I called H.B. yesterday. I just said f' it and told myself that my "option one" needed to be played out to its finally conclusion. I hadn't talked to him in so long (at least six months). And because it has now been a year since I last saw him I wasn't exactly sure if I would bring up the subject of him getting me pregnant or not. I knew I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to "feel" if the moment to do so would come, or if I would have to wait for another conversation on another day. So we just chatted and got caught up on each other's lives.
I was sitting outside on my deck drinking a beer (needed that rx for courage!) and while we were talking I spotted a rare albino squirrel climbing from one tree branch to another. It is fascinating to see something so rare and I mentioned to H.B. how unique it was. And if you've been reading my blog for very long you know my feelings about signs: I am always looking for them! I just view signs as something that are uncommon, or out of place, but that your attention is drawn to for reasons that may not make sense, but that connect within your consciousness nevertheless. So, you won't be surprised when I tell you I took seeing the rare white squirrel as a sign!
The rareness of the moment, while I was on the phone talking with H.B., is what in the end gave me the courage to broach the subject of him being my sperm donor again. I kind of threw it in at the end of our conversation so it wasn't in a way where he could respond with a yes or no answer. I really didn't want him to make a response at that moment anyway. I want him to think on it. To know that I am still thinking of him on it.
Later in the evening I began writing him an email. I didn't send it off right away because I wanted to sleep on it and revise it if needed. Today, I re-read it and didn't revise any of it. I sent it as it was originally written. He had mentioned, in our conversation, that his email had been "acting" up and was frustrating him, so that may be a problem in him actually receiving my email, but if I don't here from him in the next two weeks I'll call him again. He is still presently my "option one" until, and if, he takes himself off the table. This is my third attempt at asking him to be my donor and if he says, "No," then that will be my third strike and I won't try again.
Life is an interesting experience, I'll just have to wait and see how this particular experience plays out...
Here is the email I sent to H.B. It would come as an enormous shock if H.B. were to say, "Yes," to my proposal. But Dreaming Miracles is all about the journey of seeking miracles out, even in places where it might seem an impossibility to find one. I'm going to keep seeking my miracles until the day comes when I finally find mine!
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