If you're older and you want to have that baby... just let Life show you how miracles are all around... no matter who you are!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
M.I.A.
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know. I've been missing-in-action for the last several... months. I guess there are a multitude of reasons, some more compelling than the others. But I think it probably, most likely, boiled down to just blogger burn-out.
I mean, I know why I started writing this blog: it was basically to chronicle my journey to a miracle - hence the blog's name, Dreaming Miracles. I'm not sure how to write what I felt - and still feel - in a humble enough way for people reading to understand where I was coming from, but I'll give it a try.
I felt called. Like, as in, yes, a "calling" by God. Yep, just as I thought, you can not get around trying to seem humble when you tell someone you felt that you were called by God to do some particular thing!
However, what I think is, everyone is called at different times in their life to do something that God really wants them to do; called to do something that was chosen particularly for them, by and through their own uniqueness. It's only a matter of if - when you were "Nudged" - you took that feeling; the "Nudge" - as being from God? Did you hear it, feel it, sense it, see it? And when you got the "Nudge" did you ignore it, or did you follow where it led?
Well, like I said, my "Nudge" was to write a blog about being older, single, unmarried - with no prospects! - and wanting to find not only love in the form of a husband, but to get pregnant and have biological children of my own. I wanted the family I had dreamed of since I was four years old and understood what it was to want a wish come true.
And the "Nudge" told me - I suppose the "told" was more like a persistent thought that one day seemed to get zapped into my head from out of nowhere - that I needed to write about my journey to attaining my miracle so that when I got the miracle someone could see that it wasn't like magic, but it that it was all about Faith... and that Faith wasn't a straight road easily followed, but that it had many curves; curves that could take you up peaks and down into valleys. The "Nudge" wanted me to write whatever and wherever the journey led; it wanted every curve, every peak, every valley, and every "accident" that tore me or smashed me up along the way, publicly written - date-stamped - down. The "Nudge" told me that everything I wrote would be important later. The "Nudge" didn't let me know when "later" would be, only that "later" would be the miracle, and "later" would be the end of this one particular story.
As I imagine is often the case, when a matter is between God and oneself, the next persistent thoughts were why I shouldn't pay attention to the "Nudge." "You're not a writer!" Resistance said. "Hell," Resistance reminded me, "you're not even good at grammar!" Resistance belly-ache laughed when telling me, "You go from past-tense to present-tense and don't even know it!!!"
Now why would that be? Why would - when you have something that you feel God particularly wants you to do for some good purpose - you would be confronted with the swift mockery of Resistance that follows the "Nudge?" I can't be positive, but I believe it is because miracles are special gifts; really, really special gifts, and I think that sometimes, in order that one be given to you, God wants to know that you have the Faith it takes to fully, completely, and sincerely appreciate it... to the point where, when you go out and say to the world you got your miracle, you had been through the "fire;" you'd been tested and come out stronger than you ever thought to imagine your strength could be.
But, for all Resistance efforts at trying to have me ignore the "Nudge," none of them worked; the "Nudge" was so powerful; the "Nudge," I believe, was Faith, itself! And I took that leap off the plank... I decided to try my best to follow Faith on an uncharted journey and I began to write.
I've written for over 5 1/2 years now and nothing has changed in regards to my attaining my miracles - the dreams of my soul - except that I have gotten older. I could dwell on that negatively - the only getting older part - but I try my best to understand that that means the miracle has become even greater.
I didn't stop writing this blog the past several months because I had lost Faith in my miracle; I haven't. My Faith still fluctuates just as it always has... though I think I may have learned how to tighten my grip better when I feel it trying to slip away... I still believe! I stopped writing because it felt like it didn't matter; like no one cared if I did it, or didn't do it.
I guess, I just got tired of feeling alone in this "blogosphere;" alone, wherein, I write and write and write, but I never have anyone express thoughts, at all, about anything I have to say!
I wrote this blog for five years and never really felt like I needed to be supported; needed to be encouraged. And I wasn't sure why it was, that after all the years that passed, I somehow all the sudden deemed that I needed something from my readers... that I needed to know if any part of what I had to say meant anything, to anyone, at any time?
I never did figure out the answer to that question before I just decided that it shouldn't matter - at least that's not what my priority in writing my blog ever was before and should be now.
I decided that I needed to just write for me; I needed to just write because to me this journey I'm on is as exciting as going to any foreign lands. Hell, this journey is ALL foreign land... and it's with out a map, much less, an itinerary... and as I've learned - because it's the way I travel to real foreign lands! - not knowing anything about where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how things can possibly "work out" is the most exciting - and life-changing part of the journeying experience. All the personal growth I've gotten while traveling has been when - faced with the unknown - I've just said, "Fuck it," and proceeded on... even when things went wrong, I kept going... until they were made right.
I know. I've been missing-in-action for the last several... months. I guess there are a multitude of reasons, some more compelling than the others. But I think it probably, most likely, boiled down to just blogger burn-out.
I mean, I know why I started writing this blog: it was basically to chronicle my journey to a miracle - hence the blog's name, Dreaming Miracles. I'm not sure how to write what I felt - and still feel - in a humble enough way for people reading to understand where I was coming from, but I'll give it a try.
I felt called. Like, as in, yes, a "calling" by God. Yep, just as I thought, you can not get around trying to seem humble when you tell someone you felt that you were called by God to do some particular thing!
However, what I think is, everyone is called at different times in their life to do something that God really wants them to do; called to do something that was chosen particularly for them, by and through their own uniqueness. It's only a matter of if - when you were "Nudged" - you took that feeling; the "Nudge" - as being from God? Did you hear it, feel it, sense it, see it? And when you got the "Nudge" did you ignore it, or did you follow where it led?
Well, like I said, my "Nudge" was to write a blog about being older, single, unmarried - with no prospects! - and wanting to find not only love in the form of a husband, but to get pregnant and have biological children of my own. I wanted the family I had dreamed of since I was four years old and understood what it was to want a wish come true.
And the "Nudge" told me - I suppose the "told" was more like a persistent thought that one day seemed to get zapped into my head from out of nowhere - that I needed to write about my journey to attaining my miracle so that when I got the miracle someone could see that it wasn't like magic, but it that it was all about Faith... and that Faith wasn't a straight road easily followed, but that it had many curves; curves that could take you up peaks and down into valleys. The "Nudge" wanted me to write whatever and wherever the journey led; it wanted every curve, every peak, every valley, and every "accident" that tore me or smashed me up along the way, publicly written - date-stamped - down. The "Nudge" told me that everything I wrote would be important later. The "Nudge" didn't let me know when "later" would be, only that "later" would be the miracle, and "later" would be the end of this one particular story.
As I imagine is often the case, when a matter is between God and oneself, the next persistent thoughts were why I shouldn't pay attention to the "Nudge." "You're not a writer!" Resistance said. "Hell," Resistance reminded me, "you're not even good at grammar!" Resistance belly-ache laughed when telling me, "You go from past-tense to present-tense and don't even know it!!!"
Now why would that be? Why would - when you have something that you feel God particularly wants you to do for some good purpose - you would be confronted with the swift mockery of Resistance that follows the "Nudge?" I can't be positive, but I believe it is because miracles are special gifts; really, really special gifts, and I think that sometimes, in order that one be given to you, God wants to know that you have the Faith it takes to fully, completely, and sincerely appreciate it... to the point where, when you go out and say to the world you got your miracle, you had been through the "fire;" you'd been tested and come out stronger than you ever thought to imagine your strength could be.
But, for all Resistance efforts at trying to have me ignore the "Nudge," none of them worked; the "Nudge" was so powerful; the "Nudge," I believe, was Faith, itself! And I took that leap off the plank... I decided to try my best to follow Faith on an uncharted journey and I began to write.
I've written for over 5 1/2 years now and nothing has changed in regards to my attaining my miracles - the dreams of my soul - except that I have gotten older. I could dwell on that negatively - the only getting older part - but I try my best to understand that that means the miracle has become even greater.
I didn't stop writing this blog the past several months because I had lost Faith in my miracle; I haven't. My Faith still fluctuates just as it always has... though I think I may have learned how to tighten my grip better when I feel it trying to slip away... I still believe! I stopped writing because it felt like it didn't matter; like no one cared if I did it, or didn't do it.
I guess, I just got tired of feeling alone in this "blogosphere;" alone, wherein, I write and write and write, but I never have anyone express thoughts, at all, about anything I have to say!
I wrote this blog for five years and never really felt like I needed to be supported; needed to be encouraged. And I wasn't sure why it was, that after all the years that passed, I somehow all the sudden deemed that I needed something from my readers... that I needed to know if any part of what I had to say meant anything, to anyone, at any time?
I never did figure out the answer to that question before I just decided that it shouldn't matter - at least that's not what my priority in writing my blog ever was before and should be now.
