Onward

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

~ Henry David Thoreau

Well, I did “it.” Or at least some part of “it.” My mom and I will travel back to my sister’s home today (which we were planning to do anyway). I’ll stay there Wednesday and then hop a plane to my old stomping grounds (the place I lived before I moved back to my hometown to stay with my mom) on Thursday.

It went from, I need to finally make that call to K.M. to find out what the what is, to, I need to have “this” happen in person. I need to check things out with my eyes.

Actually, fate’s a funny thing. I wasn’t planning at all to fly to my old town. I was planning on going out on the town with a good friend in the big city on Friday night to celebrate my birthday, which is Saturday. Unfortunately, we got our wires crossed and she already had a commitment that night. So, then, I’m thinking how can I have any fun in the suburbs? Suburbs and fun, isn’t that an anomaly when your single, without kids? I mean, don’t I need at least one night out on the town in this month-long trip with my mother, for crying out loud? I thought, yes, I do! Then, from that, I began to think that maybe this would be the perfect time for me to go to my old town. I do have some business that needs taken care of. Yes, I could do it over the phone and internet, but I’d probably get better, faster results if I could be there in person.

And the thing is, before all this came about I did finally make that call to K.M. Whoa, can I just say how strange it was to talk with someone you broke off all communication with seven years ago. Yeah, strange is the right word. I can’t even begin to get into exactly what he said (I promise I will sometime, just not yet!). Suffice it to say, he was thrilled, thrilled, that I was calling him from out of the blue. He said so. He said it made his year, or something like that. But after talking with him I just realized there is no way in hell I can get to where I need to be with "this” decision without seeing and talking with him in person. I gotta find out how whacked out he is!

Truthfully, I can’t really imagine how it could work, but I guess I’m still just trying to follow through on all of my “inklings” (and unfortunately I don’t have nearly enough of them). Like I’ve always said, this is my story, I think I’m somewhere in the middle of it, and K.M. is definitely a part of the journey. I’m going to do as my grandmother often said to do, “Just keep on keep’n on!”

I’ll only be there two nights and I’m definitely not planning on “being” with K.M. See him, talk to him, yes, “be” with him, no. I’ll be trying to see as many friends as I can in the short time I’m there and I’m looking forward to spending my birthday eve with a good girlfriend sipping martinis.

But the fact is: I have an interview with my first potential sperm donor, although he doesn’t know it now, and he may not know it even after I’m done with the interview process! Onward I go...

Tripping

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

So far my trip is going well. I did get together with my high school friend and went to a Major League baseball game. We even made it on the jumbo tron (the huge video screens that are situated high, above the scoreboards). My friend’s eleven year old daughter wanted to be on it and I told her that when the music came on during the inning changes she had to get up and dance. She said there was nooooooo waaaaayyyyy she was gonna do that! Well, around the bottom of the eighth inning an Irish jig kinda song came on and the Irish in me wasn’t about to let a good jig pass me by. So, up I stand, and within the tiny parameters of my seat area, I commence to do a jig this way and jig that way, with an up here and a down there. Within minutes (and thank God because dancing an Irish jig is exhausting!) my friend’s daughter yells, “L, we’re on the big screen! We’re on the big screen!” And sure enough I turn to the screen and there I am, as huge as can be, dancing a jig that I’m sure put a sparkle in my Irish grandmother’s eye as she danced along with me in that Big Irish Pub in the sky. It was a perfect ending to a gorgeous and fun-filled day.

My next big adventure was going to an NFL game. My sister’s neighbors not only have season tickets, but a place right next to the stadium to berth their big motor home. They’ve got tailgating down to a science so catching a ride to the game with them is like having the cake with a cherry on top. Just the pre-game, people watching while drinking ice-cold beers was worth it; actually getting in to watch the game was a bonus on top of a bonus. I needed a chiropractor after the game due to whiplash - there were so many guys to look at I could barely keep my head attached to my body!

Presently, I’ve left the big city behind and am staying at my mom’s property. My sister traveled with us and spent the first five days here and then left to go back to her family. She and I road inner-tubes down a river and had more excitement than we wished for, but it left us with a story we will be able to reminisce about long into our old age!

Now, it’s just my mom and I taking it easy for the next week, enjoying relaxing warm days and cool nights.

In other news, my period came. It was early. On the one hand, I have to be positive and feel blessed that it has come, on the other hand, it feels discouraging when it comes before it should.

I am determined to call K. M. in the next day or two to ask him about being my sperm donor. I can’t keep putting it off. I need to know, one way or the other, if he is willing and capable. Talk about getting out of my comfort zone...

C'est la vie

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. "

~ Cadet Maxim

Well, V.T. (Virgin Taker) never did message me back after I wrote him on Facebook. I definitely was bummed. At the very least I thought he’d say, “Hi, how are you?” I guess you always remember, in great detail, the guy who took your virginity, and you put him on some kind of pedestal as being something greater than he is (I mean, why would you let him have your virginity if you didn’t think he was “all that”) but the guy who took your virginity isn’t having the same momentous experience (after all, you’re a virgin, you barely know what to do, much less how to do it momentously) to remember you. So, c'est la vie. I will still give myself bonus points for messaging him in the first place. Any time I can do something out of my comfort zone is a win for me and can only be helping me on the journey of my dreams.

UPDATE: It took awhile but Virgin Taker and I did end up becoming friends on Facebook.

