What's Been Going On...

"If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right." ~ Mary Kay Ash

I did want to tell of what has been happening regarding my health issues. I met with the OBGYN on the Monday morning after my Surgeon's visit on Friday. My Surgeon had set up the appointment while at her office on Friday - which I thought was pretty quick to get in to see him (or her!) since I was a new patient of both of them. And, remember, it was my very first OBGYN visit - ever!.

At my OBGYN appointment he looked over the ultrasound results of my hemorrhagic cyst and said that he would not need to operate, but that because I would need the operation done on my hernia, he would coordinate with my surgeon so that he could be there to take a look at it. So, the only time they could make their schedules work together was late May. I am now scheduled for that procedure on May 29th (my mom's 83rd birthday!)

First, let me say that nearly a year ago I had asked my general practice doctor, Dr. M., who, knowing what my goal was - that I wanted to get pregnant and have a biological child of my own at such a late age - what OBGYN she might refer me to who would have empathy - an understanding - towards my trying to attain my dreams and who not only would avoid talking negatively to me, but, most importantly, be encouraging of my deeply held desire?

She had thought on it then and had told me this particular doctors name (although I never ended up going to him until now - when I had to!). I had asked her why she felt he would be the right OBGYN for me and she replied simply, "Because I know that he is a man of faith, so believing in miracles may be more likely to be in the realm of his thinking."

I have been blessed over these past, three plus, years to have put together what I considered an amazing team - Primary Care doctor, counselor, chiropractor, acupuncturist, neuropsychiatrist, Biofeedback Specialist, Naturopathic doctor, cranial-sacral therapist - because each one of these specialized health practitioners - even though I went to many of them originally concerning my chronic nausea - once I shared with them my hopes and dreams for having a biological child of my own, ever spoke negatively to me about my dreams, never gave me anything but the best they could provide to keep my dreams alive, for as long as possible, in the hopes of helping me attain what they knew to be my heart's desire.

Even the doctor at the clinic in Chicago who, at least at that time - 2009 - was the only fertility specialist, who I could locate in the whole country, that would take on a patient as old as me - just two weeks shy of my 46th birthday - to retrieve eggs for freezing, albeit with the dutiful obligation of telling me the likely dismal statistical outcome of such an endeavor, and that I would be lucky to have even one or two viable eggs retrieved.

But after stating to him my understanding of the undertaking, the high costs and the quoted, 1% odds of success, I simply told him, with the clarity of someone who had been to the future and had come back to report on it (though, of course, at the time, it was just simple, pure chutzpah on my part... and I say, "at the time" because what I have come to learn about myself in these past few years is that, what I had deemed, at times, to be my deceptively "bold courage" and vivid imagination, has more often turned out to be more like "visions" of the possible), that I would be in that 1%! 

He laughed at my audacity, but never said anything other than he would do his best for me... and he did... he retrieved six mature eggs, two immature ones, and the one that was near and dear to my heart, a germinal vessel cell (my vision - looking out into the future - of what that type of cell could one day possibly allow for.  I remember, just before the anesthesiologist put the mask over my nose and mouth, asking the doctor to make sure he retrieved any germinal vessel cells. At that last moment, he questioned why I would want him to retrieve something that wasn't viable and I told him firmly, "Just do it! It may not seem viable now, but my vision goes far beyond this moment." And I heard him reply back, "If you have a baby from a germinal vessel cell at your age, I'll write a paper for  the Journal of Medicine!" "Promise me you'll do it?" were my last words, and before I drifted off to the place of non-remembrance, I heard him say, "I promise, if I can get them, I will." And he did.

However, getting back to the nearer present, more occurred during my recent (and first!) OBGYN visit.

First, the good news: I had asked my GP, Dr. M., to send to him my most recent hormone levels (she had told me they were better than the last time I had them checked - she checks them pretty regularly - but I wanted the OBGYN to explain them in baby-making terms! So, he looked over my hormone levels and said they looked good. He told me, "With your hormone levels as they are you are capable of getting pregnant. That isn't to say you will get pregnant, but that there isn't anything to say you couldn't." I didn't say, "Wow!" out loud, but, believe me, that is how I felt! 

All I'm trying to do is stay "in the game" for as long as I possibly can, and having him telling me I am capable of getting pregnant at 49 1/2 years old is still being "in the game!" He also re-affirmed, as my neuropsychiatrist had told me, that, yes, I probably did not have my last period because of the high level of steroids that were pumped into my system when I had my anaphylactic shock ER visit, and the steroids I was on for the week following, as that would definitely have thrown all of more hormones completely out of whack. I have to say, that was a relief for me to hear, as I had yet to have another period and I did not know where I was in my cycle.*

Then, the not so good news: he did a breast examination and found a lot of cyst in both my right and left breasts. 

I wrote in a post entry around August of last year that I was having pain in my right breast so I had a mammogram and sonogram done. They showed that I had more than ten cysts in each breast of varying sizes, one in the right breast being of the most concern - it was bigger and had unknown particles floating inside it and fluid around it. So, I went back six months later - (I did take some herbs from my Chinese doctor, tried to be more consistent on my vitamin E intake (and doubled it) and just remained off caffeine (which I had gone off years ago) - to get an another ultrasound done of that more complicated cyst in my right breast. 

The ultrasound tech messed up (I even asked her if she was making a mistake and she said, no!) and took the ultrasound of my left breast.  So, of course she goes off to show it to the radiologist and he tells her it's the wrong breast, she was supposed to do the right one. So, when she comes back to tell me that, I'm not at all surprised. As a matter of fact, I was kind of glad she messed up (and maybe that's why didn't insist to her more that she was!) because I now knew from that ultrasound that all of the cysts in my left breast were gone - so good news there. Then after doing the right breast, and showing it to the radiologist, I was told that the one which was the "concerning" cyst had shrunk quite a bit in size, and all the others were gone, so that was good to hear, also, but they still wanted to keep monitoring that right breast cyst because of the unknown particles in it. The appointment was set for six months later (which will be in August and at that time they'll do another mammogram and ultrasound).

Anyway, getting back to the OBGYN he said he felt the cysts and he said he felt a lump, too. Good, grief, I thought, what the hell else do I need piled on top of my already seemingly over-whelming health issues?

So, that Thursday I did have my appointment with Dr. M. and I told her I wanted her to do the breast exam, too (I'm not good at doing them... I don't know what I'm feeling for - probably because I tend to have cysts and so I can never seem to tell what is okay or not! Really, they should do a breast exam class like they do CPR classes... get out a life size "dummy" and let the woman feel the breast of different dummies so that they can understand what feels like a cyst and is okay and what feels like a real lump that needs immediate attention!) She did do the breast exam, and she said she did feel all of the cysts, but that she didn't feel a lump. However, then, two weeks ago now, I was her last patient of the day and I think she was already running late for something, so I felt like she may have been in a hurry at the end. I'm going to ask her to do another exam of my breast at this Thursday's appointment so I can feel more assured of her findings.

So, to make a short story long (as I seem often to do!), if it's not one thing it seems like it's another, but it is also true, that with some bad news, came some good news. I guess, health-wise, I'm stalled (and probably that goes for my life in general), but being stalled sure as hell beats going backwards!

*I will talk on this more specifically in a following post.