I decided that I needed to just write for me; I needed to just write because to me this journey I'm on is as exciting as going to any foreign lands. Hell, this journey is ALL foreign land... and it's with out a map, much less, an itinerary... and as I've learned - because it's the way I travel to real foreign lands! - not knowing anything about where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how things can possibly "work out" is the most exciting - and life-changing part of the journeying experience. All the personal growth I've gotten while traveling has been when - faced with the unknown - I've just said, "Fuck it," and proceeded on... even when things went wrong, I kept going... until they were made right.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Amen, Sister!
"You gotta dance like nobody's watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow and love like it's never going to hurt." ~ Meme Grifsters
I'm glad to see this opinion so prominently put forth. I agree.
Everyone of us is different. Why should we be judged as if we were all the same? Why should we be judged at all?
The writer's points on the ability of the father to reproduce offspring at an advanced age is not thought of as taboo, why should it be for the mother? And, she also notes what I see in my own life: my 85 year old mother interacting with her 30 year old granddaughters that both love, adore and seek her wisdom. (Plus, I live with her and I have - at times - the tendencies of a teenager!)
As much as the medical area of fertility treatment is positively advancing, the medicine of aging is also just as positively advancing... helping us lead longer, better lives. Why should we allow ourselves to be stuck living within the bounds of old paradigms? We shouldn't. And, I won't.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
A Journey of a Thousand Miles
"When people say odds are a million to one, ignore the million and focus on the one." ~ Aaron Baker
Wow! This is an amazing story, but it especially resonated with me because the guy had/has the same mind-set I have had throughout my own long journey...
His and my journey couldn't be more different, but our attitude towards beating the odds and overcoming the statistics... are exactly the same.
Wow! This is an amazing story, but it especially resonated with me because the guy had/has the same mind-set I have had throughout my own long journey...
His and my journey couldn't be more different, but our attitude towards beating the odds and overcoming the statistics... are exactly the same.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Extra
"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." ~ Georgia O'Keeffe
So, this was an interesting piece of news... how special for the parent's! Nothing like a BIG surprise!
I'm so happy for other peoples' nice surprises, while at the same time, I'm ready for one of my own!
I'm so happy for other peoples' nice surprises, while at the same time, I'm ready for one of my own!
Sunday, April 12, 2015
"If you can dream it, you can do it. Don’t forget. This whole thing started with a mouse." ~ Walt Disney
Well, I'm really, really hoping it doesn't take me so much longer to attain my dreams but, if it does, it does...
I, like the woman in the article, would never allow anyone to tell me what is, or isn't, right for me.
Until you walk in another's shoes you can't possibly have knowledge of who they are, what they're about, or where the journey of their life is meant to lead...
Well, I'm really, really hoping it doesn't take me so much longer to attain my dreams but, if it does, it does...
I, like the woman in the article, would never allow anyone to tell me what is, or isn't, right for me.
Until you walk in another's shoes you can't possibly have knowledge of who they are, what they're about, or where the journey of their life is meant to lead...
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Incredible Life
"There is just one life for each of us: our own." ~ Euripides
I've been meaning to post this for some time... it's from Wikipedia (I wonder who originally started the page?!)... make sure you read ALL of the right hand column... pretty incredible!
I've been meaning to post this for some time... it's from Wikipedia (I wonder who originally started the page?!)... make sure you read ALL of the right hand column... pretty incredible!
Monday, March 16, 2015
Dreams and Dying
"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
I haven't written any posts in the past couple of weeks because I'm back once again to feeling the worst of my nausea. It never goes away. But sometimes it has degrees of worse. Lately I've been in my worst degree. It's not just hard on me physically to feel such overwhelming nausea, it's really difficult on me mentally, as well.
When I feel this level of bad the pill I take (Zofran) doesn't work; I get no relief. I just have to bear things as best I can. And often, at least when it last for this long, I don't bear it well, at all.
My sister who got diagnosed with A.R.V.D. (the genetic heart condition my dad had) and had to have a pace-maker and defibrillator put in her has gone through some mental difficulties of her own, but the difference between her dealing with her medical issue for the past six months and me dealing with my issue - non-stop - for the past five years, is that she is afraid of dying, while, I, on the other hand, am more afraid of living.
Yeah, it scares me more to think that I might go through any more time living this physically miserable life than it does for me to consider death. Because the life I lead when I feel like this already feels like death.
It doesn't just feel like the physical misery one might go through when dying, but it engulfs me in a mental and emotional way, too. I'm not able to dream. I'm not even able to want to care about my dreams any longer. And when you reach the point of not having dreams to live for, well, what do you have left?
I try my best to hold onto the hope that I will be cured of whatever this illness is, but as time keeps going by the harder it gets to believe.
I want to scream at God - I have screamed at God - "What do you think I'm made of? All of this is more than I can bear." But he either isn't listening, doesn't care, or believes I have more in me than I think I do. I don't know.
I do know that it's virtually impossible for me to get out and enjoy the world and attain the dream's of my heart when I can't even get out of my bed.
I mean, it's frustrating because I ovulated again this weekend and I could have had any number of guys - guys I like - that would have had sex with me - and, truthfully, whether I got pregnant or not, that would have been fun - but I couldn't even imagine meeting any of them feeling as bad as I do. It's kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when you feel like you just want to lie your head on the rim of the toilet seat ready to throw up.
When I get better - and I have no idea how long this "worse" will last - I do have some things to share. I do have some things to say.
I haven't written any posts in the past couple of weeks because I'm back once again to feeling the worst of my nausea. It never goes away. But sometimes it has degrees of worse. Lately I've been in my worst degree. It's not just hard on me physically to feel such overwhelming nausea, it's really difficult on me mentally, as well.
When I feel this level of bad the pill I take (Zofran) doesn't work; I get no relief. I just have to bear things as best I can. And often, at least when it last for this long, I don't bear it well, at all.
My sister who got diagnosed with A.R.V.D. (the genetic heart condition my dad had) and had to have a pace-maker and defibrillator put in her has gone through some mental difficulties of her own, but the difference between her dealing with her medical issue for the past six months and me dealing with my issue - non-stop - for the past five years, is that she is afraid of dying, while, I, on the other hand, am more afraid of living.
Yeah, it scares me more to think that I might go through any more time living this physically miserable life than it does for me to consider death. Because the life I lead when I feel like this already feels like death.
It doesn't just feel like the physical misery one might go through when dying, but it engulfs me in a mental and emotional way, too. I'm not able to dream. I'm not even able to want to care about my dreams any longer. And when you reach the point of not having dreams to live for, well, what do you have left?
I try my best to hold onto the hope that I will be cured of whatever this illness is, but as time keeps going by the harder it gets to believe.
I want to scream at God - I have screamed at God - "What do you think I'm made of? All of this is more than I can bear." But he either isn't listening, doesn't care, or believes I have more in me than I think I do. I don't know.
I do know that it's virtually impossible for me to get out and enjoy the world and attain the dream's of my heart when I can't even get out of my bed.
I mean, it's frustrating because I ovulated again this weekend and I could have had any number of guys - guys I like - that would have had sex with me - and, truthfully, whether I got pregnant or not, that would have been fun - but I couldn't even imagine meeting any of them feeling as bad as I do. It's kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when you feel like you just want to lie your head on the rim of the toilet seat ready to throw up.
When I get better - and I have no idea how long this "worse" will last - I do have some things to share. I do have some things to say.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Testosterone!
"Do you believe in miracles? YES!" ~ Al Michaels
A video with a lot of testosterone in it, but really worth the reminder... of knowing what's inside you - greatness!
A video with a lot of testosterone in it, but really worth the reminder... of knowing what's inside you - greatness!
Saturday, February 21, 2015
VD
"Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that." ~ Unknown Author
So, last Saturday, because I had no reason to remember February 14th as being a "special" day... I forgot all about that day being Valentine's Day.
I had driven an hour the night before to go visit my sister (the one that used to live a plane flight away but moved closer to "home") on Friday the 13th for a get-together she was having and then I had been invited to an afternoon big, BBQ party by some new friends of hers the next afternoon - Saturday.
The small town she lives in is quaint and is situated in such a nice locale it has become a small (expensive!) resort destination.
I had a really good time both the night before and at the afternoon BBQ - maybe a little too good of time. It was just a beautiful setting; lots to eat and drink, and new people to meet and talk to.
I'm sure I drank a little too much but by the time I got back to my sister's around 5 PM I certainly wasn't ready to call it a night... she was! She has to get up very early for her job and knows her limits. So, I ended up ditching her and going out on my own. It's an easy town to walk around from one restaurant or bar to another, but first I decided that I wanted to just go to a park and hang out, listen to some music and watch the day turn to night.
