“Hallelujah!” - The Bible (mostly in Psalms, between 104-150)
In one of my most recent blog post I said that in one week not, one, but two guys had said that they would have a baby with me. What I might not have mentioned is that they both pretty much said they loved me.
But by the end of this past week a third guy came into the picture, or I should say back into the picture, C.! Of course I couldn't believe it. And how ironic after I had just mentioned his name after so long an absence. I had not heard a word from him in a half a year!
I had thought that when I ended my correspondence with C. it would be my last, but he sent me a real letter saying that he wants to meet. I will not be holding my breath (I guess that's my standard operating procedure now: I don't hold my breath when guys say something to me!). But I could not believe that now a third guy is trying to circle my little hemisphere.
It seems to be raining men... I'll have to be patient and see what, if anything, begins growing
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Hospital Policy
"Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible." ~ M. C. Escher
My second eldest sister, K, who is three years older than me has just been diagnosed with the genetic heart condition that my dad had. My dad always said that, it being genetic, probably 50% of us (my siblings and I) had it.
Yesterday my sister got a defibrillator/pacemaker put in. I went to visit her in the hospital last night and she said, "L, I have to tell you some good news, or at least news I think you'll like." I was wondering what good news could she possibly have to tell me after having her chest opened up and an electrical box put inside her? But before I could say anything she told me, "Before I went in for surgery they made me take a urine test." Hmm... I'm thinking, my sister is telling me about peeing, how interesting.
K. must have seen the confused look on my face because she immediately said, "They made me take the urine test to be sure I wasn't pregnant!" My sister continued, "I told them my husband had a vasectomy." But, she told me, they just answered her back with, "It's hospital policy to have all woman 55 years of age and younger take a pregnancy test before surgery."
Holy cow, I thought, if it's standard hospital policy for them to make woman 55 and younger take pregnancy test before procedures, there's a reason! And that reason is most likely that someone 55 years old was probably in that hospital having a procedure done, and neither she nor the hospital knew she was pregnant!
And, if it's a common hospital policy in one of my town's hospitals, I can't imagine it not being the policy of many hospitals. When something becomes standard hospital policy it's got to mean it happens a lot more than we know!
My second eldest sister, K, who is three years older than me has just been diagnosed with the genetic heart condition that my dad had. My dad always said that, it being genetic, probably 50% of us (my siblings and I) had it.
Yesterday my sister got a defibrillator/pacemaker put in. I went to visit her in the hospital last night and she said, "L, I have to tell you some good news, or at least news I think you'll like." I was wondering what good news could she possibly have to tell me after having her chest opened up and an electrical box put inside her? But before I could say anything she told me, "Before I went in for surgery they made me take a urine test." Hmm... I'm thinking, my sister is telling me about peeing, how interesting.
K. must have seen the confused look on my face because she immediately said, "They made me take the urine test to be sure I wasn't pregnant!" My sister continued, "I told them my husband had a vasectomy." But, she told me, they just answered her back with, "It's hospital policy to have all woman 55 years of age and younger take a pregnancy test before surgery."
Holy cow, I thought, if it's standard hospital policy for them to make woman 55 and younger take pregnancy test before procedures, there's a reason! And that reason is most likely that someone 55 years old was probably in that hospital having a procedure done, and neither she nor the hospital knew she was pregnant!
And, if it's a common hospital policy in one of my town's hospitals, I can't imagine it not being the policy of many hospitals. When something becomes standard hospital policy it's got to mean it happens a lot more than we know!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Dazed and Confused
"When you follow your bliss…doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn’t be a door for anyone else." ~ Joseph Campbell
I started writing this blog in January of 2010. It is now mid-August of 2014. A long time has passed from the beginning to now. And all of that time I have been dreaming of having a family of my own; find a guy, fall in love, get married, he gets me pregnant and we have a baby. But there was always a caveat.
The caveat being, that I might not have my dream follow in the order in which I just detailed it, i.e., the husband could come at any time, but the biological clock told me I needed to "get on it" in having the baby. In other words, the order of my dreams could be all jumbled.
