"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Well, I'm having my last ovulation of 2014 and once again it seems as if it is all just a waste.
I mean, I can work at keeping my fertility going as strong as it can be, but in the end, if I can't find a guy to have sex with when I'm ovulating I don't even get the chance of seeing if I could get pregnant.
I've never - not once in my entire life! - had the opportunity of trying to get pregnant! I've never had sex even close to when I was ovulating. Mostly because I hardly ever get to have sex (I didn't have sex then!). And why is that? Why is it that I hardly ever get the chance to have sex? I guess, in part, because I hardly ever meet a guy that I want to have sex with! And, yeah, that's just meet a guy... I didn't even say anything about a boyfriend... I don't even know what boyfriend is... my mind can hardly imagine the feeling and emotions that go along with having a boyfriend...
I'm just so frustrated right now... to the point of getting a bad attitude. I'm just tired of wanting something that I don't know how not to want! The longing has been with me so long that I don't know how to live without it. And I'm not even sure I'm supposed to live without it yet... I don't know much of anything anymore...
Six months ago it felt like it was "raining men" around me... now, once again, I feel like I'm in a drought...
Ugh, I just need some good weather!!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
Procedural
"Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." ~ African Proverb
Well, when I went in to see my OBGYN a month or so ago to talk about what I needed to have done for the HSG procedure to work, he told me that he would dilate me to open my cervix and then I could schedule the HSG. So, we looked at the calendar of when I had my last period, figured out when I should have my next period and I booked an appointment for about six days after that.
The plan was that I would go into his office and he would dilate me then set up the HSG at the local hospital's radiology department for the next day. The only thing was, I didn't have my period. Cycle day 28, 29, 30, 31 came and went... I was on cycle day 36 without my period starting when I went into the OBGYN's to have the dilation. I didn't know what to do... I didn't want him to know that I wasn't having a "normal" cycle... mostly because I just didn't want to deal with any negativity... not that I was positive that he would have said anything to deflate my hopes, but I just didn't even want to take the chance. It was a quandary situation for me... tell the truth and have possible negative response to listen to, or just lie and see if he wasn't an observant enough OBGYN to know where I was in my cycle! lol!
I went with the later. I lied. I told him I had my period six days prior to seeing him. He dilated me, everything went fine, and I was scheduled for the HSG the next afternoon. Oh, but I lied on top of the lie, too. I told him that I might (and gave some weird reason) not be able to make the HSG procedure the next afternoon. I then asked him how long the dilation would last if I were not able to have he procedure done as scheduled? He told me the dilation should last at least a week if not longer. I thought to ask that because I had decided - while in his waiting room - that I probably needed to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side before the HSG. Yeah, you read that right! A pregnancy test?
I mean, I absolutely felt like it would be pretty near close to an Immaculate Conception, but I thought since my period hadn't come and I had slept - note I did not say, had sex! - with a guy a few weeks prior I wasn't sure. Okay, and now you might be wondering, how could she NOT be sure?!!!
Well, you see, what happened was, I went over to some Tinder guy's house (which I had never done before!) and hung (read: got really drunk playing alchy drinking games... and, yes, I am very immature!!!) with his roommate and another friend of theirs. I pretty much told the guys when I got there that if I drank much of anything I'd probably have to sleep on the couch because they lived too far for me to drive home and they were fine with that.
I wasn't wanting to "hit" on any of them... and I really wasn't wanting any of them to "hit" on me... I just wanted to be hanging out with guys, doing things guys like to do... I'm a guys' type of girl!
And it was pretty cool because we were having fun and I didn't feel like any of them were "into" me (remember they're like 23-24 years old!). I liked that. Im very good at being a guy's friend. I'm less good in "other" situations. But, like I said, I did get too drunk to drive home (damn! drinking games are hardcore!). And though, when I woke up in this guy's bed the next morning, I was fairly certain - like 99.5% certain - that we did not have sex, I couldn't positively, absolutely say a 100% because of my high alcohol consumption (go ahead, judge me all you want, I am what I am!).
