Passed!!!!!

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. " - Unknown

I finally took my real estate state licensing exam today and passed! Whew, what a relief. No more freak'n studying! Now I can get laser-focused on my March target insemination! Nope, don't have a donor yet, but will be doing some serious asking this week. I'm nervous as hell about that, but what am I gonna do? When you want something bad enough you do whatever it takes, right? Right?

Matchmaker

"Love is a friendship set to music."

~ E. Joseph Cossman

I'm a matchmaker at heart. It's probably because in my heart of hearts I wish that someone would play matchmaker in my life. But matchmaker is an art and most people don't have the intuitive nature to make matches that are successful. I think I do. In one way or another I've influenced the lives - meetings and then marriage - of at least seven couples. Some of it wasn't pure matchmaking, but if I hadn't been an instigator of the fate, the matches would never have happened. Last night I specifically set up a match.

Two weeks before I had been at my pre-op appointment for my knee operation and it was about 4:00 p.m. on a Friday afternoon when I met with the anesthesiologist and had mentioned to him the name of a guy I went to grade school and high school with who was an anesthesiologist at that hospital. This doctor said that my school mate, A.P., had gotten an offer he couldn't refuse and was now working out of a local surgical center. We talked about him for a minute or two longer and then I went on to conclude the rest of my appointment.

By 4:30 I finished my pre-op appointment and started my drive home. I was about to go one way and at the last minute decided to go another. Soon I came upon a small, trendy bar that I like, but hadn't been to in awhile, and I thought to myself, it's Friday, it's Happy Hour time and why not stop inside and have a cold beer. So that's what I did.

I walked into this little bar and the first person I see upon entering is, A.P., the classmate I had just been talking about a half hour earlier. And by now you know my feeling about coincidences... there are none... only synchronicity! He's sitting by himself so I pull up a bar stool and order my beer. He said he stopped in to have a beer on his way home from work. We talk about this and that and he gets a text that one of the woman he used to work with at the previous hospital, a friend of his, is going to drop by to meet him there. Soon enough she comes in and sits down with us and I'm happy that I'm out, getting to meet new people. Shortly thereafter, another woman, also a co-worker of theirs, joins us at the bar. This woman is probably closer to my age and she's the opposite of me, petite, blond, blue-eyed and outgoing. She seems really sweet though and all of the sudden I have a thought about my dentist, Dr. T.

Dr. T. worked in practice with my father (who was dentist) and I have known him for nearly twenty years. He had been married to his high school sweetheart. It was a marriage I thought would last a lifetime. It didn't. I had been living away from this area for so long I wasn't around when his marriage was falling apart. I was only aware that it was. He's now been divorced for probably six years.

I had only known Dr. T. as the co-worker of my father until my dad retired and he then became my dentist. It was a strange transition for me; having had one dentist for forty years - my father - who was so experienced and fast he had your procedure finished before you even had a chance to worry about what he was going to be doing - to Dr. T. who, with half my father's age and half his experience, was slow and methodical, yet whose touch was soft and gentle, a trait I can't say characterized my father's hands or speed.

Anyway, out of the blue, having nothing to do with the conversation going on between the other companions there, I say to this woman, Maria, "Do you like football?" She's like, where did that come from? And I explain to her that I know a single guy who I thought I would like to set her up with and he likes football. She tells me, "yes" she does enjoy football. So, I let her know that the guy I would like to set her up with is my dentist and I have a dental cleaning coming up in two weeks time and would she be interested in being set up with him on a blind date? At this point I have no idea if Dr. T would be interested in being set up on a blind date! I do know that when I had asked my hygienist six months earlier if Dr. T was dating, she said that she had tried to set him up with a friend of hers and it didn't work out - Dr. T. liked her friend, but her friend didn't like him! As my hygienist put it, her friend said talking with him "took too much work."

Maria asked me, if he was so good why didn't I get together with him? Definitely a valid question posed in such a situation. I told her he was more like a brother to me. I mean I know my father, even with three sons of his own, viewed Dr. T. like his fourth one. She gave me her business card. And two weeks passed. I had my dental appointment and when Dr. T. came in I asked him straightaway if he would be interested in a blind date? He hesitated. I can only imagine how complicated it is when you want to not be alone, but you also have your job, your kids, their extracurricular activities and your professional organizations already on the books. But then he said, "Sure. Let me see what my schedules like."

