"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. " - Unkown
Okay, this was an interesting article about this man possibly being the world's oldest father at 96 years of age! But read the rest of the story and find out what to me is the more interesting part of the article: the mother!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Artwork
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Back when I had not heard from C. for nearly three months and I started writing my emails to him as if they were Dear Diary entries (which they seemed to feel like more than any kind of actual correspondence) I wrote the following email to him:
Friday, September 7, 2012 4:53 PM
Dear Diary,
I meant to say that I finished reading the Madonnas of Leningrad. The story did take place mostly in the Hermitage, but forwarded in time to an island off of Seattle. It was a good book, but I think I preferred the two previous ones I had read (Snow Falling on Cedars and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan). Although, I must say it was interesting to learn about a place and event in time that I had little, if any, knowledge of. Anyway, because the book was called the Madonnas of Leningrad, in part due to the detailed remembrance of all the most famously painted Madonnas that hung on the Hermitage's walls, I thought that I would share my Madonnas.
I have painted several Madonnas with Child over the years. I have always loved the Masters paintings of that image. I'm Catholic - a church which highly honors Mary - but outside of that fact, it strikes a cord... a mother loving her child... However, I am not a trained artist so I consider mine "naive" art - art that is not only from an unskilled painter, but done with a simple-minded view of the subject. I love "naive" art. I consider much folk art to be "naive" and feel a great connection to that expression. I'm not in love with my art, but I do *like* it. When I used to "produce" it I would write a prayer* on the back of each piece, one from my own thoughts and heart, as a gift for the recipient. It was an interesting time in my life...
So, I am attaching my Madonnas. Some of which I like, others, not as much, but all done with love. One of my Madonnas is missing (it's just not uploaded to my laptop) and it is my "modern" Madonna. I like it's "new ageyness" but it's not for everyone. Oh, but I am throwing in my angel - or rather, my interpretation of an angel : )
---------------------------------------------------
Later, after C. had been re-deployed to that part of the world most in need of his expertise I wrote this:
Sunday, October 7, 2012 1:10 AM
From: L.
To: C.
Here's another piece of artwork I've done (did you have a chance to view my Madonnas?) The piece is simple, but I used the old shutters from my 1930's home in __________ as my framing. I like this piece because at the time I made it it was pretty unique. I like it during the day without the lights, but at night when it is lit (there are small white lights strung behind it) it is so bright and colorful it makes me feel like Christmas everyday! : ) You seem to have such refined taste (at least in your classical music selections) that my simple folk-type of art may not appeal to your senses... art is so subjective... which, after all, is quite the "special" part of its existence; there is some beauty represented in art works that any individual person may find they have an attraction to....
Hoping you are well (and doing well!)
L
----------------------------------------------------
And finally, today, probably because of how strong and harsh my last email to C. was and because I do deeply care for him and want him to do and be well while he is so far away, in such a dangerous part of the world, I wrote:
Monday, October 15, 2012 6:03 PM
Hey! I have a few minutes before I show a property at _______________. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to give myself to get out to the place (and find it!) as it is some distance from where I live. On the drive my mind just kept going to you, wondering how you are, how things are going? I have such strong beliefs in your professional abilities - that you are a treasure to the ___________ (whether they say so or not!) - I have no worries about that, but I do worry about you personally... that you are okay...
I'm going to send you a photo of the rooster I painted around the time my mom had her illness. It was my first attempt at doing a reversed-glass painting on plexi-glass. I really didn't know what I was doing and I got kind of impatient with the whole thing; I didn't like the finished product at all! But my counselor (I was seeing a counselor at that time because going through my mother's illness with her - taking care of her was a full time job - so I often felt as if I were on a sinking ship being dragged down to depths I wasn't sure I would be able to surface from) suggested I paint something to relieve some of my stress and anxiety. Because she had been my impetus for doing the painting I took it in to her office to show her and since I disliked it so much, and she seemed to like it, I gave it to her. She propped it up against her bookcase just behind where she sat but in view of where her patients faced her.
The next time I went back to her the rooster was still there and I asked her, why, as she had told me she meant to take it home. She said she ended up not being able to take it home because every patient that came in that day and during the rest of the week commented on it! She was amazed that it brought out so many different thoughts from each of them! She was really flabbergasted about it... she said she now felt like she couldn't take it home; her patients had become too attached to it! I thought that that was so strange, but interesting...
In the end, somehow, I too came around to actually *liking* my rooster! I'm am sending it to you to cheer you up! It's such a funny looking thing...
I really miss you...
