My world had been turned upside down when C. dropped his "bomb" on me, now a month ago. However, I knew that I wasn't going to let it destroy me. I didn't know how I was going to not let it do that - destroy me - just that I wasn't going to let it!
Because, as I have written, I am on the Hero's Journey and on that journey it is inevitable that you will face almost insurmountable obstacles - almost insurmountable - almost, I say, because in the end, you find a way of surmounting them! That's the nature of the journey, finding out if you are worthy of it; if you have the courage needed to continue until you overcome every obstacle in order to attain the boon - that "prize" you sought - that drew you to begin the journey in the first place.
I had said, in that now long ago post, that I knew my journey would have plenty of "dragons" to slay; that one of the biggest and fiercest would be Self Doubt. And, that then, I would have to move on to the children of Self Doubt, Inaction and Fear, knowing that they, too, must also be battled into submission, but that I felt sure that my dream was worthy of the quest.
So, I knew what I was going to be battling - after C. took himself out of the picture - Fear! Fear of everything! Fear coming from everywhere! Fear of not attaining the "boon" when I had already been battling to get it for it so long. So, basically, Fear in all of its manifestations!
But, as I have learned, the only way that I know how to overcome Fear is through Faith - believing that by the grace of God nothing is impossible - but getting to that place of Faith isn't, in and of itself, always that easy to attain either.
So, really, all I had to do was figure out how to get out of the human-thinking place of fear and get to the, God-centered-thinking place, where nothing is to be feared. In that place - the God-centered- thinking place - through Faith, you become fearless! And I knew getting to God's way of thinking would enlighten me as to how to overcome and slay that "dragon," called, Fear.
And so this is what I did:
A week ago from this past Monday I drove to somewhere near ___________, ___ I don't even know exactly where it was! I still haven't looked on a map where in the hell I was (where I was going was in a different state)! I just knew I was taking roads that led to an interstate, getting off the interstate and onto a state highway that would take me to a town, then going farther on one other state highway, which would lead to a county road taking me to my destination!
And my destination wasn't as dramatic, nor, I'm sure, as beautiful as some places I could have decided to go, but still it had it's own beauty (enormous, tall, beautiful trees and trails leading to the ______ and _______ rivers!). My destination was a retreat center. And I was going on what is considered a silent retreat from that Monday through to Thursday.
Yes, it was a Catholic retreat center, but it is considered ecumenical in it's ability to serve. And although I am Catholic and do have a deep connection to that Church, I have not been a "practicing" Catholic. In other words, I haven't been going to mass. But this "journey" wasn't really about religion, or at least that wasn't my reason for going. My reason for going was really for a "me tune-up." I thought I needed one... and I thought the environment of this retreat house and the silence surrounding it would be just about right.
I had never been on a "spiritual" retreat before (or any retreat for that matter!) and I think I just decided (and pretty spur of the moment!) that I needed to get away from everything and get to a quiet place where I could think on... me!
So much of my life in the past few years has been about other people, what their needs are, what I can do for them, how I can help them, etc., that I tend to fill others up and empty myself. I haven't really had people wanting to know what my needs are, what they could do for me, how they could help me, and so sometimes, through no fault but my own, I get left behind, not necessarily literally, but figuratively. But being a nurturer is my nature; it's who I am. It's one of the things I'm good at. And, really, it's one of my greatest passions... to nurture those I love. So, it's not in any way a burden for me to help these various people in my life, it's my pleasure, my joy, but in order to do it I have to make sure I take the time to fill myself up. I know that when I come from a place of fullness within then I have the capacity to be a better me, and thus a better, more able, person to those I love.
So, what did I gain (other than enough mosquitos bites that I scratched the hell out of my legs!) from those four days of silence (although I did have a spiritual director that I would talk to for about an hour or so each morning)? For one thing, I learned that I am being inundated with signs!
I have mentioned enough before that I'm a sign watcher, that I receive signs, or intuitions. Well, on this journey I didn't ask for them and they came at me faster and faster and with more force, with more certainty. And now you may be wondering what my signs were, and what did my signs "tell" me.
I don't think I can explain what my signs were, exactly, because signs are personal, and what I mean by that is, a sign may have meaning for one person, and no such kind of meaning for another. Signs speak a language that can only be interpreted by the one who notices them. However, what I think my signs told me, and they were extremely "loud" and much more "clear," is for me to keep going straight, on the path that I am on, for me to keep dreaming my miracles because they are going to manifest.
