Why?

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." ~ Thomas Jefferson

Most all of us have, at times, had great mental, or physical pain and suffering to the point where we finally ask God, "Why? Why, would you allow me to feel such misery without giving me the hope of relief, of release?!"

I am asking that question today and have been asking that question for going on three years now. It isn't, in the main, in regards to love or babies (or my lack thereof), but all about my illness - this, at times overwhelming, severe, chronic nausea that ceases to leave me!

If you've read this blog, then you know the story of how I lost over 45 pounds because I was too sick to eat; too sick to have my brain even tell me I was hungry, how I finally found an anti-nausea medicine - Zofran - that worked enough to give me the feeling of wanting to eat, to the point that I gained all of the weight back over time, and was able to experience a greater degree of functionality, of living life. But you'll also know that sometimes there come days when I just feel so ill that even that medicine can't put a dent in my feeling of wanting to throw-up - all day long! Today is one of those days.

Of course I don't write about all the days like I feel today (this blog would be a sad, boring tale if I did!), but I feel like I have to allow you to understand that nothing has changed, that I have still gotten no permanent relief from my severe nausea, and that I find it hard to even remember what feeling good is like.

I see no rhyme or reason in why some days I physically feel bad, versus the days when I feel even worse, so much so, that I believe I know exactly what death feels like!

I have good doctors trying to do their best to help me - doing this test and that, trying this drug and then another, but again, to no avail. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel - what a harsh, cruel punishment I feel like I have been dealt!

I beg God to let me learn whatever lesson it is that I am supposed to learn from this illness being so all-encomposing in my life, but I feel like He doesn't hear me, or if He does, I am just being ignored.

It is a hard spot He has put me in - to make me work so hard at being faith-filled in so many areas of my life - and when I have a day as ill as this day, a day like so many I have had over these last three years, where I feel no sense of hope for a different outcome, I wonder if I am truly up to His challenge.

My mind always tries to tell me to hold on, that things will change, that they will get better, but right now I feel my hand slipping from His grasp.