L
Back when I had not heard from C. for nearly three months and I started writing my emails to him as if they were Dear Diary entries (which they seemed to feel like more than any kind of actual correspondence) I wrote the following email to him:
Friday, September 7, 2012 4:53 PM
Dear Diary,
I meant to say that I finished reading the Madonnas of Leningrad. The story did take place mostly in the Hermitage, but forwarded in time to an island off of Seattle. It was a good book, but I think I preferred the two previous ones I had read (Snow Falling on Cedars and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan). Although, I must say it was interesting to learn about a place and event in time that I had little, if any, knowledge of. Anyway, because the book was called the Madonnas of Leningrad, in part due to the detailed remembrance of all the most famously painted Madonnas that hung on the Hermitage's walls, I thought that I would share my Madonnas.
I have painted several Madonnas with Child over the years. I have always loved the Masters paintings of that image. I'm Catholic - a church which highly honors Mary - but outside of that fact, it strikes a cord... a mother loving her child... However, I am not a trained artist so I consider mine "naive" art - art that is not only from an unskilled painter, but done with a simple-minded view of the subject. I love "naive" art. I consider much folk art to be "naive" and feel a great connection to that expression. I'm not in love with my art, but I do *like* it. When I used to "produce" it I would write a prayer* on the back of each piece, one from my own thoughts and heart, as a gift for the recipient. It was an interesting time in my life...
So, I am attaching my Madonnas. Some of which I like, others, not as much, but all done with love. One of my Madonnas is missing (it's just not uploaded to my laptop) and it is my "modern" Madonna. I like it's "new ageyness" but it's not for everyone. Oh, but I am throwing in my angel - or rather, my interpretation of an angel : )
---------------------------------------------------
Later, after C. had been re-deployed to that part of the world most in need of his expertise I wrote this:
Sunday, October 7, 2012 1:10 AM
From: L.
To: C.
Here's another piece of artwork I've done (did you have a chance to view my Madonnas?) The piece is simple, but I used the old shutters from my 1930's home in __________ as my framing. I like this piece because at the time I made it it was pretty unique. I like it during the day without the lights, but at night when it is lit (there are small white lights strung behind it) it is so bright and colorful it makes me feel like Christmas everyday! : ) You seem to have such refined taste (at least in your classical music selections) that my simple folk-type of art may not appeal to your senses... art is so subjective... which, after all, is quite the "special" part of its existence; there is some beauty represented in art works that any individual person may find they have an attraction to....
Hoping you are well (and doing well!)
L
----------------------------------------------------
And finally, today, probably because of how strong and harsh my last email to C. was and because I do deeply care for him and want him to do and be well while he is so far away, in such a dangerous part of the world, I wrote:
Monday, October 15, 2012 6:03 PM
Hey! I have a few minutes before I show a property at _______________. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to give myself to get out to the place (and find it!) as it is some distance from where I live. On the drive my mind just kept going to you, wondering how you are, how things are going? I have such strong beliefs in your professional abilities - that you are a treasure to the ___________ (whether they say so or not!) - I have no worries about that, but I do worry about you personally... that you are okay...
I'm going to send you a photo of the rooster I painted around the time my mom had her illness. It was my first attempt at doing a reversed-glass painting on plexi-glass. I really didn't know what I was doing and I got kind of impatient with the whole thing; I didn't like the finished product at all! But my counselor (I was seeing a counselor at that time because going through my mother's illness with her - taking care of her was a full time job - so I often felt as if I were on a sinking ship being dragged down to depths I wasn't sure I would be able to surface from) suggested I paint something to relieve some of my stress and anxiety. Because she had been my impetus for doing the painting I took it in to her office to show her and since I disliked it so much, and she seemed to like it, I gave it to her. She propped it up against her bookcase just behind where she sat but in view of where her patients faced her.
The next time I went back to her the rooster was still there and I asked her, why, as she had told me she meant to take it home. She said she ended up not being able to take it home because every patient that came in that day and during the rest of the week commented on it! She was amazed that it brought out so many different thoughts from each of them! She was really flabbergasted about it... she said she now felt like she couldn't take it home; her patients had become too attached to it! I thought that that was so strange, but interesting...
In the end, somehow, I too came around to actually *liking* my rooster! I'm am sending it to you to cheer you up! It's such a funny looking thing...
I really miss you...
L
Saturday, October 13, 2012
In the Meantime...
