As If

"If it's still in your mind, it is still in your heart." ~ Paulo Coelho

I remember my grandmother, one of the great loves of my life, always told me to, "Act as if..." She, who lived to her 92nd birthday (yes, she was born and died in the same month, on the same day!), when looking back on her life, said that she had no regrets. No regrets? How can that be? But I know it can, because my father, her son, was the same way. A life lived with no regrets.

But my grandmother, who knew me inside and out, understood that I was not like her, nor my father, in their outlook on life, for I had all kinds of regrets, what ifs, and doubts. All of these "negative" beliefs about myself frustrated her to no end (and I can still hear a, "damn it, L" from her regarding my lack of belief in me!). I think that is why my grandmother was always saying to me, "L, you are smart, pretty and have the ability to lose your shyness, but if you don't feel it, then just "act as if" you are all of that!" She would continue to encourage me, "Acting 'as if' you are everything you want to be, or have, will eventually allow you to feel and believe that you are, and then, you will be!"

My grandmother tried to let me in on what she called "a little secret." And the, "little secret" that she wanted me to know was: that none of the other people who I came across in my life were any better than me; not smarter, not prettier, not more confident. She said, they may seem that way to me, and that they might even feel that way themselves, but it was only because they had spent their life acting "as if" they were all of those things. Again, she told me, if I began to "act as if" I, too, were every bit as smart, or pretty, or confident, that I would begin to find that I was smart and pretty and confident. 

I don't know if my grandmother believed, "she was all that" (she often thought that if she had wanted to, she could have been a famous Hollywood actress!) because that was just the nature of her personality or, if she knew all of which she said to me to be true, because she, herself, had "acted as if" her whole life! But whatever the case, she knew she was beautiful , smart, confident, etc. If she had herself, "acted as if," then she did so brilliantly because, I'm not sure I've ever come across someone who truly loved themselves more than she - and I mean that with the greatest respect, because if you can't first love yourself, then being able to love others, to give of yourself to others, is no easy task. 

I am bringing up my grandmother's conversation with me, now, on believing, on "acting as if" something be one way, even if I feel it is another, if I have doubts, because that is exactly what I have decided I must do in regards to making my dreams manifest. 

C. had come in and out of the picture over this past year as being my sperm donor, but he had finally made the full-fledged commitment to do so in February. I didn't mention that, that he had committed to being the father of my child (or children) because he had let me down enough times before, that I was taking the, "I'll believe it when I see it" approach (although I must say with the highest of expectations!). But, after our last "falling out" I decided that I was just going to take my grandmother's advice: I was going to, "act as if!" 

I was just going to "act as if" everything were still on "schedule" for me to become pregnant. I was going to keep on doing my knee "workouts" with the full expectation that if I weren't going to be having sex with C. then I was going to be having it with someone else! "Acting as if" I was still going to have a baby from my own eggs, at whatever age, was going to happen, so I would still keep going to my acupuncturist, still chug down my "green powder" drink, still take all my supplements, still follow my doctor's advice on using the progesterone cream, still do everything I had been doing - simply "acting as if" everything - all my dreams - despite my major set-back with C., was still perfectly in motion. 

C. or not C., (this or something better!) I was still going to fall in love with a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, get married, have my own biological children (although not sure about the order of which would come first!) and, basically, have all my dreams manifest. I was going to, am going to, "act as if" my dreaming miracles journey, will have its happy ending. 

The story continues, but the ending has already been decided... happily ever after...

Soul Love

"When suffering comes, we yearn for some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one." ~ Mignon McLaughlin

So, if you read my response to C.'s email in my previous post, you know that I was completely shocked, mad and saddened. Nothing he had said or done previously (except the recent, small thing of stopping his normal sign off of "Yours, C." or "Y., C.") prepared me at all for what he threw at me! It felt like, the old cliche: a knife in the back!

But, in the end, what I said was/is true. I still feel hurt, upset, sad, frustrated, but I’m not mad at C. And, like I said, not being mad a him and still being able to offer him my love, well, that just comes from my soul, not the human part of me... that soul part of me just does not know any other way... it  loves C. just as he is, no matter what (and, yes, it is very hard to comprehend!).

And it was that soul part of myself that reminded me of exactly what I needed to know and feel to begin healing once again from C.'s wounds. Because as you may recall, I had been through this with C. before, back in January, when he gave me his "final" break-up by choosing his childhood love over me (though at that time, even if I didn't believe he would choose her, I was at least aware that possibility could exist, unlike this time, when I was taken wholly unawares!).

