The caveat being, that I might not have my dream follow in the order in which I just detailed it, i.e., the husband could come at any time, but the biological clock told me I needed to "get on it" in having the baby. In other words, the order of my dreams could be all jumbled.
I had always said that I would never go the anonymous sperm donor bank route to get pregnant; it might be right for others, but I knew it wasn't right for me. I felt so strongly about that, that if it came down to me not finding (and knowing) the guy that would donate his sperm, then I was resigned to not having the child I had so long dreamed of.
But I just kept pushing on in believing that the right guy would come to me, would offer to get me pregnant, and that I would.
And then I thought I found that guy miraculously in C. It was almost too good to be true... and, as it ended up, it was. C. came and went and nearly took my dreams with him. It wasn't just a frustrating situation, it was an utterly disheartening one.
After my dream of C. being the father of my child fell through, every time I went in for my acupuncture appointment my Chinese doctor would ask me if I had found another guy - as if I could just go to the grocery store and pick him off the shelf - I tried to patiently tell her, it ain't easy to find a guy who wants to offer to be a father of a kid! I'd tell her - in my mind - not to stress me out, and out loud I would say, "I'll find him, don't worry!" Then she'd proceed to stress me out by saying that I needed to find him, as in, like, yesterday! (though she said it a little different than that and with a thick Chinese accent!)
Anyway, time just kept sailing right on by me... until this week.
And this week guess who said he not only would get me pregnant, he really wants to have a baby with me? G.G. my first love... the one that let me get away! Here's a link to remind you about him.
So, I'm feeling ecstatic. G.G. was who I always wanted to have a baby with in the first place!
However, I'm not holding my breath... I learned my lesson with C. that this "game's" rules don't have any rules and until I have - to put it bluntly! - sperm inside me, I'm just going to be going with the flow and know things will unfold (or not!) as they are supposed to. Because, even though I'm wildly hopeful about G.G.'s offer it's not like it doesn't come with a problem to overcome (hey, just another dragon to slay!)
You see, although G.G. is now calling me to talk every few days, as much as he tries to sound normal, I think he's drunk. So, yeah, he could be an alcoholic! And because of his drinking and the fact that's he's also fifty he's not an ideal candidate. However, I think I can overcome those problems if I get him to go to a clinic and freeze his sperm, have them "wash" them - wherein they take out the "least talented" swimmers and keep the champion ones - to inseminate you with. But, I don't think he's going to like going the "artificial" route. I haven't talked to him about all of the logistics yet. We've just discussed having a baby with each other.
I can't believe I have even gotten to the point of writing that last line, "We've just discussed having a baby with each other."
Well, the title of this blog post is not called, Dazed and Confused, for no reason. And the reason is because last night - in the same week that G.G. offered to make a baby with me - another guy, a guy who had been only an acquaintance, until recently becoming a friend - shocked me last night by telling me he thought he was in love with me!
And, somewhere in our conversation after that, I told this guy, J., about me wanting a baby and that my friend, G.G. having just told me he would be my sperm donor because he wants to have a child with me. So, what do you think happens? J. tells me that he wants to have a baby with me!
What?!!!
It's all so cray, cray... within a week's span of time, after over 4 1/2 years of desperately trying, two guys tell me they want to be the father of my child?!!!
But see, there's also the same catch with J. as there is with G.G.; he's older and he drinks too much alcohol. Like, just another dragon, right?
So, my head will be spinning until I can get one of these guys tied down (possibly literally!), or maybe both, and see if "something" can start happening soon!
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath on any of it, but good lord, what a week!!!
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