After about an hour I was hungry and ready for a drink. The closest place was an Italian restaurant. I walked from the park and crossed the street to go there. There was a line of people standing outside the restaurant's doors, but I just thought, it's a resort town on a Saturday night. I walked right past all of those waiting in line because, being so often by myself, I know that when there's a nice restaurant there is usually a nice bar attached to it and I could simply "belly up to it" and order a glass of wine and an appetizer - without the wait. So that's what I did.
I found an empty seat, inquired of the trendy, older lady sitting to the right of it if it were available, she indicated it was, and I sat down. That's the first time I really looked around and saw that every single person in the place was a part of a couple... not even groups of couples... just individual couples! At that moment the dim light in my head lit up and I was like, holy shit, it's Valentine's Day, the one - of two - most obnoxious nights of the year for me (the other being New Year's Eve!).
Those two nights - Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve - would be obnoxious to me even if I were a part of a couple, for crying out loud. I abhor them as night's to go out and "live it up." I have literally always said that even if I were married I would never go out to a "special" dinner on either of those nights. And it's not that I don't love going out to dinner, nor do I have anything against celebrating those holidays... I just wouldn't celebrate them on the days they occur! lol! Yeah, one more of me and my idiosyncrasies.
I guess it just goes back to my independent, anti-you-name-it nature! I mean, I could see going out with a boyfriend or husband on February 15th or January 2 to have a nice, intimate evening together and celebrate with food and drink, but I've practically sworn that I would never do it on the actual holiday!
I just wanted to sink my head down right then and there, but I had already ordered my wine and appetizer. I was just gonna have to "buck up." And I didn't even have my phone with me - I had left it at my sister's house - so I couldn't even try to ignore the "love" going on around me by peering at the latest goings on via Facebook or Twitter. I had to put my happy-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck face on.
I guess I put the right face on because the trendy, older lady sitting next to me started a conversation. I found out all about her, and how she had met the elderly gentleman partner with her (who I, at first, assumed was her husband). They had had a Fateful meeting a few years earlier. He had been visiting her town, with friends, and lived quite far away, but they struck up a conversation and, viola!, here they were staying in the resort town for the Valentine's weekend.
Since her gentleman friend was sitting on the other side of her - and it was Valentine's Day - I think she felt like she might be talking to me a little too much and needed to divert her attention back on him. Probably a smart move.
That left me once again yearning for my partner... my iPhone 6! I needed it! I missed it! lol!
But really, for the most part, I did surprisingly well for being the only single person (outside the waitstaff!) in the whole entire restaurant and bar combined!
As disgusted as I was to find myself out on Valentine's Day evening, I thought I was managing - and actually enjoying myself - pretty darn well. I wasn't going to let Valentine's Day ruin my plan of going out to some nice - and different places - just because I was all by myself. This was a mini-vacation weekend for me and I intended to enjoy it. So once I finished my wine and appetizer at that bar I was ready to go on to the next.
In my conversation earlier with the trendy, older woman I had asked her which of two particular spots she would choose if she were going to be wanting another cocktail and appetizer - which I most definitely was! - at a different place. She had recommended the resort restaurant and bar itself. Hmm... I thought, can I manage that? The actual resort hotel from which all these lovebirds were nesting? Well, I had heard it was a lovely place so, off I went.
The resort was lit up beautifully as I walked its vast grounds and made my way to the grand entrance. I was glad it was a long walk. I needed the fresh air for sobering purposes and to muster the confidence (no, the alchy I had to drink thus far was not enough) to walk into that expensive love-shack.
I made my way down a short hall - passing the restaurant - and went into the the doors to the bar, opened at the far end. The place was packed. At first I didn't even see an open chair at the bar, but I continued walking around it and noticed one free spot at the far corner. I asked the couple next to it if it were vacant. They cordially said, yes, that no one was seated there, and invited me to sit. I smiled at the nice-looking, 60ish gentleman and his slightly younger female companion, took my seat, and let out a small sigh of grief at not having my long fingers wrapped around my loving... iPhone!
As I said, I was at the back, side corner of the bar so the gentleman had actually been seated with his back to me and the woman was seated with her back to everyone else - she only had eyes for him - but was know squarely facing me, too. There was a man somewhere - it was hard to see from my vantage point - playing the piano and singing classic Valetiney Day songs.
I always introduce myself to people - bartenders and waiters included - when I'm seated next to them (if they look at all receptive... and sometimes even if they don't!) and I did so with this new couple.
"Hi," I said, "My name is L." The woman told me her name first and then introduced me to her man. Right from the get-go with this couple it was like God said, "L, I'm gonna give you a break here since it's St. Valentine's Day, you forgot about that fact, you're by yourself amongst all these loved-up couples, and you accidentally left the inanimate love-of-your-life back at your sisters. I'm going to set you up so your seated next to the kindest, loveliest couple at this entire hotel."
Yeah, I think that's pretty much what God said. And I really was blessed. This couple just couldn't have been nicer. They were interested in me and wanted to include me. Maybe I had mentioned to them how I had wandered out alone on the single person's night from hell and just said, fuck it, gonna make the best of it and there I was. I thought I was going to have a beer and another appetizer, but somehow when the bartender came over to see about the couples second round, the next thing I knew the gentleman was encouraging me to order my "special" drink... a Bombay Sapphire Dirty Martini - straight up - olives on the side.
When our drinks were brought to us I raised my glass to clink theirs and said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" I inquired about where they were from and then found out all about their relationship.
They lived about a five hour drive from the resort hotel. They had met on Match.com about four months earlier and the most obvious thing of all was that she seemed smitten. I didn't need to know that he was... looking at her, and talking to her, I didn't see anyway he couldn't be... counting his lucky stars. But when she looked at him, the way she looked at him, made me feel happy for both of them. I think she had kissed enough frogs to last a lifetime... and she had found her prince. He was a few years older than her, but I think she reveled in his self-assurance, the aura he had about him.
I had managed to pick out and order my appetizer which was quite delicious (and much needed) and kept up a nice conversation with this happy couple. I remember at one point - and by this time I found out where the guy was - the piano player started singing a song that the woman said she loved. There were plenty of people already on the small dance floor and I asked her if she liked dancing. She said she did. And then I think I practically pushed them out of their chairs to get out there and dance to this favorite song of hers.
When they came back they wanted to order one more round of drinks and asked if I wanted another, also. I did. I love a good martini... and the one I had was made excellently. They continued to include me - probably due to the perfect mixture of them being empathic and me being funny - and when they finished their drink it was time to bid them a fond farewell. And when the gentleman asked for his tab he told the bartender to include all of my tab on his. It was the sweetest of gestures.
Once again, I was surrounded by couples but this time I felt more alone. Ugh, the longing for the comfort of my iPhone was deep. But, I decided, the night was still early - about 11PM - and I thought I would like to have a glass of red wine. But when I ordered it I asked if I might have it in a "to-go" cup. I told the bartender that I wanted to take it outside where I saw there were chairs and a fire pit on a patio.
When I walked out into the cold night air toward the chairs around the fire pit, it was once again obvious that it's was all couples sitting around talking with each other, but I found an Adirondack chair a little further back and plopped myself in just trying to take in the feelings, sounds, and sights around me.
Shortly after I had sat, a "blue-collar" kinda guy came out to smoke a cigarette. He was by himself. It was the first time I had seen anyone (other than waitstaff) by themselves. He stood by the chair next to mine and I welcomed him to have a seat. I wasn't "interested" in him, just wanting him to know if he wanted to sit it was fine to do so, i.e., the seat was open.
I only talked to him briefly but I got his "story" and I felt a little sad for him.
He, like all the others, had come to the resort for a special Valentine's getaway. He was with his partner of six years, but he basically said he was completely miserable. And it didn't have anything to do with his partner per se. It had to do with the whole, wanting to please her aspect. He basically just was a simple guy. He said he liked hunting and fishing and being at home on his land. He gestured with his hand back at the resort just behind us and said it wasn't "him."
I think he was having a hard time knowing that he wanted to please a woman I'm sure he loved and yet sacrificing himself in the process. I commiserated and told him I was proud of him for getting out of his "comfort zone." It isn't easy I told him, but it's often needed and good. Hell, I thought, that's pretty much what my whole night was ending up being about!
He went back into find his sweetheart and I stayed out by the fire just thinking... about everything... life, hopes, dreams, fate... love...
Later, when I went back into the bar the piano man was still singing, but it was last call. I asked the bartender if I could order a glass of champagne - I told him my situation - that I was dumbfounded to find myself out on my "nightmare" night of the year - and I wanted to celebrate... me! I think he told me that they didn't serve champagne by the glass - though, in hindsight I don't know if I believe him. I told him fine, I'd buy a bottle.
I just wanted to spend money and do something completely special for me. He told me he'd have to go to the kitchen. I saw him leave the bar and go through the kitchen doors and when he came back he told me he couldn't serve me the champagne. He didn't come right out and say it, but I think the gist was that I was cut off from last call.
