"You run the show... this is your life, you're in control. You gotta do what feels right in your heart... You don't gotta be great to get started, but you gotta get started to be great!" ~ The Meaning of Life, explained by 3rd Graders
Watch the video with your eyes, but "hear" it with your... heart!
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
Rollercoaster
"Others can stop you temporarily -- you are the only one who can do it permanently." ~ Zig Ziglar
Wow! Just... wow!
If you knew what I have been through in the last week - without even leaving my fucking room (and, yes, I feel the need to use curse words, so pardon me in advance!) - you would be like, how the fuck does this girl get herself into all of these situations? You'd be like, I know she wants to be a published writer, but does all the material for her books have to be non-fiction, as in real-life, true events?
Good grief. I can't even go into to talking about C. because that is a book, in and of itself, that is being written now. I can go into talking about G.G. - my first "true" love, my old flame, who came back into my life riding his white horse and telling me he wanted to make a baby with me - yeah, I can talk about G.G.
I know that a few post back I wrote that I was done holding my breath on any guy. Like, literally, if the Pope (I'm Catholic) promised me, in person, that he would say a prayer for me, I would be like, thanks, but I ain't holding my breath, padre!
So, G.G. has been calling me at least every other day for the past month... and he talks, and talks, and talks, about what's going on his life, and I listen until I'm falling over going to sleep. Though, somewhere in there, before I'm heading to Zzz-land, I get a word in edge-wise asking about the baby we're supposed to be making. And he told me - very straightforwardly - that if he had a baby with me that he wanted to be a part of the child's life. Not on the periphery, but fully involved.
Two things were foremost in his mind. One, he was adopted, and two, he had gotten a girl pregnant some years ago and was not told about it by the mother until the child was three years old. By then the woman was living far away and had given him no opportunities of being involved in his daughter's life, despite his since paying child support, etc.
I understood where G.G. was coming from. I know him. But I also know me. I told him I was not her - this woman that had, in essence, betrayed him. I had honor and integrity and I would never treat him wrongly, as she had done, in relationship to "our" child.
However, because I knew that I would never want to do anything to G.G. that was in any way underhanded and not totally truthful, I admitted that I could see me moving to where he lived - that far, far away place - for the child's birth and through to when he was school age. But then, I told G.G., I didn't know if I would want to stay there. I said, who knows what the future holds, but I would never want to feel like I was "jailed" in. Because, truthfully, as it is right now, my mind can't envision me living in that far, far away place for the rest of my life.
But, I told, G.G., if that's the worst case scenario, I would always make sure that we - the child and/or I would spend as much time where he lived as possible - holidays, summers, etc. Like I said, I was trying to be perfectly honest about my thoughts so that he would never feel like I had "done wrong" by him.
Well, now I just want to say, fuck honesty! What a fucking mistake it feels like to be so fucking honorable! Because - and it's just been like a half hour ago - G.G. comes out and says - and mind you, he's the one that offered to have a child with me, and had the past month to think on his offer! - he can't have a child with me. He explains the situation he has told me of before. I tell him that I can't predict the future I was just telling him my honest thoughts. Nope, he's out, he says (or to that effect!).
I could feel my face just burning red, like I had been out in the harsh, tropical sun for hours without sunscreen or a hat. I wanted to say, "Fuck you, you fucking asshole!" but I just told him, "Thanks for letting me know this now; it will let me move on and continue to look for someone who will help me." I ended our conversation by saying, "Thanks. Love you. Bye." and hung up.
The funny things is - except for that instantaneous reaction of feeling my face burning red - I didn't have any other emotions... no wailing and gnashing of teeth. See, not holding my breath had prepared me for just such an occurrence. I had written something along the lines of, until those sperm are shot up inside me... I wasn't believing nothing. One might say, well, maybe your "negative" attitude had sabotaged what might have happened, but I would just say back, not even!
G.G. doing what he did to me doesn't just hurt because he was my dream, he was who I had always hoped to have a child with, but it hurts because I know I'm back to where I was with him - lost. The only thing is, this time it's my choice to be lost to him. My life is too fucking short to be on a fucking merry-go-round with guys like him. I got my own shit of baggage to deal with, and adding all the shit he has, to mine, would fucking make me drown in a foot of water!
It's better to cut my losses now and know what I'm up against. I might wake in the middle of the night and cry my eyes out over losing G.G. again - and, yes, especially since I thought I was so close to gaining what I had wanted from him for all these many, many years - but right now, in this moment, I'm just like, "Next!" And that, "Next!" probably seems shallow and maybe even a little flakey, but it's not... I got my eyes wide open and, "Next!" is the only option I have. But the thing is, whatever, "Next!" is, well, that's probably what's exactly right anyway!