Same Time, Same Place... Different Year

I'm leavin' on a jet plane don't know when I'll be back again... - John Denver

Well, it's that time of year when I take my mom back to her home state for vacation. My oldest sister also lives there so the plan is to stay with her and her family for a week and then travel to the small property my mom owns for about two weeks and get back to my sisters for the final week. The first week at my mom's place my sister will tag along and that will be a highlight for me: to have her to myself, away from her husband and two teenage kids.

The whole trip will be a nice change of pace for me. As I'm thinking about that, I am reminded that I have not spent one single day or night away from my mom since July of last year! It's not that I wouldn't love to have been able to get away, but for so long with my illness I couldn't do much of anything interesting.

I'm feeling better now, though not normal. I guess I'm at 75% on good days and much less on days when I really feel bad. It all seems so hit or miss as to when/why I feel bad. I am continuing to try different med combos trying to have more better days than not.

On this trip I'm super-psyched because my uncle is giving me one of his season-ticket-holder seats to an NFL football home opener. I'll get to do some serious tailgating. And just the thought of being in a big city, at a stadium, drinking cold beer, surrounded by a ton of guys watching other guys crack heads. Woot! Woot! I can't wait : )

I'll also probably get together with one of my high school friends (the one I mentioned in my reunion post whom I hadn't seen or spoken to in thirty years) who lives there as well. We may hit up a Major League baseball game with her two kids which will be another fun day for me.

I quit eHarmony when my six month subscription was up (I really didn't have much success - nobody that I was attracted to physically for starters. I did correspond with a thirty-four year old guy that was kinda cute who seemed nice. He didn't have any problem with our age difference and I didn't either but I just kinda let it fritter away. He scared me off when he said he wanted to call me on the phone. I'm so good at back and forth bantering in writing I kinda froze up at the idea of what would I actually have to talk about in a call - just call me lame- but I think if I had been really attracted to him I would have jumped right in anwyay so...). But you may remember the tall guy who contacted on eHarmony from a previous post and he lives near the city I'm visiting. I did write him that if he was still interested in getting together to send me his email address, which he did. Now it's just a matter of if I feel like meeting him. I guess right now I don't have much going on so I probably should meet him, right? Gotta get up the courage on that one.

So, like I said, getting out of Dodge (even with my mom in tow) is going to be fun times for me and will be good mentally for her too. Right now, the possibilities of "there" seem better than the possibilities of "here."

I'll keep you posted.

Heartbeat

"Do one thing every day that scares you." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

My heart feels like it is beating out of my chest right now.

I checked Facebook tonight and saw in my newsfeed where a guy, THE GUY, I lost my virginity to twenty years ago (yeah, do the math, that's a story for another post!) became "friends" with a guy whom I randomly met at Mardi Gras* in 1988.

I met the Virgin-taker* in 1991 just as he was about to leave my town on his way to get his M.B.A. When he told me the name of the school, I was like, really, are you kidding? I told him that Mardi Gras guy, who by this time had been living and working in Japan, was coming back to the U.S. to get his M.B.A. at the same school. Virgin-taker looked on his class list and sure enough Mardi Gras name was on it. I had kept in touch with Mardi Gras for three years back in the snail-mail days. I told Virgin-taker he had to look him up when he got to the school, he did, and the next thing I know they became fast friends. That was eighteen years ago! I then lost touch with both of them.

About five years ago I googled Mardi Gras guy and saw that he had an email address so I sent him a message. I found out what he was doing - super-duper successful - and then asked him if he kept in touch with Virgin-taker, he said he didn't.

I was bummed. I really wanted to know what ever happened to Virgin-taker. Even though I was old for being a virgin, I was so young mentally, just really naive for my age (I've always been a late bloomer). I'm not sure I had one interesting thought to say back in those days, whereas now, having lived life and come (somewhat) out of my shell, I feel confident that I'm interesting; that I have interesting things to talk about, etc.

A year ago, I got a Facebook friend request from Mardi Gras (guess my email address came up in his contacts list) and of course I accepted.

Stalker that I am, over the years I had tried to find Virgin-taker without much luck - he went by his middle name when I knew him and I couldn't remember what his first name was. Fast forward a few months ago and I finally was able to locate him on Facebook. I stalkishly checked out his FB page, but never "friended" him. I just didn't have it in me. I mean we were never more than a few months sex partners. But I *really* wished that somehow he would end up becoming friends with Mardi Gras, find that I too was friends with him, then send me a friend request (not wishing for too much as usual). Then tonight comes, and like I said, I read my newsfeed and it said "Mardi Gras is now friends with Virgin-taker and three other people."

Of course I thought maybe sometime Virgin-taker will be on FB and he'll see my name in the upper right-hand corner of the page listing me as a mutual friend of Mardi Gras and then he'd send me a friend request. One, watched-movie later, and I was like, fuck it, I'm just going to send Virgin-taker a message. So, with my heart beating out of my chest (I'm still so high school!) I sent him this note: Hey Virgin-taker. Saw in my news feed where you became "friends" with Mardi Gras on FB. I wondered what ever happened to you! Hope all is well with you and yours! Where are you these days?

Can I just say, it's a BFD for me to have done that. So, hmm, we'll see if he answers back. I'll let you know. Of course it did say he was in a relationship, but it didn't say he was married ; 0

*Of course Mardi Gras and Virgin-taker are not there real names, nor nick-names either!

Muriel

"Now my life is as good as an Abba song. It's as good as Dancing Queen!" Muriel's Wedding

I watched Muriel's Wedding the other night. It had been a while since I had last seen it. I love that movie! And, one thing I know for sure, when/if I ever get married, there will be an ABBA song played during the wedding ceremony.