St. Patrick's Day

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it." ~ Alexander Graham Bell

My GP went out of town - unbeknownst to me 😞 - for 10 days! My labs came back last Thursday, March 10th and if I had known she would not be working starting that Friday I would have made arrangements to get her to write and send the clearance letters (hers and MFM) before she left. Anyway, I'm trying to be as chill as possible (meaning: faith-filled about every aspect of what is going on around me in regards to this journey; this dream of my life) so I was like, I could wait for her to get back and to talk to MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) doctor Monday or, because her nurse told me he had sent my lab work to Dr. D (MFM), I could call him. 

I was wavering about what to do. I mean, I wanted to know the test results! There were two important ones I didn't understand the takeaway from reading. And Dr. D. was the gate opener or the gate closer on whether my journey continued or not. But I also don't know the protocol when two doctors are working together (MFM had the test he wanted done and my GP had the test she wanted done and they were all on one requisition!) so I didn't want to step on toes.

So I was just kind of hanging out with my 91 3/4 year old mom and I told her my dilemma and she told me to go ahead and get in touch with him. Which made me ask her, what's your reasoning? And she says, "I don't got one!" I guessed that was about all the wisdom I was gonna get so I just sent the text 😅 And Dr. D replied back. Yay. This was the end part... 

Woot! Woot! I have the "green" light!!! on St. Patrick's Day! ☘️

 

Rated: PG-13

“I didn't leave because

I stopped loving you,

I left because the longer 

I stayed the less I loved myself.” ~ Rupi Kaur 

The love of my former life, G, has called me occasionally and it's  been near a year since I answered. 

I probably wrote of this in a previous blog post, but if I didn't, the quick version is he's an alcoholic - maybe not a drink at 8:00am variety, but more likely after work until passes out in bed kind. After I left the island and moved to the desert - and I moved in the first place because I realized he was never going to marry me... he might talk of it, but, as is said, talk is cheap - he called me occasionally between 1998 and 2001. When 9/11 happened it triggered him to call me ultimately leading to a habit of calling me every few days for the next year and more. But in 2003 G told me the first big - HUGE! - lie after which I expected I'd never talk to him again. But in 2013 something happened that encouraged me to pick up the phone and say hello; check in - with a what and how? - his life was. And from that time on he called me regularly... often I would say. 

But about a year ago - maybe just under - I couldn't handle it anymore. And I stopped answering his calls. I would text him on occasion if I felt like sending him a link to something I thought was interesting that he probably would, too. But I never really even knew if he got the text because he never answered back. And that was fine with me, lol. It's like I finally had the relationship on my terms. It took mere seconds to send a text link and it was still allowing him to know something about my thinking or my feeling. I didn't have to deal with any of his crap!

Then on February 21st he left a voicemail - which is uncommon - and I thought maybe his 94 year old dad died... something big like that, but it wasn't that. He said, "I have cancer." 

And at that point I was like, well, this is someone I have deeply loved; still deeply love, and of course I need to call him back and try to be there for him. So, I did that. And he explained that it was the throat and the symptoms and whatnot and I gave him my thoughts... which, if given to most anyone, would probably seem pretty "out there" and "new agey!" I guess what really sums up my health beliefs basically takes both an Eastern and Western medical approach with *maybe* shamanic and energy type healing thrown in the mix. But it started him calling me more and me answering more. 

And then a week later, on the 28th, I told him - after talking for well over an hour - that I needed to finish filling out my MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) form as I had my appointment the next afternoon. And he said something like, you know that's not going to work. I was tired. I wanted to get off the call prior to that (if I answer a G call I have to have at least an hour free!) and that was my final straw. I said, "I've got to go. Bye." And hung up. 

He tried to call back, but I was done. I texted him, "I'm only dealing with positive energy. I'm not tolerating negativity! And if you want to do that around me, don't bother talking to me. Thanks"

And then the next day I sent a screenshot of the MFM doctor’s text of the links to the supplements he wants me on and my thanking him. And then I added a text to G about how the appointment went. 

Yeah, I was middle-schooling it, but sometimes that's what ya gotta go back to! And I went back to it again days later! But before that he did this... 

Even if I didn't have a good reason not to answer his 21 phone calls  - which I did - I wouldn't have answered. But I felt like he should know why I wasn't answering. So I texted the following to him that evening, March 4th... 