And what my soul felt then, what I had said, was, "I value myself too much to ever be anyone's second choice and it feels good to be free to be someone else's first." I have always said that I have never wanted to try to make Mr. Wrong be Mr. Right; only desiring that I find Mr. Right and he be... Right!

In light of that, knowing that I don't want the wrong person in my life, what other option is there, at this point, than for me to believe that C. is not the right guy, and for me to continue to believe the "right" guy is still coming to me; that I will still find him? Or, he me?

I had said, in my first response to C. upon reading his completely, out-of-the-fucking-blue, final, final break-up letter, that I deserved to see him, to have him look me in the eyes and say what he had to say, but I don’t want that anymore.

I don’t want to see him. I know if I were to see him, I would want him to want me as much as I wanted him. I would want for us to feel complete happiness at coming together, fully and beautifully, and that’s not how he feels, where he’s coming from, so it wouldn’t happen like I’ve dreamed of it for so, so long.

To see him would just be one big disappointment that I now want to avoid. I still want to give him his gifts, but I won’t be doing it in person; it would just purely break my heart...

So, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what, if anything, plays out regarding the gifts, and regarding whether or not I wish to remain friends with C., or he with me... 

Yes, this story continues, broken-heart and all...


*Addendum: C. is in my "Intuition" journal - future-wise - so, either I'm wrong on what exactly I have written regarding him, or I'm not. As it all appears now I've definitely got something wrong! But, I am like a kindergartener when it comes to being "intuitive," so, I probably shouldn't be surprised at being "wrong" (if I am... and as things are now, that certainly seems to be the case!). But only time will tell why I wrote what I wrote in that journal, and how, why, or what, it could possibly mean.

Trouble in Paradise

"For every failure, there's an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour." ~ Mary Kay Ash

What has happened I don't know how to comprehend, but somehow, I have been been lost in paradise... 

Subject: I'm so sorry

From: C
To: L

Dear L., I'm so sorry to be sending you this email rather than seeing you in _________ in person.  I've been thinking.  

It seems to me that our attraction to each other has become increasingly sexual and lustful, rather than based on love and emotion as it should be if it is going to last.  You have done nothing wrong, but it seems to me that rather serious differences on some pretty basic matters have surfaced.  I am the last person I know to find fault with anyone's opinions, but I hear warning bells going off laud and clear.  These two considerations together give me serious pause to continue. So ...

I will not, because I cannot in good conscience, come to _________ ... to conceive with you a child, with what I see as the clouded prospects for us personally.  Secondly, with great regret and pain, I withdraw the implied  or expressed promises I have made over the past year ... because I think it is in the best interest of both of us to do so.  I am leaving here shortly to make a trip for a couple of weeks, during which no one will be able to contact me.  After that, it is my present intention to get to _________, find an apartment, and get ready for the fall.  I may change my mind, however, because I have not yet been able to get rid of all the crap in my mind.  I alternate between steeling myself to get on with my life to just being a bum for a while.  I'm still screwed up and I know it better than anyone.  

I am extremely aware of how much I owe you for your comfort and support during this past year, and six months ago when I was involuntarily extended I would have gone off the deep end without your caring.  No one else was close enough to know what I was feeling, and I was not about to share.  

If you have not stopped reading before now, please let me assure you that I did not get to this place lightly, and I am not about to change my mind.  You have had enough disappointments from me.  After whatever reaction you experience from this email, I shall understand whatever your response may be.  I wish you well and hope that your adjustment be quick.  

I shall never forget you.  

C.

And here you can read my response to this turn of events!!!

Strange

"The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances. If anything happens, both are changed." 
~ C. G. Jung

Something strange has happened. I had been receiving emails fairly regularly from C. since he's been at his island "getaway" - now in his second week. But, all of the sudden, I have noticed that he has stopped writing, "Yours, C." or "Y., C."

Of course I noticed it right away the first time it happened! It was like spotting an elephant trying to get into a telephone booth!

So, as I said, it seemed so strange for him to suddenly do such a thing in his most recent correspondences with me. After all, he has been ending his emails to me in just that way, "Yours, C." or "Y., C." ever since the second time he wrote me, so very long ago.

I think a lot (especially in regards to C.!), and viewed it as being something possibly meaningful (in a negative way!) because, I first think of C.'s gift of intelligence, and following close behind, I think of his talent as a poet (and, yes, I do consider him to be extraordinary as a poet!), and it tends to be ingrained in poets to chose and make use of their words carefully. Poets will use a word to get the most meaning out of it, or at times omit a word for the same reason.