"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." ~ Robert F. Kennedy
I called H.B. yesterday. I just said f' it and told myself that my "option one" needed to be played out to its finally conclusion. I hadn't talked to him in so long (at least six months). And because it has now been a year since I last saw him I wasn't exactly sure if I would bring up the subject of him getting me pregnant or not. I knew I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to "feel" if the moment to do so would come, or if I would have to wait for another conversation on another day. So we just chatted and got caught up on each other's lives.
I was sitting outside on my deck drinking a beer (needed that rx for courage!) and while we were talking I spotted a rare albino squirrel climbing from one tree branch to another. It is fascinating to see something so rare and I mentioned to H.B. how unique it was. And if you've been reading my blog for very long you know my feelings about signs: I am always looking for them! I just view signs as something that are uncommon, or out of place, but that your attention is drawn to for reasons that may not make sense, but that connect within your consciousness nevertheless. So, you won't be surprised when I tell you I took seeing the rare white squirrel as a sign!
The rareness of the moment, while I was on the phone talking with H.B., is what in the end gave me the courage to broach the subject of him being my sperm donor again. I kind of threw it in at the end of our conversation so it wasn't in a way where he could respond with a yes or no answer. I really didn't want him to make a response at that moment anyway. I want him to think on it. To know that I am still thinking of him on it.
Later in the evening I began writing him an email. I didn't send it off right away because I wanted to sleep on it and revise it if needed. Today, I re-read it and didn't revise any of it. I sent it as it was originally written. He had mentioned, in our conversation, that his email had been "acting" up and was frustrating him, so that may be a problem in him actually receiving my email, but if I don't here from him in the next two weeks I'll call him again. He is still presently my "option one" until, and if, he takes himself off the table. This is my third attempt at asking him to be my donor and if he says, "No," then that will be my third strike and I won't try again.
Life is an interesting experience, I'll just have to wait and see how this particular experience plays out...
Here is the email I sent to H.B. It would come as an enormous shock if H.B. were to say, "Yes," to my proposal. But Dreaming Miracles is all about the journey of seeking miracles out, even in places where it might seem an impossibility to find one. I'm going to keep seeking my miracles until the day comes when I finally find mine!
I called H.B. yesterday. I just said f' it and told myself that my "option one" needed to be played out to its finally conclusion. I hadn't talked to him in so long (at least six months). And because it has now been a year since I last saw him I wasn't exactly sure if I would bring up the subject of him getting me pregnant or not. I knew I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to "feel" if the moment to do so would come, or if I would have to wait for another conversation on another day. So we just chatted and got caught up on each other's lives.
I was sitting outside on my deck drinking a beer (needed that rx for courage!) and while we were talking I spotted a rare albino squirrel climbing from one tree branch to another. It is fascinating to see something so rare and I mentioned to H.B. how unique it was. And if you've been reading my blog for very long you know my feelings about signs: I am always looking for them! I just view signs as something that are uncommon, or out of place, but that your attention is drawn to for reasons that may not make sense, but that connect within your consciousness nevertheless. So, you won't be surprised when I tell you I took seeing the rare white squirrel as a sign!
The rareness of the moment, while I was on the phone talking with H.B., is what in the end gave me the courage to broach the subject of him being my sperm donor again. I kind of threw it in at the end of our conversation so it wasn't in a way where he could respond with a yes or no answer. I really didn't want him to make a response at that moment anyway. I want him to think on it. To know that I am still thinking of him on it.
Later in the evening I began writing him an email. I didn't send it off right away because I wanted to sleep on it and revise it if needed. Today, I re-read it and didn't revise any of it. I sent it as it was originally written. He had mentioned, in our conversation, that his email had been "acting" up and was frustrating him, so that may be a problem in him actually receiving my email, but if I don't here from him in the next two weeks I'll call him again. He is still presently my "option one" until, and if, he takes himself off the table. This is my third attempt at asking him to be my donor and if he says, "No," then that will be my third strike and I won't try again.
Life is an interesting experience, I'll just have to wait and see how this particular experience plays out...
Here is the email I sent to H.B. It would come as an enormous shock if H.B. were to say, "Yes," to my proposal. But Dreaming Miracles is all about the journey of seeking miracles out, even in places where it might seem an impossibility to find one. I'm going to keep seeking my miracles until the day comes when I finally find mine!
To C. or Not to C.
"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were." - Kahlil Gibran
C. finally responded to the lengthy email I had sent him earlier. I guess I got an answer to my question of why he changed his mind, but not really what the circumstances he actually went through to make him do so. I didn't get an answer to my question of what he really thinks of me. But at least he wrote and then I got my chance to write back! It wasn't pretty!
