not to happen. I definitely wasn't going to lie to them, but I wasn't going to be making any announcements regarding my intentions either. 

Hell, they were going to be using me for their own purposes as much as I was using them for mine. Yes, I know, mine would have more "repercussions" but I wasn't going to take anything more from them than what they were giving me. I was just going to see what, if anything, could happen; let the chips fall where they may. See what the "Universe" had in mind! Like, if there was a miracle swirling around me to just grab onto!

Ugh! The "Universe!" Like, it didn't have anything in mind (well, it probably had a lot in mind, just none of it being anything I wanted!)! Everyone of the guys I had wanted fell through for one reason or another (and it was close!)! None of those guys was supposed to be the father of my child!

I mean, I'm still not going to judge what I was planning as being wrong. Throughout history guys have had children that they didn't plan on having. And, like I said, it's their responsibility to make sure they don't have kids if they don't want to be having kids (same goes for the girl)! I just have that Fate kind of attitude... like, if it happens then it supposed to happen. This time it wasn't supposed to happen.

But, yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I feel like it is such a waste! It's such a waste of a human egg... it's like, that egg developed with the intention of having some sperm come at it... and yet, not one sperm even got close to it!

*Deep sigh* I feel like I've been super blessed to still be ovulating every month and so, yeah, it's real frustrating to think that even though I'm potentially capable of having a baby I can't get the chance if I don't have a guy to make it with me...

Well, some guy - and I don't know who he might be - is coming my way... I don't know what has to transpire for him to find me, but it must already be in the works... good lord, I have to believe that it is already in the works... I suppose what I need to do more than anything is just quit trying to set a "plan of action" in motion and let the action just come find me exactly when and how it's supposed to... I just gotta quit worrying and know that everything will work out... every thing.

Even though my ovulation is on Cycle Day 18 both my GP and Chinese acupuncturist think that's okay... they're are both like, as long as your ovulating you're doing okay! 

Fifty Fact

"Obsessed is just a word the lazy use to describe dedicated." ~ Unknown Author

Interesting (and exciting!) statistic: an incredible 600 births were recorded in 2012 to women ages 50 and older, 15 more deliveries than in 2011, according to the National Center for Health Statistics’ most recent data.

And I can almost guarantee that those numbers have only gone up in 2013 and 2014. Also, keep in mind, most woman are not trying to get pregnant at 50 or older!

Just remember: it ain't over 'til it's over, and - for me - it ain't over...

Time...

"You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing." ~ Henry Mencken

Wow! Time really does fly! I just realized that it has been a smidgeon over five years since I started this blog; writing my first post and titling it "In the Beginning."

Hmm... five years...

Well, I could dwell on all the dragons I've had to slay over these five years and how I don't know if I'm any closer to collecting the "boon," but why should I? Really? A journey is a journey, right? You start somewhere and you finish somewhere and there's all the story in between... and, as in any journey, you never truly know how everything will turn out... you just continue the journey until you get to the end. 

I definitely intend to finish the journey... and don't misunderstand me, I intend to attain the "boon" before I get to the end... I'm simply not at the end yet.   

Take Flight

"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway." ~ Mary Kay Ash

There is more to this article than just the headline and I wasn't expecting all the "extra" stuff thrown into it. So when I read the beginning of it I was just thinking I should share the article on my blog and explain why I was sharing it. 

First, and believe me, I am not going to be one to judge anyone on how they want to go about pro-creating, just as I would prefer they not judge me, either. On that note, if you have gone the donor sperm bank route to have your child, or know that is the route you want to take, more power to you. I applaud you for knowing exactly what it is you want and taking the steps that will get you that dream! 

But, for me, the article explained exactly why I don't want to - am not willing to - go the donor sperm bank route. It's like my worst nightmare come to life. I can't think of anything worse (well, I can, but for the sake of this post and what I'm writing about, let's just say, I can't) then getting together with 20 other woman - that all used the same sperm donor - and having parties, outings and vacations with them and a "gazillion" half-sibling children. Okay, I know I'm over dramatizing the "gazillion" part. And it's perfectly fine if you disagree with me on this one... I totally understand. It's my hangup. Hell, it's the reason I try to have my Christmas shopping done by the first of December... I hate crowds! I hate the traffic around the holidays. I hate all of the mass of people swarming around me... it is a nightmare for me! But, again, that's just me... for whatever reason it's just a part of my "make-up."

The good thing is, I know that about myself. I know my "nightmare" scenarios well enough by now that I am pretty good at avoiding them. Now, does me - being me - make me miss out on things that I otherwise might positively be exposed to? I'm sure it does. But it's a price I'm willing to pay. 

I can remember, while growing up, my dad loved to go shopping on Christmas Eve. He absolutely loved being a part of the crowds, it made him feel the excitement and joy of the holiday season around him. He loved the festive feeling of the crowded mall. But like, I ain't him (in a lot of ways but in that way in particular)... I'm a Libra, for crying out loud! lol! I need balance... if you give me crowds then I'm gonna need a lot of solitude (and vice-versa). 

Look, I can't say why I tick the way I do, but I have been very upfront throughout writing this blog that I wasn't going to go the anonymous (or even known) donor sperm bank route. I was either going to find a guy to have a child with or wasn't going to be having a child. And yes, of course I want a child desperately, but I guess I just know me well enough to know that I don't want a child from a desperate place (again, this is my thinking! I'm not at all saying it would be yours... I don't think I can stress that enough!). 

And maybe I'm being a little (a lot?) hypocritical here (which I abhor!) because I have written a lot about kind of desperate ways I've tried to go about finding the right donor for me. So, I will let you judge me on that... like if that's been hypocritical, or not!  