So, I am sure that because I do think of C. as a poet, I think of his choice of words having more meaning to them than someone who is not gifted in that realm, and because of that, the omission of the use of a term of endearment that he had been using in his emails, to sign off, since that second time he ever wrote me, so basically, for ALL of these 15 months, that yeah, it did seem strange, and I was unsure of how to take it.

So, I asked him why he hadn't been signing his last couple of emails to me with a, "Yours, C." or "Y., C.?" In my email I wrote, "It seems strange... I am so used to knowing (and loving) that gesture that means so much to me... "

And he wrote me back, "Dear L., You are  reading too much in the tea leaves.  :-) "

So, now I'm just left wondering; having to trust that I don't need to be worrying about it. I mean, we're still writing each other as we always have, talking about everything under the sun, as is our norm!

And actually, because now his time is his own, and he has more of it to spend thinking, we have been talking at length  on philosophy and theology, more about matters of faith and belief systems; about God and how He plays (or does not, play) a role in our lives, etc. 

It's the kind of conversations that I like, and I told him, I hadn't had to use my brain as much as he has made me, since my father died eight years ago! My father had so often challenged my brain!

I told C. I felt like I was thinking at a snails pace (and quite possibly at snails level!). But he has been generous in telling me of his appreciation for my "skills," writing, " You know how to think.  It does not matter whether or not I agree with you. Your very provocative arguments deserve a thoughtful response, and I shall give it as soon as I can think and put thoughts into words." And he did give me his response, which, of course, I have been made to think even more deeply upon!

So, yes, our "verbal tennis," as he calls it, has not only been challenging, but fun for me. Like I have said, it's what I need!

Funny and Sad

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." ~ Robert Brault

Well, this is a post I would just as soon avoid like the plague, but when you write a blog about your life  you sometimes have to reveal things in which you might rather keep private. But when the subject has to do with a particular part of your life, and that part of your life has to do with the ups and downs of that life, especially as it relates to the dreams I intend to attain, then there is nowhere to hide! There is no way to avoid what you must say. I have to be honest, even if it gives me the feeling of angst to do so.

So, on that note, I will start by saying that C. has now finished his deployment, has returned to the U.S. and, unfortunately for me, though not unexpected, because I knew of his plans, he has gone off to St. Maarten island to be alone and think about his future.

It's beyond the realm of frustration to know that he was so close (and still compared to the Middle East isn't that far!) and yet he didn't come back here, but rather to his parents for a few days (because they live quite close to D.C. where he had to get everything squared away), before he left for his island getaway!

And the last six months, when his deployment was involuntarily extended, I sensed, and he finally admitted, as the months wore on, that he was depressed and at his breaking point. By April he started dreaming of going away to the island with me, but by June, he felt like he would be no good to me until he had time alone to recuperate, to get back some of his soul that the military had almost completely taken from him. I knew he was broken and as hard as it was to do, I encouraged him to go there to be alone. I felt that he would come back better, renewed, refreshed and made whole again.

So that is where he is. He has been there for just about a two weeks. I'm trying to give him as much "space" as I can but it is hard. I do feel such great joy to look forward to and can't wait for the day when he either comes to get me, or says he's on his way home!

But why I'm writing of C. now is because, well, now that we soon may come together - in every way - I have realized that I am completely not ready for finally having sex with him. And it is by no means that I am not absolutely, positively ready to have sex with him, but just a part of me isn't: my knee!

For all these long months - it's been 15 months since we first became acquainted - all that has been possible, in relation to s-e-x has been fantasy! There was no way for reality to enter in the picture until he returned!

But the thing is, in my fantasy sex-life with him, my knee never gave me any problem! I was like an Olympic gymnast - flexible as hell! I can't believe that I never even remotely gave one iota of thought to my knee (remember I have had three surgeries on it in the past two years!) being anything but, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! 

Yes, I did physical therapy to get my knee back to being able to walk normally and have no pain going about my everyday life, but I had never done anything that overextended it.

So now comes the reality! Out of the blue, I had the thought that pretty soon I was no longer going to be having fantasy sex, it was going to be the real deal, you know, "get down and get back up again" kind of sex, and as soon as I realized that, I realized that my knee might not be in the "no pain zone" that it had always been in during fantasy time. And I was pretty sure, that soon enough, I was going to be overextending it!