We'll see if I've scared him off for good or not... maybe that would be the best thing anyway... if I can manage at this time to take a second punch to my gut, because at this point just the thought of not being able to communicate with him would be another great loss.
The P.S. in the email I wrote back to him might be TMI, I deleted (with the blank lines) some of the more graphic sexual language used (by him and by me), or just information that I can't reveal for various reasons (I'm trying to be as truthful as I can in this blog but I can't reveal everything!). I do try to give as much detail as I can just to give you that much more awareness into how I actually feel and react to C. (and to everything else going on in this Dreaming Miracles process - the good and bad!).
I'll keep you posted if I do ever hear back from C.
We'll see if I've scared him off for good or not... maybe that would be the best thing anyway... if I can manage at this time to take a second punch to my gut, because at this point just the thought of not being able to communicate with him would be another great loss.
The P.S. in the email I wrote back to him might be TMI, I deleted (with the blank lines) some of the more graphic sexual language used (by him and by me), or just information that I can't reveal for various reasons (I'm trying to be as truthful as I can in this blog but I can't reveal everything!). I do try to give as much detail as I can just to give you that much more awareness into how I actually feel and react to C. (and to everything else going on in this Dreaming Miracles process - the good and bad!).
I'll keep you posted if I do ever hear back from C.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Strange Store
"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar." ~ Helen Keller
My previous post was about how I got that out-of-the-blue call from my doctor's nurse suggesting that my doctor might know of a sperm donor who was offering his donation to me.
Well, can I just say it was interesting: it's my doctor's ex-boyfriend! He had told her he has banked sperm but was going to quit paying the yearly charges because he had decided he didn't want anymore children (I found out he has two younger boys - probably about nine and eleven). He has been divorced but he did get custody of his kids and has been raising them on his own for some time, which just tells me that he is at least a responsible person.
However, I'm not really attracted to him. I mean, he's okay. But I really was hoping to find someone who I would definitely be attracted to. He's a pretty big guy and I think he he thinks he's all that. It's funny because I've never been introduced to him, but had seen him around the office a bit when they had been dating. I don't know. I told Dr. M. I felt like it would be worth paying the $200 storage fee for the year as it would give me a little more time to consider it. But of course time is where I need my greatest amount of faith. God, I don't know what I'm doing. I can only hope God knows what God is doing!
Well, can I just say it was interesting: it's my doctor's ex-boyfriend! He had told her he has banked sperm but was going to quit paying the yearly charges because he had decided he didn't want anymore children (I found out he has two younger boys - probably about nine and eleven). He has been divorced but he did get custody of his kids and has been raising them on his own for some time, which just tells me that he is at least a responsible person.
However, I'm not really attracted to him. I mean, he's okay. But I really was hoping to find someone who I would definitely be attracted to. He's a pretty big guy and I think he he thinks he's all that. It's funny because I've never been introduced to him, but had seen him around the office a bit when they had been dating. I don't know. I told Dr. M. I felt like it would be worth paying the $200 storage fee for the year as it would give me a little more time to consider it. But of course time is where I need my greatest amount of faith. God, I don't know what I'm doing. I can only hope God knows what God is doing!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Out of the Blue
"Fall seven times, stand up eight." ~ Japanese Proverb
I got a call the other day from the nurse at my General Practice doctor's office. She said in her message that Dr. M. knew of a guy who had frozen some sperm in case he wanted to have more children, but he has decided he doesn't want any more and was going to let the frozen sperm expire. In the the message the nurse described the guy as being tall, with blond hair and blue eyes. Well, I didn't get the message until a few days later (having lost my phone!), but I will be having an appointment with Dr. M. this afternoon and will find out more details, i.e., are the sperm still available, what does the guy actually look like, what kind of family situation does he presently have, and basically what kind of guy is he in general - intelligent? kind? industrious? - just basically what are the traits that he would be passing on via his sperm?
Who knows... I just found it curious that this scenario was even presenting itself in my life at this time.
I'll have my appointment and see if there are any further details worth sharing.
I got a call the other day from the nurse at my General Practice doctor's office. She said in her message that Dr. M. knew of a guy who had frozen some sperm in case he wanted to have more children, but he has decided he doesn't want any more and was going to let the frozen sperm expire. In the the message the nurse described the guy as being tall, with blond hair and blue eyes. Well, I didn't get the message until a few days later (having lost my phone!), but I will be having an appointment with Dr. M. this afternoon and will find out more details, i.e., are the sperm still available, what does the guy actually look like, what kind of family situation does he presently have, and basically what kind of guy is he in general - intelligent? kind? industrious? - just basically what are the traits that he would be passing on via his sperm?