When I called Maria (whom I only met that one time!) I had to remind her who I was and ask her if she was still interested in going on the blind date. She was surprised that I had followed through on it all, but she said she could meet this weekend and then it might be three more weekends before she could meet again. I told her I would see if Dr. T. could meet this weekend. I found out he could and it was perfect because he would be passing by the little bar we were to meet at on his way to another engagement (a professional group dinner) later in the evening. Woot! Woot! Things were falling nicely into place.

As the meeting drew closer I felt like I was the one going on the blind date - nervous and excited about what might take place.

I got there and my classmate, the anesthesiologist, A.P., was there (I had asked Maria to ask him if he could make it so Dr. T. had some male professional to be able to talk to as a way of giving balance to the conversation - take the pressure off her - and me!) Soon thereafter, Maria came. And finally, Dr. T.

Dr. T. is a "country" kind of guy, but I can see over the years he's cleaned up well. He looked really good; polished in a relaxed sort of way: black crew neck sweater and khakis. He's has dark hair and dark eyes with fair skin and I thought he "meshed" well with Maria's blond hair and sparkling blue eyes.

I introduce everyone (there were two other guys that Maria had asked to come) and we started just having the normal conversation of new people getting to know each other. And then at some point I noticed Maria turned her back to Dr. T. and I and started talking with her male co-worker. I see this (while I'm conversing with Dr. T.) and think, "uh oh, this isn't good. If she really was interested in Dr. T. she wouldn't be spending her time talking to this other guy."

But I can't control anything out of my control, so I just decide to make the best of things and make Dr. T. feel comfortable with our conversation. Finally, after what seemed like a long time, Maria turns back to us and joins our conversation. I take this as an opportunity to get the hell out of the way and see if anything can develop between these two; I go to the bar and get a beer! When I come back I feel like Dr. T. and Maria are beginning to connect and I kinda breathe a little hopeful sigh of relief. She now seems interested in him, he seems interested in her.

Then the clock strikes midnight (okay, just 7:00 p.m.) and Dr. T. lets us know that he has to go on to his dinner. He ask Maria how she spells her last name but doesn't get her phone number. That's fine, I think, right? And then he goes.

Now, the time of truth is at hand. I ask Maria what she thought of Dr. T.? She tells me that people have set her up on numerous blind dates and she's never been interested. This time, she tells me, is the first time she has! I then tell her I was beginning to think that she wasn't at all interested in Dr. T. when she turned away from us and spent so much time talking to her co-worker and she tells me that she just saw that he wasn't involved in anyone's conversation and she felt like she needed to make him feel comfortable and included. Although, as she explained it, I could see it as admirable, I still think it wasn't a smart move on her part. I would have just let the co-worker fend for himself and make sure the guy who was there to meet me was the one who was getting my attention. But, hey, we're all different and in the end it seemed like it was working out.

I got home - kind of intoxicated - and had to tell my mom the whole story and then ask what I should do next? Call Dr. T. find out how it went? What he thought? My mom just said, let it be for the time being.

The time being didn't last too long. Dr. T. texted me that he wanted to talk to me about last night. I texted back, call me. So, just a little while ago I talked to him and he said that he was interested in Maria and I said, good, 'cause she is interested in you, she said that she would like to get to know you better over dinner or something. I offered to give him Maria's phone number but he asked me to find out from her if it was all right for me to give him her phone number. I'll do that tomorrow and then we'll just see what happens.

I'm in love with love and I want everyone to find lasting love. I don't know if these two will last for more than one dinner out, but I like the fact that I believe in the possibility that they will.

P.S. Last night was the first time, even though Dr. T. is only two years older than me and it seems like I've known him forever, that I called him by his first name. That in itself, was to me, a strangely new occurrence!

Happy Love Day

"Don't forget to love yourself."

