Nothing

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

~ Dr. Seuss

I have heard nothing from C. in nearly a month. I am discouraged. I don't know what to think. It is hard - the not knowing; not knowing if he is okay or not, whether he is able to write and doesn't, or whether he wants to write and can't. 

I haven't given up on C. yet. I know that there are many serious events playing out in the world right now that would require the skills of a military Intelligence officer who speaks Russian! And I don't see that those events will just go away any time soon. 

Over the next month I am not going to concentrate on the things I can't control and will try to concentrate on the things I can: me! I will spend time working to ensure that I am the best me - physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

I will continue to believe in my dreams. I will continue to be attached to my dreams coming true. I will, however, try not to be attached to however the Universe intends in making those dreams come true.

My motto is: this or something better!

Twelve Days

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible." ~ Unknown

It has been twelve days since C. last wrote to me. It feels much longer than that.

When C. had first left to go on his military deployment I had only "known" him one week. We had what seemed to be an unusual connection and fast-developing "relationship" which only increased and strengthened in the ensuing months of communicating via email. It still amazes me that we have not yet even spoken in person! But it doesn't matter; our heart's have "talked" with each other.

When C. originally left it took fourteen days before I received my first email from him. I remember wanting to hear from him, but not desperately wanting to hear from him as I do now.

I am sure that if C. and I had a fully developed relationship when he left on his deployment it would be hard enough not to have contact with him, but I don't think my mind would always be going to a "bad" place while I waited. I am constantly having to remind myself to be faith-filled, enough that it feels like I am slaying another dragon. But, thankfully, my journey had made me better at slaying them!

With the faith of a mustard seed I will wait for the day when the waiting is over. And I keep re-reading what C. wrote on June 6th regarding his time in Russia, "... If you don't get any messages from me please do not worry ... it is just the absence of a system.  Just remember the prize at the end.  :-)  

Not a Peep

"Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that." ~ Unknown Author

I haven't heard a peep from C. since last Sunday, June 24th (sent from him June 25th). It's so frustrating. It's like our relationship takes two steps forward, then one step back. I mean I guess the positive spin of that is that we seem to be progressing forward, but it is so excruciatingly slow.

And then of course because of what happened with G.G, the fact that he gave me his assurance of complete love and then chose to exit my life in such a callously cruel way - by just vanishing and without any sign that his love for me was anything other than exactly as he assured me - just leaves me with an unsettled feeling regarding C., as if he too could so easily abandon me.

Great! Thanks to G.G. I now know I have abandonment issues to overcome!

I try to tell myself that G.G. and C. are nothing alike and that in addition to that, my past is not my present, nor is it my future - I am presently making my future and feeling fearful is not a part of my plans. 

Fearfulness is lack of faith and my journey is about faith so I have to focus on the positive aspects of things instead of dwelling on what is difficult.

I think I will take another few days off from the internet. It helped me a lot the last time I did it - gave my mind an alternative to constantly being on the lookout for a message from C. Hopefully, on July 4th, C. will at last get a chance to celebrate our countries Independence Day by being at a place, and in a position, to actually email me. I'm crossing my fingers. I'm so hopeful, yet anxious to hear from him.

Interesting

"He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed." ~ William James

I came across this article the other day and I now have reason to find it very interesting (of course without the being married and the cheating part!)