Who knows... I just found it curious that this scenario was even presenting itself in my life at this time.
I'll have my appointment and see if there are any further details worth sharing.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
49 plus 5
"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up." ~ Vince Lombardi
I turned 49 six days ago. It was the worst birthday of my life... worse than the one when I was twelve and my mom figured I got enough cake and ice cream at our annual church picnic that she didn't need to make a special cake for me... or even bother gathering the family around to sing Happy Birthday! Worse than when I turned sixteen, started my period (for the first time ever!) and, since my mom was out of town, I had to make my own birthday celebration; decorating the chocolate cake I made in M&M's with the words, "Happy Sixteenth Birthday L!" Yep, this past birthday was one for the annals of, "Best of the Worst Ones!"
So much of it had to do with C. and his unexpected "grenade" landing in my lap, i.e., deciding that he no longer wanted to be my sperm donor (after so many months of telling me he couldn't wait for us to begin that journey together!).
I honestly feel like I'm at the end... done... in every way... not just on this particular journey, but on any journey that might be in my future plans. I just get that overwhelming feeling that I'm not strong enough to be on the journey, much less, the, "hero's journey." I question why I ever thought I was fit enough to fight the dragons! I say to myself, "Other people have that will to fight on even when there is nothing seemingly in their life worth fighting on for!" And then I view me: I have so much given to me that would seem to be worth living for and yet I don't feel up to the task!
But alas, I find that I have a "funny" relationship with God... He throws what I feel is "crap" at me and after I try to defy Him by giving up and saying, a slightly milder form of, "FU" He makes my mind travel back to the beginning; back to dreaming and back to miracles - back to dreaming miracles!
I can't get away from this journey: the path has been set before me... surely there must be "free will" involved in whether or not I proceed, but it doesn't feel like that to me... it feels fated, as if I am the key player in the play that has already been written for me, about me, and directed by a "Director" who takes my "No!" as, "Yes, let's proceed on and make this a performance worthy of my director's creative brilliance!"
I don't know what lies at the end of this journey... only that no matter what obstacles I am faced with while on it, that I am bound to finish it.
Of course today the journey feels like it just plain sucks, but with God you just don't know.... tomorrow might be when a rainbow lights up in the midst of a stormy sky. I can only hope; believe that God has a purpose as to why I am writing this blog; that when the dots are connected backwards I will have the joy of having actually seen that God knew what He was doing...
Here are the emails I sent to C. after my first pissed off missive (noted in my previous post). But I have not yet heard a response back from my most recent "mad-as-shit-but-trying-to-hide-it" email sent the day after my birthday... I wish I could feel more optimistic about what he might reply to me...
So much of it had to do with C. and his unexpected "grenade" landing in my lap, i.e., deciding that he no longer wanted to be my sperm donor (after so many months of telling me he couldn't wait for us to begin that journey together!).
I honestly feel like I'm at the end... done... in every way... not just on this particular journey, but on any journey that might be in my future plans. I just get that overwhelming feeling that I'm not strong enough to be on the journey, much less, the, "hero's journey." I question why I ever thought I was fit enough to fight the dragons! I say to myself, "Other people have that will to fight on even when there is nothing seemingly in their life worth fighting on for!" And then I view me: I have so much given to me that would seem to be worth living for and yet I don't feel up to the task!
But alas, I find that I have a "funny" relationship with God... He throws what I feel is "crap" at me and after I try to defy Him by giving up and saying, a slightly milder form of, "FU" He makes my mind travel back to the beginning; back to dreaming and back to miracles - back to dreaming miracles!
I can't get away from this journey: the path has been set before me... surely there must be "free will" involved in whether or not I proceed, but it doesn't feel like that to me... it feels fated, as if I am the key player in the play that has already been written for me, about me, and directed by a "Director" who takes my "No!" as, "Yes, let's proceed on and make this a performance worthy of my director's creative brilliance!"
I don't know what lies at the end of this journey... only that no matter what obstacles I am faced with while on it, that I am bound to finish it.
Of course today the journey feels like it just plain sucks, but with God you just don't know.... tomorrow might be when a rainbow lights up in the midst of a stormy sky. I can only hope; believe that God has a purpose as to why I am writing this blog; that when the dots are connected backwards I will have the joy of having actually seen that God knew what He was doing...
Here are the emails I sent to C. after my first pissed off missive (noted in my previous post). But I have not yet heard a response back from my most recent "mad-as-shit-but-trying-to-hide-it" email sent the day after my birthday... I wish I could feel more optimistic about what he might reply to me...
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