My Sister

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
~ Herman Hesse

I have three sisters (as well as, three brothers), two, of the three, of my sisters are married with children. My youngest sister - four years younger than I - like me, has never been married and never had children.

When my youngest sister, N. was in her teen years she used to say she wanted to marry an older man (back then her ideal was Jack Lemon!) and she said she would be happy having step-children. Yeah, she actually had thought things out like that when she was sixteen!

N. was always the kind of girl that was a big "hit" with everybody else's younger kids, and then she was real happy to be able to go home without them. In other words, it was just kind of her nature to be able to handle things - like rambunctious, loud, crazy kids - in small doses, know her limits, and then be able to "duck" out when she reached hers.

She dated a guy for twelve years - between the ages of 22-34 - and everybody was pretty sure that it would one day end in matrimony, but it didn't. And it wasn't just that the long relationship ended, but it ended "badly."

After that - which was my sister's first and only "real" relationship - she dated a few different guys. One time, when she was 42 she met a guy that was 21 - a really good-looking, 6'4 guy from Scotland - and they were together for nearly a year. Most likely it would have ended at some point due to "where" they were in life, but that his "green" card was up definitely expedited the demise of them as a couple. She went to Scotland and stayed with him (and his mom!) for a month after he left the U.S., but she had to get back to her corporate job and he was 21 and ready to explore more of the world.

After that relationship ended she really didn't date much. When she would come home (she lives about six hour's drive from me) I would chat with her about guys; ask her about what was going on with her, tell her what was going on with me. But each year she just seemed to get more negative and more negative about men until I finally just couldn't even talk or share my feelings with her any more. It was like she was trying to "rain on my parade" if I even suggested that I wanted a boyfriend, much less a husband. She made me feel like it was a "losers" mentality for a women to want a man. And of course, I have never talked to this particular sister about wanting a child at my age. She'd poo poo that idea as batshit crazy in a heartbeat!

I just chalked up her negativity to being in a "bad" place emotionally. You know the kind of person who - because things aren't working out how they wanted - just tries to act like none of it matters any way, and instead of wishing you well for your dreams of love, just kinda wants to throw water on them so you they get washed away until you don't have any of them anymore. Like I said, I just started avoiding that topic with her all together.

Now, she's just turned 47 and all of the sudden I hear that for her birthday weekend she traveled - from her city to another city ten hours away - to go see a guy. I've never met the guy but I know who he is because it's one of her friend's close friends. He's been "in the picture" for a long time now, but she had never been "in the picture" with him per se. So when I find out she's going to visit him I'm curious, but not sure what it's about. Then, I find out "through the grapevine" that she's now in a relationship with him.

On the one hand, finding out that she has a new "boyfriend" is great news; I'm happy for her, I want everyone - who wants it -  to know of intimate love. On the other hand, I'm like, WTF? Here I've been being all positive these last several years and I have yet to "get" a boyfriend and she couldn't have been more negative and crappy about finding love - or wanting love! - and she does "get" the boyfriend!

It all kinda just pisses me off! And it's not my sister's situation that's pissing me off, really, it's more the "nature" of how this love "game" seems to work... i.e., you can want, dream, strive, work hard, be goal-oriented and think positively about every freak'n thing in life and that all can help aid you towards achieving success in what you are seeking, but, damn, when it comes to love, you gotta do the complete freak'n opposite thing!

In love, it seems that, you can't dream about it, strive for it, aspire towards it, work at it, envision it, hope for it... most of all, YOU CAN'T WANT IT!!! And not only that, you get rewarded the more jaded you become about it! LOL! I'm just at a loss... I just must be the worst player - IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (and that is a lot of history!)!!! - at playing the "game of love."

I just feel like calling it a day. Like, give up, already. Like, throw in the towel, please. WTH? I'm just shaking my head and wandering around in squares!