I had always said that I would never go the anonymous sperm donor bank route to get pregnant; it might be right for others, but I knew it wasn't right for me. I felt so strongly about that, that if it came down to me not finding (and knowing) the guy that would donate his sperm, then I was resigned to not having the child I had so long dreamed of.
But I just kept pushing on in believing that the right guy would come to me, would offer to get me pregnant, and that I would.
And then I thought I found that guy miraculously in C. It was almost too good to be true... and, as it ended up, it was. C. came and went and nearly took my dreams with him. It wasn't just a frustrating situation, it was an utterly disheartening one.
After my dream of C. being the father of my child fell through, every time I went in for my acupuncture appointment my Chinese doctor would ask me if I had found another guy - as if I could just go to the grocery store and pick him off the shelf - I tried to patiently tell her, it ain't easy to find a guy who wants to offer to be a father of a kid! I'd tell her - in my mind - not to stress me out, and out loud I would say, "I'll find him, don't worry!" Then she'd proceed to stress me out by saying that I needed to find him, as in, like, yesterday! (though she said it a little different than that and with a thick Chinese accent!)
Anyway, time just kept sailing right on by me... until this week.
And this week guess who said he not only would get me pregnant, he really wants to have a baby with me? G.G. my first love... the one that let me get away! Here's a link to remind you about him.
So, I'm feeling ecstatic. G.G. was who I always wanted to have a baby with in the first place!
However, I'm not holding my breath... I learned my lesson with C. that this "game's" rules don't have any rules and until I have - to put it bluntly! - sperm inside me, I'm just going to be going with the flow and know things will unfold (or not!) as they are supposed to. Because, even though I'm wildly hopeful about G.G.'s offer it's not like it doesn't come with a problem to overcome (hey, just another dragon to slay!)
You see, although G.G. is now calling me to talk every few days, as much as he tries to sound normal, I think he's drunk. So, yeah, he could be an alcoholic! And because of his drinking and the fact that's he's also fifty he's not an ideal candidate. However, I think I can overcome those problems if I get him to go to a clinic and freeze his sperm, have them "wash" them - wherein they take out the "least talented" swimmers and keep the champion ones - to inseminate you with. But, I don't think he's going to like going the "artificial" route. I haven't talked to him about all of the logistics yet. We've just discussed having a baby with each other.
I can't believe I have even gotten to the point of writing that last line, "We've just discussed having a baby with each other."
Well, the title of this blog post is not called, Dazed and Confused, for no reason. And the reason is because last night - in the same week that G.G. offered to make a baby with me - another guy, a guy who had been only an acquaintance, until recently becoming a friend - shocked me last night by telling me he thought he was in love with me!
And, somewhere in our conversation after that, I told this guy, J., about me wanting a baby and that my friend, G.G. having just told me he would be my sperm donor because he wants to have a child with me. So, what do you think happens? J. tells me that he wants to have a baby with me!
What?!!!
It's all so cray, cray... within a week's span of time, after over 4 1/2 years of desperately trying, two guys tell me they want to be the father of my child?!!!
But see, there's also the same catch with J. as there is with G.G.; he's older and he drinks too much alcohol. Like, just another dragon, right?
So, my head will be spinning until I can get one of these guys tied down (possibly literally!), or maybe both, and see if "something" can start happening soon!
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath on any of it, but good lord, what a week!!!
The caveat being, that I might not have my dream follow in the order in which I just detailed it, i.e., the husband could come at any time, but the biological clock told me I needed to "get on it" in having the baby. In other words, the order of my dreams could be all jumbled.
I had always said that I would never go the anonymous sperm donor bank route to get pregnant; it might be right for others, but I knew it wasn't right for me. I felt so strongly about that, that if it came down to me not finding (and knowing) the guy that would donate his sperm, then I was resigned to not having the child I had so long dreamed of.