But even as he told me that, he brought out, and placed before me on the bar, a carton "to-go" box and said it was his gift to me. I opened the lid and inside was the most decadent looking chocolate lover's chocolate desert I had ever seen. Let me pay you for it, I said. No, he had replied, he wanted me to have it to as a little something to celebrate for my Valentine's Day.
With that, I paid for my one glass of wine, said my thank you's, and was ready to get back "home." I had actually survived going out on a Saturday Valentine's Day evening, with what felt like a teeming mass of lover's, all by myself...
For me, it wasn't just surviving... it was pure triumphing!
So, last Saturday, because I had no reason to remember February 14th as being a "special" day... I forgot all about that day being Valentine's Day.
I had driven an hour the night before to go visit my sister (the one that used to live a plane flight away but moved closer to "home") on Friday the 13th for a get-together she was having and then I had been invited to an afternoon big, BBQ party by some new friends of hers the next afternoon - Saturday.
The small town she lives in is quaint and is situated in such a nice locale it has become a small (expensive!) resort destination.
I had a really good time both the night before and at the afternoon BBQ - maybe a little too good of time. It was just a beautiful setting; lots to eat and drink, and new people to meet and talk to.
I'm sure I drank a little too much but by the time I got back to my sister's around 5 PM I certainly wasn't ready to call it a night... she was! She has to get up very early for her job and knows her limits. So, I ended up ditching her and going out on my own. It's an easy town to walk around from one restaurant or bar to another, but first I decided that I wanted to just go to a park and hang out, listen to some music and watch the day turn to night.
After about an hour I was hungry and ready for a drink. The closest place was an Italian restaurant. I walked from the park and crossed the street to go there. There was a line of people standing outside the restaurant's doors, but I just thought, it's a resort town on a Saturday night. I walked right past all of those waiting in line because, being so often by myself, I know that when there's a nice restaurant there is usually a nice bar attached to it and I could simply "belly up to it" and order a glass of wine and an appetizer - without the wait. So that's what I did.
I found an empty seat, inquired of the trendy, older lady sitting to the right of it if it were available, she indicated it was, and I sat down. That's the first time I really looked around and saw that every single person in the place was a part of a couple... not even groups of couples... just individual couples! At that moment the dim light in my head lit up and I was like, holy shit, it's Valentine's Day, the one - of two - most obnoxious nights of the year for me (the other being New Year's Eve!).
Those two nights - Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve - would be obnoxious to me even if I were a part of a couple, for crying out loud. I abhor them as night's to go out and "live it up." I have literally always said that even if I were married I would never go out to a "special" dinner on either of those nights. And it's not that I don't love going out to dinner, nor do I have anything against celebrating those holidays... I just wouldn't celebrate them on the days they occur! lol! Yeah, one more of me and my idiosyncrasies.
I guess it just goes back to my independent, anti-you-name-it nature! I mean, I could see going out with a boyfriend or husband on February 15th or January 2 to have a nice, intimate evening together and celebrate with food and drink, but I've practically sworn that I would never do it on the actual holiday!
I just wanted to sink my head down right then and there, but I had already ordered my wine and appetizer. I was just gonna have to "buck up." And I didn't even have my phone with me - I had left it at my sister's house - so I couldn't even try to ignore the "love" going on around me by peering at the latest goings on via Facebook or Twitter. I had to put my happy-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck face on.
I guess I put the right face on because the trendy, older lady sitting next to me started a conversation. I found out all about her, and how she had met the elderly gentleman partner with her (who I, at first, assumed was her husband). They had had a Fateful meeting a few years earlier. He had been visiting her town, with friends, and lived quite far away, but they struck up a conversation and, viola!, here they were staying in the resort town for the Valentine's weekend.
Since her gentleman friend was sitting on the other side of her - and it was Valentine's Day - I think she felt like she might be talking to me a little too much and needed to divert her attention back on him. Probably a smart move.
That left me once again yearning for my partner... my iPhone 6! I needed it! I missed it! lol!
But really, for the most part, I did surprisingly well for being the only single person (outside the waitstaff!) in the whole entire restaurant and bar combined!
As disgusted as I was to find myself out on Valentine's Day evening, I thought I was managing - and actually enjoying myself - pretty darn well. I wasn't going to let Valentine's Day ruin my plan of going out to some nice - and different places - just because I was all by myself. This was a mini-vacation weekend for me and I intended to enjoy it. So once I finished my wine and appetizer at that bar I was ready to go on to the next.
In my conversation earlier with the trendy, older woman I had asked her which of two particular spots she would choose if she were going to be wanting another cocktail and appetizer - which I most definitely was! - at a different place. She had recommended the resort restaurant and bar itself. Hmm... I thought, can I manage that? The actual resort hotel from which all these lovebirds were nesting? Well, I had heard it was a lovely place so, off I went.
The resort was lit up beautifully as I walked its vast grounds and made my way to the grand entrance. I was glad it was a long walk. I needed the fresh air for sobering purposes and to muster the confidence (no, the alchy I had to drink thus far was not enough) to walk into that expensive love-shack.
I made my way down a short hall - passing the restaurant - and went into the the doors to the bar, opened at the far end. The place was packed. At first I didn't even see an open chair at the bar, but I continued walking around it and noticed one free spot at the far corner. I asked the couple next to it if it were vacant. They cordially said, yes, that no one was seated there, and invited me to sit. I smiled at the nice-looking, 60ish gentleman and his slightly younger female companion, took my seat, and let out a small sigh of grief at not having my long fingers wrapped around my loving... iPhone!
As I said, I was at the back, side corner of the bar so the gentleman had actually been seated with his back to me and the woman was seated with her back to everyone else - she only had eyes for him - but was know squarely facing me, too. There was a man somewhere - it was hard to see from my vantage point - playing the piano and singing classic Valetiney Day songs.
I always introduce myself to people - bartenders and waiters included - when I'm seated next to them (if they look at all receptive... and sometimes even if they don't!) and I did so with this new couple.
"Hi," I said, "My name is L." The woman told me her name first and then introduced me to her man. Right from the get-go with this couple it was like God said, "L, I'm gonna give you a break here since it's St. Valentine's Day, you forgot about that fact, you're by yourself amongst all these loved-up couples, and you accidentally left the inanimate love-of-your-life back at your sisters. I'm going to set you up so your seated next to the kindest, loveliest couple at this entire hotel."
Yeah, I think that's pretty much what God said. And I really was blessed. This couple just couldn't have been nicer. They were interested in me and wanted to include me. Maybe I had mentioned to them how I had wandered out alone on the single person's night from hell and just said, fuck it, gonna make the best of it and there I was. I thought I was going to have a beer and another appetizer, but somehow when the bartender came over to see about the couples second round, the next thing I knew the gentleman was encouraging me to order my "special" drink... a Bombay Sapphire Dirty Martini - straight up - olives on the side.
When our drinks were brought to us I raised my glass to clink theirs and said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" I inquired about where they were from and then found out all about their relationship.
They lived about a five hour drive from the resort hotel. They had met on Match.com about four months earlier and the most obvious thing of all was that she seemed smitten. I didn't need to know that he was... looking at her, and talking to her, I didn't see anyway he couldn't be... counting his lucky stars. But when she looked at him, the way she looked at him, made me feel happy for both of them. I think she had kissed enough frogs to last a lifetime... and she had found her prince. He was a few years older than her, but I think she reveled in his self-assurance, the aura he had about him.
I had managed to pick out and order my appetizer which was quite delicious (and much needed) and kept up a nice conversation with this happy couple. I remember at one point - and by this time I found out where the guy was - the piano player started singing a song that the woman said she loved. There were plenty of people already on the small dance floor and I asked her if she liked dancing. She said she did. And then I think I practically pushed them out of their chairs to get out there and dance to this favorite song of hers.
When they came back they wanted to order one more round of drinks and asked if I wanted another, also. I did. I love a good martini... and the one I had was made excellently. They continued to include me - probably due to the perfect mixture of them being empathic and me being funny - and when they finished their drink it was time to bid them a fond farewell. And when the gentleman asked for his tab he told the bartender to include all of my tab on his. It was the sweetest of gestures.
Once again, I was surrounded by couples but this time I felt more alone. Ugh, the longing for the comfort of my iPhone was deep. But, I decided, the night was still early - about 11PM - and I thought I would like to have a glass of red wine. But when I ordered it I asked if I might have it in a "to-go" cup. I told the bartender that I wanted to take it outside where I saw there were chairs and a fire pit on a patio.
When I walked out into the cold night air toward the chairs around the fire pit, it was once again obvious that it's was all couples sitting around talking with each other, but I found an Adirondack chair a little further back and plopped myself in just trying to take in the feelings, sounds, and sights around me.