So, yeah, maybe I will pay the ultimate price by deciding what my feelings are on using a donor sperm bank, but I know me, and I know that I have to stick by those views for myself, whatever the outcome may be. 

Okay, so now we've gotten that part of the article out of the way, but then the article keeps going - as if on an unstoppable tangent of its own - and I have to make some comments on the rest of the piece. 

I'll say, that there is a lot to like and not like in this article. The following paragraph was a definite not-like for me... "But among fertility doctors, 'the worst is the woman who at 43 wants to talk about egg freezing,' says Ross, who agrees with Ringler that ceaseless coverage of aging celebrity moms is to blame. 'We in the medical world know that 99 percent of those women used donor eggs. That's what's not discussed in the story.'" 

Really? You're gonna throw that out there? Good grief! Do "they" - these fertility doctors - recognize that we are unique individuals? That not all of us are going to have the same fertility make-up as every other woman out there? Like, take myself, for example, I didn't even start my period until I was 16! Is that the norm for girls starting their menstrual cycle? No, it isn't. That alone makes me different from millions of other woman. And, truthfully, may even account for the fact that my fertility has been as strong as it has at a later age - I simply started the whole thing later to begin with! 

And they are quoted as saying, "the worst." Well, thank God I found one doctor in this whole country - at the time - that did not agree that, "the worst is the woman who at 43 wants to talk about egg freezing..." because if he had then I would never have been able - less than two weeks shy of my 46th birthday, no less! - been able to have him retrieve my six mature eggs, two immature eggs and one germinal vesicle cell. THEY ARE MY OWN FROZEN EGGS! Now, what may or may not happen with those eggs as they relate to me actually becoming pregnant and having a child, I leave in God's capable hands, but at least I don't have to look back with any regrets that I didn't get the chance to try! 

Can you tell this article got me riled up a bit? Lol, it did! I had to try to skip over all the negative parts (and there were loads of those parts!)! Because, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm trying to make the life I want to live. I'm trying to let the miracles I know surround me; become a part of my make-up. I'm trying to use my creativity to the fullest power and strength that I can imagine. 

And, I'm trying - in my own way - to encourage any one of you out there that reads what I have to say: to believe in you, believe in your ability to create, hold tight to being faith-filled that you are on the right journey; that God put some particular desire in your heart, that He might be making you jump through hoops and even slay dragons, but you CAN DO IT! Jump high! Slay those dragons even if they're coming at you like a beginner using an Xbox! Ignore the naysayers. Stay focused on the power of dreaming your own miracles into your life. 

Live your life the way you know best to live it! And, most of all, BELIEVE! Believe that you can do it. Believe that no matter how things turn out, you are meant to walk the path you are walking on right now, and walk it all the way to finish line... don't worry about how you placed when you cross the line, only that you crossed the line and finished what you set out to do. Whatever happens, you won! 

You will have won because you met the challenge head on; you overcame every single thing thrown at you, every obstacle placed in your path, and sometimes, you even overcame yourself... you quashed those voices in your head that tried to tell you to just give up; to quit already... and you didn't listen to them... and you realized you became stronger than you ever thought... wiser than you ever knew... all because you decided to take the journey in the first place, but more importantly, you stayed on it all the way until you got to the end... 

Te Papa Tongarewa

"Our pathways are all prearrange ,, even before contraception takes place ,, we are all here to learn lessons , earth is our school , its how we as indvidauls how we choose to react & deal wid & learn & grow ,,, its easy to figure out really ,, this is ur path ur jorney ,, & u get to choose ,,all i need to say on this ,, finding the coin was to give u those few lines ,,just writtern ,, put that in ur book or notes ,m, & for those who cant get the message , thay are not ready atm... DONT over think ,, JUST BE & LIVE IN THE MOVMENT ..BECOMES WISDOM 

MICALES ARE A STATE OF MIND ,, THEY ARE ALWAYS AROUND US ,, ALL I NEED TO SAY ,,


AMEN !!!!" ~ Hemi – James – Tohunga (a shaman - from New Zealand - who I didn't know (exactly) I was looking for -  but, by Fate, found me anyway)

'Te Papa Tongarewa' in the Maori language means "container of treasures." That's the name of the major art museum in Wellington, New Zealand. And I've found, recently, amongst all of my, "New Zealand notes, stories, photos, etc." an image I re-created from a piece of Maori art work that was on display at the museum.

The artwork was just a large image of something closely akin to what I might think of as a "doodle." It was contained in two panels. I liked the simplistic, but somehow both strong and delicate, image. I looked off to the side of the piece where - on a small card - it explained who the artist was and the artist's meaning of the portrayal. I don't recall the name of the artist, but the small sign containing the information told me that it was the Maori symbolism for fertility. 

I was not looking for any Maori symbolism while on my trip there, much less to come across two (of about four pieces of Maori art symbols in the entire five story museum), and I thought, at the time, how interesting that I should be confronted, face-to-face, with as big a Maori image as I could imagine, and that it be that of fertility. 

And so I, using the museums tour guide booklet, stopped long enough in front of it to draw out - exactly what the Maori symbol for fertility was... and I only just recently re-drew it onto a blank piece of white paper and taped it to the side of my bedside table - the side that only I can see - and I see it now every night as I turn out my light to go to bed, and every morning as I my eyes open to another day, and my mind just automatically thinks - but also knows - it means fertileness; it means fertility...  

I'm not at all sure what the bold lines within the symbols mean... it's really unlike anything I would expect of what a fertility symbol might be... but yeah, in Maori culture - according to the art which I re-created in exactness - those two panels, with their symbols, represent fertiliy... and being fertile... 

Great Expectations

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
~ Mother Teresa

Great expectations? No! My New Year's resolution for 2015 is to have no expectations! I just want to live in the moment... go from one moment to the next... and then... see where I end up... : )