Yes, I felt fairly sure I would remember having sex, but I didn't remember calling my mom to tell her I wouldn't be home (remember I live with my mom!) - the guy reminded me I did that - so... that definitely made me feel like anything was possible! And no, or yes, I did not have my clothes on... (ugh, this is torture... I should skip over writing stuff like this!) when I woke up next to him. But my point is, .5% of me felt like I needed to be the rest of the 95.5% sure.*
So, the next morning - the day of my HSG - I took the pregnancy test. It said exactly what I thought it would say to someone in my situation... not named Virgin Mary, "No."
Later that day I got ready for my HSG - taking the pain med an hour before - went to the bathroom before leaving my house, and surprise, my period had started. I called the hospital to cancel the procedure and re-scheduled it for a week later.
I finally had the HSG done, it was no big deal, and everything was in perfect condition... and I suppose they cleaned out my "pipes" in the process.
But I do wonder if my OBGYN could tell I was lying. Like, could he tell when he was doing the dilation procedure that it seemed as if I were about to start my period? I'm still wondering about that!
And, if you should be wondering, no, I haven't done one fun guy thing since that night... which has now been like a month-and-a-half ago... I hardly ever do anything anytime!
*And, as a side note: my OV watch quit working so I had no idea where I was in my cycle when I didn't have sex that night... like, none. The biggest symptoms for me of ovulation happening are not, tender breasts or stringy cervical fluid - if I had to judge my ovulation by those symptoms I'd never know when I did! - but by whether I'm horny or not. That's all I could go by: horny, not horny. And that night I wasn't horny! TMI? : )
The plan was that I would go into his office and he would dilate me then set up the HSG at the local hospital's radiology department for the next day. The only thing was, I didn't have my period. Cycle day 28, 29, 30, 31 came and went... I was on cycle day 36 without my period starting when I went into the OBGYN's to have the dilation. I didn't know what to do... I didn't want him to know that I wasn't having a "normal" cycle... mostly because I just didn't want to deal with any negativity... not that I was positive that he would have said anything to deflate my hopes, but I just didn't even want to take the chance. It was a quandary situation for me... tell the truth and have possible negative response to listen to, or just lie and see if he wasn't an observant enough OBGYN to know where I was in my cycle! lol!
I went with the later. I lied. I told him I had my period six days prior to seeing him. He dilated me, everything went fine, and I was scheduled for the HSG the next afternoon. Oh, but I lied on top of the lie, too. I told him that I might (and gave some weird reason) not be able to make the HSG procedure the next afternoon. I then asked him how long the dilation would last if I were not able to have he procedure done as scheduled? He told me the dilation should last at least a week if not longer. I thought to ask that because I had decided - while in his waiting room - that I probably needed to take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side before the HSG. Yeah, you read that right! A pregnancy test?
I mean, I absolutely felt like it would be pretty near close to an Immaculate Conception, but I thought since my period hadn't come and I had slept - note I did not say, had sex! - with a guy a few weeks prior I wasn't sure. Okay, and now you might be wondering, how could she NOT be sure?!!!
Well, you see, what happened was, I went over to some Tinder guy's house (which I had never done before!) and hung (read: got really drunk playing alchy drinking games... and, yes, I am very immature!!!) with his roommate and another friend of theirs. I pretty much told the guys when I got there that if I drank much of anything I'd probably have to sleep on the couch because they lived too far for me to drive home and they were fine with that.
I wasn't wanting to "hit" on any of them... and I really wasn't wanting any of them to "hit" on me... I just wanted to be hanging out with guys, doing things guys like to do... I'm a guys' type of girl!
And it was pretty cool because we were having fun and I didn't feel like any of them were "into" me (remember they're like 23-24 years old!). I liked that. Im very good at being a guy's friend. I'm less good in "other" situations. But, like I said, I did get too drunk to drive home (damn! drinking games are hardcore!). And though, when I woke up in this guy's bed the next morning, I was fairly certain - like 99.5% certain - that we did not have sex, I couldn't positively, absolutely say a 100% because of my high alcohol consumption (go ahead, judge me all you want, I am what I am!).