Shortly after I had sat, a "blue-collar" kinda guy came out to smoke a cigarette. He was by himself. It was the first time I had seen anyone (other than waitstaff) by themselves. He stood by the chair next to mine and I welcomed him to have a seat. I wasn't "interested" in him, just wanting him to know if he wanted to sit it was fine to do so, i.e., the seat was open.
I only talked to him briefly but I got his "story" and I felt a little sad for him.
He, like all the others, had come to the resort for a special Valentine's getaway. He was with his partner of six years, but he basically said he was completely miserable. And it didn't have anything to do with his partner per se. It had to do with the whole, wanting to please her aspect. He basically just was a simple guy. He said he liked hunting and fishing and being at home on his land. He gestured with his hand back at the resort just behind us and said it wasn't "him."
I think he was having a hard time knowing that he wanted to please a woman I'm sure he loved and yet sacrificing himself in the process. I commiserated and told him I was proud of him for getting out of his "comfort zone." It isn't easy I told him, but it's often needed and good. Hell, I thought, that's pretty much what my whole night was ending up being about!
He went back into find his sweetheart and I stayed out by the fire just thinking... about everything... life, hopes, dreams, fate... love...
Later, when I went back into the bar the piano man was still singing, but it was last call. I asked the bartender if I could order a glass of champagne - I told him my situation - that I was dumbfounded to find myself out on my "nightmare" night of the year - and I wanted to celebrate... me! I think he told me that they didn't serve champagne by the glass - though, in hindsight I don't know if I believe him. I told him fine, I'd buy a bottle.
I just wanted to spend money and do something completely special for me. He told me he'd have to go to the kitchen. I saw him leave the bar and go through the kitchen doors and when he came back he told me he couldn't serve me the champagne. He didn't come right out and say it, but I think the gist was that I was cut off from last call.
But even as he told me that, he brought out, and placed before me on the bar, a carton "to-go" box and said it was his gift to me. I opened the lid and inside was the most decadent looking chocolate lover's chocolate desert I had ever seen. Let me pay you for it, I said. No, he had replied, he wanted me to have it to as a little something to celebrate for my Valentine's Day.
With that, I paid for my one glass of wine, said my thank you's, and was ready to get back "home." I had actually survived going out on a Saturday Valentine's Day evening, with what felt like a teeming mass of lover's, all by myself...
For me, it wasn't just surviving... it was pure triumphing!
Thursday, February 19, 2015
It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over...
"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it." ~ William James
Well, this is a very timely (read: extraordinarily-needed!), nice, little story...
h/t Sandy Robertson
Well, this is a very timely (read: extraordinarily-needed!), nice, little story...
h/t Sandy Robertson
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Flakey Shakey Nothanky!
"You're time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." ~ Steve Jobs
In my previous post I mentioned that T. the guy from this post and then this one came back in my life. Yeah, after a four year hiatus! And I didn't even understand what the hell happened with him the first time... four years ago!
Well, I said I'd put up a screenshot of our "conversation" via Facebook messaging... so here it follows...
You'll note that he must have known I wasn't too happy with his excuse for missing my party. I mean, I did feel like it was rude of him to have rsvp'd that he would be there and then write me - what I thought of as a lame excuse - two hours after my party had started that he couldn't make it. Otherwise, I'm assuming, he wouldn't have written me over a week later expressing some regret.
In my previous post I mentioned that T. the guy from this post and then this one came back in my life. Yeah, after a four year hiatus! And I didn't even understand what the hell happened with him the first time... four years ago!
Well, I said I'd put up a screenshot of our "conversation" via Facebook messaging... so here it follows...
So, yeah, I had a dilemma with T. On the one hand, I would have liked to get re-aquantied with him. I think he's a nice, cute, fun guy. But then there's the other hand, and that's when I have to add the word "flakey" to my description of T.
He already had the one strike against him from his "flakeyness" four years ago and now he just had strike two. I mean, I had no problem with the fact that he might have already had plans when I asked him Wednesday night if he wanted to get together for a Happy Hour on Friday, my problem was with him saying, early Thursday morning, "I will let you know this evening."
Well, I never heard from him Thursday evening, and I never heard from him throughout the day on Friday for him to give me any kind of answer to my invite. I finally heard from him Friday night around 7:45PM. And, truthfully, though it didn't factor into my overall view of T.'s "flakeyness," I thought it strange when he did write me, he asks how my Happy Hour was... as if I was just going to a Happy Hour and not that he were the particular reason that I would be going in the first place! I know I wrote, "I'll be down that way" but that meant somewhere near the bar, not at the freak'n bar (otherwise why would I have even said immediately after that, "but I'm up for suggestions").
I didn't write him back on his Friday night message. I had nothing to say! But then he writes again a few days later and at that point I thought, I need to tell him why I'm not interested in him but I can't just come out and say, "Dude, you are just way too super flakey for me!" I felt like telling someone, something like that, needed to be said in a personal conversation... especially in light of the fact that I haven't even seen him in like 15 years or more! So, I just did the best I could by giving him a true compliment and then telling him I was unsure of about him. Yes, there could be a million reasons that he might wonder what I was "unsure" about but I figured if he really wanted to know he could always ask... at that point, I probably would have felt like I could give him my real reason.
But the thing is, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but something very similar - at least my feelings toward it - happened with J. whom I wrote about in this post. I might as well show you the screenshot of that "convo." You see J. was supposed to be coming to my small get-together. He had been one of the first to RSVP and tell me he was looking forward to it... and then I get the following message from him...
You'll note that he must have known I wasn't too happy with his excuse for missing my party. I mean, I did feel like it was rude of him to have rsvp'd that he would be there and then write me - what I thought of as a lame excuse - two hours after my party had started that he couldn't make it. Otherwise, I'm assuming, he wouldn't have written me over a week later expressing some regret.
At this point, I never wrote J. back. I just chalked him up to being too flakey (yeah, before my next flakey guy appeared!)! I mean, I could go into a lot of reasons why I thought J.'s excuse for missing my party - the party he said he would be at! - was rude, but really the only point that mattered to me was that his family mattered more!
You see, if a guy really, really liked you then pretty much NOTHING (and certainly not a last minute invite to dinner with your parents!) would stop you from wanting to spend time with them, for doing whatever it takes to make them feel special; to let them know you care... sending a, I'm-so-sorry text two hours after you could have stopped by a party you said you were going to be at, well, that was writing on my wall that J. was not someone I could be romantically interested in, or that he wasn't interested in me that way, either. A friend? I need all the friends I can get, but anything more than that? Nope. Not with him. Period.
I was telling someone my "flakey" guy stories and I just said to them that when you're in your 20's you can justify - in some positive light - all kinds of ways a guy "mistreats" you, but when you get to be my age... you just don't have the time to even want to figure them out. You just say, good guys... that someone - other than me! - can have the opportunity of wasting their time on!
And, since we're seemingly on the subject of "whatever-happened-to?" I'll also say that even though G.G. came back into the "fold" after he had kinda backed his way out... I finally just couldn't take him any more. He was constantly calling me - at all hours - and he would just talk incessantly... most of the time it didn't seem like he was drinking alcohol - though sometimes it did! - but then I thought maybe it was him chewing tobacco that would make him seem to start a conversation normally and then be all "wally" by the time I had to end it. The thing is: G.G. was a guy I loved - I still love! - but damn, I just couldn't take anymore of him, either.
I guess I was just striking out left, right, up and down. But there is some part of me that feels like the "Universe" is at least bringing me attractive, smart, creative, humorous guys... the only thing "It" is getting wrong is the flakey part. Like, my thought to the "Universe" is: bring me the positive guy I want... and let him be "grounded" in some stable, non-flakey way, please!
I could give myself a little grief for being so picky about, what I call the, "flakey" behavior by these guys - I mean in some ways they do seem small slights - but I truly feel, that in the big picture, I need a guy that would think more about me. I've always said, I need someone who can bring something to my table... not take something off of it!
Monday, January 26, 2015
Wasted
"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." ~ Paulo Coelho
I think I'll preface this post by reiterating the fact that this blog follows my story.
In other words, as with any story you may read, you will like some aspects of a plot or character, dislike other aspects, feel one emotion, and then another, it all depends on where you are "coming from" as to what your "response" to the story will be. And as much as - well, just as much as anyone, I guess - I want to be liked, I'm not writing coming from that place - the likability place - I'm writing about the truth of my life as it happens (or as near as it happens as I can).
I would love to gloss over some one part of my story, or sugar-coat some other part, but - as best I can - I don't. I can't. This is my journey. It's the one I'm on. And sometimes you just may wish that I'd do this or that different because you'd do it different, but I'm not you, I'm me and I've got to live my life how I think, not how anyone else thinks. That may sound like a real selfish thing to say... maybe it is, or maybe it's just the absolute truth.
