*Deep Sigh*

"The vision seeker simply had to try again (when he had failed) persisting until he was rewarded, for as the Ojibwa saying had it: 'No man begins to be until he has seen his vision.'" - from the book, Spirit World

Last Sunday afternoon when, out of the clear blue, I got the email from C. telling me that he was intent on renewing and pursuing his relationship with his childhood love I felt like the guy in the movie, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (a great movie which I highly recommend!) who had a condition known as "locked-in" syndrome in which he lived with an almost totally paralyzed body. His mind worked perfectly, but nobody; none of the his doctors, nurses or caretakers knew, and he could only scream out at them in his mind. 

After I read C.'s, "Important" email my body felt like that "locked-in" syndrome - immobile - but my face felt on fire and my mind was screaming inside. Oh, God, what a horrible feeling overcame me. I did feel sick, weak and ill. 

Finally, when I felt like my body could move I went to my room and tried to lie down on my bed, but I couldn't, instead I just sat up on the side of it and continued to scream inside my head until the words started coming out of my mouth and I could hear me repeat over and over, with such strength and determination, "I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'M NOT GIVING UP! Throw whatever on this particular journey You want at me, I AM NOT GIVING UP!"  I began to pace like a caged animal but forcefully kept saying, I WON'T LOSE MY FATIH! I WILL KEEP MY FATIH! I WILL NOT LOSE MY FATIH! 

Then, I quieted down, sat back on the side of my bed and said, inside my mind, "I'm tired of being on the Hero's Journey!"  My mind replied back increduously, "YOU CAN'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE QUEST!!!" and continued, "You can rest. Sit down on the stump of the fallen tree in the middle of the deep, dark forest, but you can not quit in the middle of the quest!"

I was reminded of two very different things. 

First, was the scene and line from the movie, A League of Their Own, about the first female professional baseball league, in which the coach, played by Tom Hanks, stares at the women in their woe-is-me, crying moment and he seems dumbfounded before he looks sharply at them and says, "There's no crying in baseball!" 

And second, Job, from the bible came into my head. As I've said before, I'm not really well versed on the bible, but I knew Job was the guy God tested to see how really strong he was in his faith. I think God let the Devil keep throwing misery, after misery, at Job and I think Job didn't give up. I'm not sure how things turned out with Job, I'll have to read the story, but I was pretty sure Job wouldn't give up his faith no matter how hard the Devil tried to make him do so. 

I felt like Job. I was dug in, I told myself. I might need to rest, but my feet were going to keep leading me down the path of my Dreaming Miracles journey and NOTHING was going to make me quit! NOTHING!!!

Sunny Day, Stormy Night

"Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not." - Paulo Coelho

I am definitely starting to believe that I have some psychic, or in the same vein, at the very least, intuitive, ability, and that it is becoming more pronounced. Maybe it's because I have been practicing the language of "signs" or maybe it was just there all along and I have only now become more aware of it. I am bringing up this "ability" for a few reasons of which you will shortly understand.

This past Sunday morning was a beautiful, clear, cool day where I live. I slept in late and lounged around even later. I started by reading the book I am now engrossed in, Sarah's Key, and I started crying after reading a passage. I asked myself, "Why are you crying so hard?" and answered, "Because Life is so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. How can that be?" 

I put the book down finally deciding that I had better get up and get going and started by putting on a gentle cycle of laundry to wash the top and pants that I had worn for Thanksgiving Day festivities which had a few spill stains here and there. Yep, my clothes told me I had had a good Turkey Day! 

I hadn't heard from C. since late Wednesday night when he had written a short email wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. He had told me on the Monday before Thanksgiving that he would be occupied with duties through Friday, but I had thought I would hear from him on Saturday and when that didn't happen I was definitely expecting to get a message from him on Sunday, which I did. Yay! 

I have become so used to him and seeing that I have a message in my inbox from him makes my heart beat just a little faster. In his email he told me he had been crazy busy for the last several days, had slept for the past 24 hours, needed to get caught up on logistic work and would look forward to "getting together" with me later in the afternoon. I felt happy. 

