Uh Oh...

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought."

~ Buddha

In the earlier My Turn post, near the end, after writing of my excitement about C. and the possibilities that might exist for us, I wrote, "Surely, as we continue to get to know each other, he, or I, will have to be incompatible in some major area (although of course I'm hoping we aren't!)." Well, as it turns out, we are philosophical opposed in a major area! I must have had some intuition that that might be the case so I never brought it up in our conversation, but eventually, he did. 

So, I suggested that we avoid our philosophical difference until he gets back and we meet in person and have a conversation about it and then see where we end up. He agreed. 

As I have said, I am very confused by our "relationship" and I am trying to maintain my emotions on an even keel - I don't want to be pessimistic that things won't work out for us, but I also feel that I want to temper any optimism that things will work out for us.

The problem is, I feel so close to actually getting somewhere positive on my dreaming miracles journey that it scares me to think that it might not come to fruition; that things beyond my control could take it away from me. 

I know that this is the time where I must slay another dragon. I can't let the dragon of Fear force me off my path! I have to have the faith that things are miraculously coming together for me. That C. has come into my life for a reason and that reason is good. That no matter what happens, even if C. were to do an about-face and change direction on his feelings for me and being my sperm donor that something even better and more miraculous would occur. 

To be faith-filled is my lesson in life; it is my goal to learn my lesson well. Therefore, Faith will slay the dragon of Fear, allowing me to attain the boon - my miracles!

Strings Attached

"Dream your dreams with open eyes and make them come true." ~ T. E. Lawrence

This might be TMI, but since this blog is about me attaining my dream of having children from my own eggs even at the ripe age of 48 and a 1/2, I think it's awesomely relevant! 

I'm on day eight of my cycle and today, for the first time since I was about 38 years old, I noticed that I had clear, slippery, thin and stretchable cervical mucus coming from my vagina! It was that egg white consistency that is what you want when you're trying to get pregnant; it was like a four inch string just hanging there. Again, sorry for all the details, but it feels like just one more sign from God that I am on my way towards a miracle. Time will tell... the dreaming continues...

My Turn

"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities." ~ Janos Arany

Well, as you know C. sent me his photo and I was so happy that he was my "type." But I knew that it was now my turn to send a photo of myself to him. I decided that I would just have to put my faith in God. C. either would, or would not, think I was pretty. There wasn't anything I could do about how he viewed me. It was out of my control. As I mentioned in the earlier post, all I could do was hope and pray that he would see me the same way as I saw him: beautiful on the inside, as well as, beautiful on the outside. 

So, yesterday I finally sent him a photo. It was a self-portrait from about a year or so ago (the photo he sent me was from a couple of years ago so I felt perfectly fine sending him this older shot of me). I don't think I'm very photogenic, but in this photo I actually felt pretty. In my email I told C. that I hoped it didn't disappoint him and that the ball was in now in his court. And as I pressed the send button I said a little prayer that he would find me attractive : )

This is just a small portion, but the best portion, of what he wrote back to me:

Dear L., I am all smiles!  I AM WARMLY, ENTHUSIASTICALLY HAPPY WITH YOU AND YOUR PICTURE.  

So, yay, C. does think I'm pretty! And our "relationship" has gotten even more intense during the past twenty-four hours! Part of me is excited and the other part of me thinks he is building me up to a standard that would be impossible for anyone, much less me, to be able to live up to. He hasn't said it to me, but I feel as if he is falling in love with me!

I want to remind him, I did remind him, that I really want us to stay focused on why we are coming together in the first place, which is for him to be my sperm donor so that I can have the baby(s) I so deeply desire. 

I'm afraid that if we continue to develop some deeper relationship it might, in the end, just jeopardize what my goal is: to have a baby. But it is true my goal is also to find a husband, but a 25 year old? I hardly see that as being viable.

Although, I do have personal experience of a relationship that developed between a 52 year old woman and a 26 year old guy (which never would have happened had I not been living with her at the time and bringing my boyfriend and his friends by to hang out by her pool) who ended up getting married, and as far as I know - now twenty years later - they are still together.* And truthfully, them getting together didn't surprise me, after all, she was so cool I loved hanging out with her so, I thought, why wouldn't this guy love being around her the same way I did? So who knows...

I'm so confused... and my confusion will probably just continue because as it is now, C., won't be back from his military deployment for a few more months! Surely, as we continue to get to know each other, he, or I, will have to be incompatible in some major area (although of course I'm hoping we aren't!) I already know he hates garlic, even the smell of it, and garlic is one of my great loves!!!


*The reason I can only think that they are still together is that I lost track of her about ten years ago. I had, for the second time in six years, moved and because her husband (also in the military) had been transferred numerous times over the years she had moved again too. This was the time before Facebook (and really emailing) was available to so easily keep in touch with people. 

Love Poem

"Absence diminishes small loves, and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Whenever I hear from C. it is beginning to feel as if a much longed for gift has been given me. 

Today just as I sent a message to him I found that I had received a message from him. Unbeknownst to each of us our "conversation" crossed an ocean at exactly the same time.