So bring on, "Next!"
If you knew what I have been through in the last week - without even leaving my fucking room (and, yes, I feel the need to use curse words, so pardon me in advance!) - you would be like, how the fuck does this girl get herself into all of these situations? You'd be like, I know she wants to be a published writer, but does all the material for her books have to be non-fiction, as in real-life, true events?
Good grief. I can't even go into to talking about C. because that is a book, in and of itself, that is being written now. I can go into talking about G.G. - my first "true" love, my old flame, who came back into my life riding his white horse and telling me he wanted to make a baby with me - yeah, I can talk about G.G.
I know that a few post back I wrote that I was done holding my breath on any guy. Like, literally, if the Pope (I'm Catholic) promised me, in person, that he would say a prayer for me, I would be like, thanks, but I ain't holding my breath, padre!
So, G.G. has been calling me at least every other day for the past month... and he talks, and talks, and talks, about what's going on his life, and I listen until I'm falling over going to sleep. Though, somewhere in there, before I'm heading to Zzz-land, I get a word in edge-wise asking about the baby we're supposed to be making. And he told me - very straightforwardly - that if he had a baby with me that he wanted to be a part of the child's life. Not on the periphery, but fully involved.
Two things were foremost in his mind. One, he was adopted, and two, he had gotten a girl pregnant some years ago and was not told about it by the mother until the child was three years old. By then the woman was living far away and had given him no opportunities of being involved in his daughter's life, despite his since paying child support, etc.
I understood where G.G. was coming from. I know him. But I also know me. I told him I was not her - this woman that had, in essence, betrayed him. I had honor and integrity and I would never treat him wrongly, as she had done, in relationship to "our" child.
However, because I knew that I would never want to do anything to G.G. that was in any way underhanded and not totally truthful, I admitted that I could see me moving to where he lived - that far, far away place - for the child's birth and through to when he was school age. But then, I told G.G., I didn't know if I would want to stay there. I said, who knows what the future holds, but I would never want to feel like I was "jailed" in. Because, truthfully, as it is right now, my mind can't envision me living in that far, far away place for the rest of my life.
But, I told, G.G., if that's the worst case scenario, I would always make sure that we - the child and/or I would spend as much time where he lived as possible - holidays, summers, etc. Like I said, I was trying to be perfectly honest about my thoughts so that he would never feel like I had "done wrong" by him.
Well, now I just want to say, fuck honesty! What a fucking mistake it feels like to be so fucking honorable! Because - and it's just been like a half hour ago - G.G. comes out and says - and mind you, he's the one that offered to have a child with me, and had the past month to think on his offer! - he can't have a child with me. He explains the situation he has told me of before. I tell him that I can't predict the future I was just telling him my honest thoughts. Nope, he's out, he says (or to that effect!).
I could feel my face just burning red, like I had been out in the harsh, tropical sun for hours without sunscreen or a hat. I wanted to say, "Fuck you, you fucking asshole!" but I just told him, "Thanks for letting me know this now; it will let me move on and continue to look for someone who will help me." I ended our conversation by saying, "Thanks. Love you. Bye." and hung up.
The funny things is - except for that instantaneous reaction of feeling my face burning red - I didn't have any other emotions... no wailing and gnashing of teeth. See, not holding my breath had prepared me for just such an occurrence. I had written something along the lines of, until those sperm are shot up inside me... I wasn't believing nothing. One might say, well, maybe your "negative" attitude had sabotaged what might have happened, but I would just say back, not even!
G.G. doing what he did to me doesn't just hurt because he was my dream, he was who I had always hoped to have a child with, but it hurts because I know I'm back to where I was with him - lost. The only thing is, this time it's my choice to be lost to him. My life is too fucking short to be on a fucking merry-go-round with guys like him. I got my own shit of baggage to deal with, and adding all the shit he has, to mine, would fucking make me drown in a foot of water!
It's better to cut my losses now and know what I'm up against. I might wake in the middle of the night and cry my eyes out over losing G.G. again - and, yes, especially since I thought I was so close to gaining what I had wanted from him for all these many, many years - but right now, in this moment, I'm just like, "Next!" And that, "Next!" probably seems shallow and maybe even a little flakey, but it's not... I got my eyes wide open and, "Next!" is the only option I have. But the thing is, whatever, "Next!" is, well, that's probably what's exactly right anyway!
So bring on, "Next!"
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