I suppose what I want to say is: I'm telling you a lot about me. I'm opening myself up. I'm writing as honest an account of my life on this "journey" as I can. And I know when you do that - when your telling someone your inner-truth - that that's usually when people do judge you, that's when they can critique your life as an outsider looking in. So, I'm not exactly sure I want to write all of what I'm about to tell you, but I think I should because, like I said, it's my story, my truth, and it's all a part of this journey I have set out on...
See, I'm just so frustrated right now. My OV Watch indicated that I would be ovulating on Sunday (yesterday). It gave me a nice head start, letting me know that my Fertile Days 1-4 were Wednesday - Saturday, culminating with Ovulation Day 1 on Sunday and Ovulation Day 2 today.
So, my mind was like, your ovulation is happening on a weekend, you can find a guy to have sex with either Friday, Saturday or Sunday?! I had just written a post on how I've NEVER had the opportunity of even having sex when I was actually ovulating! I was definitely on a MISSION to at least try to have sex for one time in my life while I actually knew - like, positively! - that I was fertile!
Well, as it has happened - though I haven't had the time (or maybe even the inclination) to mentioned it - that one guy from this post came back into my life a month ago (I'll put up a screenshot of our "convo" in my next post) and I thought, why not see what he's doing Friday... maybe it'll lead to "something." Then I was like, but if not him, there were these two other Tinder guys that I had been corresponding with a lot and had come to like, as well, and they were definitely on my "radar" - and I seemingly was on theirs - and, I told myself, you can see if the one wants to "hook up" Saturday night (because they had been wanting to) and if the first falls through, then just be like - Next! - and go on to the other one.
With all those thoughts racing through my mind, I set out on my "plan of action" (okay, and this is where you can judge, judge, judge away!). I wasn't sure what, if anything, I was going to tell them! I was thinking, you know, it's up to all individuals involved in a sexual relationship to take responsibility for the consequences of having sex. Guys should know by now that if that don't want a "mistake" they need to take their own precautions for that not to happen. I definitely wasn't going to lie to them, but I wasn't going to be making any announcements regarding my intentions either.
Hell, they were going to be using me for their own purposes as much as I was using them for mine. Yes, I know, mine would have more "repercussions" but I wasn't going to take anything more from them than what they were giving me. I was just going to see what, if anything, could happen; let the chips fall where they may. See what the "Universe" had in mind! Like, if there was a miracle swirling around me to just grab onto!
Ugh! The "Universe!" Like, it didn't have anything in mind (well, it probably had a lot in mind, just none of it being anything I wanted!)! Everyone of the guys I had wanted fell through for one reason or another (and it was close!)! None of those guys was supposed to be the father of my child!
I mean, I'm still not going to judge what I was planning as being wrong. Throughout history guys have had children that they didn't plan on having. And, like I said, it's their responsibility to make sure they don't have kids if they don't want to be having kids (same goes for the girl)! I just have that Fate kind of attitude... like, if it happens then it supposed to happen. This time it wasn't supposed to happen.
But, yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I feel like it is such a waste! It's such a waste of a human egg... it's like, that egg developed with the intention of having some sperm come at it... and yet, not one sperm even got close to it!
*Deep sigh* I feel like I've been super blessed to still be ovulating every month and so, yeah, it's real frustrating to think that even though I'm potentially capable of having a baby I can't get the chance if I don't have a guy to make it with me...
Well, some guy - and I don't know who he might be - is coming my way... I don't know what has to transpire for him to find me, but it must already be in the works... good lord, I have to believe that it is already in the works... I suppose what I need to do more than anything is just quit trying to set a "plan of action" in motion and let the action just come find me exactly when and how it's supposed to... I just gotta quit worrying and know that everything will work out... every thing.
I think I'll preface this post by reiterating the fact that this blog follows my story.
In other words, as with any story you may read, you will like some aspects of a plot or character, dislike other aspects, feel one emotion, and then another, it all depends on where you are "coming from" as to what your "response" to the story will be. And as much as - well, just as much as anyone, I guess - I want to be liked, I'm not writing coming from that place - the likability place - I'm writing about the truth of my life as it happens (or as near as it happens as I can).
I would love to gloss over some one part of my story, or sugar-coat some other part, but - as best I can - I don't. I can't. This is my journey. It's the one I'm on. And sometimes you just may wish that I'd do this or that different because you'd do it different, but I'm not you, I'm me and I've got to live my life how I think, not how anyone else thinks. That may sound like a real selfish thing to say... maybe it is, or maybe it's just the absolute truth.
I suppose what I want to say is: I'm telling you a lot about me. I'm opening myself up. I'm writing as honest an account of my life on this "journey" as I can. And I know when you do that - when your telling someone your inner-truth - that that's usually when people do judge you, that's when they can critique your life as an outsider looking in. So, I'm not exactly sure I want to write all of what I'm about to tell you, but I think I should because, like I said, it's my story, my truth, and it's all a part of this journey I have set out on...
See, I'm just so frustrated right now. My OV Watch indicated that I would be ovulating on Sunday (yesterday). It gave me a nice head start, letting me know that my Fertile Days 1-4 were Wednesday - Saturday, culminating with Ovulation Day 1 on Sunday and Ovulation Day 2 today.
So, my mind was like, your ovulation is happening on a weekend, you can find a guy to have sex with either Friday, Saturday or Sunday?! I had just written a post on how I've NEVER had the opportunity of even having sex when I was actually ovulating! I was definitely on a MISSION to at least try to have sex for one time in my life while I actually knew - like, positively! - that I was fertile!
Well, as it has happened - though I haven't had the time (or maybe even the inclination) to mentioned it - that one guy from this post came back into my life a month ago (I'll put up a screenshot of our "convo" in my next post) and I thought, why not see what he's doing Friday... maybe it'll lead to "something." Then I was like, but if not him, there were these two other Tinder guys that I had been corresponding with a lot and had come to like, as well, and they were definitely on my "radar" - and I seemingly was on theirs - and, I told myself, you can see if the one wants to "hook up" Saturday night (because they had been wanting to) and if the first falls through, then just be like - Next! - and go on to the other one.
With all those thoughts racing through my mind, I set out on my "plan of action" (okay, and this is where you can judge, judge, judge away!). I wasn't sure what, if anything, I was going to tell them! I was thinking, you know, it's up to all individuals involved in a sexual relationship to take responsibility for the consequences of having sex. Guys should know by now that if that don't want a "mistake" they need to take their own precautions for that not to happen. I definitely wasn't going to lie to them, but I wasn't going to be making any announcements regarding my intentions either.
Hell, they were going to be using me for their own purposes as much as I was using them for mine. Yes, I know, mine would have more "repercussions" but I wasn't going to take anything more from them than what they were giving me. I was just going to see what, if anything, could happen; let the chips fall where they may. See what the "Universe" had in mind! Like, if there was a miracle swirling around me to just grab onto!
Ugh! The "Universe!" Like, it didn't have anything in mind (well, it probably had a lot in mind, just none of it being anything I wanted!)! Everyone of the guys I had wanted fell through for one reason or another (and it was close!)! None of those guys was supposed to be the father of my child!
I mean, I'm still not going to judge what I was planning as being wrong. Throughout history guys have had children that they didn't plan on having. And, like I said, it's their responsibility to make sure they don't have kids if they don't want to be having kids (same goes for the girl)! I just have that Fate kind of attitude... like, if it happens then it supposed to happen. This time it wasn't supposed to happen.
But, yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I feel like it is such a waste! It's such a waste of a human egg... it's like, that egg developed with the intention of having some sperm come at it... and yet, not one sperm even got close to it!
*Deep sigh* I feel like I've been super blessed to still be ovulating every month and so, yeah, it's real frustrating to think that even though I'm potentially capable of having a baby I can't get the chance if I don't have a guy to make it with me...
Well, some guy - and I don't know who he might be - is coming my way... I don't know what has to transpire for him to find me, but it must already be in the works... good lord, I have to believe that it is already in the works... I suppose what I need to do more than anything is just quit trying to set a "plan of action" in motion and let the action just come find me exactly when and how it's supposed to... I just gotta quit worrying and know that everything will work out... every thing.
 |
| Even though my ovulation is on Cycle Day 18 both my GP and Chinese acupuncturist think that's okay... they're are both like, as long as your ovulating you're doing okay! |
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Fifty Fact
"Obsessed is just a word the lazy use to describe dedicated." ~ Unknown Author
Interesting (and exciting!) statistic: an incredible 600 births were recorded in 2012 to women ages 50 and older, 15 more deliveries than in 2011, according to the National Center for Health Statistics’ most recent data.
And I can almost guarantee that those numbers have only gone up in 2013 and 2014. Also, keep in mind, most woman are not trying to get pregnant at 50 or older!
