Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains." ~ Anne Frank

Well, my New Year of 2013 has started off pretty damn shitty! But it's my own damn fault! (Sorry for the cursing!) 

I keep allowing myself to make the same mistakes over and over and I can't understand WHY? That last statement isn't exactly true - I do know why. It's because I want to fall in love, be in love, so badly that I just hold on too tightly to that hope and dream. 

As you may surmise, I have broken up with C. AGAIN!!! Just when I thought we couldn't get better, couldn't be closer, he tells me that his childhood love has finally responded to him (after what, a month-and-a-half?!) in the most positive way (after telling her he needed a definite and clear response from her), but as he explained to me. "... there are still some issues to be resolved before I can know FOR SURE whether she and I have a future or not." Give me a frick'n break!

If I EVER write about C. again in this blog please fell free to write something in the comment section to the effect that, I HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST FREAK'N IDIOTIC WOMAN THAT EVER LIVED!!! 

I feel the urge to right him that he deserves someone special, just not someone as special as me! What I wrote him instead in response to his message was:

C., I find it funny of you when you say, "Really, I'm OK.  I hope you are, too." Of course you are okay! You now have your childhood love to look forward to sharing your hopes and dreams with, whereas I am left with the emptiness, the loss, of those hopes and dreams you and I so very recently held in our hearts and minds...and souls...

I'm frustrated, because once again I seem to find myself in the same position as I have before with you. And I can't fathom why this keeps happening to me?!!! Why I keep allowing my heart to be so utterly and completely open to you only to have it broken time and again? Why, through every obstacle you present me with, I seem to stay constant in my belief in "us." But I guess I do know, really. 

The answer is, that for good or bad, it is who I am - an open-hearted romantic with a boundless gift of love and joy to share... and because of that, although there is always a risk, I know that I will always take that leap of faith... because love is a beautiful, hopeful place... the place where I long to live!

L.

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So, yeah, there's got to be another route to my dream of miracles coming true, and believe me, I am more determined than ever to find it!!!