Yes, I felt fairly sure I would remember having sex, but I didn't remember calling my mom to tell her I wouldn't be home (remember I live with my mom!) - the guy reminded me I did that - so... that definitely made me feel like anything was possible! And no, or yes, I did not have my clothes on... (ugh, this is torture... I should skip over writing stuff like this!) when I woke up next to him. But my point is, .5% of me felt like I needed to be the rest of the 95.5% sure.*
So, the next morning - the day of my HSG - I took the pregnancy test. It said exactly what I thought it would say to someone in my situation... not named Virgin Mary, "No."
Later that day I got ready for my HSG - taking the pain med an hour before - went to the bathroom before leaving my house, and surprise, my period had started. I called the hospital to cancel the procedure and re-scheduled it for a week later.
I finally had the HSG done, it was no big deal, and everything was in perfect condition... and I suppose they cleaned out my "pipes" in the process.
But I do wonder if my OBGYN could tell I was lying. Like, could he tell when he was doing the dilation procedure that it seemed as if I were about to start my period? I'm still wondering about that!
And, if you should be wondering, no, I haven't done one fun guy thing since that night... which has now been like a month-and-a-half ago... I hardly ever do anything anytime!
*And, as a side note: my OV watch quit working so I had no idea where I was in my cycle when I didn't have sex that night... like, none. The biggest symptoms for me of ovulation happening are not, tender breasts or stringy cervical fluid - if I had to judge my ovulation by those symptoms I'd never know when I did! - but by whether I'm horny or not. That's all I could go by: horny, not horny. And that night I wasn't horny! TMI? : )
Sunday, December 28, 2014
A Box
"Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains." ~ Kahlil Gibran
Not long ago I decided to make a "vision board." A vision board is where you cut out images or writing from wherever you can find them (most often magazines) and make a collage of what you want in your life. A vision board is supposed to help you in attaining your dreams because it keeps - front and center - images you can see everyday (important for getting deep into your subconscious)
I had a vision board over 20 years ago and it didn't seem to change anything in my life, but I recently thought, what the heck, might as well try it again.
So, once I decided to make my vision board I remembered that I had - over the years - cut out many items that I thought would be perfect to paste to the board if I ever did make another. My only obstacle was where to find all the things I had cut out and kept stored somewhere.
I went hunting! And hunting for me usually takes place in one particular room where I seem to have stashed everything I don't know what to do with. I have plastic "filing" draws with tons of recipes I've cut out over years and years, lots of my art "tools" and things that inspire me to do artwork, and then just bags of papers. Oh, and boxes with papers!
I was a little overwhelmed, but I brought all of what I thought I could use for my vision board to another room where I could more comfortably go through everything and decide what to keep and what I could throw away.
But there was this one particular shoe box that grabbed my interest first so I opened its dusty lid and, like a genie from a bottle, it seemed like the story of my life - from 1989 through 1991, at least - came alive... floating toward me.
The box held letters, cards, and papers with "journal" writings... lots and lots of journal writing. Hundreds of memories - some entirely forgotten, many only half remembered...
I found the names of guys that I had "liked," guys that I had "double-liked," guys that I had huge crushes on, and one particular guy that I was just plain in love with. But I didn't just find their names I read about them from back then: how I met them, when I saw them, what I did with them, what I hoped I could do with them... what I dreamed...
So, what do you do now days when you get such a blast from your past? Go look for them on the internet! There were actually three of the guys that I had become "friends" with again over the the past several years via Facebook, but the others I had to either google their names or search for them on Facebook.
It was crazy interesting to FB "stalk" former "love" interest; playing private investigator to find the more elusive ones. I found them as happily (seemingly) married ones or divorced. They seemed to have aged fairly well. To "look in" on their lives was... really cool! lol!
But there was one guy - the particular guy - who I had been soooooo in love with back then. I had always remembered his first name, but his last name was Slavic and it was one that I had a hard time recalling, much less spelling. However, when I pulled out all of these journal writings - and many had been about him - and started reading them, at the very beginning of one, was his full name. I couldn't believe it. It came rushing back to me how easy his name was to pronounce, but how hard it was to spell. I was beyond excited to - after all these years! - find him.
