Testosterone!

"Do you believe in miracles? YES!" ~ Al Michaels 

A video with a lot of testosterone in it, but really worth the reminder... of knowing what's inside you - greatness! 

VD

"Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that." ~ Unknown Author

So, last Saturday, because I had no reason to remember February 14th as being a "special" day... I forgot all about that day being Valentine's Day.

I had driven an hour the night before to go visit my sister (the one that used to live a plane flight away but moved closer to "home") on Friday the 13th for a get-together she was having and then I had been invited to an afternoon big, BBQ party by some new friends of hers the next afternoon - Saturday.

The small town she lives in is quaint and is situated in such a nice locale it has become a small (expensive!) resort destination.

I had a really good time both the night before and at the afternoon BBQ - maybe a little too good of time. It was just a beautiful setting; lots to eat and drink, and new people to meet and talk to.

I'm sure I drank a little too much but by the time I got back to my sister's around 5 PM I certainly wasn't ready to call it a night... she was! She has to get up very early for her job and knows her limits. So, I ended up ditching her and going out on my own. It's an easy town to walk around from one restaurant or bar to another, but first I decided that I wanted to just go to a park and hang out, listen to some music and watch the day turn to night.

After about an hour I was hungry and ready for a drink. The closest place was an Italian restaurant. I walked from the park and crossed the street to go there. There was a line of people standing outside the restaurant's doors, but I just thought, it's a resort town on a Saturday night. I walked right past all of those waiting in line because, being so often by myself, I know that when there's a nice restaurant there is usually a nice bar attached to it and I could simply "belly up to it" and order a glass of wine and an appetizer - without the wait. So that's what I did.

I found an empty seat, inquired of the trendy, older lady sitting to the right of it if it were available, she indicated it was, and I sat down. That's the first time I really looked around and saw that every single person in the place was a part of a couple... not even groups of couples... just individual couples! At that moment the dim light in my head lit up and I was like, holy shit, it's Valentine's Day, the one - of two - most obnoxious nights of the year for me (the other being New Year's Eve!).

Those two nights - Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve - would be obnoxious to me even if I were a part of a couple, for crying out loud. I abhor them as night's to go out and "live it up." I have literally always said that even if I were married I would never go out to a "special" dinner on either of those nights. And it's not that I don't love going out to dinner, nor do I have anything against celebrating those holidays... I just wouldn't celebrate them on the days they occur! lol! Yeah, one more of me and my idiosyncrasies.

I guess it just goes back to my independent, anti-you-name-it nature! I mean, I could see going out with a boyfriend or husband on February 15th or January 2 to have a nice, intimate evening together and celebrate with food and drink, but I've practically sworn that I would never do it on the actual holiday!

I just wanted to sink my head down right then and there, but I had already ordered my wine and appetizer. I was just gonna have to "buck up." And I didn't even have my phone with me - I had left it at my sister's house - so I couldn't even try to ignore the "love" going on around me by peering at the latest goings on via Facebook or Twitter. I had to put my happy-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck face on.

I guess I put the right face on because the trendy, older lady sitting next to me started a conversation. I found out all about her, and how she had met the elderly gentleman partner with her (who I, at first, assumed was her husband). They had had a Fateful meeting a few years earlier. He had been visiting her town, with friends, and lived quite far away, but they struck up a conversation and, viola!, here they were staying in the resort town for the Valentine's weekend.

Since her gentleman friend was sitting on the other side of her - and it was Valentine's Day - I think she felt like she might be talking to me a little too much and needed to divert her attention back on him. Probably a smart move.

That left me once again yearning for my partner... my iPhone 6! I needed it! I missed it! lol!

But really, for the most part, I did surprisingly well for being the only single person (outside the waitstaff!) in the whole entire restaurant and bar combined!

As disgusted as I was to find myself out on Valentine's Day evening, I thought I was managing - and actually enjoying myself - pretty darn well. I wasn't going to let Valentine's Day ruin my plan of going out to some nice - and different places - just because I was all by myself. This was a mini-vacation weekend for me and I intended to enjoy it. So once I finished my wine and appetizer at that bar I was ready to go on to the next.