Just remember: it ain't over 'til it's over, and - for me - it ain't over...
Interesting (and exciting!) statistic: an incredible 600 births were recorded in 2012 to women ages 50 and older, 15 more deliveries than in 2011, according to the National Center for Health Statistics’ most recent data.
And I can almost guarantee that those numbers have only gone up in 2013 and 2014. Also, keep in mind, most woman are not trying to get pregnant at 50 or older!
Just remember: it ain't over 'til it's over, and - for me - it ain't over...
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Time...
"You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing." ~ Henry Mencken
Wow! Time really does fly! I just realized that it has been a smidgeon over five years since I started this blog; writing my first post and titling it "In the Beginning."
Hmm... five years...
Well, I could dwell on all the dragons I've had to slay over these five years and how I don't know if I'm any closer to collecting the "boon," but why should I? Really? A journey is a journey, right? You start somewhere and you finish somewhere and there's all the story in between... and, as in any journey, you never truly know how everything will turn out... you just continue the journey until you get to the end.
I definitely intend to finish the journey... and don't misunderstand me, I intend to attain the "boon" before I get to the end... I'm simply not at the end yet.
Hmm... five years...
Well, I could dwell on all the dragons I've had to slay over these five years and how I don't know if I'm any closer to collecting the "boon," but why should I? Really? A journey is a journey, right? You start somewhere and you finish somewhere and there's all the story in between... and, as in any journey, you never truly know how everything will turn out... you just continue the journey until you get to the end.
I definitely intend to finish the journey... and don't misunderstand me, I intend to attain the "boon" before I get to the end... I'm simply not at the end yet.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Take Flight
"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway." ~ Mary Kay Ash
There is more to this article than just the headline and I wasn't expecting all the "extra" stuff thrown into it. So when I read the beginning of it I was just thinking I should share the article on my blog and explain why I was sharing it.
First, and believe me, I am not going to be one to judge anyone on how they want to go about pro-creating, just as I would prefer they not judge me, either. On that note, if you have gone the donor sperm bank route to have your child, or know that is the route you want to take, more power to you. I applaud you for knowing exactly what it is you want and taking the steps that will get you that dream!
But, for me, the article explained exactly why I don't want to - am not willing to - go the donor sperm bank route. It's like my worst nightmare come to life. I can't think of anything worse (well, I can, but for the sake of this post and what I'm writing about, let's just say, I can't) then getting together with 20 other woman - that all used the same sperm donor - and having parties, outings and vacations with them and a "gazillion" half-sibling children. Okay, I know I'm over dramatizing the "gazillion" part. And it's perfectly fine if you disagree with me on this one... I totally understand. It's my hangup. Hell, it's the reason I try to have my Christmas shopping done by the first of December... I hate crowds! I hate the traffic around the holidays. I hate all of the mass of people swarming around me... it is a nightmare for me! But, again, that's just me... for whatever reason it's just a part of my "make-up."
The good thing is, I know that about myself. I know my "nightmare" scenarios well enough by now that I am pretty good at avoiding them. Now, does me - being me - make me miss out on things that I otherwise might positively be exposed to? I'm sure it does. But it's a price I'm willing to pay.
I can remember, while growing up, my dad loved to go shopping on Christmas Eve. He absolutely loved being a part of the crowds, it made him feel the excitement and joy of the holiday season around him. He loved the festive feeling of the crowded mall. But like, I ain't him (in a lot of ways but in that way in particular)... I'm a Libra, for crying out loud! lol! I need balance... if you give me crowds then I'm gonna need a lot of solitude (and vice-versa).
Look, I can't say why I tick the way I do, but I have been very upfront throughout writing this blog that I wasn't going to go the anonymous (or even known) donor sperm bank route. I was either going to find a guy to have a child with or wasn't going to be having a child. And yes, of course I want a child desperately, but I guess I just know me well enough to know that I don't want a child from a desperate place (again, this is my thinking! I'm not at all saying it would be yours... I don't think I can stress that enough!).
And maybe I'm being a little (a lot?) hypocritical here (which I abhor!) because I have written a lot about kind of desperate ways I've tried to go about finding the right donor for me. So, I will let you judge me on that... like if that's been hypocritical, or not!
So, yeah, maybe I will pay the ultimate price by deciding what my feelings are on using a donor sperm bank, but I know me, and I know that I have to stick by those views for myself, whatever the outcome may be.
Okay, so now we've gotten that part of the article out of the way, but then the article keeps going - as if on an unstoppable tangent of its own - and I have to make some comments on the rest of the piece.
I'll say, that there is a lot to like and not like in this article. The following paragraph was a definite not-like for me... "But among fertility doctors, 'the worst is the woman who at 43 wants to talk about egg freezing,' says Ross, who agrees with Ringler that ceaseless coverage of aging celebrity moms is to blame. 'We in the medical world know that 99 percent of those women used donor eggs. That's what's not discussed in the story.'"
Really? You're gonna throw that out there? Good grief! Do "they" - these fertility doctors - recognize that we are unique individuals? That not all of us are going to have the same fertility make-up as every other woman out there? Like, take myself, for example, I didn't even start my period until I was 16! Is that the norm for girls starting their menstrual cycle? No, it isn't. That alone makes me different from millions of other woman. And, truthfully, may even account for the fact that my fertility has been as strong as it has at a later age - I simply started the whole thing later to begin with!
And they are quoted as saying, "the worst." Well, thank God I found one doctor in this whole country - at the time - that did not agree that, "the worst is the woman who at 43 wants to talk about egg freezing..." because if he had then I would never have been able - less than two weeks shy of my 46th birthday, no less! - been able to have him retrieve my six mature eggs, two immature eggs and one germinal vesicle cell. THEY ARE MY OWN FROZEN EGGS! Now, what may or may not happen with those eggs as they relate to me actually becoming pregnant and having a child, I leave in God's capable hands, but at least I don't have to look back with any regrets that I didn't get the chance to try!
Can you tell this article got me riled up a bit? Lol, it did! I had to try to skip over all the negative parts (and there were loads of those parts!)! Because, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm trying to make the life I want to live. I'm trying to let the miracles I know surround me; become a part of my make-up. I'm trying to use my creativity to the fullest power and strength that I can imagine.
And, I'm trying - in my own way - to encourage any one of you out there that reads what I have to say: to believe in you, believe in your ability to create, hold tight to being faith-filled that you are on the right journey; that God put some particular desire in your heart, that He might be making you jump through hoops and even slay dragons, but you CAN DO IT! Jump high! Slay those dragons even if they're coming at you like a beginner using an Xbox! Ignore the naysayers. Stay focused on the power of dreaming your own miracles into your life.
Live your life the way you know best to live it! And, most of all, BELIEVE! Believe that you can do it. Believe that no matter how things turn out, you are meant to walk the path you are walking on right now, and walk it all the way to finish line... don't worry about how you placed when you cross the line, only that you crossed the line and finished what you set out to do. Whatever happens, you won!
You will have won because you met the challenge head on; you overcame every single thing thrown at you, every obstacle placed in your path, and sometimes, you even overcame yourself... you quashed those voices in your head that tried to tell you to just give up; to quit already... and you didn't listen to them... and you realized you became stronger than you ever thought... wiser than you ever knew... all because you decided to take the journey in the first place, but more importantly, you stayed on it all the way until you got to the end...
There is more to this article than just the headline and I wasn't expecting all the "extra" stuff thrown into it. So when I read the beginning of it I was just thinking I should share the article on my blog and explain why I was sharing it.
First, and believe me, I am not going to be one to judge anyone on how they want to go about pro-creating, just as I would prefer they not judge me, either. On that note, if you have gone the donor sperm bank route to have your child, or know that is the route you want to take, more power to you. I applaud you for knowing exactly what it is you want and taking the steps that will get you that dream!
But, for me, the article explained exactly why I don't want to - am not willing to - go the donor sperm bank route. It's like my worst nightmare come to life. I can't think of anything worse (well, I can, but for the sake of this post and what I'm writing about, let's just say, I can't) then getting together with 20 other woman - that all used the same sperm donor - and having parties, outings and vacations with them and a "gazillion" half-sibling children. Okay, I know I'm over dramatizing the "gazillion" part. And it's perfectly fine if you disagree with me on this one... I totally understand. It's my hangup. Hell, it's the reason I try to have my Christmas shopping done by the first of December... I hate crowds! I hate the traffic around the holidays. I hate all of the mass of people swarming around me... it is a nightmare for me! But, again, that's just me... for whatever reason it's just a part of my "make-up."
The good thing is, I know that about myself. I know my "nightmare" scenarios well enough by now that I am pretty good at avoiding them. Now, does me - being me - make me miss out on things that I otherwise might positively be exposed to? I'm sure it does. But it's a price I'm willing to pay.