And my belief is, that rather than what I was feeling before I went on my "silent" retreat - that things had, if not outright stopped on my dreaming miracles journey, then it was very, very close to a standstill - was that things were actually picking up, so much so, that I was moving closer, ever closer to all of these dreams in my heart coming to fruition - becoming my reality!
Did I feel this logically in any way? Hell, no! I felt like I had less than I had ever had! And yet, my "signs" were "telling" me what I had once felt and written of before, that just because we can't feel the earth spinning and hurtling through space, doesn't mean it isn't... just because it seemed as if everything had been lost to me, that I did feel completely stalled, somewhere, "behind the scenes" movement forward was taking place. How could I know this? I couldn't. I don't. At least that human-thinking part of me could not, and did not, have the feeling of knowing. But I am now, through faith, not thinking as a human does, but as God does. And in God's realm, in His way of thinking, everything is possible... and it is from that place my "signs" were giving me the "message" that positive movement was propelling me forward, ever closer towards the "boon," my "boon."
I don't think I can explain what my signs were, exactly, because signs are personal, and what I mean by that is, a sign may have meaning for one person, and no such kind of meaning for another. Signs speak a language that can only be interpreted by the one who notices them. However, what I think my signs told me, and they were extremely "loud" and much more "clear," is for me to keep going straight, on the path that I am on, for me to keep dreaming my miracles because they are going to manifest.
And my belief is, that rather than what I was feeling before I went on my "silent" retreat - that things had, if not outright stopped on my dreaming miracles journey, then it was very, very close to a standstill - was that things were actually picking up, so much so, that I was moving closer, ever closer to all of these dreams in my heart coming to fruition - becoming my reality!
Did I feel this logically in any way? Hell, no! I felt like I had less than I had ever had! And yet, my "signs" were "telling" me what I had once felt and written of before, that just because we can't feel the earth spinning and hurtling through space, doesn't mean it isn't... just because it seemed as if everything had been lost to me, that I did feel completely stalled, somewhere, "behind the scenes" movement forward was taking place. How could I know this? I couldn't. I don't. At least that human-thinking part of me could not, and did not, have the feeling of knowing. But I am now, through faith, not thinking as a human does, but as God does. And in God's realm, in His way of thinking, everything is possible... and it is from that place my "signs" were giving me the "message" that positive movement was propelling me forward, ever closer towards the "boon," my "boon."
But what more I can tell you is, that going on this silent retreat was not only good for allowing me to come away from it with more surety in the successful outcome of the journey I am on (and I had not gone on the retreat particularly to gain such insight - although I feel excited at that unforeseen outcome!), but it was a good thing for me, also, for the actual reason of my going: I did get filled up.
I think I'm clearer on certain things that I hadn't felt so clear on. I know, that although I live my life allowing myself to come from a place of vulnerability, sometimes a very difficult place to reside - I think it is a really good thing, because it opens me up to more of what the world has to offer - you really, I believe, in the end, need strength to be vulnerable. It's kind of a dichotomy, but I know it to be true. And I think, no, I know, that I am an even stronger me than I was even just a week or so ago. I like that I am stronger. And I like that dichotomy of me... knowing that my vulnerability doesn't come from weakness, but that it comes from my place of strength...
So, you know what? If my world is turned upside down, then I will learn to live upside down, until it is turned right... I adapt and overcome; both prerequisites of the Hero's Journey.
I think I'm clearer on certain things that I hadn't felt so clear on. I know, that although I live my life allowing myself to come from a place of vulnerability, sometimes a very difficult place to reside - I think it is a really good thing, because it opens me up to more of what the world has to offer - you really, I believe, in the end, need strength to be vulnerable. It's kind of a dichotomy, but I know it to be true. And I think, no, I know, that I am an even stronger me than I was even just a week or so ago. I like that I am stronger. And I like that dichotomy of me... knowing that my vulnerability doesn't come from weakness, but that it comes from my place of strength...
So, you know what? If my world is turned upside down, then I will learn to live upside down, until it is turned right... I adapt and overcome; both prerequisites of the Hero's Journey.