C. wrote a beautiful poem for me. And no matter which way the winds may blow in our "relationship" I will treasure it for what it is in this moment in time.

Thanks, I Needed That

“Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.” —A Course in Miracles

Here's an article I found fascinating! Hat tip to Sandy Robertson who writes the blog, Infertility-Fertility Over 40

It is always such a gift to find an article that is able to remind me to have faith and that life is full of miracles!

Type

"The more I learn about you, the more amazing that chance, fate, or whatever had a hand in this. It defies all logic." -  C. (written 5/13/12 in an email to me)  

Well, as you know from reading my earlier post, I finally heard from C. He left on his military deployment  two weeks ago today. If you clicked on the link at the bottom of my "Donor?" post you will have had the opportunity to read the history of our email correspondence with each other (well, everything up until C. left. I wrote him four times after he had gone). Somehow C. and I just "clicked" despite the fact that he is twenty-five and he knows that I am in my 40's. 

But as our correspondence became more mentally, spiritually and emotionally intimate, I was getting frustrated because I had yet to see a photo of C. I didn't know what this guy, whom I was becoming more and more "attracted" to, looked like!

Finally, this past Sunday (Mother's Day!) C. sent me an email with a photo attachment, but upon receiving it I couldn't bring myself to open it. I was too nervous that C. wasn't going to be attractive - that he wouldn't be my "type." So, I decided that I would wait until the next day, yesterday, to open the attachment and finally see the photo of C. and find out if his looks were what would ultimately discourage me from continuing to develop our relationship, or not.

Yesterday, I woke up and the first thing that went through my mind is: today is the day I find out what C. looks like. I went into the bathroom splashed water on my face, began brushing my teeth and thought: I can't do it right now; I can't open that photo attachment. I'm too chicken. I'll do it when I get home from work.

Throughout the day I kept thinking I could look at C.'s photo, but I kept resisting opening the attachment because I was too scared that I'd open it and be disappointed by his looks. 

Finally, when I got home from work I was like,  L. you can't keep putting this off; it's not going to change whatever that photo shows, just open it already!

I went to the email, clicked on the attachment, and as it was downloading I put both my hands in front of my eyes, and then I spread my fingers ever so slightly apart and peeked through... I had my first glimpse of C. 

I dropped my hands and fully took in the photo in front of me and... C. COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE MY TYPE!!! He's so cute! He has big, beautiful blues eyes. He's the type of guy who when he  looks at you it would feel as if he was looking into the depths of your soul. I feel so excited! 

But I know that I need to temper my excitement because now I have to send a photo of myself to C. He doesn't know what I look like! Ugh. This is when I just have to continue to put my faith in God. C. either will, or won't, think I'm pretty. I can't do anything about how he views me. It's out of my control. All I can do is hope (and pray!) that he sees me the same as I now see him: beautiful on the inside, as well as, beautiful on the outside. 

Mom's Day

"Face your fears and doubts, and new worlds will open to you.” - Robert Kiyosaki  

Happy Mother's Day to all of you that have children and to all of you that aspire to have them!!! 

I got a gift today that gave me joy... I finally heard from C.! It has been two weeks since he left. He told me he has been extremely busy; often working 18-hour days. 

He also said, "Rest assured, the arrangements we discussed were made before I left _________, so there is a deposit there for you should it come to that.  I'll give you the accession details at a later date; your doctor is the point of contact." That he banked his sperm for me before he left is really amazing and feels like an early "mother's day" gift. 

Now, comes the scary/interesting part... he attached a photo of himself to the email! But I can't muster the courage to open it!!! Can you believe that? I just can't do it; at least not tonight.

I'm worried that he won't be attractive, or just not my "type." And after corresponding with him and feeling that we have some sort of "connection" which, if coupled with a physical attraction on both our parts, could actually lead to something more: the making of babies, I don't want have his looks be the thing that squelchs our relationship. 

OMG, I can't believe how school-girlish I can be, but I guess I am - I can't open that photo attachment! I have been praying to God for the past two weeks, "Please let me be attracted to C. Please let C. be my "type."" Now the moment of truth confronts me... but, like I said, it'll have to be confronting me tomorrow 'cause today I'm too scared to view the photo of him.

P.S. It is kind of ironic that I am excited that he took my advice and banked his sperm (with the idea that I might be able to do an IUI while he is away) and yet I don't even know if he's even attractive enough for me to want to make babies with. Typical me: putting the "cart before the horse."

Working for Good

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you greater than any obstacle. -Christian D. Larson

If you've read my previous post you know that C., the guy who I was forming the beginnings of an "interesting" relationship with, wrote that he was sorry that he had to go away for the next several months; he was sorry that we weren't able to meet in person before he left, but, you know what, I'm not. I'm not sorry at all that he's gone. I'm actually relieved.

It has nothing to do with my sincere interest in who C. is and what he may have to offer my life, but everything to do with how sick I still am. In the last month I've relapsed back into an almost constant state of nausea. I feel so sick I don't feel like eating and I'm back to loosing the weight I had finally gained back  - I've lost thirteen pounds in the past month.

