Tears

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney

Last night I had so many tears. I felt so lost. So unsure. So filled with negative self-talk. So desperate. Of course I was on my period so my tears should have lightened up over that blessing from above, but alas, as PMSing so often does - it didn't allow for that.

My mom was there for me. I'm sure she felt helpless as to what to do, but really she gave me the same response as anyone in crisis can only hope to have - she listened. And after she listened she was there to build me back up; to help me see what my closed eyes couldn't, or wouldn't, see - the positives of my life; my meaning, even in its small sphere of influence.

I went to bed and thirteen hours later woke up and I was ready to move some mountains!

I'm not giving up. I've said before that this story is my story and I'll know when it's over. Well, after thirteen hours of sleep, some meditation, and some time watching the moon and stars move across the the western sky my soul knows that my story is just not even close to being finished.

But just because my soul knows something doesn't mean I know it, so it just barely lightens my "load." What does lighten my "load" is that God says that I only need the faith of a mustard seed to move mountains. And I always know that I have the capacity of at least that much faith; that mustard seed is just itsy bitsy!

Part of me wishes I was reading someone elses' story; one where the beginning, the middle and the end was already written and my eyes just lead me across the page taking in the plot and all its dramatic twists and turns, but the other part of me feels the excitement of being that blank page ready to be filled in with plots left to be determined...

No Biting Allowed

"When faced with a challenge, look for a way,

not a way out." - David Weatherford

Well, the last of my family left over the weekend and I made it through the circus without incident - almost as hard to do as riding a unicycle on a tight-rope.

Actually, the brother I try to avoid was avoided just the right amount: where it didn't seem rude (although it was made easier as he and his family actually stayed at another house!) My sister K., came by with her husband (he, of whom, I hadn't seen or spoken to in three years and still, technically, haven't made amends with) and I was cordial to both.

And except for one night, I stayed away from the late night imbibing (alcohol and family gatherings can often go astray).

I feel like I took part in things as I could, but made sure to not take part in everything. I guess it worked because at no time during the week did hair-pulling, scratching, or biting take place (there used to be a sign hung on the "Fun Club" door in our house saying such things were not allowed of members!)

Anyway, I feel relieved that it went as well as it did and wish it always could be so.

Traffic Patterns

"Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to the solution." - Dr. David Schwartz

I'm disappointed in myself. I had a goal in my mind to have an insemination in March and it didn't happen.

I'm so completely stuck. As I just wrote that previous line it reminded me of a scenario that happened a few years back. I was driving down a main thoroughfare in the city, on one of those roads that start at one side of town and go miles to the other side, with what seem like a million stop lights in between. Usually, when you're on a road like that, the lights are on a timer, so if you've made it through one intersection you should be able to get through the next one, and the next one and so on. Your in the flow of the "traffic gods."

I'm always pretty impatient when I drive in traffic. The open road, that's a different story; it's therapy, but put me in traffic and I yearn for a chauffeur. So on this particular day, when I was driving that drive across town and I was missing every single light, I felt like I just couldn't get a break. I wanted to be where I was going already and every time I got up to the next light it would turn red and I said, exasperatingly, to myself, "I can't catch a green light to save my life." And immediately my mind answered back, "Maybe not catching the green lights are saving your life!" It was just that feeling of recognizing that being stopped at getting what I wanted might actually have been the better thing for me. It was a strange feeling; strange enough that I've never forgotten it.

So, when I just wrote, "I'm so completely stuck," I was going to follow that thought with the frustration I feel at not being able to figure out what to do regarding finding the right sperm donor. I feel so much pressure to get it done now - yesterday, really - but then that other thought - the stuck in traffic thought - came to me and I was once again reminded of the lesson I feel I learned from that, which is that being stuck might actually be the better thing to be happening to me right now.

I'm 48 years old I can't afford to be stuck is not faith-filled thinking. Faith-filled thinking is believing that being stuck at this moment in time, despite being 48, is saving me. Whether being "stuck" is allowing me to not pick the wrong donor, or whether it is giving me time to have the right donor appear, or some other thing entirely, remains to be seen.

But I do know the light will turn back from red to green. When it does I will lift my foot from the brake, place it back on the gas pedal and take off, this time in the flow of the "traffic gods," or maybe my chauffeur will be doing the driving : )

No Comment... but One...

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely."

