Okay, this is the deal, the likelihood of marriage for me is 26% according to Calculators Live Hmm.... that's actually higher statistical odds (in my favor!) than I thought I was up against - cool! So right off the bat I'm in a better position of attaining my dream of being married than I thought I was less than five minutes ago. I guess I thought that my odds of finding love and getting married at my age would be around 5%.
I am 46, female, never married, with no children. Ugh. I hate even writing that because it is so NOT the way I wanted my life to be. I was one of those little girls who played "house," was a momma to four or five baby dolls, and at age four planned my wedding with Henry*, the boy next door. I dreamed of being a homemaker. Yes, you read that right, a homemaker! I never wanted to have any other career but that of staying home and taking care of my husband and children.
I was on the cusp of that time, in the 70's and early 80's when we were leaving behind one societal expectation, the notion that a girl would, for the most part, be going off to college to attain her MRS degree, and heading swiftly toward a new expectation that she would be going to college to earn a degree in order to advance her own career objectives. For woman who needed to be liberated I'm sure it was liberating, for the few of us hold-outs, just dreaming of living the lives our mothers lived, it was nothing but a scary disappointment.
So at sixteen I was at odds with myself and my world. I was a beneficiary of Title IX which liberated, and continues to liberate, millions of women by providing opportunities (college athletic scholarship in my case) they otherwise might not have had.
But I was against women's liberation, or what I thought it was, because it seemed to me it was so much about not wanting the things I did. It seemed like it was about not wanting a husband, and not wanting to be taken care of, and not wanting a bunch of kids that would get in the way. I just wanted a family. I wanted to cook (and clean?) and provide a beautiful home life for my husband and kids. I just knew that that is what I would be good at - it was my perfect job.
If I want to give myself a positive spin (and I do!) about why I'm not married at the age of 46 I'd say that I'm just a late bloomer.
And now my life is going to change. Writing this post is a statement (A VERY BOLD ONE!). Why? Because I have begun the journey of dreaming miracles! I am dreaming into reality the miracle of not only meeting, falling in love, and marrying a guy who is in love with me as much as I am with him, but I am also dreaming into my life, getting pregnant by my as-yet-to-materialize husband and having a healthy baby (or babies!).
Today at the age of 46 I have no boyfriend. I believe that I truly only had the "title" of girlfriend once in my life when I was 25 years old (and that for only half a year). And yet, my past is not my future. My future is being created presently. It took me many years and many falls to stand and meet this moment in time. And though statistically I am up against long odds, it is my intention to beat them.
This is my journey. Let the dreaming of miracles commence!
*name changed
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