I immediately checked Facebook but couldn't find him on it. I then googled him but nothing was coming up. I thought that the way I had spelled his name in my journal writing might have just been how I thought it was spelled and not the real spelling. I was frustrated because no matter how I tried to spell his name I was coming up empty handed. I quit that night and went to bed, but the next evening I was determined I was going to find something about him; I knew I would, if I could just spell his last name correctly.
I asked my mom. I told her how the name was sounded out and asked how she thought it would be spelled if it were Polish. She gave me a few options, but when I googled them still nothing came up. I then even called my mom's friend, who has traveled extensively in Eastern Europe, thinking she might have better insight into the spelling of C.'s last name. Once again, I tried her suggestions, but it wasn't right. I wasn't finding him. I looked at the paper with his name on it. I just kept seeing how I had spelt his name and wondering how I should have spelled it. After some moments of looking and thinking I realized something I hadn't thought of before: maybe what I had thought was an "e" in his last name was actually a "c."
As soon as that thought came into my head I went to my laptop and googled C.'s last name with the "c" in it instead of the "e" and voilà I found him! I was beyond excited and then...
I'll let the following correspondence via Facebook tell you what happened next...
December 16
12/16, 2:41am
Hi, M. I am so sad to be writing you.
My name is L. and I knew your brother C.
Yesterday I had found an old, dusty box filled with all of my "journal" writings from around 1989-90. In it I found things I had written about C.
I wrote about how much I liked him. I wrote about fatefully running into him at Mardi Gras in New Orleans - when he was with his roommate Doug, his friend, John, from his fraternity at UVA, who at the time was practicing law in New Orleans, and some of his other buddies and how we had hung out together until 5:30 in the morning. Oh, what fun we had! How infatuated I was with C.!
I wrote about how my "like" had turned into more than that... more like, I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER ON HIM! I thought he was so cute and sweet and nice... and he loved playing basketball just like me... I wanted to fall in love with him! But more than anything, I just wanted to be his friend... I just wanted to be around him... to hang out with him... to soak up all of who he was...
Well, because of finding my writing about C. and all the emotions I had felt for him (the depth, unbeknownst to him, I'm sure, as I was very shy back then) I thought I would try to find him to "look him up."
I was getting frustrated in my search because I didn't have the right spelling of his last name, but I persisted... and finally just now I spelled his name right and I saw that yes, there were things I could read about C. _____! It had felt like a needle in a haystack search and yet I found him... because I read, "C. S. _____, _____, U.S. Navy | U.S. Military" and I was so happy... until I saw beneath that headline something about death. I was like, no, please, no.
I didn't even want to open the link up and read, but I did and it just broke my heart; it breaks my heart now...
I know so much time has passed for you since your brother's death that it may seem ages and ages ago, but to me, just learning of it now, I have all the raw emotions as if it has just happened and I feel so sad... just pure, cry-my-eyes-out sad.
I found your name because while looking up C. - seeing the photo of him in his military uniform and reading about him - there was another name and photo that came up... E... your mother. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, too.
But I guess, even though C. died so many, many years ago now, I wanted you to know that he was never forgotten by me, that he was someone who made a difference in my life, that I looked up, with such great respect, to him for who he was as a person - probably most certainly as a testament to your parents.
I really loved his humor, I loved his intellect. I loved that he could be serious but didn't take life seriously... he was such a free-spirit in such a regimented military, if you know what I mean. I truly held deep feelings for him as the wonderful, charismatic, amazing guy he was, and I hold those feelings to this day.
So many times in life one doesn't know if they have made a difference in anyone's life, much less someone whom they had such a short time around, but again, I want you to know that your brother made an impact upon me and my life... and it was such an invaluable one to me...
I am utterly devastated to learn of the loss of his life... your brother was a beautiful person and the world deserved more of his beauty in its midst for a much longer time than was given... we got cheated... but I guess heaven got rewarded...
Most sincerely, but with such deep sadness,
L
December 16
12/16, 6:46am
M.