But I just kept pushing on in believing that the right guy would come to me, would offer to get me pregnant, and that I would.
And then I thought I found that guy miraculously in C. It was almost too good to be true... and, as it ended up, it was. C. came and went and nearly took my dreams with him. It wasn't just a frustrating situation, it was an utterly disheartening one.
After my dream of C. being the father of my child fell through, every time I went in for my acupuncture appointment my Chinese doctor would ask me if I had found another guy - as if I could just go to the grocery store and pick him off the shelf - I tried to patiently tell her, it ain't easy to find a guy who wants to offer to be a father of a kid! I'd tell her - in my mind - not to stress me out, and out loud I would say, "I'll find him, don't worry!" Then she'd proceed to stress me out by saying that I needed to find him, as in, like, yesterday! (though she said it a little different than that and with a thick Chinese accent!)
Anyway, time just kept sailing right on by me... until this week.
And this week guess who said he not only would get me pregnant, he really wants to have a baby with me? G.G. my first love... the one that let me get away! Here's a link to remind you about him.
So, I'm feeling ecstatic. G.G. was who I always wanted to have a baby with in the first place!
However, I'm not holding my breath... I learned my lesson with C. that this "game's" rules don't have any rules and until I have - to put it bluntly! - sperm inside me, I'm just going to be going with the flow and know things will unfold (or not!) as they are supposed to. Because, even though I'm wildly hopeful about G.G.'s offer it's not like it doesn't come with a problem to overcome (hey, just another dragon to slay!)
You see, although G.G. is now calling me to talk every few days, as much as he tries to sound normal, I think he's drunk. So, yeah, he could be an alcoholic! And because of his drinking and the fact that's he's also fifty he's not an ideal candidate. However, I think I can overcome those problems if I get him to go to a clinic and freeze his sperm, have them "wash" them - wherein they take out the "least talented" swimmers and keep the champion ones - to inseminate you with. But, I don't think he's going to like going the "artificial" route. I haven't talked to him about all of the logistics yet. We've just discussed having a baby with each other.
I can't believe I have even gotten to the point of writing that last line, "We've just discussed having a baby with each other."
Well, the title of this blog post is not called, Dazed and Confused, for no reason. And the reason is because last night - in the same week that G.G. offered to make a baby with me - another guy, a guy who had been only an acquaintance, until recently becoming a friend - shocked me last night by telling me he thought he was in love with me!
And, somewhere in our conversation after that, I told this guy, J., about me wanting a baby and that my friend, G.G. having just told me he would be my sperm donor because he wants to have a child with me. So, what do you think happens? J. tells me that he wants to have a baby with me!
What?!!!
It's all so cray, cray... within a week's span of time, after over 4 1/2 years of desperately trying, two guys tell me they want to be the father of my child?!!!
But see, there's also the same catch with J. as there is with G.G.; he's older and he drinks too much alcohol. Like, just another dragon, right?
So, my head will be spinning until I can get one of these guys tied down (possibly literally!), or maybe both, and see if "something" can start happening soon!
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath on any of it, but good lord, what a week!!!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Results
"Always have old memories, and young hopes." ~ Arsene Houssaye
When I went to my doctor's appointment to get the results of my Cine MRI I knew that whatever she told me wouldn't be good.
If the MRI showed a blockage of spinal fluid flow then it would mean a high likelihood that that was what was causing my nausea. If that were the case, having the brain surgery - where they put the shunt in between your lower brain and spinal cord to open that compacted space up - would be the hoped for cure.
If my doctor told me that the MRI was normal then that wouldn't be good either because I would still be sick and not any closer to understanding how to get better.
So, like I said, whatever her answer was I felt like it was a lose-lose.
And the results were that my spinal fluid was flowing normally.
Great! Yay! No brain surgery!
Ugh! Bad! Still nauseous!
I went for forty days with my "death" nausea before I had a day of my "normal" bad nausea (prior to that, the longest stretch of "bad" had been seven days!) and I made it out alive - which, when your physical illness challenges you so mentally, is no easy feat!
