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"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." ~ Thomas Jefferson
Most all of us have, at times, had great mental, or physical pain and suffering to the point where we finally ask God, "Why? Why, would you allow me to feel such misery without giving me the hope of relief, of release?!"
I am asking that question today and have been asking that question for going on three years now. It isn't, in the main, in regards to love or babies (or my lack thereof), but all about my illness - this, at times overwhelming, severe, chronic nausea that ceases to leave me!
If you've read this blog, then you know the story of how I lost over 45 pounds because I was too sick to eat; too sick to have my brain even tell me I was hungry, how I finally found an anti-nausea medicine - Zofran - that worked enough to give me the feeling of wanting to eat, to the point that I gained all of the weight back over time, and was able to experience a greater degree of functionality, of living life. But you'll also know that sometimes there come days when I just feel so ill that even that medicine can't put a dent in my feeling of wanting to throw-up - all day long! Today is one of those days.
Of course I don't write about all the days like I feel today (this blog would be a sad, boring tale if I did!), but I feel like I have to allow you to understand that nothing has changed, that I have still gotten no permanent relief from my severe nausea, and that I find it hard to even remember what feeling good is like.
I see no rhyme or reason in why some days I physically feel bad, versus the days when I feel even worse, so much so, that I believe I know exactly what death feels like!
I have good doctors trying to do their best to help me - doing this test and that, trying this drug and then another, but again, to no avail. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel - what a harsh, cruel punishment I feel like I have been dealt!
I beg God to let me learn whatever lesson it is that I am supposed to learn from this illness being so all-encomposing in my life, but I feel like He doesn't hear me, or if He does, I am just being ignored.
It is a hard spot He has put me in - to make me work so hard at being faith-filled in so many areas of my life - and when I have a day as ill as this day, a day like so many I have had over these last three years, where I feel no sense of hope for a different outcome, I wonder if I am truly up to His challenge.
My mind always tries to tell me to hold on, that things will change, that they will get better, but right now I feel my hand slipping from His grasp.
"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting" ~ Palo Colhelo
Last month for the first time I didn't have a "real" period. My ovulation test stick showed a positive (smiley face) result on day eight, so I know that I probably ovulated on day ten. Then, once again I think I ovulated for a second time on day fourteen (just felt like I was). I thought I was going to start my period but I only had spotting and it happened for a few days twice during the month.
Anyway, it's frustrating, because, as I told my doctor today, I have no idea where I am in my cycle right now (although I felt an achiness in my right ovary two days ago which under "normal" conditions would be my clue that I was ovulating). My doctor just told me to see how things turned out this month (if I have a solid period) and we would take things from there.
So, now I guess I just wait for the next two weeks and hope that I get that notice that says, yes, you are still making those precursors to the miracle of life - eggs!
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." ~ Paul Boese
Well, it took just under three weeks and this happened. I don't know what to say, so I won't try...
"Of all the attitudes we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life-changing." ~ Zig Ziglar
I had written in an earlier post about the cysts that I had on my right and left ovaries and the "mass" (which turned out to be a large fibroid) in my uterus and that although nothing was cancerous (what a relief!) I had to go back in four weeks to get another pelvic ultrasound done to make sure everything was okay.
Well, I just wanted to give an update on all of that and to say that the results of this latest ultrasound showed that all the cysts and the fibroid were completely gone! I don't know if it was the two different Chinese herbs my Chinese acupuncturist gave me to take to get rid of them, or if it was that, plus a miracle, but whatever it was, they are all gone and I am all good (at least in that area!)!
I do so love good news!!!