"First off, my mom had a grand mal seizure at 2:00am Thursday that lasted 10 minutes. Fortunately, I was up writing a post for my blog so I heard - over the baby monitor - a gurgling sound coming from her and I called out on the monitor, “Mom!” and she didn’t answer and I immediately knew it was a run to her room situation. And I found my 91 year old mother in a full seizure (in the past her seizures were what I called mini because they were not grand mal and they only lasted 2 minutes)! So it was chaotic and distressing! I was in unfamiliar territory and I could do NOTHING! Anyway, called 911, to ER, got admitted to the hospital about 7:00a Thursday morning and then she had another grand mal at 11:45a! So, I have a full plate because my mom is my life. She is my everything - that’s someone you basically care more about than you even do yourself. If you ever had an everything, you understand. If you haven’t, I’m sorry. 

Second, you’ve never believed in me and you strung me along for 7 fucking years that you would donate your sperm to help me attain MY DREAM!!! You fucking promised me you would do that for me because you supposedly LOVED me. But you lied. And I wasted precious time BELIEVING you! Fuck me for being such a fucking fool; for allowing you to suck the life out of me! I gave you exactly what you wanted and needed: me! And you gave me NOTHING but a LIE! And to make it worse you SCOFFED at my DREAM!!! You acted like I was the fool which only allowed me to know that you didn’t really believe I was intelligent; that I wouldn’t have done my due diligence; that I KNEW what I was doing! So, now you left me having my child with someone that isn’t you! I will love my little guy because he will be my miracle, but he could’ve been yours, too!" 

And on March 5th - *while my mom was still in the hospital - I just scrolled up in my texts to him at the point - July, 2019 so, pre-pandemic - where he really screwed me over! And if I didn't write of it in a previous post the short version is that I had made the appointment for him to deposit his sperm, I had gotten the airfare (for the time he requested) to get to the only clinic within thousands of miles - but just an island hop away for him - and he bailed! And not only did he bail, but he didn't even bother to return my calls. He probably only came back in my picture months later when he needed to suck more life out of me! But it's kind of *interesting* where I basically tell him he should be cursed? I mean, that was definitely heat-of-the-moment. 

The screenshot above is the full version (the top got cut off below); this just allows me to show the text I added to G, for good measure! 

And believe it or not, he probably called 9 times this past Friday into Saturday morning, none of which I answered. Tomorrow he has a big appointment to find out everything (I do hate that it has taken him just over two weeks to even be able to get such an important appointment!) and I will probably text a message wishing him good luck. But that's it. I can't invest anymore time - cancer or no cancer - unless and until he keeps his promise to me. He may not know it, but the ball - to whatever relationship we may or may not have - is in his court. 

*My mom got out of the hospital Saturday evening, March 6th and is doing well.  

Choo Choo!

"In prayer one must hold fast and never let go… if it seems that no one is listening to you, then cry out even louder. If you are driven out of one door, go back in by the other.” ~ St Jeanne de Chantal

Okay, since I last wrote, my clinic told me I needed clearance letters from my General Practice doctor, their psychologist, and a clearance letter from a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) doctor. 

Since I have been going to a Psychiatrist for a pretty long time I asked if she could write a psychological clearance letter instead of using their person and they said, yes, that would be okay. 

So my psychiatrist, who knows everything about my life, and this particular part of it so well, happily wrote the psych clearance and faxed it to them on Friday, February 25th.  

But last Wednesday, on the 23rd - I had a session with my Vedic astrologer to find out if I had any possible window of opportunity since my clinic had reversed their decision on me. And he told me that on March 25th transiting Jupiter would be over my moon and that it was a very supportive time +/- 30 days before and after; and that would be a beautiful time to get the implantation! 

Now, yes, that's jumping ahead a little bit because I obviously have to find out if at least one of my six oocytes (I'm not wanting to thaw my third "straw," the one with the two immature oocytes and the germinal vesicle cell, at this point) comes out of the vitrification process well. And then when that miracle(s) happen, I then need to have the sperm and egg come together to make a healthy embryo. Then when that miracle(s) happen I need to have the implantation take and be successful. And then when that miracle(s) happen, this girl will be having a baby! Because at that point, I will know the 10,000 x 10,000 miracles have happened to perfectly make the one!

But getting back to before all that... I still had to get in to see my GP and then I needed her to make a referral to an MFM doctor and get an appointment to see that person. After my astrology appointment I was like, I need all of this to come together fast - thinking my window of opportunity is small when you have a lot of medical hoops to jump through! - so I immediately called to make an appointment with my GP and it seemed like her nurse wasn't finding any opening and I thought, it could be two or three weeks to get into see her (which is normal)! Then all of the sudden he says, "Can you make it here tomorrow at 3:30 ?" And I was like, absolutely!

So I got into my GP last Thursday, February 24th and she did all the things she would need to clear me - Blood Pressure, BMI, EKG, etc. - and everything was good. My BP was 118/78 and that's what I was most worried about. 

