My Sister

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
~ Herman Hesse

I have three sisters (as well as, three brothers), two, of the three, of my sisters are married with children. My youngest sister - four years younger than I - like me, has never been married and never had children.

When my youngest sister, N. was in her teen years she used to say she wanted to marry an older man (back then her ideal was Jack Lemon!) and she said she would be happy having step-children. Yeah, she actually had thought things out like that when she was sixteen!

N. was always the kind of girl that was a big "hit" with everybody else's younger kids, and then she was real happy to be able to go home without them. In other words, it was just kind of her nature to be able to handle things - like rambunctious, loud, crazy kids - in small doses, know her limits, and then be able to "duck" out when she reached hers.

She dated a guy for twelve years - between the ages of 22-34 - and everybody was pretty sure that it would one day end in matrimony, but it didn't. And it wasn't just that the long relationship ended, but it ended "badly."

After that - which was my sister's first and only "real" relationship - she dated a few different guys. One time, when she was 42 she met a guy that was 21 - a really good-looking, 6'4 guy from Scotland - and they were together for nearly a year. Most likely it would have ended at some point due to "where" they were in life, but that his "green" card was up definitely expedited the demise of them as a couple. She went to Scotland and stayed with him (and his mom!) for a month after he left the U.S., but she had to get back to her corporate job and he was 21 and ready to explore more of the world.

After that relationship ended she really didn't date much. When she would come home (she lives about six hour's drive from me) I would chat with her about guys; ask her about what was going on with her, tell her what was going on with me. But each year she just seemed to get more negative and more negative about men until I finally just couldn't even talk or share my feelings with her any more. It was like she was trying to "rain on my parade" if I even suggested that I wanted a boyfriend, much less a husband. She made me feel like it was a "losers" mentality for a women to want a man. And of course, I have never talked to this particular sister about wanting a child at my age. She'd poo poo that idea as batshit crazy in a heartbeat!

I just chalked up her negativity to being in a "bad" place emotionally. You know the kind of person who - because things aren't working out how they wanted - just tries to act like none of it matters any way, and instead of wishing you well for your dreams of love, just kinda wants to throw water on them so you they get washed away until you don't have any of them anymore. Like I said, I just started avoiding that topic with her all together.

Now, she's just turned 47 and all of the sudden I hear that for her birthday weekend she traveled - from her city to another city ten hours away - to go see a guy. I've never met the guy but I know who he is because it's one of her friend's close friends. He's been "in the picture" for a long time now, but she had never been "in the picture" with him per se. So when I find out she's going to visit him I'm curious, but not sure what it's about. Then, I find out "through the grapevine" that she's now in a relationship with him.

On the one hand, finding out that she has a new "boyfriend" is great news; I'm happy for her, I want everyone - who wants it -  to know of intimate love. On the other hand, I'm like, WTF? Here I've been being all positive these last several years and I have yet to "get" a boyfriend and she couldn't have been more negative and crappy about finding love - or wanting love! - and she does "get" the boyfriend!

It all kinda just pisses me off! And it's not my sister's situation that's pissing me off, really, it's more the "nature" of how this love "game" seems to work... i.e., you can want, dream, strive, work hard, be goal-oriented and think positively about every freak'n thing in life and that all can help aid you towards achieving success in what you are seeking, but, damn, when it comes to love, you gotta do the complete freak'n opposite thing!

In love, it seems that, you can't dream about it, strive for it, aspire towards it, work at it, envision it, hope for it... most of all, YOU CAN'T WANT IT!!! And not only that, you get rewarded the more jaded you become about it! LOL! I'm just at a loss... I just must be the worst player - IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (and that is a lot of history!)!!! - at playing the "game of love."

I just feel like calling it a day. Like, give up, already. Like, throw in the towel, please. WTH? I'm just shaking my head and wandering around in squares!

Older (and Wiser?)

"Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ~ Shel Silverstein

I found out a few months back that my best friend - since 7th grade! - had a really, really hard time when she turned 50 last November. I asked her why, and she gave me - what I thought - the most non-sensical answer EVER! 

My friend, MJ, told me that turning 50 was so upsetting to her because it was just ten years away from 60! I was like, WTF (really, I think I said that!)? I told MJ that she didn't even have a tomorrow for sure, so why worry about something that was ten years away! I didn't understand how she couldn't live more in the moment on this particular thing... and I'm usually not one to judge anyone for any of their "hangups" (probably due to having so many of my own! lol!). 

But really, I just didn't get her; I didn't get that worry about something so out of ones control. 

I don't think I had too much of a problem turning 50. I mean, for trying to get pregnant at 50, I guess I had thoughts about wishing it were different - that I wasn't going into "miracle" territory for birthing a baby - but I didn't feel physically or mentally much different. 

And then, I got real used to being 50 when I joined Tinder. Because Tinder is based on your Facebook profile and it has a photo of you and your age is shown very prominently - it nearly takes up the whole page (or maybe it just seems so large because it's telling the world your 50 when you wish it was saying, 39!)! But whatever, I was just dealing with being 50, and because I wasn't feeling as old as 50 it didn't seem to bother me too much. 

Then, on October 1st (yep, less than a month ago), I turned 51. And sometime during that day my Tinder profile got updated (I'm posting a pic - tho, blurred - of me and my profile) and it showed my same smiling face but with my new age... 51. Ugh! I didn't like it. I didn't like the look of it... maybe it's the even number decade thing of being 50, but having the number be 51 just threw me off... like, way off... I wasn't having panicky attacks, like my friend MJ, because I was that much closer to 60 (there is so much I'm trying to do right now that I can't put my attention on things too far away!), but I did have a much harder time with this years birthday than some in the past - and especially over last years! And it's just kinda interesting to me how I felt... bummed. 

But, in the end, I just know that I have to keep concentrating on the positive things I can do to help me get the life I've always dreamed of having. I can't bother with those negative things that I can't control... and as much as I might like, I can't control how old I am, so why should I worry on that. 

It's my job to believe that God has a perfect plan for my life. I already know His plan isn't anything close to mine - I wouldn't be writing this blog if it were!!! So, I've just got to stay focused on being faith-filled - over all my obstacles - and know that whatever awaits me is for my greater good. 

This blog is called, Dreaming Miracles. I gave the blog its name for a reason... and the reason was because I knew, however long it took, it was going to be a miracle - it didn't matter, doesn't matter, if I'm 46 or 50+ - it was always going to be a miracle. And it still will be.

Déjà Vu

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. ~ Walter Bagehot

So, for the second time in the past four months, I've had my OV watch let me know that I was both ovulating AND on my period! 

I had written before how my GP doctor had told me that older woman often ovulate twice in one cycle (though if you Google that it will say it's impossible!) and is why they often have twins. She has suggested that I definitely have sex while on my period for the exact reason that I would up my chances of getting pregnant. 

Well, now, like I said, it's happened again (and mind you, my doctor has done at least four different lab work panels to determine if the watch was correct when it was telling me I was ovulating and it has been on "target" every time).  

I'm posting photos to show the results from the OV watch. The first is me starting my period on my 51st birthday (oh, I haven't written about that latest milestone, have I?) - but, seriously, why does my period start on my birthday so often? lol! - AND it being Ovulation Day 1 on Cycle Day 29 (a "normal" cycle of when my period would start).

Once I started my period on Cycle Day 29 (even though I was ovulating) I had to put in a new sensor for the watch to let me know when, during my "new" cycle, ovulation would occur. 

So, the second photo shows Fertile Day 1 on my Cycle Day 11 (the watch will tell you the four fertile days leading up to ovulation, your Ovulation Day 1, Ovulation Day 2, and the two "less fertile" days after ovulation) which was on October 11th - meaning my ovulation day would occur four days later on my Cycle Day 15 which is "normal" for me.

