Self-trust

"Self-trust is the first secret of success." 
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, as I noted in my previous post, I got that email from C. saying he missed talking to me. Ugh, I thought, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I missed him terribly and I would give anything to be able to talk with him like we once had, but I was pissed off at him! And why wouldn't I be? I kept thinking, why should I give him the benefit of talking with me? He made his bed and now he must lie in it, right?

But I decided that I would write him back. I would wait a few days and then send him this note.

After I wrote him I got a message from him on Saturday morning asking if we should try to have a conversation and see where it would lead. He asked me if later that afternoon would work for me. I wrote him with the reply of, yes, to conversing.

Then ten minutes later I wrote him back and said, "C., I'm having second thoughts about "talking" with you. I feel like you have avoided responding to any of the emails I sent you re: my heartache. I'm not sure why you can't "talk" about that with me, but I feel like it is hanging over any kind of "easy" conversation I might like to have with you. I'm not sure what to do: I miss you terribly, I want desperately to talk to you, but I still feel hurt and I still feel like I have a dignity for myself that I won't let be compromised. Can you help me? I do want to "be with you" today..." And he replied, "Dear L., Of course, I will help you.  How about no pre-conditions for conversations?  Y., C. "

So, we did end up having our "conversation" which lasted for two hours that afternoon and then again for another hour later in the evening. 

I tried to make him understand my feelings of hurt and I think he wanted to be able to help me, wanted to be able to understand, but I felt like he just didn't. This exchange was the one where I felt he was most callous: "I hope you had understood I was asking you to cut me some slack and let me sort out a difficult situation.  Do you really expect me to tell M., "Sorry, there is someone else in my life now."  If so, I am sorry to disappoint, but I simply could not do that." Well, yeah, I thought, that is exactly what I wanted you to do! 

I mean that was just the worst email of the three hours, the rest of our conversation was worthwhile and fulfilling for me, but that one email stuck with me long after our "chat" with each other ended. And, finally, I think that was the email that made believe that I really needed to cut myself off cold turkey from him. I mean, why should he be allowed to "have his cake and eat it too!"

We didn't "talk" on Sunday because of his schedule and that gave me the time to think more thoroughly about what it was I needed to do. So, yesterday I ended up writing him this email.

I thought it was a good "break up" letter but I am now not so sure that it was, or wasn't. I'm confused, as I did not expect to hear back from C. for sometime... maybe a very long time... I was wrong...

Now, I'm left with thinking I may be the worse break-up-letter-writer EVER!!!

But, who knows, maybe he will write me back telling him that he will now use the example of my one-sided correspondence with him, while he was "away" from me those many months, with his childhood love, so as to allow her the chance of knowing what his true feelings are for her!

At this point, I'm not sure what, if anything, could surprise me anymore... but I have a feeling something will...