~ Soren Kierkegaard

Valentine's Day... what can I say? One of these years will have LOVE written all over it for me!!! Woot! Woot! St. Jude I know you got my back... waiting... knowing...

Stumbling

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." - Charles F. Kettering

I got an email back from H.B. This is what he wrote:

Good mornn! sorry I haven't gotten back to ya. I've been sick as a dog for a friggin month! So tired of not feelin well. Its this friggin ear thing. I'm dizzy everyday. Its getting handled. I don't think I can be a father of a child. It's just too much of a responsibility for me. Way too much to think about right now. I love the idea, but I would always wonder about him/her. It might make me crazier than I already am. He'd be a cute thang though!!! Well don't sweat it. Whats going on with your lot? You need to get it ready for some income. Are you in town??? or are you coming back??? - D

So there it is. That is that.

I haven't gone to any woe place yet over it. I guess its because I'm kind of getting used to constantly finding one more dragon standing between me and what I want. Of course I was really disappointed, but I thought it would be a pretty long shot in the first place. Even feeling the pangs of the rejection it was still worth the asking.

I wrote the following back to him:

Thanks for getting back to me. Sorry about you feeling so sick for so long that sucks. I had another knee surgery last Wednesday and that sucked too!

Well, thanks for at least considering the Big Project. I really was hoping for a "yes" but I understand how complicated it must seem. If you should have a change of heart... I've got some of my eggs frozen so eventually (within the next year or so) I will need to try to see if I can have them fertilized... Yeah, it's complicated for me too. Ugh. I just want to have kids of my own. I wish it wasn't so hard to figure it all out. I guess I want something to fall in my lap and say, "here you go, you're wishes will come true"

I don't have any plans to get back to _______ for awhile, but ya never know...

How's J. doing now? How's your mom? I hope both are well!

I may call you, like next Monday or so, after I talk T.H. I def need to get that property rented.

Did I mention I'm about to take the real estate exam to get my license. Crossing fingers I pass on first try!

Anyway, again, thanks for really giving the Big Project your serious consideration. I appreciate even that much. Hopefully, I'll talk to you soon.

Love ya,

L.

-------------------

So, yep, back to knocking on doors! Gotta figure out which one to knock on next...

Just a Minute Ago

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it."

~ Alexander Graham Bell

Just a minute ago I sent the following email to H.B.:

Hey. I hope everything is okay with you. I've been kind of concerned since I haven't heard back from you re: the Big Project. I wanted to give you plenty of time as I know there is a lot that you would need/want to consider before making such a decision. I still feel the same way as I did: I really want you to say, "yes!" But of course I'll understand if that isn't the way it goes.

I know you've got a lot on your plate, but I guess I really do just need to hear from you. Like I said, my time is running out and each month that goes by is precious at this stage of the game. I've got to do something now or this dream will have just passed me by.

Hopefully, you are doing well, let me know. Also, I've been thinking of your mom and hoping that she is doing great too.

L.

Round Two

"We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive; but the very fact we say we are willing to forgive begins the healing practice."

~ Louise Hay

I'm about to have my second counseling appointment with the sister I've been estranged from for nearly three years. I had the first appointment right before Christmas and it didn't go well. But we left it at the possibility of trying to have another meeting with my counselor to see if we could advance positively forward. That possibility will be taking place today; an hour from now. As I said before, I'm trying to do this for my mom because I know that it places a hardship on her to be in the middle of our falling out.

My counselor asked me what I wanted to accomplish at this second meeting. She told me to write it down, but I didn't because I don't think I really want to accomplish much. It's not like I really think our relationship can go back to what it had been - which was very close - but I do want her to be able to come over to my mom's home - my home - whenever she or my mom chooses, without worrying whether I'm going to run into her or not. It's so complicated that I think just being at the same location as her, at the same time, is as good a start on mending our relationship as I can imagine at this point.

Mulling

"We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal and then leap in the dark to our success." ~ Henry David Thoreau

I was mulling over the fact that in my post last Thursday I wrote, "I'm asking God for a sign. I'm desperate for a sign! I need to have some clear sign as to what to do next," and I did get two things I can't quite blow off as incidental because they definitely spoke to me as being extremely "coincidental" (which, if you've been falling this blog, you know that I believe there are no coincidence in life!) but, I thought, were they really "sign" worthy - they seemed pretty small and they certainly didn't "tell" me or "direct" me what to do next.