And that's when I decided that I needed to test the reality of what my knee would feel like during sex! And let me just tell you, after I did my little test "work out," it swelled and hurt so much that I had to go get ice packs to give it relief! Good, grief, I thought, I've got to get my knee on a two-a-day work-out regimen! And that's exactly what I've been doing, sore knee, ice packs and all! But, I have to say, that it is coming along and getting much better at what it needs to be able to do ; )

The two-a-day, knee work-out regimen is the funny part of this post, now onto the sad part... and the sad part is really sad to me. The part that I wish I didn't have to reveal, but I think it is too big a part of who I am and what my story is, to the point that I feel I have to!

So, what I sadly have to reveal, is that I haven't had sex in eight years! None, zip, nada! I haven't even been touched intimately in all that time. The only thing that I have had is, one chaste kiss from my ex-wished-he-would-have-called-me-his-girlfriend-but-never-did, H.B., when he said goodbye to me as I was leaving the town I had lived in for ten years to move back here.

Pretty sad, right? But, at least that last time was memorable: a one night stand with a super nice, hotty, whom I met when I was traveling on my own in Australia, and stopped in a beautiful town, called Byron Bay. But time flies, and things pass by, and being sick these past three years, hasn't helped my prospecting!

But I can't place blame on my illness because the fact is, I hardly ever have had much sex. And it's not because I am not a totally sex-fueled woman - I'm ready to ignite at one hot look from a cute guy - it's just that I need the whole package, even for the rarity of a one night stand (which has never really been a part of who I am). And the whole package to me is to have a physical attraction and a mental attraction.

I think that's my problem really, with guys; I'm too mental. I don't necessarily think of myself as being so smart, but I have always needed to be mentally stimulated. I have always needed the challenge of a guy's brain forcing me to think, no matter what the topic, to the point of stretching my mental abilities.

I even remember H.B.'s mother telling me, when I asked, what she thought the reason was as to why her son and I didn't work out, she replied that she thought I intimidated him - mentally - and it wasn't because he didn't have smarts about him, it's just that he, nor very few guys I've meet, want to dive to the depths of thoughts, ideas and creative thinking that I desire to; that I need....

So, yeah, there you have it, the funny: sex workouts for my knee. And the sad: not having had sex, that physical intimacy, in so very long a time...

I am assuming my fortunes are about to change, but one thing I have learned about C. (and the reason why I have not written much about the renewal of our relationship since it occurred back in February) is that the more I feel I know of him and desire him, the more I feel vulnerable to the strength of my feelings, and the more cautious I am in thinking of what our relationship will be, if anything, and where our relationship might take us, if anywhere...

I'll give him his time, and then, if everything goes like I dream for it to go, soon I will get mine!

July 12th

"Some love lasts a lifetime. True love lasts forever." ~ Unknown

Today marks a day when, many, many years ago, a small part of Greatness came into the world... my father was born... and four days from today, July 16th, will mark eight years since that small part of Greatness left the world, making it just a shade more diminished... 

My father wouldn't feel like his leaving diminished the world in anyway. He, the eternal optimist, always said, it isn't that the world is getting worse, it's just that with today's technology we are more easily made aware of the worse parts of it. He believed the world was becoming better, always moving towards better...

It is a wonderful feeling to have had a father, that no matter how long the passing of time, it will never take away the heart's longing to hear his uproariously loud laugh and feel his all-encompassing, filled-with-the-light-of-a-thousand suns hugs... 

My father came into the world with no fanfare and he left it, with little more, but his spirit strongly lives on in the heart of the girl he taught, to dream in miracles...

Trusting

"Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity." ~ Kahlil Gibran

I wrote in the previous post that I had a dichotomy on my hands regarding being able to go to a music festival at the end of March, 2014, because my intuition was "telling" me that I would get pregnant in October, and thus be too pregnant to attend.

Well, now things are even somewhat more interesting because after re-reading my, "Intuition" Journal - a journal in which I write of any intuitive thoughts that come to me - there is no mention of me having any intuitive feeling that I would become pregnant in October!

All that I say in my Intuition Journal is, "And sometime before the end of 2013 I will get pregnant and have a healthy successful pregnancy and deliver a baby boy, possibly here in ________ sometime in 2014."

So, now I'm wondering where in the world did the idea that I would get pregnant in the month of October come from? I hadn't written of having that intuitive thought. I had written that I would get pregnant, but there was no month specified. And what I had written, and quoted above, was from my journal entry of January 21, 2013.

I guess somehow that thought of the actual month of conception being in October must have come in my mind from somewhere, at some point, but I can't recall when that was, just that it was... But the first time I have found any evidence of me having that intuitive belief - conceiving a baby in October - is from the actual post, "Dichotomy!"