I can remember, while growing up, my dad loved to go shopping on Christmas Eve. He absolutely loved being a part of the crowds, it made him feel the excitement and joy of the holiday season around him. He loved the festive feeling of the crowded mall. But like, I ain't him (in a lot of ways but in that way in particular)... I'm a Libra, for crying out loud! lol! I need balance... if you give me crowds then I'm gonna need a lot of solitude (and vice-versa).
Look, I can't say why I tick the way I do, but I have been very upfront throughout writing this blog that I wasn't going to go the anonymous (or even known) donor sperm bank route. I was either going to find a guy to have a child with or wasn't going to be having a child. And yes, of course I want a child desperately, but I guess I just know me well enough to know that I don't want a child from a desperate place (again, this is my thinking! I'm not at all saying it would be yours... I don't think I can stress that enough!).
And maybe I'm being a little (a lot?) hypocritical here (which I abhor!) because I have written a lot about kind of desperate ways I've tried to go about finding the right donor for me. So, I will let you judge me on that... like if that's been hypocritical, or not!
So, yeah, maybe I will pay the ultimate price by deciding what my feelings are on using a donor sperm bank, but I know me, and I know that I have to stick by those views for myself, whatever the outcome may be.
Okay, so now we've gotten that part of the article out of the way, but then the article keeps going - as if on an unstoppable tangent of its own - and I have to make some comments on the rest of the piece.
I'll say, that there is a lot to like and not like in this article. The following paragraph was a definite not-like for me... "But among fertility doctors, 'the worst is the woman who at 43 wants to talk about egg freezing,' says Ross, who agrees with Ringler that ceaseless coverage of aging celebrity moms is to blame. 'We in the medical world know that 99 percent of those women used donor eggs. That's what's not discussed in the story.'"
Really? You're gonna throw that out there? Good grief! Do "they" - these fertility doctors - recognize that we are unique individuals? That not all of us are going to have the same fertility make-up as every other woman out there? Like, take myself, for example, I didn't even start my period until I was 16! Is that the norm for girls starting their menstrual cycle? No, it isn't. That alone makes me different from millions of other woman. And, truthfully, may even account for the fact that my fertility has been as strong as it has at a later age - I simply started the whole thing later to begin with!
And they are quoted as saying, "the worst." Well, thank God I found one doctor in this whole country - at the time - that did not agree that, "the worst is the woman who at 43 wants to talk about egg freezing..." because if he had then I would never have been able - less than two weeks shy of my 46th birthday, no less! - been able to have him retrieve my six mature eggs, two immature eggs and one germinal vesicle cell. THEY ARE MY OWN FROZEN EGGS! Now, what may or may not happen with those eggs as they relate to me actually becoming pregnant and having a child, I leave in God's capable hands, but at least I don't have to look back with any regrets that I didn't get the chance to try!
Can you tell this article got me riled up a bit? Lol, it did! I had to try to skip over all the negative parts (and there were loads of those parts!)! Because, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm trying to make the life I want to live. I'm trying to let the miracles I know surround me; become a part of my make-up. I'm trying to use my creativity to the fullest power and strength that I can imagine.
And, I'm trying - in my own way - to encourage any one of you out there that reads what I have to say: to believe in you, believe in your ability to create, hold tight to being faith-filled that you are on the right journey; that God put some particular desire in your heart, that He might be making you jump through hoops and even slay dragons, but you CAN DO IT! Jump high! Slay those dragons even if they're coming at you like a beginner using an Xbox! Ignore the naysayers. Stay focused on the power of dreaming your own miracles into your life.
Live your life the way you know best to live it! And, most of all, BELIEVE! Believe that you can do it. Believe that no matter how things turn out, you are meant to walk the path you are walking on right now, and walk it all the way to finish line... don't worry about how you placed when you cross the line, only that you crossed the line and finished what you set out to do. Whatever happens, you won!
You will have won because you met the challenge head on; you overcame every single thing thrown at you, every obstacle placed in your path, and sometimes, you even overcame yourself... you quashed those voices in your head that tried to tell you to just give up; to quit already... and you didn't listen to them... and you realized you became stronger than you ever thought... wiser than you ever knew... all because you decided to take the journey in the first place, but more importantly, you stayed on it all the way until you got to the end...
Friday, January 9, 2015
Te Papa Tongarewa
"Our pathways are all prearrange ,, even before contraception takes place ,, we are all here to learn lessons , earth is our school , its how we as indvidauls how we choose to react & deal wid & learn & grow ,,, its easy to figure out really ,, this is ur path ur jorney ,, & u get to choose ,,all i need to say on this ,, finding the coin was to give u those few lines ,,just writtern ,, put that in ur book or notes ,m, & for those who cant get the message , thay are not ready atm... DONT over think ,, JUST BE & LIVE IN THE MOVMENT ..BECOMES WISDOM
MICALES ARE A STATE OF MIND ,, THEY ARE ALWAYS AROUND US ,, ALL I NEED TO SAY ,,
AMEN !!!!" ~ Hemi – James – Tohunga (a shaman - from New Zealand - who I didn't know (exactly) I was looking for - but, by Fate, found me anyway)
'Te Papa Tongarewa' in the Maori language means "container of treasures." That's the name of the major art museum in Wellington, New Zealand. And I've found, recently, amongst all of my, "New Zealand notes, stories, photos, etc." an image I re-created from a piece of Maori art work that was on display at the museum.
The artwork was just a large image of something closely akin to what I might think of as a "doodle." It was contained in two panels. I liked the simplistic, but somehow both strong and delicate, image. I looked off to the side of the piece where - on a small card - it explained who the artist was and the artist's meaning of the portrayal. I don't recall the name of the artist, but the small sign containing the information told me that it was the Maori symbolism for fertility.
I was not looking for any Maori symbolism while on my trip there, much less to come across two (of about four pieces of Maori art symbols in the entire five story museum), and I thought, at the time, how interesting that I should be confronted, face-to-face, with as big a Maori image as I could imagine, and that it be that of fertility.
And so I, using the museums tour guide booklet, stopped long enough in front of it to draw out - exactly what the Maori symbol for fertility was... and I only just recently re-drew it onto a blank piece of white paper and taped it to the side of my bedside table - the side that only I can see - and I see it now every night as I turn out my light to go to bed, and every morning as I my eyes open to another day, and my mind just automatically thinks - but also knows - it means fertileness; it means fertility...
I'm not at all sure what the bold lines within the symbols mean... it's really unlike anything I would expect of what a fertility symbol might be... but yeah, in Maori culture - according to the art which I re-created in exactness - those two panels, with their symbols, represent fertiliy... and being fertile...
MICALES ARE A STATE OF MIND ,, THEY ARE ALWAYS AROUND US ,, ALL I NEED TO SAY ,,
AMEN !!!!" ~ Hemi – James – Tohunga (a shaman - from New Zealand - who I didn't know (exactly) I was looking for - but, by Fate, found me anyway)
'Te Papa Tongarewa' in the Maori language means "container of treasures." That's the name of the major art museum in Wellington, New Zealand. And I've found, recently, amongst all of my, "New Zealand notes, stories, photos, etc." an image I re-created from a piece of Maori art work that was on display at the museum.
The artwork was just a large image of something closely akin to what I might think of as a "doodle." It was contained in two panels. I liked the simplistic, but somehow both strong and delicate, image. I looked off to the side of the piece where - on a small card - it explained who the artist was and the artist's meaning of the portrayal. I don't recall the name of the artist, but the small sign containing the information told me that it was the Maori symbolism for fertility.
I was not looking for any Maori symbolism while on my trip there, much less to come across two (of about four pieces of Maori art symbols in the entire five story museum), and I thought, at the time, how interesting that I should be confronted, face-to-face, with as big a Maori image as I could imagine, and that it be that of fertility.
And so I, using the museums tour guide booklet, stopped long enough in front of it to draw out - exactly what the Maori symbol for fertility was... and I only just recently re-drew it onto a blank piece of white paper and taped it to the side of my bedside table - the side that only I can see - and I see it now every night as I turn out my light to go to bed, and every morning as I my eyes open to another day, and my mind just automatically thinks - but also knows - it means fertileness; it means fertility...
I'm not at all sure what the bold lines within the symbols mean... it's really unlike anything I would expect of what a fertility symbol might be... but yeah, in Maori culture - according to the art which I re-created in exactness - those two panels, with their symbols, represent fertiliy... and being fertile...
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Great Expectations
"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
~ Mother Teresa
Great expectations? No! My New Year's resolution for 2015 is to have no expectations! I just want to live in the moment... go from one moment to the next... and then... see where I end up... : )
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
~ Mother Teresa
Great expectations? No! My New Year's resolution for 2015 is to have no expectations! I just want to live in the moment... go from one moment to the next... and then... see where I end up... : )
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