In my conversation earlier with the trendy, older woman I had asked her which of two particular spots she would choose if she were going to be wanting another cocktail and appetizer - which I most definitely was! - at a different place. She had recommended the resort restaurant and bar itself. Hmm... I thought, can I manage that? The actual resort hotel from which all these lovebirds were nesting? Well, I had heard it was a lovely place so, off I went.

The resort was lit up beautifully as I walked its vast grounds and made my way to the grand entrance. I was glad it was a long walk. I needed the fresh air for sobering purposes and to muster the confidence (no, the alchy I had to drink thus far was not enough) to walk into that expensive love-shack.

I made my way down a short hall - passing the restaurant - and went into the the doors to the bar, opened at the far end. The place was packed. At first I didn't even see an open chair at the bar, but I continued walking around it and noticed one free spot at the far corner. I asked the couple next to it if it were vacant. They cordially said, yes, that no one was seated there, and invited me to sit. I smiled at the nice-looking, 60ish gentleman and his slightly younger female companion, took my seat, and let out a small sigh of grief at not having my long fingers wrapped around my loving... iPhone!

As I said, I was at the back, side corner of the bar so the gentleman had actually been seated with his back to me and the woman was seated with her back to everyone else - she only had eyes for him - but was know squarely facing me, too. There was a man somewhere - it was hard to see from my vantage point - playing the piano and singing classic Valetiney Day songs.

I always introduce myself to people - bartenders and waiters included - when I'm seated next to them (if they look at all receptive... and sometimes even if they don't!) and I did so with this new couple.

"Hi," I said, "My name is L." The woman told me her name first and then introduced me to her man. Right from the get-go with this couple it was like God said, "L, I'm gonna give you a break here since it's St. Valentine's Day, you forgot about that fact, you're by yourself amongst all these loved-up couples, and you accidentally left the inanimate love-of-your-life back at your sisters. I'm going to set you up so your seated next to the kindest, loveliest couple at this entire hotel."

Yeah, I think that's pretty much what God said. And I really was blessed. This couple just couldn't have been nicer. They were interested in me and wanted to include me. Maybe I had mentioned to them how I had wandered out alone on the single person's night from hell and just said, fuck it, gonna make the best of it and there I was. I thought I was going to have a beer and another appetizer, but somehow when the bartender came over to see about the couples second round, the next thing I knew the gentleman was encouraging me to order my "special" drink... a Bombay Sapphire Dirty Martini - straight up - olives on the side.

When our drinks were brought to us I raised my glass to clink theirs and said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" I inquired about where they were from and then found out all about their relationship.

They lived about a five hour drive from the resort hotel. They had met on Match.com about four months earlier and the most obvious thing of all was that she seemed smitten. I didn't need to know that he was... looking at her, and talking to her, I didn't see anyway he couldn't be... counting his lucky stars. But when she looked at him, the way she looked at him, made me feel happy for both of them. I think she had kissed enough frogs to last a lifetime... and she had found her prince. He was a few years older than her, but I think she reveled in his self-assurance, the aura he had about him.

I had managed to pick out and order my appetizer which was quite delicious (and much needed) and kept up a nice conversation with this happy couple. I remember at one point - and by this time I found out where the guy was - the piano player started singing a song that the woman said she loved. There were plenty of people already on the small dance floor and I asked her if she liked dancing. She said she did. And then I think I practically pushed them out of their chairs to get out there and dance to this favorite song of hers.

When they came back they wanted to order one more round of drinks and asked if I wanted another, also. I did. I love a good martini... and the one I had was made excellently. They continued to include me - probably due to the perfect mixture of them being empathic and me being funny - and when they finished their drink it was time to bid them a fond farewell. And when the gentleman asked for his tab he told the bartender to include all of my tab on his. It was the sweetest of gestures.

