Reminder

I've read a lot of Paulo Coelho's books, especially liking The Alchemist and By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. This post, from his blog, is something I know I need to remember.

Fertile Soil

Well, I've told you about having my reconstructive knee operation. I was supposed to get my stitches out on Wednesday, but they weren't quite healed, so hopefully at the beginning of this week I will get them out and start rehab. It'll be a good three month process, but I've been assured my knee is gonna be like a new one.

I did finally have that breakdown that I alluded might be in the works. Outside of the pain I was physically in from my knee surgery, I think I mentally, emotionally, and spiritually lost it when I had another period - twenty days after I started the one on my 47th birthday which in itself was way earlier than my normal twenty-six day cycle.

In the end you know how it goes, one thought leads down a shadowy trail, the next thought leads down a darker one, until your thoughts have no light left to lead you anywhere you can find you're way out of. I had my pity-pat party - cried my eyes out for all the lack and loss I feel in my life and when I hit the bottom, found my way out by counting my blessings and forging on in faith that it ain't over til it's over.

I'm supposed to be writing this all down. Sometimes I don't want to take the time to do it. But in my heart I know that it is a testimony to something; and I believe, that something, has to do with God, His will for my life, faith (or overcoming a lack thereof), creating, and staying true to the dreams of my soul.

In the end all I really have control over are my thoughts. Thoughts like seeds planted in the soil, need a fertile environment to prosper and, in my mind, there is no better fertile environment than BELIEVING. Rising up from the soil of believing my thoughts can flourish in the direction I lead them, even if that means it may go against the grain of how "nature" usually grows things. There are anomalies in nature all of the time; that is what creation is all about: an anomaly that flourishes becomes what was always supposed to be.

When Life Gives You Lemons....

Hahaha.... This woman is making lemonade. To hell with it all, she seems to be saying, I want the damn wedding!!!

The Spin Cycle

I had my reconstructive knee surgery done eleven days ago. I finally got a shower nine days after the operation. Unlike my younger sister who, as an outdoor adventure travel leader, can seem to go weeks without a shower, to me it was one of the most blessed gifts to be given in a long time and I had two "angels" that helped me accomplish it.

For the fist few days, I was like, this is the: Worst. Pain. Ever. I couldn't do anything without help and what seemed like the sounds of my wailing and gnashing of teeth. Which led me to a thought. Having never had a baby I don't know what it feels like. It seems like so much of what I've heard is that it is the Worst. Pain. Ever. So, I guess when I was in the midst of my pain, trying to offer it up and "spin" it in any positive way I could, I thought: maybe this is just one more preparation for what's ahead for me; maybe the pain is just a training session for the pain that may come with delivering a baby (or babies), who knows? And maybe, I needed this operation done now because I need to be able to run after two year olds and there is no way I could be this laid up for this long with little ones in need of me. Like I said, who knows? I'm thinking like a dreamer thinks. Like a creative visionary - or at least that's how I'm gonna spin it.

Breaking it Down

I feel like I'm close to breakdown mode. I don't want to be too dramatic, I know I'll survive, but I'm in the weeds (if you've ever waited tables at a restaurant or bar you'll know what I mean).

I was visiting my mom's home state for three weeks and did really well for two of them and then took a dive back down into the feel-like-crap pool for the last week. The morning after I got home I had my third test to check and see what's up with my feeling nauseous so often.

The next day I had my pre-op appointment for my reconstructive knee surgery. I haven't even mentioned that up coming event. It's an old injury (snapped ACL, torn MCL and meniscus tear) from my college athletic days. Why am I having it now? First, it should have been done long ago, but your side-lined (0n crutches etc.) with this operation and I never seemed to have the time, second, because I've met my insurance deductible (which is pretty high) because of my illness and I need to get it and a lot of the rehab done before the end of the year. Third, I really didn't think my nausea problem was going to keep going on. My latest test revealed that I'm not digesting food like a normal person would. So the food is just sitting there "festering" (which is how my doctor gingerly put it) which would, she said, make anyone feel nauseous. Anyway, she's put me on a medicine that will (hopefully) help.

Outside of the the nausea, and now the reconstructive knee surgery, I just turned 47, had my period on my birthday and it was three days earlier than normal which put me into a bit of a depression. Ugh! My doctor said for me not to read more into, that my body has been under a great deal of stress and we're going to be trying to get it healed.

I hear the Faith Train coming and I've gotta get on board!