Okay I have to tell a side story as to why I was worried about my blood pressure. It's because when I took my mom and I physically - she had been having telemedicine appointments for the past year - to our neurologist I got my BP taken for the first time in ages. I had always had a really good BP. But when the tech took it it was something like, 160/90! And I was like, holy shit! This is just awful! But then I gave thought to what had happened maybe 20 minutes earlier and was like, well, I don't know, it maybe should be kinda high. 

Because what happened was, my mom was in her wheelchair in the van; I had used the automated switch from the driver's chair to open the double doors. I had also already hoisted the wheelchair lift up before I went around to other side of the vehicle to start to get her out. She says to me, “I feel like I’m moving backwards!” I look at her and the wheelchair is strapped in the same place, I’m like, "You’re fine!" Then, all the sudden, I realize the van is moving backwards - and gaining momentum! - with her in it!!! And I was on the opposite side from any solution! 😱 I had to run around to the drivers side, jump in, and slam on the brake, by which time we were probably 20 feet from hitting the cars parked at the back of the inclined (which I had not noticed earlier) parking lot! I'm lol'n at it now... my 91 year old mom in a wheelchair secured in a van saying, "I feel like I'm moving backwards." And me pretty much ignoring her saying, "You're fine! C'mon, buck up! 😂 So, yeah, I hadn't had my BP taken since then which was why I was worried!

So, at my appointment with my GP she told me she had met - in the last year - a MFM and they had been so in sync medically-minded that they had contributed on writing a couple of research papers together! In essence, she basically had a MFM friend! She told me she had already talked to him about me and she was just waiting to hear back how he wanted to arrange to meet (I think he works remotely for a hospital out of state). 

So Thursday at 7:30p she text me his contact info and lets me know to just text him who I am and he'll call me. I text him at 7:45p and write, "Hi, Dr. D. I hope all is well your way! My name is L. My GP gave me your contact info to reach out to you re: my situation (need for MFM clearance letter). I’ve been a patient of Dr. M's for the past 15 years (my mom has been her patient for probably 25!) and Dr. M has been such a blessing to - both myself and my 91 3/4 year old mom : ) - through thick and thin! She has spoken very highly of you and it sounds like y’all make a great medical match! Just let me know what you would like me to do. I’m anxiously - and excitedly! - looking forward to talking with you! Thank you for being open to working with me! 🙏 

He texted back about 30 minutes later, "Hi L

Well congratulations!

I would like to visit w you.

Are you available sometime in the next week?" 

I was like, for sure! So we went from there. I actually sent him a kind of "checking in" text on Monday around 11:30a to re-establish when we might meet and then I didn't hear back from him! I now feel like I'm on this tight schedule, but I also have to believe and have faith that everything is going to work out for me. My Vedic astrologer made it especially clear that I have to stay positive through every aspect so I just tried to stay in that mind-set. Then at 8:30p I got a text saying, 

"How’s bout 2 pm tomorrow 

zoom?

send me a link on email ______" 

And a second tweet saying, 

"If I send u a template can you fill in as much of your medical history as possible?

Send me your email 

Thanks"

And I replied yes and sent him my email and then his response to that was,

"I sent u the history & physical.

If u could get it back a few hours b4 our visit that will help.

Just do the best u can

Thanks"

So, that's what I did. And I think he also said to text him a half hour before our 2:00p appointment to make sure he was running on time. 

That put me at Tuesday, March 1st. And he ran about an hour and a half late but he texted me and I was open to whenever he could fit me in so it didn't make a difference to me. 

And now I'm basically going to copy and paste what I emailed my psychiatrist after I finished my MFM appointment.

"OMG! I’m so psyched that Dr. D was able to meet today (via FaceTime)!

I was feeling miserable nausea today (I only had soft pretzel last night and that was like at 10:00p and I felt good I tried to even do that much!) - I’ve had a really hard (death level) 5 days! - but I put makeup on like I would if I were going out. Doing that was hard as I had no fuel. 

But because he moved our appointment back an hour I decided I needed to go to Chick-fil-A and get chicken soup for today and more to freeze. And I got a coke and as I was driving back home I was feeling just a little better and it made me remember all the years - 10! - when I used to wake up every morning and dry heave. It sweated and exhausted me. I’d lay down, recover, and then go to work and every day I’d stop at this convenience store and get a fountain Coke and Cheez-It crackers and that was my “comfort food” and then about 2 or so hours after waking up - 10:00/10:30 - my nausea would go away and I’d be good for the rest of the day only to do it all over again the next morning. So I don’t know if it’s the carbonation in the Coke that seems to help me or the sipping, or just the “comfort,” but it helps, at least for awhile. 

