What I Learned in the Big City

I'm back from my short getaway to the big city and although nothing earth-shattering happened it was great to eat trendy food in trendy restaurants and drink hip drinks in hip bars. And I learned a few things that might be important for me attaining a successful relationship in the future.

My first lesson came when I went to one of those beautiful-people malls to peruse the kind of upscale stores that you only find in big cities or resort towns. While there I passed an Apple store and thought I'd check out what all the fuss is regarding the Apple iPad. After I put my name on the list to get a demonstration I looked up and found an interesting guy looking at me. Interesting as in, he had pretty green eyes, brown bed-head hair and a good five o'clock shadow a couple hours before five o'clock. Oh, and he was carrying a backpack but seemed about forty years old.

So what do I do when I look up and see a cute guy looking at me? I leave. I didn't leave the store, but I moved to another part of it. I think I just felt caught off guard; I wasn't expecting someone to be looking at me! Anyway, after a moment I thought, "What the hell am I doing? What I should have done is smile at him and say hello!" So, I kinda go back over in his direction but by that time the moment was kind of over.

I really don't even know what the guy was thinking about me, who knows, maybe I had something on my face, but what it shows me is that I'm not taking advantage, or even practicing, when I do find myself given an opening. Note to self: be more AWARE! And as a side note, I have to say, that the Apple store seems like a good place to check out guys - the store was hopping, at like, two in the afternoon, and I'd say that 90% of the people in there were men.

The second lesson I probably need to consider was given to me by my sister's friend who told me, while sipping cocktails at the W Hotel, that I should really give Match.com a try.

I've never tried Match because one time a friend, who uses it, was explaining how she looks up ex-boyfriends, people from high school etc. to see if they're on. Well, it kind of freaked me out that people can cyber-stalk you there. I don't know, it just seemed weird to me and turned me off. But this friend of my sisters said that she's been on it for many years and had met some nice guys though none had panned out until a year ago when she met a guy who she is really happy with.

Anyway, her point to me is that I shouldn't care what other people think about me. I shouldn't care about what they know, or think they know about me. I should just be open to trying whatever it takes when it comes to finding love. And that is so true. When I delve into the psychology of me I find so many things that stop me from being free to just be myself.

It's kind of strange because on the one hand, I'm very independent-minded and have a pretty free-spirited kind of personality, and on the other hand, I care what people think about me. I feel an "ugh" moment coming on. Ugh.

Getaway

Going off to a big city for the next few days. Excited to be doing something different and doing it in a place where there's lots and lots of single people. Yay!

Destiny's Child

When I've considered whether or not I have a sense of fate or destiny about having a child of my own I've decided that I must. Writing this blog, I think, is a testament to my faith that I will end up being a mother. It doesn't mean that everything will go exactly as I plan, but that there is a reason that I am planning it.

I always thought that I was meant to have kids. I wanted five boys! I had names picked out since I was around fourteen. Over the years, two of those names have stayed firmly with my thoughts - one a boy’s name, one a girls.

The closer I got to forty, the more hopeless I felt about my chances, not just because who knows what your fertility is like at that age, but also, that I’ve never been one of those girls that’s really had boyfriends. It seems like it’s always been either I liked the guy and he didn’t like me, or the guy liked me and I wasn’t into him.

I wanted the traditional you find a guy, fall in love, get married and have children scenario, but I wasn’t finding the guy and I just kept getting older and it kept feeling more hopeless.

Then in late 2007 a shift took place. Not exactly sure why then. I was just about to turn forty-four. My inner-voice, for the first time in a long time, became nice to me and strong and sure. When I tried to doubt; that voice said not to. When I said, how; it said have faith. I’m following my inner-voice mostly because it feels like I have nothing to lose and something to gain and, like I said, it is positive and strong.

A year or so ago I did this guided imagery exercise whereby, you get into a meditative state and you kind of channel if there is a child out there for you. It was a little strange, but I was open to trying it at least for a few different times. When I went through the process I had the “feeling” of a girl and then fainter (as if less assertive than the girl) was a boy. I have no idea if all the meditative exercise did was make me imagine what I wanted to be the case, or if it came from a deeper intuitive place.

I also did a Tarot card reading regarding whether I would have a child of my own and the “answer” of the reading was an unequivocal (to my way of understanding Tarot) “yes.” Do I believe in Tarot cards? I have no idea! But when my story comes to its end I will know. If Tarot does work as a means of picking up on intuitive energy, I will have a baby. On the other hand, if I don’t have a baby, I will permanently believe Tarot is nothing but cards with interesting pictures on them!

Support

Although I am not yet blessed with being a mom over forty, I hope to be in the near future. But I am well aware of the stigma that mother's over 40 face which is one of the reasons I write my blog anonymously. I don't want to be made to feel like my dream of having a baby at 46 (or older!) is wrong when I know that it is right for me!

Having a supportive community to be able to go to where you feel normal being a mom over 40 is a gift being given by Angel La Liberte and her website, Flower Power Mom. Following is information on the campaign she is launching in support of mothers over 40.

‘CELEBRATING MOTHERHOOD AFTER 40’ CAMPAIGN LAUNCHES

Moms Speak Out At First Midlife Mother’s Day 2010 Tribute

In the first bid to dispel negative stereotypes of later life motherhood, Flower Power Mom (FPM)—the new website for women having children after 40—is launching “Celebrating Midlife Mother’s Day” from 19th April to Mother’s Day 2010. The three-week campaign was inspired by what FPM calls “a mother of an evolution” taking place around the world. In more countries, the number of older women having children is steadily climbing.

Read More.

Go to FPM Campaign Info Page.

Something Wonderful Happened... For Someone Else

My niece, who is twenty-six, just got engaged. My first thought upon hearing her good news was happiness for her. What an incredible feeling one must have watching the guy you are in love with get down on one knee, a diamond ring in hand, and the words, "Will you marry me?" come from his lips. If it's the real deal it will be the first and only time that scene will ever play out. Ah, what joy to experience a moment like that.

My second thought was a feeling of sadness for me.

There was a time, long ago, when I worked on visualizing things I wanted and one thing I really wanted was to be married. So I used to go through, in my minds-eye, a visualization of my wedding ceremony. I chose this song to be the processional for my bridesmaids. I'd listen to the song and visualize the girls walking down the aisle, flowers in hand, taking their place on the church's altar, awaiting my entrance. My niece and her sister were in the procession; my junior bridesmaids. They were twelve years old! And if that isn't enough my flower girl just got her driving learner's permit!

I guess I just experienced that pang of sadness for all the years that my dream has been in my heart and unrealized. I'm not sure what it's gonna take to get me where I want to be, but I know one thing for sure: I'm happy when other people get there.

Theme Song

Dreaming Miracles now has a theme song!