Hi L. thank you so much for your letter. I'm crying right now thinking about how much everyone and I loved him. C. lived life to the fullest and without regrets. He loved the Navy and flying so much that he re-enlisted 4 times which put the odds against him. I will definitely share your letter with my 3 kids (my middle daughter is named after him (C.). I was pregnant with her when ________.
12/16, 6:49am
M.
Many of his friends that lived in _______ with him still have an annual triathalon where they talk about C. for Labor Day weekend. Now that everyone is getting older, I'm amazed that they can still do a triathlon! Again, thanks for the wonderful tribute to C.. I'm visiting my dad for Christmas and will also share your letter with him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. M.
December 16
12/16, 3:37pm
Oh, what a great tribute to your brother that you should name your daughter after him… C. is such a pretty and unique name.
Thank you for writing back and letting me know of the tributes for C..… by you, with your daughter, and by his friend’s holding the triathlon. They are so well-deserved! I cried all over again. As I said, for me, it’s as if the events had just happened and I feel shock, like, no, it can’t be. Please let it not be! And still feel so very sad. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing… I think it is because I’m grieving…
It’s funny to me how I wrote back then… I hope it’s okay to share; that you are okay with me sharing… but in one journal entry, February 27, 1990 I say, “On Saturday night I ran into the love of my life - C.! I was so stoked to see him. He was with his roommate Doug, and Rick, K.'s neighbor. He looked so incredibly good. Every time I see him he looks better and better and I wonder why I was never in love with him before. I think he and I look good together.” I go on writing about the night out and how much fun I had with him.
Later on March 7, 1990 I wrote, reminiscing about our time fatefully running into each other in New Orleans, “I can remember looking up during my conversation with one of his friends and he was looking at me, our eyes met and locked, and I wondered what he was thinking. He came over to me and held my hand.”
In that same entry I write, “I talked to John, his lawyer friend from N.O. - a fraternity brother at UVA. I told him how much I liked C. but I didn’t think he liked me in the same way. John said that he got the impression that C. really liked me. I didn’t take what John said to heart. You see l feel as if I’m not C.’s type. John said I didn’t have enough self-confidence. For not knowing me very long he sure had me pegged!”
I continue, “But the thing is, I feel like C. would prefer someone kind of opposite of me - someone cutesy, preppy and blonde. I don’t know. I think if he gave me a chance he would really like me - at least as a friend… we have a lot in common. We’re both kind of free-spirited, we like all kinds of sports and he especially likes basketball. There is probably even more we would find in common if we could ever get together.”
Of course I wrote lots more, but that is just a glimpse of how I thought about C. so much! I guess when you have a crush on a guy that’s what you do… think, think, think on him…
Oh, my gosh, I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion now and I know I will for some time. I have thought of C. so many times through the years, but before I found the journal writings I didn’t remember - even closely - how to spell his last name to even try to find out anything at all about him. I doubted I’d find him single. I expected to see that he was married with three beautiful children. I never in a million years thought that my looking for him would find him lost.
Again, thank you for writing me back. I appreciate it greatly.
Sincerely,
L
________________
So, that's what happened... I went in search of my "particular guy" and I had found that he had died - 20 years ago. It still makes me sad to write that; to think that he isn't in this world any longer.
M., C.'s sister, sent me some photos of him. I posted them to my FB page with the following message:
These are photos of my friend, __ C. _____, who died way too young (32) and who was the kind of guy I think God rarely makes any longer. Even though he died 20 years ago, because I had lost touch with him (too bad we didn't have social media back then!) I just found out two days ago about his untimely death... and I have mourned for my friend as if his accident has just happened... I am grieving that the world was only allowed to know this amazing guy for such a short time... but feel so blessed that I was able to know him at all…
Oh, Life, what are you about?
My only consolation is that, I guess, in the end, I did find something incredible for my "vision board..." the knowledge - the remembrance! - of what kind of guy is my ideal... not perfect... just ideal... and I can keep that kind of guy - front and center - in my mind... both consciously and subconsciously... in that place where dreams can come alive...