I feel so discouraged and yet I also feel blessed. Ugh... dichotomy... Let me explain: I'm discouraged that my illness is causing me to feel so sick, but I feel blessed that C. is gone for the next several months and in that time I am hopeful that I will have the chance to get better! I have to be healthy if I want to have the baby(s) that are my heart's desire.

It was one thing writing emails to C. while feeling bad, but there is no way that I would have felt good enough to actually meet him. In the state I'm now physically in, I don't feel well enough to be social, lighthearted, and fun; traits I think I have, and hope C. would welcome. It's all I can do right now to just mentally try to function in my day-to-day life.

So, once again, I'm drawn to the belief that is written in Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.*

The timing of C. leaving couldn't have been more perfect.

*I just want to note that I'm not at all well-versed in the bible. Sometimes I feel as if it is by osmosis that fragments of scripture seem to attract my attention. I googled what the thought was that I was trying to convey about the Providence I felt in being given the time to get healed while C. is away; that God works for good in all things. 

Serendipitous Encounters

"I believe in fairytales and

serendipitous encounters...

Leave your fear of love behind

let your dreaming be your guide

If you seek then you shall find..."

- Elisaveta

Somehow, really not sure exactly how, (I think I googled something like, “sperm donor who wants to get only one woman pregnant”) I found a website that helps connect women who want to get pregnant with men who want to help them get pregnant by donating their sperm for free. That in itself is strange, but stranger still to me is, I can’t for the life of me re-find the website. I’ve tried to google umpteen various words in the same vein as what I first googled to get back to the site and a million sites come up, none of which are the website that presently has become a fascinating part of my life. 

Since I had felt at a total stand still on trying to get pregnant, not knowing who to ask, or how to ask, I thought, as I looked over the website, what the hell? So, I posted a little “ad” on the site about me and the kind of guy I’m looking for and within a day I got a response, and within a couple of hours after that first response, several more men responded. 

I’ve had two internet “relationships” in my life in years gone by.

The first was with a guy that was from Australia and happened to cross my path one Friday night at a Happy Hour in my old town. He and his friend and me and my girlfriend ended up going bar-hopping with them for the rest of the night. The guy was a hunk-and-a-half and the whole night I was just wondering, “Is he into me enough to go back to my place and “hang out?” Australian guys - at least the working class kind - are tough to read: they’re like, “G-day, mate, ready for another beer?” and then give you a light punch to your upper arm, which I guess is the closest they can come to saying, “We’ll be having hot and heavy sex later tonight!” 

So, yeah, we had hot and heavy sex that night and then hung out again the next night and did the "delio" all over again. It was heaven. And then he and his mates left; on to the rest of their American adventures. But he and I ended up emailing for over a year and when you email, somehow you tend to build an intimacy that comes on much faster and stronger for two people who really don’t know each other. It’s a false sense of intimacy, but of course I didn’t understand that at the time. 

What I did after a year of getting to “know” my Australian guy and wondering if he could be “the one” is hop on a plane to Sydney to find out. I wasn’t getting any younger (I would soon turn 42) and I felt like, excuse the expression, “shit or get off the pot, L.” I needed to be able to say definitively that he was, or wasn’t, the right guy for me, plus I had always wanted to visit Australia! 

So, I found myself visiting him during the only period I would be able to take a few weeks off from my job - late September - their spring. It didn’t quite mesh with his schedule - he would be out of town (across the country for one of the weeks I was there) - but I didn’t really mind. I figured I’d see him for a few days, then while he was away I’d rent a car and cruise the coast of eastern Australia on my own and get back and have a few more days together.

Within a day or two of arriving and being with him I had my doubts about us being "meant" for each other, but didn’t dwell on it. I took off on my own Australian adventure and nearly forgot all about him! Side note: if you’re single (and at least a little bit young at heart) I recommend Byron Bay! What a fun, laid-back, beautiful, beach town.

Anyway, long story short, I flew, round-trip about 16,000 miles, spent a couple thousand dollars (had a pretty damn good time, even considering the failed relationship aspect of it!), all for the satisfaction of not having regrets. 

The second internet relationship I had was about me taking a chance. I saw a young, really cute newscaster on the local morning t.v. station that I watched as I got ready for work every morning and thought, “What the hell? I’m going to email him, tell him I think he’s hot and find out if he’s single.” Which I did. We emailed back and forth for a month, each email more intimate in nature, we shared photos (he didn’t seem to have a problem that I was older) and finally, a long week after I was ready to jump his bones, we met. It was completely awkward. We knew so much and yet so little about one another. Yep, another internet relationship disaster, but this one much less expensive and much less fun in its adventure. 

So, now here I am once again finding myself emailing back and forth with complete strangers. I should be so aware of the pitfalls; I AM aware of the pitfalls, and yet I’m plunging in the deep end: at least now I know I’m a more experienced swimmer. 

So, here’s three examples of my correspondence with strangers potentially offering to impregnate me!