Cheating

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost 

I cheated.

I lasted barely three days in my complete self-imposed internet exile. But I have to say that even in such a short time being "off" the internet I felt a mental relief re: C (and I started reading a novel - something quite novel!). I did get the sense of space and peace that I had much needed.

However, yesterday, Sunday, in the afternoon I got such a strong urge of wanting to know if C. had emailed me that I broke down, turned on my computer, went to my Yahoo! account and signed in. When the mail page opened up, my eye immediately (and with hope!) turned to the upper right hand corner where there is an icon of an envelope and the word, in all caps, reading, MAIL. Underneath that heading read: No new mail. 

I had prepared my mind that not getting any mail from C. was not the end-of-the-world, that things could still be fine, but even with my supposed new-found mental toughness, my heart began to sink. 

But it was just in that instant, where my mind was in the space of registering a sinking feeling, but not yet having hit bottom, that a red icon with the number 2 popped up on my screen and I read, "You have 2 unread messages." No one but C. writes me at that Yahoo! account so I knew that both messages were from him. And just as fast a my heart had begun its' descent downward, it now began to rise up with happiness and hope. 

This is what C. had to say and what I said back to him.

Quitting

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way." - Viktor Frankl

I'm quitting!

No, not my Dreaming Miracles journey, just the internet, and only for a couple of weeks. Which means I won't be updating my blog until about  July 2 or so.  

You see the problem is, every time I get on my computer I want to check if there has been any new email from C. and because there hasn't been I just get frustrated and disappointed. So, my thinking is, if I don't get on the internet, then I won't be checking to see if I have an email from C. I just need to let go of him. I need some space; I want some peace. 

I do believe that I will hear from C. again, but because I have no idea when that might be, whether it will be within two weeks or two months, it'll be good for me to be free of any expectations, at least for a couple of weeks. 

Of course once my self-imposed internet access denial is over, the first thing I will do is check to see if C. has written me, but by then I am hoping that my hopes of hearing from him will be more tempered, resulting in feeling less hurt should there be nothing new to report.

As I said, I am not quitting the "quest" of my Dreaming Miracles journey. I am more faith-filled than ever that all my dreams will be realized. I feel as if the Universe does have a plan for me and all I have to do is continue to believe that my souls longing; my dreams, are attainable and not only attainable, but almost within my reach. 

My motto is: if not this, then something better! As I wrote in my, “Uh Oh...” post, "That no matter what happens, even if C. were to do an about-face and change direction on his feelings for me and being my sperm donor that something even better and more miraculous would occur."

Something miraculous will occur. When it will occur is my only question.

Here is one last email I had sent to C. before my exile from the internet.

Yesterday

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

Yesterday was filled with the same hope and happiness that I have been experiencing for the past two months - ever since C. had come into my life - I didn't expect my day to end any differently than it had begun.

But it did - end differently. 

In one mere moment, from just before I opened the email C. sent me, when I had that feeling of hopeful joy that you experience when you are a little kid about to walk around the corner to see the Christmas tree and all of the wonderful gifts that Santa has brought you, to the moment after reading his message, when my hope-filled happiness turned to that feeling of helpless, sadness that comes with the cruel news that someone dear to you has died. 

After I read the email that C. had written all I can remember saying, over and over, is, "I am not giving up!" I said it to the Devil, aggressively and determinedly, "I am not giving up!" I said it to God, forcefully and assuredly, "I am not giving up!" And I said it to myself, loudly and clearly, "I AM NOT GIVING UP!"

I'd be lying if I said I was anything other than confused, disheartened, and profusely sad at this time. I'm not sure how I pick myself up from this ash heap of sorrow, but I will find a way because, "I am not giving up!"

Dreaming Miracles has been an amazing journey for me. And although I can not say how I go on from here, where I turn, who I turn to, my story is not over. I have repeatedly said that I will know when I have come to the end and I know I am not even close to being there yet.

As I wrote from the start, I was created by the Creator to create anew. Because I am created in the image of God I too have the power to manifest my desire from nothing but the pureness of my intention. 

God, as the bible tells us, didn't create the heavens and earth and all the "the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground," in one day, it took Him, what, six days? Six days, and that was God! 

What I am trying to say, is that even for God manifesting His desire didn't happen in the blink of an eye, it took time. I'm just a simple ol' human being with the same desire to create something from nothing that God held in his heart. It might take me more time to do it, but it doesn't mean it can't be done.

I said my Dreaming Miracles journey has been an amazing one for me and really I think it has because I am learning things about myself that I didn't know: that I am faith-filled, that I am mentally strong, that when I decide that I truly want something I have courage and forbearance to persevere  in the face of whatever dragon is put in my path! That I am not going to give up believing that my dreams will come true.

It is easy to believe in something you see, but the test of faith - which I believe is the great lesson that I am to learn in this life - is to believe without the benefit of seeing. 

And as Proverbs 17:3 says, "Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the LORD tests the heart." My heart is being tested. But I believe that God is testing my heart for a purpose that is beyond my understanding NOW, but that in the end will be revealed to be for a positive result.

The role of faith in achieving great (miraculous!) things is explained well here:

"Examples of faith. Hebrews chapter 11 is known as the “faith chapter” because in it great deeds of faith are described. By faith Abel offered a pleasing sacrifice to the Lord (v. 4); by faith Noah prepared the ark in a time when rain was unknown (v. 7); by faith Abraham left his home and obeyed God’s command to go he knew not where, then willingly offered up his only son (vv. 8-10, 17); by faith Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt (vv. 23-29); by faith Rahab received the spies of Israel and saved her life (v. 31). Many more heroes of the faith are mentioned “who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength*; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies” (vv. 33-34). Clearly, the existence of faith is demonstrated by action."