Not long ago I decided to make a "vision board." A vision board is where you cut out images or writing from wherever you can find them (most often magazines) and make a collage of what you want in your life. A vision board is supposed to help you in attaining your dreams because it keeps - front and center - images you can see everyday (important for getting deep into your subconscious)
I had a vision board over 20 years ago and it didn't seem to change anything in my life, but I recently thought, what the heck, might as well try it again.
So, once I decided to make my vision board I remembered that I had - over the years - cut out many items that I thought would be perfect to paste to the board if I ever did make another. My only obstacle was where to find all the things I had cut out and kept stored somewhere.
I went hunting! And hunting for me usually takes place in one particular room where I seem to have stashed everything I don't know what to do with. I have plastic "filing" draws with tons of recipes I've cut out over years and years, lots of my art "tools" and things that inspire me to do artwork, and then just bags of papers. Oh, and boxes with papers!
I was a little overwhelmed, but I brought all of what I thought I could use for my vision board to another room where I could more comfortably go through everything and decide what to keep and what I could throw away.
But there was this one particular shoe box that grabbed my interest first so I opened its dusty lid and, like a genie from a bottle, it seemed like the story of my life - from 1989 through 1991, at least - came alive... floating toward me.
The box held letters, cards, and papers with "journal" writings... lots and lots of journal writing. Hundreds of memories - some entirely forgotten, many only half remembered...
I found the names of guys that I had "liked," guys that I had "double-liked," guys that I had huge crushes on, and one particular guy that I was just plain in love with. But I didn't just find their names I read about them from back then: how I met them, when I saw them, what I did with them, what I hoped I could do with them... what I dreamed...
So, what do you do now days when you get such a blast from your past? Go look for them on the internet! There were actually three of the guys that I had become "friends" with again over the the past several years via Facebook, but the others I had to either google their names or search for them on Facebook.
It was crazy interesting to FB "stalk" former "love" interest; playing private investigator to find the more elusive ones. I found them as happily (seemingly) married ones or divorced. They seemed to have aged fairly well. To "look in" on their lives was... really cool! lol!
But there was one guy - the particular guy - who I had been soooooo in love with back then. I had always remembered his first name, but his last name was Slavic and it was one that I had a hard time recalling, much less spelling. However, when I pulled out all of these journal writings - and many had been about him - and started reading them, at the very beginning of one, was his full name. I couldn't believe it. It came rushing back to me how easy his name was to pronounce, but how hard it was to spell. I was beyond excited to - after all these years! - find him.
I immediately checked Facebook but couldn't find him on it. I then googled him but nothing was coming up. I thought that the way I had spelled his name in my journal writing might have just been how I thought it was spelled and not the real spelling. I was frustrated because no matter how I tried to spell his name I was coming up empty handed. I quit that night and went to bed, but the next evening I was determined I was going to find something about him; I knew I would, if I could just spell his last name correctly.
I asked my mom. I told her how the name was sounded out and asked how she thought it would be spelled if it were Polish. She gave me a few options, but when I googled them still nothing came up. I then even called my mom's friend, who has traveled extensively in Eastern Europe, thinking she might have better insight into the spelling of C.'s last name. Once again, I tried her suggestions, but it wasn't right. I wasn't finding him. I looked at the paper with his name on it. I just kept seeing how I had spelt his name and wondering how I should have spelled it. After some moments of looking and thinking I realized something I hadn't thought of before: maybe what I had thought was an "e" in his last name was actually a "c."
As soon as that thought came into my head I went to my laptop and googled C.'s last name with the "c" in it instead of the "e" and voilà I found him! I was beyond excited and then...
I'll let the following correspondence via Facebook tell you what happened next...
December 16
12/16, 2:41am
Hi, M. I am so sad to be writing you.
My name is L. and I knew your brother C.
Yesterday I had found an old, dusty box filled with all of my "journal" writings from around 1989-90. In it I found things I had written about C.
I wrote about how much I liked him. I wrote about fatefully running into him at Mardi Gras in New Orleans - when he was with his roommate Doug, his friend, John, from his fraternity at UVA, who at the time was practicing law in New Orleans, and some of his other buddies and how we had hung out together until 5:30 in the morning. Oh, what fun we had! How infatuated I was with C.!