~ Karen Kaiser Clark

I have no commentary on the good, the bad, the ugly (or indifference) of what went on with this "situation." I might have opinions but in my mind judging is for pageants and I'm not a part of any contest! My only comment is that there's a story about a woman who is 48 wanting to have another baby of her own. Whenever I see an article about that phenomenon it attracts my interest. And the amazing thing about reading the article is that there is no commentary in it saying that it's a "kooky" proposition for her to be trying for another baby at 48 years old. The only thing the article alludes to that this might be "different" is that her biological clock is ticking "loudly."

Family

"Life is a game, Play it; Life is a challenge, Meet it; Life is an opportunity, Capture it. "

~ Unknown

They're here. My family. The multitudes of them. My brother, his wife and young son, who live far, far away have made their once yearly journey to visit my mom. That visit in turns brings the entirety of my siblings (except one - my eldest sister) here to visit them - from all parts of the country. I have six siblings; three brothers, three sisters. And those siblings have kids - ages eight through thirty!

Most people would be over-joyed at the prospect of family getting together. As a reader of my blog you will know that events over the past few years have quashed most of the joy I once felt at such gatherings. I'm not going to hide. The past two years I remained entirely out of the picture when my eldest brother and my sister, K. took part. This year I'm going to participate, albeit, on the periphery.

Tonight, I'm not feeling well so I'm just hanging in my room. But I can hear them upstairs, knowing swigs from their longneck bottles of Bud, are making their voices louder and laughs heartier. But I feel good not being a part of their stories tonight. Tomorrow, there's a big party, hopefully I'll be feeling better, and maybe I'll feel ready to laugh along with them.

Backing Up

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. "

- Paul Boese

I want to go back a bit and tell you what happened when my sister, K., and I met for that second counseling appointment. The first meeting had gone so poorly that I wasn't feeling very hopeful regarding the second.

My sister became a grandmother and she was leaving the next day to see the new addition to her family. I knew she was stopping by to see my mom before she headed out of town and I gave my my mom an envelope with a card in it to give to her. I had written my congratulations on her exciting news and asked if she would be able to meet with my counselor and I when she got back in town the following week. She replied back in an email that she would make the appointment.

So, I had arranged that I would have a half hour alone with my counselor to go over what I wanted to get out of the meeting, and my sister would meet with us during the last half hour so that we could continue to work on trying to make things better.

When my sister came into the room, right off the bat, she seemed much less defensive. I explained to my counselor that she had just got back from seeing her daughter and her first grandchild. My counselor congratulated her and asked about her visit. So, my sister, I'm sure still feeling the joy of that time, was happy to oblige in telling of her new grandson.

Like I said, K. was in a different frame of mind than at our first appointment. She was open. I just explained to her what I wanted; that for a start I just hoped to be able to be around each other. That I was just trying to make things easier for our mom, and us being on better terms would be a great help in that regard. I told her that that was all I was ready for. I wasn't ready for any family gatherings at her house and for her not to take offense when I didn't show up. I could only do what I could do, and being civil to each other was my start.

She seemed to be accepting of that. We talked some about our mom and her needs and then the appointment time had come to an end. When she got up to leave she hesitated, and my counselor, noticing, asked if she wanted to add anything more? K. looked at me and said, "I want to know if I can give you a hug?" And I let her.

It wasn't like the hug made the years dissolve away, but it did feel like the beginnings of a new beginning.

A week or so went by before I made a point, on Valentine's Day, to come upstairs when she came to visit my mom and say hello to her; to wish her a happy day. She had brought Valentine's treats for both my mom and me.

I've only seen her once since then and it too went well. Like I said, we're no where near BFF territory, but we are in the territory where my mom is freed of a burden that she was made to endure, and that territory, for now, feels like a fine place to be.

I Caved

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination."

~ Tommy Lasorda

I caved in. I promised myself I wouldn't. But when I looked around at my prospects for a donor I couldn't seem to keep that promise. I called H.B. I grabbed a beer, went out on the porch, dialed his number and he answered. I didn't jump right in with the request, but when I felt the time had come, I asked him to please rethink his response.

He does understand my plight. He's sympathetic to it. But he has fears that I don't know if he thinks he can overcome. As you know from reading my post about him, he has a child, a boy, probably close to twelve years old and he has a lot of regrets about that relationship. But, I told H.B., I'm not her (the mother of his son), I'm not manipulative and hurt because you didn't "pick" me, like she is. She lied from the start. All I want to do is be open and honest. He doesn't think he's father material. He feels like it would all drive him crazy. I think in his heart of hearts he would like to help me, he's just battling demons that he alone, if he so chose, would have to slay. It's a situation that I can't control. But once again he made me feel okay about asking him (begging him!) to reconsider. God I wish he would!