Then I went to get my nice clothes out of the wash and hang them to dry and I saw that one of my most favorite tops had a quarter-size bleach stain on it; it was ruined! I was really upset! I'm sure you know the feeling; on the one hand, trying to tell yourself it's only a shirt that's ruined, not a life, and on the other hand, feeling depressed because you don't have that many great tops and you can't afford to be buying more! I was just pissed off. Period. 

But since, as I said, it was such a lovely day, and because of the ruined top I felt like I had all this pent up frustration that I needed to be free of, I thought I would go and sit out on the deck in the bright sunshine and try to chill. 

Then, I thought, "L., you feel good enough today, why don't you try to go take a walk?" Well, I hadn't walked my old two mile route in probably close to a year-and-a-half, maybe even two, because of going through three knee surgeries and the rehab that went with that, and also dealing with feeling so poorly because of my constant bouts of nausea. But Sunday, midday, I did feel good enough, and I really needed to walk off my frustrated energy. 

It felt good to be out. My knee was doing fine even at the fast pace I was trying to force on it. I decided since it was my first attempt really getting at all physical in such a long time that I would just go a mile-and-a-half. I was listening to my iPod, enjoying the fresh air and thinking. 

A lot of my thinking was of C. and how happy I was to hear from him that morning after days of him being absent, and how much I looked forward to the afternoon when we could spend our time "together." And then, out of nowhere, a strange thought came into my mind. I thought, "Maybe you should take a break from C. for a month." I felt, what a weird thing to think! "Why would I want to do that?" I answered back, "What would be the reason for such a thing?" I had the vague feeling that it had something to do with it possibly making C. want me more, appreciate me even more deeply, but I already felt like he was extraordinarily generous in telling me how much he appreciated me as it was. But my mind persisted in making me wonder if it was a good thing that I was always making myself so readily available to him. I mean if he said, "Lets 'chat' at 2PM on Saturday," I was at my computer ready by noon! (Sometimes, our "conversations" would last for hours! We had really been able to spend a lot more time "together" even though his schedule was crazy and he was getting at most four or five hours asleep a night). But, my train of thinking continued to say to me, "Why would you spend any time away from him when you had spent all those months, when he was "gone," yearning for just such a chance to "be" with him as you are getting now?" So, I just chalked the thought up to strange, crazy, weird, not one that made sense, put it out of my mind, and kept on walking.

About a half hour after getting back home I did go out and sit in the sunshine on my deck. It felt glorious. I was still listening to my iPod and the sound of "ding" interrupted the music. I was like Pavlov's dog because that ding meant a message from C. had come in. Now every time I heard that ding my heart naturally started beating at a faster pace in anticipation of his words to me. Ding = faster heartbeat = feelings of falling in love...

In my last post I wrote, "I am still corresponding with C. and we have somehow managed to find our way back to each other. But I am not going to count on him. I did that before and I got hurt. That's not to say I'm going to discount him, just that, "once bitten, twice shy." I will let whatever happens with him happen. I'm not relying on him.." At the time I wasn't exactly sure why I wrote that about him as things between us had really heated up and been strengthened ten-fold. I hadn't really written a post about our burgeoning love for one another because I still felt too cautious, again, "once bitten, twice shy..." but it was definitely happening.

So when I heard that ding and knew it was C. back to spend time with me I felt joy. The subject of his email was, "Important" and I eagerly opened it up to read. 

As I read his email the beautiful day suddenly felt as if it were overcome by night, with dark, stormy clouds blotting out the sun. And as I continued to read it was like a bolt of thunderous lightning had struck me and I felt paralyzed.

This is what his email said. 

Red Light Green Light

"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it." ~ Moliere

Okay, I just had to let out a deep sigh before I started writing because once again it just feels like my life is at a complete standstill and I don't know how to get it moving.  My first thought after just writing that previous line was, "That's just it; maybe you shouldn't be trying to get it moving!" 

*Deep sigh* I don't know what it is I am supposed to do (or not do!).

I am still corresponding with C. and we have somehow managed to find our way back to each other. But I am not going to count on him. I did that before and I got hurt. That's not to say I'm going to discount him, just that, "once bitten, twice shy." I will let whatever happens with him happen. I'm not relying on him.. But then, where does that leave me? Seemingly back  to square one (it seems like maybe it's square one billion by now!). 