So, the story continues... what will it be... how will things develop and when?

And the most amazing part of all of this to me, is that I am putting it ALL out there to you! Because I don't have a crystal ball... I'm telling you my deepest thoughts on certain matters, based on nothing more than a thought that popped into my head!

I'm as anxious to find out how the hell this is all going to come about just as much as you (and likely 1,000 times more!)!!! 

But, as I told you before, I've just decided I'm going where my intuition (the God within!) takes me, and I guess eventually I'll find out exactly where that is... and how much of it (my intuition) I have truly understood to be the "right," i.e., the "correct" interpretation...

I think this is a good point in time for me to remember, Steve Job's quote that most struck me, and has stayed so solidly in my mind throughout my time writing this blog. 

And what he said was, ""You can't connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something; your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever, because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference."

Yes, all the difference is exactly what I need... and I will continue the process, of telling the story, of how I am connecting my dots backwards... 

Dichotomy

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”  ~ Emily Dickinson

I think I have a dichotomy on my hands. I'm trying to understand it.

First, I really, really wanted to go to this three-day festival in Miami at the end of March, 2014, featuring electronic music. I had it in my head that when the "early bird" tickets went on sale around the first of November, of this year, I was going to get two. I had the idea fairly thought out, as in, I have a brother living in that area that I could stay with, so I wouldn't have to bother with hotel booking and prices. I'd need an airline ticket and, my brother's son might even let me use his car, but if not, a rental car.

So, I did get the tickets!!! I wondered about who I would want to take and that would buy the second ticket, but it was still so far away I didn't really need to think on that too hard.

Then, after having the excitement of buying the tickets and thinking of what a fun and great trip it would be, I had a big shock face me! Something that hadn't even entered my mind, in regards to attending the festival, came sharply into focus. And it was something that would, inevitably, not allow me the ability to go to the festival at all! And, of course, the thought only occurred immediately AFTER I HAD BOUGHT THE TICKETS!

Ugh, I thought, and I really began to try to understand why it had not entered my mind, why I had been "allowed" to purchase the tickets in the first place? Because, as I said, it was something that would ultimately cause me not to be able to go this anticipated event. I did not understand the dichotomy I was faced with!

And the "something" that would keep me from ending up partying in Miami in late March, was that I have "felt" that I would conceive a child this October! So, if my intuition is right, by March of 2014, I would be five months pregnant! I couldn't see me that far a long, in my first pregnancy, and at my age, going down to the heat and humidity of Miami to jump around to electronica music!!!

But, what I was trying to comprehend was, how this thought could have escaped my thinking of it? How could my intuition have failed me? I mean, if I thought that my intuition was strong (and correct!) that I would conceive a child in October, why did my mind not alert me to that fact, and keep me from buying the tickets, knowing that I wouldn't be able to attend the festival in my pregnant state?

I had to recall that in the post, My Cycle, I wrote that I had a "cross roads" moment regarding my intuitive abilities. I explained the high-stakes I felt in believing something, or not; about either doubting my inner-wisdom forever or, knowing from that point on, not to doubt myself, not to doubt what my instincts were, nor where they were leading me. I had written that I had followed my intuition, with nothing but the pureness of faith, and I explained, because my intuition had proved correct, that "I had won - in so many ways - I had won!"

I had felt then, that my 'cross roads' moment was behind me, and I had written, "I could now completely trust my intuition and the 'signs' I felt I was always getting that were leading me in the direction of my dreams!"

So, the dichotomy is, that on the one hand, I bought tickets to a music festival which I strongly desired to attend, without any intuition telling me not to do so, which, ultimately, as it turns out, is against what my intuition has been leading me to believe: that I will get pregnant in October (and mind you, I still don't have a donor absolutely, positively lined up yet!) and thus not be able to attend the event at the end of March, 2014. 

But, like I said, in my, Cycles, post, I explained that from then on, I would trust and follow what my intuition was "telling" me, where it was "leading" me. And I am. Based purely on what my intuition is "pressing" at me to know, I will get pregnant in October. 

Now, I have to understand why I didn't hear any "voices" telling me not to spend the money and buy the festival tickets, if in fact, I would not be able to attend the event based on the strong "feeling" that I would conceive a child in October. I've thought a lot about it. Why, it would seem, that I had been "lead astray?"

And I have just decided that, somehow, someway, I have not been led astray. That there is a purpose for me to have bought the tickets, that I will not be able to attend the festival due to being pregnant, but that somehow, come the end of March, 2014, I will know the answer as to the why of this dichotomy.