Funny and Sad

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." ~ Robert Brault

Well, this is a post I would just as soon avoid like the plague, but when you write a blog about your life  you sometimes have to reveal things in which you might rather keep private. But when the subject has to do with a particular part of your life, and that part of your life has to do with the ups and downs of that life, especially as it relates to the dreams I intend to attain, then there is nowhere to hide! There is no way to avoid what you must say. I have to be honest, even if it gives me the feeling of angst to do so.

So, on that note, I will start by saying that C. has now finished his deployment, has returned to the U.S. and, unfortunately for me, though not unexpected, because I knew of his plans, he has gone off to St. Maarten island to be alone and think about his future.

It's beyond the realm of frustration to know that he was so close (and still compared to the Middle East isn't that far!) and yet he didn't come back here, but rather to his parents for a few days (because they live quite close to D.C. where he had to get everything squared away), before he left for his island getaway!

And the last six months, when his deployment was involuntarily extended, I sensed, and he finally admitted, as the months wore on, that he was depressed and at his breaking point. By April he started dreaming of going away to the island with me, but by June, he felt like he would be no good to me until he had time alone to recuperate, to get back some of his soul that the military had almost completely taken from him. I knew he was broken and as hard as it was to do, I encouraged him to go there to be alone. I felt that he would come back better, renewed, refreshed and made whole again.

So that is where he is. He has been there for just about a two weeks. I'm trying to give him as much "space" as I can but it is hard. I do feel such great joy to look forward to and can't wait for the day when he either comes to get me, or says he's on his way home!

But why I'm writing of C. now is because, well, now that we soon may come together - in every way - I have realized that I am completely not ready for finally having sex with him. And it is by no means that I am not absolutely, positively ready to have sex with him, but just a part of me isn't: my knee!

For all these long months - it's been 15 months since we first became acquainted - all that has been possible, in relation to s-e-x has been fantasy! There was no way for reality to enter in the picture until he returned!

But the thing is, in my fantasy sex-life with him, my knee never gave me any problem! I was like an Olympic gymnast - flexible as hell! I can't believe that I never even remotely gave one iota of thought to my knee (remember I have had three surgeries on it in the past two years!) being anything but, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! 

Yes, I did physical therapy to get my knee back to being able to walk normally and have no pain going about my everyday life, but I had never done anything that overextended it.

So now comes the reality! Out of the blue, I had the thought that pretty soon I was no longer going to be having fantasy sex, it was going to be the real deal, you know, "get down and get back up again" kind of sex, and as soon as I realized that, I realized that my knee might not be in the "no pain zone" that it had always been in during fantasy time. And I was pretty sure, that soon enough, I was going to be overextending it!

And that's when I decided that I needed to test the reality of what my knee would feel like during sex! And let me just tell you, after I did my little test "work out," it swelled and hurt so much that I had to go get ice packs to give it relief! Good, grief, I thought, I've got to get my knee on a two-a-day work-out regimen! And that's exactly what I've been doing, sore knee, ice packs and all! But, I have to say, that it is coming along and getting much better at what it needs to be able to do ; )

The two-a-day, knee work-out regimen is the funny part of this post, now onto the sad part... and the sad part is really sad to me. The part that I wish I didn't have to reveal, but I think it is too big a part of who I am and what my story is, to the point that I feel I have to!

So, what I sadly have to reveal, is that I haven't had sex in eight years! None, zip, nada! I haven't even been touched intimately in all that time. The only thing that I have had is, one chaste kiss from my ex-wished-he-would-have-called-me-his-girlfriend-but-never-did, H.B., when he said goodbye to me as I was leaving the town I had lived in for ten years to move back here.

Pretty sad, right? But, at least that last time was memorable: a one night stand with a super nice, hotty, whom I met when I was traveling on my own in Australia, and stopped in a beautiful town, called Byron Bay. But time flies, and things pass by, and being sick these past three years, hasn't helped my prospecting!

But I can't place blame on my illness because the fact is, I hardly ever have had much sex. And it's not because I am not a totally sex-fueled woman - I'm ready to ignite at one hot look from a cute guy - it's just that I need the whole package, even for the rarity of a one night stand (which has never really been a part of who I am). And the whole package to me is to have a physical attraction and a mental attraction.

I think that's my problem really, with guys; I'm too mental. I don't necessarily think of myself as being so smart, but I have always needed to be mentally stimulated. I have always needed the challenge of a guy's brain forcing me to think, no matter what the topic, to the point of stretching my mental abilities.

I even remember H.B.'s mother telling me, when I asked, what she thought the reason was as to why her son and I didn't work out, she replied that she thought I intimidated him - mentally - and it wasn't because he didn't have smarts about him, it's just that he, nor very few guys I've meet, want to dive to the depths of thoughts, ideas and creative thinking that I desire to; that I need....

So, yeah, there you have it, the funny: sex workouts for my knee. And the sad: not having had sex, that physical intimacy, in so very long a time...

I am assuming my fortunes are about to change, but one thing I have learned about C. (and the reason why I have not written much about the renewal of our relationship since it occurred back in February) is that the more I feel I know of him and desire him, the more I feel vulnerable to the strength of my feelings, and the more cautious I am in thinking of what our relationship will be, if anything, and where our relationship might take us, if anywhere...

I'll give him his time, and then, if everything goes like I dream for it to go, soon I will get mine!