*Deep Sigh*

"The vision seeker simply had to try again (when he had failed) persisting until he was rewarded, for as the Ojibwa saying had it: 'No man begins to be until he has seen his vision.'" - from the book, Spirit World

Last Sunday afternoon when, out of the clear blue, I got the email from C. telling me that he was intent on renewing and pursuing his relationship with his childhood love I felt like the guy in the movie, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (a great movie which I highly recommend!) who had a condition known as "locked-in" syndrome in which he lived with an almost totally paralyzed body. His mind worked perfectly, but nobody; none of the his doctors, nurses or caretakers knew, and he could only scream out at them in his mind. 

After I read C.'s, "Important" email my body felt like that "locked-in" syndrome - immobile - but my face felt on fire and my mind was screaming inside. Oh, God, what a horrible feeling overcame me. I did feel sick, weak and ill. 

Finally, when I felt like my body could move I went to my room and tried to lie down on my bed, but I couldn't, instead I just sat up on the side of it and continued to scream inside my head until the words started coming out of my mouth and I could hear me repeat over and over, with such strength and determination, "I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'M NOT GIVING UP! Throw whatever on this particular journey You want at me, I AM NOT GIVING UP!"  I began to pace like a caged animal but forcefully kept saying, I WON'T LOSE MY FATIH! I WILL KEEP MY FATIH! I WILL NOT LOSE MY FATIH! 

Then, I quieted down, sat back on the side of my bed and said, inside my mind, "I'm tired of being on the Hero's Journey!"  My mind replied back increduously, "YOU CAN'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE QUEST!!!" and continued, "You can rest. Sit down on the stump of the fallen tree in the middle of the deep, dark forest, but you can not quit in the middle of the quest!"

I was reminded of two very different things. 

First, was the scene and line from the movie, A League of Their Own, about the first female professional baseball league, in which the coach, played by Tom Hanks, stares at the women in their woe-is-me, crying moment and he seems dumbfounded before he looks sharply at them and says, "There's no crying in baseball!" 

And second, Job, from the bible came into my head. As I've said before, I'm not really well versed on the bible, but I knew Job was the guy God tested to see how really strong he was in his faith. I think God let the Devil keep throwing misery, after misery, at Job and I think Job didn't give up. I'm not sure how things turned out with Job, I'll have to read the story, but I was pretty sure Job wouldn't give up his faith no matter how hard the Devil tried to make him do so. 

I felt like Job. I was dug in, I told myself. I might need to rest, but my feet were going to keep leading me down the path of my Dreaming Miracles journey and NOTHING was going to make me quit! NOTHING!!!