All I can do right now is give thanks for all that is good and keep believing, that sometime soon, being ill will be a thing of my past.
If the MRI showed a blockage of spinal fluid flow then it would mean a high likelihood that that was what was causing my nausea. If that were the case, having the brain surgery - where they put the shunt in between your lower brain and spinal cord to open that compacted space up - would be the hoped for cure.
If my doctor told me that the MRI was normal then that wouldn't be good either because I would still be sick and not any closer to understanding how to get better.
So, like I said, whatever her answer was I felt like it was a lose-lose.
And the results were that my spinal fluid was flowing normally.
Great! Yay! No brain surgery!
Ugh! Bad! Still nauseous!
I went for forty days with my "death" nausea before I had a day of my "normal" bad nausea (prior to that, the longest stretch of "bad" had been seven days!) and I made it out alive - which, when your physical illness challenges you so mentally, is no easy feat!
All I can do right now is give thanks for all that is good and keep believing, that sometime soon, being ill will be a thing of my past.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
"Meditations on Christian Doctrine," "Hope in God—Creator", March 7, 1848
This is a prayer that I hold dear. The prayer both reminds me of hope and gives me faith, and it reminds me of faith and gives me hope.
"God knows me and calls me by my name.…
God has created me to do Him some definite service;
He has committed some work to me
which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission—I never may know it in this life,
but I shall be told it in the next.
Somehow I am necessary for His purposes…
I have a part in this great work;
I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection
between persons.
He has not created me for naught. I shall do good,
I shall do His work;
I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth
in my own place, while not intending it,
if I do but keep His commandments
and serve Him in my calling.
Therefore I will trust Him.
Whatever, wherever I am,
I can never be thrown away.
If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;
In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;
If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.
My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be
necessary causes of some great end,
which is quite beyond us.
He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life,
He may shorten it;
He knows what He is about.
He may take away my friends,
He may throw me among strangers,
He may make me feel desolate,
make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—
still He knows what He is about.…
Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—
I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used."
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman
from Meditations and Devotions,
"Meditations on Christian Doctrine,"
"Hope in God—Creator", March 7, 1848
"God knows me and calls me by my name.…
God has created me to do Him some definite service;
He has committed some work to me
which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission—I never may know it in this life,
but I shall be told it in the next.
Somehow I am necessary for His purposes…
I have a part in this great work;
I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection
between persons.
He has not created me for naught. I shall do good,
I shall do His work;
I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth
in my own place, while not intending it,
if I do but keep His commandments
and serve Him in my calling.
Therefore I will trust Him.
Whatever, wherever I am,
I can never be thrown away.
If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;
In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;
If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.
My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be
necessary causes of some great end,
which is quite beyond us.
He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life,
He may shorten it;
He knows what He is about.
He may take away my friends,
He may throw me among strangers,
He may make me feel desolate,
make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—
still He knows what He is about.…
Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—
I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used."
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman
from Meditations and Devotions,
"Meditations on Christian Doctrine,"
"Hope in God—Creator", March 7, 1848
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Compliment?
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every once in a while someone will ask me what I think is one of the stupidest questions ever... "Why aren't you married?" and I look at them with a tempered form of loathing and give no response. They continue questioning, "Have you ever been close to being married?" "Yes," I answer, "very close." "Well, what happened?" they want to know. And I just look at them and say, "I didn't get his name or number!" : )
But at the same time it irritates me, I know that their asking the question is a form of compliment, as in, how can this girl not be married when: she's pretty, she's funny, she's smart, she's charming, she's athletic, she's thoughtful, or whatever positive thing it is they are thinking. But still, I just wish they'd figure a better way of doing it!
But at the same time it irritates me, I know that their asking the question is a form of compliment, as in, how can this girl not be married when: she's pretty, she's funny, she's smart, she's charming, she's athletic, she's thoughtful, or whatever positive thing it is they are thinking. But still, I just wish they'd figure a better way of doing it!
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