Once again, I was surrounded by couples but this time I felt more alone. Ugh, the longing for the comfort of my iPhone was deep. But, I decided, the night was still early - about 11PM - and I thought I would like to have a glass of red wine. But when I ordered it I asked if I might have it in a "to-go" cup. I told the bartender that I wanted to take it outside where I saw there were chairs and a fire pit on a patio.

When I walked out into the cold night air toward the chairs around the fire pit, it was once again obvious that it's was all couples sitting around talking with each other, but I found an Adirondack chair a little further back and plopped myself in just trying to take in the feelings, sounds, and sights around me.

Shortly after I had sat, a "blue-collar" kinda guy came out to smoke a cigarette. He was by himself. It was the first time I had seen anyone (other than waitstaff) by themselves. He stood by the chair next to mine and I welcomed him to have a seat. I wasn't "interested" in him, just wanting him to know if he wanted to sit it was fine to do so, i.e., the seat was open.

I only talked to him briefly but I got his "story" and I felt a little sad for him.

He, like all the others, had come to the resort for a special Valentine's getaway. He was with his partner of six years, but he basically said he was completely miserable. And it didn't have anything to do with his partner per se. It had to do with the whole, wanting to please her aspect. He basically just was a simple guy. He said he liked hunting and fishing and being at home on his land. He gestured with his hand back at the resort just behind us and said it wasn't "him."

I think he was having a hard time knowing that he wanted to please a woman I'm sure he loved and yet sacrificing himself in the process. I commiserated and told him I was proud of him for getting out of his "comfort zone." It isn't easy I told him, but it's often needed and good. Hell, I thought, that's pretty much what my whole night was ending up being about!

He went back into find his sweetheart and I stayed out by the fire just thinking... about everything... life, hopes, dreams, fate... love...

Later, when I went back into the bar the piano man was still singing, but it was last call. I asked the bartender if I could order a glass of champagne - I told him my situation - that I was dumbfounded to find myself out on my "nightmare" night of the year - and I wanted to celebrate... me! I think he told me that they didn't serve champagne by the glass - though, in hindsight I don't know if I believe him. I told him fine, I'd buy a bottle.

I just wanted to spend money and do something completely special for me. He told me he'd have to go to the kitchen. I saw him leave the bar and go through the kitchen doors and when he came back he told me he couldn't serve me the champagne. He didn't come right out and say it, but I think the gist was that I was cut off from last call.

But even as he told me that, he brought out, and placed before me on the bar, a carton "to-go" box and said it was his gift to me. I opened the lid and inside was the most decadent looking chocolate lover's chocolate desert I had ever seen. Let me pay you for it, I said. No, he had replied, he wanted me to have it to as a little something to celebrate for my Valentine's Day.

With that, I paid for my one glass of wine, said my thank you's, and was ready to get back "home." I had actually survived going out on a Saturday Valentine's Day evening, with what felt like a teeming mass of lover's, all by myself...

For me, it wasn't just surviving... it was pure triumphing!

It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over...

"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it." ~ William James

Well, this is a very timely (read: extraordinarily-needed!), nice, little story...

h/t Sandy Robertson

Flakey Shakey Nothanky!

"You're time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." ~ Steve Jobs 

In my previous post I mentioned that T. the guy from this post and then this one came back in my life. Yeah, after a four year hiatus! And I didn't even understand what the hell happened with him the first time... four years ago!

Well, I said I'd put up a screenshot of our "conversation" via Facebook messaging... so here it follows...

So, yeah, I had a dilemma with T. On the one hand, I would have liked to get re-aquantied with him. I think he's a nice, cute, fun guy. But then there's the other hand, and that's when I have to add the word "flakey" to my description of T. 

He already had the one strike against him from his "flakeyness" four years ago and now he just had strike two. I mean, I had no problem with the fact that he might have already had plans when I asked him Wednesday night if he wanted to get together for a Happy Hour on Friday, my problem was with him saying, early Thursday morning, "I will let you know this evening." 