Anyway, I got home in plenty of time  - and he was still running a little late - and he texted me asking if I was ready and I was like, yep, thinking he was going to send me the link to Zoom! But a call comes in and I don’t even think I said hello! I’m pretty sure I went straight to, “Aren’t you gonna send me a Zoom link?” And he was like, “I thought you were gonna send me a Zoom link.” And I was, “I don’t have a Zoom account.” And he says, “Well, I don’t know how to use it; someone always sends me a link!” But all I’m think’n is, “I nearly fainted flat out put’n all this makeup on and I wanna be seen!” 😅 I’m like I no want just a phone call! 😏😂 

So he ask me if I have FaceTime and I’m like, yeah. But at the same time - because I never use FaceTime since I literally have no reason… like, no kids or grandkids, or boyfriend or anyone I want to actually see! - I’m thinking, that means I’m gonna have to hold this phone practically over my head the whole time (higher is a better angle 😉) but I’m all like - in it to win it! - so he calls me via FaceTime and I pick up and start hold’n the phone up! At which time I have the thought, can’t I use my laptop to receive a FaceTime call? And he says he doesn’t think so. And I’m literally remembering a time when I somehow did do that with my niece when she was in college! But I don’t say anything because he had already told me that he needs to get me done before hiss wife gets home because she’s get’n tired of him do’n pro-bono work! *smh* And I say, well, I’m plan’n on pay’n you out-of-pocket. And he says no he doesn’t want me to. So at that point I’m like yeah, let’s get done before she gets home! 😃

So, he asks me about past medical history and I just said I’ve had episodes of nausea for 30 years but I don’t have a diagnosis and he just writes that down. And he asks me about surgeries and meds and wants to know why I’m on the Nortriptyline and I told him I had had migraines and I was put on the Nortriptyline and the migraines went away but later got back on because of it maybe helping my nausea. And then I just told him since it’s an anti-depressant I just stayed on because I probably need it for that. 

He gave me a whole regimen of what he wanted to be do for test and supplements be on pre-pregnacy, etc. I think I’ll just forward you that. 

But the best most exciting part is that he said he thought I’d do great! He thought I was smart! 😅 He thought I was beautiful! 🥰 And he said, “You’re 58 but look like your go’n on 28!!!” 🙌🎉😂

OMG! I’m start’n to think really highly of OBGYN’s! 😬 Remember when I went to my new OBGYN - who took over from Dr. L. - and I was extremely nervous going in because I was gonna have to tell this new person that I was 58 try’n to get pregnant, right? - and I walked out of there wish’n my life could be like that OBGYN appointment! 😂

So, yay! If I can bust out get’n Dr. M to get me go’n on all the labs (one is a 24 hour urine catch) and get them in and the results back quickly enough maybe I still get the implantation in that beautiful window of opportunity! 🙏" 

What can I say, it was an awesome appointment!!! And I absolutely loved the fact that he felt like I would do great! I mean, he seemed like he totally believes in me!

He sent the MFM clearance letter - writing dependent on getting all the lab test he wanted done, done - to my GP and cc'd me in on it. And I already knew my GP was holding back her clearance letter until she found out what labs he wanted because she wanted to add her labs to that requisition and not duplicate his. 

Then I got a VM when I woke up today - Wednesday, March 2nd - letting me know the requisition was ready and did I want to pick it up or have them mail it to me, and I was like, pick it up! Like hell yeah! I'm going to pick it up and go to the lab and get it done! But I had two requisitions - one for pre-thyroid and post thyroid - so since I had already take my thyroid medicine I did the post-med blood draw today and will do the pre-med, plus all the other draws on the requisition (I would not doubt if its at least 10 vials of blood! My GP is thorough!), tomorrow - Thursday, March 3rd! And I'm thinking (hoping!) that if I get to the lab early enough that I can still do the 24 hour urine collection and get it back to them early enough on Friday to be sent to wherever that goes! Bottom line, I'm really hoping by next Monday or Tuesday, March 7th or 8th both my GP and MFM clearance letters will be faxed to my clinic. Once they have the clearance letters they can start the whole thaw out, see what they've got to work with, do the genetic testing part, fertilize the egg and then 8-10 days have it grow into an embryo(s) and re-freeze and then I have to have two test they need done to find out how my uterine cavity is and the big one which would be prepare my post-menopausal body to be able to receive and carry the baby to term. But I'm hoping that the clinic will let me at least do the uterine cavity test in that 8-10 day window and then I don't know how long it takes for them to figure out me hormonally. I'm just hoping because I'm not on a cycle, it doesn't have to be a wait until a whole new cycle (like monthly). 

So, yeah, can you believe it? My astrologer told me to absolutely believe it because I have with solid attention and faith been on this journey to get to this moment in time! And I've always said that the story wasn't over; that I'd know when it was over. I'm in the final chapter!

The train has left the station... and I'm on it!!! Choo Choo!