I am a simple person filled up with Faith. Through Faith, although I do sometimes feel beaten down on my journey, I also begin to feel reinvigorated. I am ready to slay the dragons and overcome any other impediments that come before me. 

This is MY quest; the desire to succeed has been forged in fire. Just as a hammer and high heat are used to forge instruments of iron, God uses trials to develop genuine faith and strength of character in us.

It is my belief that Dreaming Miracles will, in the end, be a testament to God's development of my strength and character. And from that development my dreams, my miracles, will be the fulfillment of His longing, His desire for my life. 

*my highlight

From a Place of Disappointment

"Never, never, never give up."

Winston Churchill

I got an email today from C. 

When I saw that I had a message in my inbox I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. I had last heard from him June 7th, and although that doesn't seem like such a long time in ordinary circumstances, my heart wasn't going through ordinary circumstances.

The email I received from C. wasn't the one I expected, or the one I had hoped for.

Here his the email to me and my response back.

I'll have to let things be as they are for right now and then I will write my thoughts about it all here when I feel like I've had more time to understand what those thoughts really are.

The Long Hello

"Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them."

~ John Updike

Well, as you know from my previous post, C. is on his way back here, but he was going to be routed through two different countries and would be working his way home. 

As he wrote: 

schedule past weekend

FROM: C.

TO: L.

Monday, June 4, 2012 10:14 PM

DOD LINK

L., YES, YES, I'm scheduled to depart Saturday or Sunday, flying to _______, remaining there for several days after June 11, arriving _______ June 14.  Uncertain exactly how long in ________, but probably departing about June 22, staying over in DC for a couple of days, June 25-26, ETA_________*about June 28/29.  What's your schedule like for the days following?  If you can break free I'll take some leave for several days if that would be desired.  :-) 

Yrs, C. 

*the town where we both live

He later wrote:

Wednesday

     

From: C

To: L 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012 9:50 AM

DOD LINK

L., I need to caution you that the travel schedule I gave you a couple of days ago is very tentative and subject to slippage ... so it is not to be counted on with any degree of finality.  Second, the telephone system in_______ is like a tinker-toy hook-up, subject to long service delays and I'm not sure that there is any system for emails like we have been using ... I may not be able to communicate while I am there.  If you don't get any messages from me please do not worry ... it is just the absence of a system.  Just remember the prize at the end.  :-)  

Yrs, C.

On Thursday, June 7th he wrote, "L., I'm detached from _______early Friday morning, and will be in ________ by tomorrow night.  From here on it gets more difficult for us to communicate." Later he said, "I hate to break this contact because I know how frustrating it will be for that time when I cannot sit down and pour out my thoughts to you.  Please keep your messages flowing; they will keep me focused on you."

So, it has now been a week since I last heard from C. and even though he warned me that I would most likely not be hearing from him I think that my head must have been in the clouds because I DID  think that I would here from him by now! Ugh. 

When you've been waiting so long for something and it seems so close, but just out of reach, a week is beginning to feel like a month and the end of June feels like it might as well be next year! 

I know that C. is "out there" somewhere, but wherever it is, he feels very far away. 

Now all I can do is wait and keep faith that a personal "hello" is on its way sooner than later...

Coming Home

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. " - Henry David Thoreau

C. is coming home!!! Although it will still probably be closer to three weeks before he actually arrives : (

He is on temporary active duty and the government has use for his services in a few other countries and thus has routed his travels to those places before he is released from his orders. He will eventually get to DC and then from there, here!

I had mentioned that C. was an Intelligence Specialist in the military and I have further found out that he speaks at least three languages; German, Russian and French. The more I find out about him the more I become interested in him. He is intriguing to me, and now, sooner, rather than later, I will be able to actually spend time with him in person and see if he holds my interest!

Of course, in the sense of purely being my sperm donor, I don't have to feel such a deep connection to him, but it is a blessing that I do! My children will know that I admired and had a meaningful bond with their father!

If it should be of interest to you here is a small sampling of some of my more recent correspondence with C. over the past several weeks.

C.

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do."

~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

C. has been gone since the first of May but we have continued to correspond with one another via email almost daily. And I know that I am becoming even more and more intrigued by him. He is definitely on board as being my sperm donor so it is just a matter of when he gets back here and we can start working on achieving my deep-seated, long-held dream of having a baby!!!

I can't believe that things are happening as they are. I should be believing it though, as the title of my blog is, after all, Dreaming Miracles, so why shouldn't my dreams of miracles be coming true!!! 

Of course I can't know how things will turn out, but that the wheels of this faith engine are churning forward as fast and as beautifully as they are is amazing; astonishing really! I can only believe that God has put C. into my life for the purpose that something wonderful will come from it!

And then to add to it all, is the fact that C. and I have become so interested and fond of each other that we are now completely open to seeing if our relationship will develop into anything more lasting! Our bond has seemingly become quite strong. Again, only time will tell, but as it is, I can only feel positive, hopeful and optimistic about our friendship whether or not it does develop beyond what is our primary goal: getting me pregnant and delivering a healthy baby (or babies!). 

And now, deep sigh, I feel like I need to temper my enthusiasm, as until C. and I do finally meet, nothing is yet written in stone. And good lord, what will finally meeting him be like? That is definitely a story for a future post.