And then I re-read my last post, Gung-ho, which made me start the mulling. I thought about what I wrote in the last sentence of that post, "I mean how many doctors out there would be gung-ho and believe that they could help a 48 year old woman get pregnant?" and it struck me, and I thought, isn't that a sign? I mean, can't you take that as your clear sign, L.? You asked for a sign and yet you just seem to over-look the very thing even you called a blessing. How much more clear of a sign do you need, as to what to do next, than have a doctor who shares the same faith and belief in miracles and specifically, in you attaining your dreams! What to do next? That's already on its way.

Gung-ho

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.”

Charles F. Kettering

I went to my doctor yesterday for my weekly appointment (yeah, I have weekly appointments set up until we figure out what is causing me to continually feel nausea everyday. It still hasn't been determined exactly and I still don't have a solution!) Anyway, she had gotten the lab results back from blood work I had drawn and it showed that my thyroid was completely out of whack. She said it was as if I hadn't been taking my thyroid medicine at all! I last had my thyroid blood work results checked last July and everything had been normal, as it has been for the past four years since I've been seeing her. She's going to have me go back to get retested. But I guess my point is that even if H.B. had said he would donate sperm and I had tried to get pregnant this past month it most likely wouldn't have worked anyway because of my thyroid results being so poor. It would have just been a waste to even have attempted it. So, now I can look to get my thyroid back in balance and keep proceeding forward.

Also, when I go see Dr. M. we always talk about getting me pregnant. She is really excited about getting the opportunity of doing the IUI on me and her enthusiasm and belief that it can be done always makes me so much more positive that it will be! All that is holding me back is finding the right donor. As soon as I've got that figured out she's ready to get me pregnant! I'm so blessed that I have her as my doctor. I mean how many doctors out there would be gung-ho and believe that they could help a 48 year old woman get pregnant?

Wow, This is Hard...

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.”

Kahlil Gibran

My surgery went fine yesterday - great really. As compared to my last two knee operations which on a pain scale of one to ten were both tens, this surgery has been like a one. I feel really blessed about that.

The hardest part about it is that since I'm laid up for a 48 hour period with keeping the knee iced and elevated, etc., I have way to much time to dwell on not having heard back from H.B. regarding what his answer is on being a sperm donor for me. I know a few post back I said I would have patience and wait two weeks, but it is now day ten since I wrote that and everything in me is screaming inside to get in touch with him and find out what is going on. I wrote that I was going to be calm and not panic, but wow, is it getting harder to not let myself feel so much angst about it all.

Most of the angst that I'm feeling is that I don't have a plan "B." I can't figure out who I would/could possibly ask if H.B. says, "no." I'm asking God for a sign. I'm desperate for a sign! I need to have some clear sign as to what to do next.

And when I get this way, so discombobulated, I get into that woe-is-me pattern of, why do I have to be the one who seems to be constantly in the struggle to attain my heart's desire. Why does it come so easy for other people? For instance, my niece, the one I wrote about getting engaged, got married and nine months later (two days ago) had a baby! She's 28 years old, twenty years younger than me! What is it about her life that's so different from mine where Life just seems to bless her so easily with joy and miracles?

And I guess it just comes back to why I started writing this blog in the first place - which is that it is my journey in faith. Faith - a firm belief in something for which there is no proof! I guess the lesson of my life is to find out if having the faith of a mustard seed can indeed move a mountain! A mustard seed for crying out loud! Do you know how little a mustard seed is? It's teeny tiny. And if I believe in God, the Creator of heaven and earth, which I do, then I am told all I have to do is have that teeny, tiny amount of faith and miracles will abound. So, I remind myself of that every day, many times throughout the day, that all I have to have is even the smallest amount of faith and nothing is impossible. Everybody has their life's lesson, I feel sure that mine is all about faith. But as Mother Teresa of Calcutta said “I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”