You know, I have to be truthful about something. Dreaming Miracles is a blog about the truth of my life and the road (adventure!) I am on in manifesting my heart's desires. I wish I could skip over this little part of my life, but if I am to be totally honest, I just can't.
In my post titled, Here Today, Gone Tomorrow, written on January 5, 2013, I wrote that if I ever wrote about C. again you could just call me THE BIGGEST FREAK'N IDIOTIC WOMAN THAT EVER LIVED!!!
Well, I have to, as much as I hate to, confess that I did once more get close to C. Don't ask me how it happened. I mean, I can see how it happened, I have the emails that show me, I just can't really explain why it happened. Nevertheless, it did. It lasted for just a week and then the following occurred:
C. said his final goodbye...
*Deep sigh* It is with such mixed emotions that I write about this.
On the one hand, I fell in love and I hadn't had that feeling of diving to such a deep place in over ten years, and this depth was even deeper; it was to depths unknown; a depth I didn't have the capacity to fathom!
I have shared with you much of C.'s and my story, but really only a small sampling. There was so much of the story that I could only keep between he and I, and so you may not understand it when I say that, "we dove to the deepest of depths," you will just have to trust that we did. And so, I know I have lost that "diving" partner and it does feel like a sorrowful loss because, though many people pass in and out of our lives, there are very few that ever really reach into the core of our beings. C. was able to reach into the core of my being. And I felt blessed to have had that mental, spiritual, emotional and physical (yes, even physical!) intimacy with C.
And then there's the other hand, I feel relieved!
I feel like I can breath again. I had put so much of my heart and soul into being "there" for C. and into trying to allow our relationship to flourish, and what I got for it felt like a roller coaster ride. And though I like to ride a roller coaster at an amusement park like, Six Flags, for the thrill it gives, the excitement it incites, I do it very rarely... I'm a thrill-liker, not a thrill-seeker... I'm an even-keeled kind of person.
And so feeling like my relationship with C. was like being on a roller coaster was not a good feeling for me, especially ever since the end of November when his childhood love entered into our relationship. Then, it always felt, in the back of my mind, as if I was either in Limboland, or walking on egg shells, or both. And for whatever reason (and I think I tried!) I couldn't seem to let go of C. I think that's why I often am the one that gets broken up on; the one left brokenhearted (even when I attempt to do the breaking up first!) because I don't give up. I can't let go. I don't quit. It's my nature - to go to the end of something and just let the other person, or event, be the determiner of that end. I don't know if that's good or bad. It's probably both - at times good and at times bad.
But what I do know, is that however difficult the now is - the part where C. has left a hole... in my heart and in my life - it feels like it's probably a better place for me to be. I value myself too much to ever be anyone's second choice and it feels good to be free to be someone else's first.
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