If you've read my previous post you know that C., the guy who I was forming the beginnings of an "interesting" relationship with, wrote that he was sorry that he had to go away for the next several months; he was sorry that we weren't able to meet in person before he left, but, you know what, I'm not. I'm not sorry at all that he's gone. I'm actually relieved.
It has nothing to do with my sincere interest in who C. is and what he may have to offer my life, but everything to do with how sick I still am. In the last month I've relapsed back into an almost constant state of nausea. I feel so sick I don't feel like eating and I'm back to loosing the weight I had finally gained back - I've lost thirteen pounds in the past month.
I feel so discouraged and yet I also feel blessed. Ugh... dichotomy... Let me explain: I'm discouraged that my illness is causing me to feel so sick, but I feel blessed that C. is gone for the next several months and in that time I am hopeful that I will have the chance to get better! I have to be healthy if I want to have the baby(s) that are my heart's desire.
It was one thing writing emails to C. while feeling bad, but there is no way that I would have felt good enough to actually meet him. In the state I'm now physically in, I don't feel well enough to be social, lighthearted, and fun; traits I think I have, and hope C. would welcome. It's all I can do right now to just mentally try to function in my day-to-day life.
So, once again, I'm drawn to the belief that is written in Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.*
The timing of C. leaving couldn't have been more perfect.
*I just want to note that I'm not at all well-versed in the bible. Sometimes I feel as if it is by osmosis that fragments of scripture seem to attract my attention. I googled what the thought was that I was trying to convey about the Providence I felt in being given the time to get healed while C. is away; that God works for good in all things.
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