Well, I never heard from him Thursday evening, and I never heard from him throughout the day on Friday for him to give me any kind of answer to my invite. I finally heard from him Friday night around 7:45PM. And, truthfully, though it didn't factor into my overall view of T.'s "flakeyness," I thought it strange when he did write me, he asks how my Happy Hour was... as if I was just going to a Happy Hour and not that he were the particular reason that I would be going in the first place! I know I wrote, "I'll be down that way" but that meant somewhere near the bar, not at the freak'n bar (otherwise why would I have even said immediately after that, "but I'm up for suggestions").

I didn't write him back on his Friday night message. I had nothing to say! But then he writes again a few days later and at that point I thought, I need to tell him why I'm not interested in him but I can't just come out and say, "Dude, you are just way too super flakey for me!" I felt like telling someone, something like that, needed to be said in a personal conversation... especially in light of the fact that I haven't even seen him in like 15 years or more! So, I just did the best I could by giving him a true compliment and then telling him I was unsure of about him. Yes, there could be a million reasons that he might wonder what I was "unsure" about but I figured if he really wanted to know he could always ask... at that point, I probably would have felt like I could give him my real reason.

But the thing is, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but something very similar - at least my feelings toward it - happened with J. whom I wrote about in this post. I might as well show you the screenshot of that "convo." You see J. was supposed to be coming to my small get-together. He had been one of the first to RSVP and tell me he was looking forward to it... and then I get the following message from him...

You'll note that he must have known I wasn't too happy with his excuse for missing my party. I mean, I did feel like it was rude of him to have rsvp'd that he would be there and then write me - what I thought of as a lame excuse - two hours after my party had started that he couldn't make it. Otherwise, I'm assuming, he wouldn't have written me over a week later expressing some regret. 

At this point, I never wrote J. back. I just chalked him up to being too flakey (yeah, before my next flakey guy appeared!)! I mean, I could go into a lot of reasons why I thought J.'s excuse for missing my party - the party he said he would be at! - was rude, but really the only point that mattered to me was that his family mattered more! 

You see, if a guy really, really liked you then pretty much NOTHING (and certainly not a last minute invite to dinner with your parents!) would stop you from wanting to spend time with them, for doing whatever it takes to make them feel special; to let them know you care... sending a, I'm-so-sorry text two hours after you could have stopped by a party you said you were going to be at, well, that was writing on my wall that J. was not someone I could be romantically interested in, or that he wasn't interested in me that way, either. A friend? I need all the friends I can get, but anything more than that? Nope. Not with him. Period. 

I was telling someone my "flakey" guy stories and I just said to them that when you're in your 20's you can justify - in some positive light - all kinds of ways a guy "mistreats" you, but when you get to be my age... you just don't have the time to even want to figure them out. You just say, good guys... that someone - other than me! - can have the opportunity of wasting their time on! 

And, since we're seemingly on the subject of "whatever-happened-to?" I'll also say that even though G.G. came back into the "fold" after he had kinda backed his way out... I finally just couldn't take him any more. He was constantly calling me - at all hours - and he would just talk incessantly... most of the time it didn't seem like he was drinking alcohol - though sometimes it did! - but then I thought maybe it was him chewing tobacco that would make him seem to start a conversation normally and then be all "wally" by the time I had to end it. The thing is: G.G. was a guy I loved - I still love! - but damn, I just couldn't take anymore of him, either. 

I guess I was just striking out left, right, up and down. But there is some part of me that feels like the "Universe" is at least bringing me attractive, smart, creative, humorous guys... the only thing "It" is getting wrong is the flakey part. Like, my thought to the "Universe" is: bring me the positive guy I want... and let him be "grounded" in some stable, non-flakey way, please!  

I could give myself a little grief for being so picky about, what I call the, "flakey" behavior by these guys - I mean in some ways they do seem small slights - but I truly feel, that in the big picture, I need a guy that would think more about me. I've always said, I need someone who can bring something to my table... not take something off of it!