Destiny's Child

When I've considered whether or not I have a sense of fate or destiny about having a child of my own I've decided that I must. Writing this blog, I think, is a testament to my faith that I will end up being a mother. It doesn't mean that everything will go exactly as I plan, but that there is a reason that I am planning it.

I always thought that I was meant to have kids. I wanted five boys! I had names picked out since I was around fourteen. Over the years, two of those names have stayed firmly with my thoughts - one a boy’s name, one a girls.

The closer I got to forty, the more hopeless I felt about my chances, not just because who knows what your fertility is like at that age, but also, that I’ve never been one of those girls that’s really had boyfriends. It seems like it’s always been either I liked the guy and he didn’t like me, or the guy liked me and I wasn’t into him.

I wanted the traditional you find a guy, fall in love, get married and have children scenario, but I wasn’t finding the guy and I just kept getting older and it kept feeling more hopeless.

Then in late 2007 a shift took place. Not exactly sure why then. I was just about to turn forty-four. My inner-voice, for the first time in a long time, became nice to me and strong and sure. When I tried to doubt; that voice said not to. When I said, how; it said have faith. I’m following my inner-voice mostly because it feels like I have nothing to lose and something to gain and, like I said, it is positive and strong.

A year or so ago I did this guided imagery exercise whereby, you get into a meditative state and you kind of channel if there is a child out there for you. It was a little strange, but I was open to trying it at least for a few different times. When I went through the process I had the “feeling” of a girl and then fainter (as if less assertive than the girl) was a boy. I have no idea if all the meditative exercise did was make me imagine what I wanted to be the case, or if it came from a deeper intuitive place.

I also did a Tarot card reading regarding whether I would have a child of my own and the “answer” of the reading was an unequivocal (to my way of understanding Tarot) “yes.” Do I believe in Tarot cards? I have no idea! But when my story comes to its end I will know. If Tarot does work as a means of picking up on intuitive energy, I will have a baby. On the other hand, if I don’t have a baby, I will permanently believe Tarot is nothing but cards with interesting pictures on them!