I guess my take-away from this is that if you are older and you want to have the best chance of getting pregnant, don't just try when you think your ovulating... try when you're on your period, too!

Fertility Doctor

"You are never to old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." ~ C.S. Lewis

I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist over a month ago because of G.G. You see, when G.G. had told me he would have the baby with me I thought - because he lives so far away - that I would have to have his sperm deposited at a clinic where he lives and sent to the clinic where I live and then have a doctor do an IUI - intrauterine insemination - on me. Logistically, it was a nightmare, but I was just like, it's only another "dragon."

Then, of course, as I said in my previous post, G.G. bailed on me. Wasn't holding my breath, so I didn't get too badly hurt. But then the question was, should I cancel this really hard-to-get appointment with the fertility doctor or not? I mean, did I really need him, after all, if I wasn't going to have to have G.G. do a sperm deposit, have it cryopreserved, and then have to have the IUI done? I debated canceling the appointment, but ended up deciding to keep it.

But there was another huge thing weighing on my mind in regards to this fertility clinic and the doctor. I didn't know what their "cut-off" age was. My Chinese acupuncturist was the one who had referred me to this particular clinic because she said the doctor had gotten a 54 year old woman pregnant. But I have enough knowledge of fertility clinics - though I know I could use more! - to know that I might need to lie about my age. I didn't trust that just going in and telling them I was 50 was going to allow me to see the doctor.

So, at first, when I did contact the clinic, I said I was forty. But I knew that I was going to need to show them my blood work and other stuff (how did that 60 year old woman who got fertility treatment and got pregnant lie about everything? I guess if you have the money to pay out-of-pocket you can, huh?) and decided to get my GP's office to call... and the cut-off age was 50! And actually, for most fertility clinics, that is more a rarity than a norm to have the cut-off be so "late."

I decided to keep the appointment. I had brought my most recent blood work (I have a photo of that lab work - the day I was ovulating according to my OV Watch - at the bottom of the page) and when the nurse brought me in to the doctor I saw he had it in front of him on his desk. 

As doctors go, especially knowing the fertility "industry," he seemed like a nice, good one. Of course, one of the first things he said to me was that he recommends that woman over age 43 use donor eggs. I was like, dude (though I'm sure I said, doctor!) you have my lab work there in your hands, you can see my fertility is perfectly good RIGHT NOW! He goes on to explain that 10% of older woman have kids with Down Syndrome (I had actually thought it was a higher number than that) and other complications, etc. 

Later, when I talked to Dr. M., my GP, she said - when the doctor gave me those Down Syndrome stats - that I should have told him younger woman have more kids with Down Syndrome than older woman (I don't know that stat, but I trust my GP to know!). 

But when this fertility doctor, Dr. K., told me all the "shit" I was like, I know you have an ethical obligation to tell me everything you are telling me, but it's just going in one ear and out the other. Yeah, I really did say that! 

I did ask him about the 54 year old woman my acupuncturist had told me about and he said that she had used donor eggs. It really would have been "cool" to know that she got pregnant using her own eggs, but it didn't affect me - my goal - that she hadn't. 

Several times during our conversation he would say, "I'll try" and every time he did I would add, "And I'll succeed!" I think that happened three or four times. I told him that I don't know what kind of patients he's dealt with up to that point in his long career, but he had yet to meet anyone like me. 

And when he walked me to the check-out, before he left, I whispered in his ear that he would be lucky if he got to be a part of my miracle! And he just told me, "That's the best part of my job." 

M.I.A.

"If a story is in you, it has got to come out." ~ William Faulkner

So, I guess I've been like, Missing In Action on writing posts. I think it's the longest time since I started the blog that I haven't written something... anything... and it isn't because I've had nothing to say - I have plenty to say - I've just had "circumstances" going on. I will write about those "circumstances" as I can.