H.B. said he hadn't received my "three strikes" email (of course I didn't call it that name to him!) so I guess that will be my next move, to send him that email once again. 

Other than that, I think I am just going to have sit at the red light and wait until it turns green again... 

Period.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

It's day 36 and I finally had my period come. Yay!!! 

I know it came late because of the probability that I ovulated multiple times during the month. And that I felt like I was ovulating on day 20 is most likely what happened because my period tends to start 16 days after I ovulate. 

I'm not going to dwell on why my period was so messed up. I'm just going to keep positive about the things that are within my control and work (it takes work with me!) on my faith that God's will for my life does include a baby in my future. But as always, I will say to Him (as hard as it is to give up what it is I want!), "Thy will be done!"

Upon Further Reflection

"Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something... Find it and keep it lit!" ~ Mary Lou Retton

I've had a little more time to reflect on my previous blog post and two things jumped out at me. 

One, the woman, Antonia Leticia Asti, had done her IVF and frozen her embryos ten years ago, which means she was fifty or fifty-one when she had gone through that process! 

Second, her doctor, Orlando de Castro Neto, is the kind of doctor ALL older woman trying to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby/babies need to have. I LOVED it when he said of the new, older mother, Antonia, "She is an example to be followed and the personification of perseverance," he added, "She did something that most people can't manage," and concluded with this bit of wisdom, "The hardest things in life are the most gratifying." 

Amen!

Perseverance!

"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. " ~ Unknown

Nothing like getting a shot of hope when you start feeling a little hopeless!

32

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about." ~ Unknown

Today is day 32 and I still haven't had my period. I know that within the last four years I've had my period come on day 31, but I don't ever recall it being as late as day 32. 

Every ounce of me wants to feel anxiety and freak-the-hell-out! But every time I get that feeling of stress; of doubt, I just have to remind myself: FAITH! And after I remind myself to keep the faith of mustard seed, I say to God, "Thy will be done." 

What more can I do than to believe that God's will for my life is perfect; that His plan for me on this Dreaming Miracles journey is to show me how perfect plays out! 

I knew the past month's cycle was a strange one. First, I did an ovulation test stick on day seven and it came up positive. I didn't feel any symptoms but I usually find that those happen two days after I get the positive sign that I'm ovulating. The symptoms that I feel are usually just a slight achiness in my ovary area (most often on my right side). I was going to do the test on day eight just to double-check the result of the day before but my ovulation stick didn't work so I couldn't find out. Then on day eleven I actually did feel my right ovary area become achy and so I was sure I was ovulating, but then the same thing happened again on day sixteen, and again on day twenty! 

I had told my doctor about the ovulation pattern I was experiencing up to the day sixteen mark (I didn't have an appointment with her to let her know of the day twenty achiness) and she said that older woman often ovulate more than once during the month, which is why twins often result.

So, at that point I was still feeling okay. I was still thinking my period would be later than its "normal" twenty-six day cycle but that it would come. Now, I'm just *deep sigh* hoping that I do have a period and that next month I get back to some normalcy. 

It is so frustrating when you want something so badly you can taste it, smell it, feel it, and yet it's not real enough for you to touch it!

All I can do is keep doing the things that are within my control; having faith and being positive the highest priority on that list. 

Dreaming Miracles is a journey of faith and, trust me, my faith isn't going to fail me now : )

I C.

"The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."
~ Helen Keller

Well, I did hear back from C. 

In one of my last post, I linked to my response to C.s explanation of why he had had a change of heart on being my sperm donor. In that response I had "called him out" on many of the major things he had said to me which led me to believe in him; to feel confident in his truth to me.

I did write to him and email in between the "it wasn't pretty" email and in that one I really just explained my trying to come to terms with the hurt I felt because of his reversal of thought.

And truthfully, he did a much better job of explaining what is was that made him change from being so excited about making a baby with me to the opposite - not wanting to make a baby with me. I was really thankful for that because I knew that it would help me find the closure that I needed with him.

I am going to do what I have been doing and just let you in on how things went by letting you read our email exchanges. It will just give you more insight on my life and how it is going; what I am thinking and what I am feeling.

So, if you are interested here are the latest email exchanges that C. and I have had.