I wrote about how my "like" had turned into more than that... more like, I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER ON HIM! I thought he was so cute and sweet and nice... and he loved playing basketball just like me... I wanted to fall in love with him! But more than anything, I just wanted to be his friend... I just wanted to be around him... to hang out with him... to soak up all of who he was...
Well, because of finding my writing about C. and all the emotions I had felt for him (the depth, unbeknownst to him, I'm sure, as I was very shy back then) I thought I would try to find him to "look him up."
I was getting frustrated in my search because I didn't have the right spelling of his last name, but I persisted... and finally just now I spelled his name right and I saw that yes, there were things I could read about C. _____! It had felt like a needle in a haystack search and yet I found him... because I read, "C. S. _____, _____, U.S. Navy | U.S. Military" and I was so happy... until I saw beneath that headline something about death. I was like, no, please, no.
I didn't even want to open the link up and read, but I did and it just broke my heart; it breaks my heart now...
I know so much time has passed for you since your brother's death that it may seem ages and ages ago, but to me, just learning of it now, I have all the raw emotions as if it has just happened and I feel so sad... just pure, cry-my-eyes-out sad.
I found your name because while looking up C. - seeing the photo of him in his military uniform and reading about him - there was another name and photo that came up... E... your mother. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, too.
But I guess, even though C. died so many, many years ago now, I wanted you to know that he was never forgotten by me, that he was someone who made a difference in my life, that I looked up, with such great respect, to him for who he was as a person - probably most certainly as a testament to your parents.
I really loved his humor, I loved his intellect. I loved that he could be serious but didn't take life seriously... he was such a free-spirit in such a regimented military, if you know what I mean. I truly held deep feelings for him as the wonderful, charismatic, amazing guy he was, and I hold those feelings to this day.
So many times in life one doesn't know if they have made a difference in anyone's life, much less someone whom they had such a short time around, but again, I want you to know that your brother made an impact upon me and my life... and it was such an invaluable one to me...
I am utterly devastated to learn of the loss of his life... your brother was a beautiful person and the world deserved more of his beauty in its midst for a much longer time than was given... we got cheated... but I guess heaven got rewarded...
Most sincerely, but with such deep sadness,
L
December 16
12/16, 6:46am
M.
Hi L. thank you so much for your letter. I'm crying right now thinking about how much everyone and I loved him. C. lived life to the fullest and without regrets. He loved the Navy and flying so much that he re-enlisted 4 times which put the odds against him. I will definitely share your letter with my 3 kids (my middle daughter is named after him (C.). I was pregnant with her when ________.
12/16, 6:49am
M.
Many of his friends that lived in _______ with him still have an annual triathalon where they talk about C. for Labor Day weekend. Now that everyone is getting older, I'm amazed that they can still do a triathlon! Again, thanks for the wonderful tribute to C.. I'm visiting my dad for Christmas and will also share your letter with him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. M.
December 16
12/16, 3:37pm
Oh, what a great tribute to your brother that you should name your daughter after him… C. is such a pretty and unique name.
Thank you for writing back and letting me know of the tributes for C..… by you, with your daughter, and by his friend’s holding the triathlon. They are so well-deserved! I cried all over again. As I said, for me, it’s as if the events had just happened and I feel shock, like, no, it can’t be. Please let it not be! And still feel so very sad. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing… I think it is because I’m grieving…
It’s funny to me how I wrote back then… I hope it’s okay to share; that you are okay with me sharing… but in one journal entry, February 27, 1990 I say, “On Saturday night I ran into the love of my life - C.! I was so stoked to see him. He was with his roommate Doug, and Rick, K.'s neighbor. He looked so incredibly good. Every time I see him he looks better and better and I wonder why I was never in love with him before. I think he and I look good together.” I go on writing about the night out and how much fun I had with him.
Later on March 7, 1990 I wrote, reminiscing about our time fatefully running into each other in New Orleans, “I can remember looking up during my conversation with one of his friends and he was looking at me, our eyes met and locked, and I wondered what he was thinking. He came over to me and held my hand.”
In that same entry I write, “I talked to John, his lawyer friend from N.O. - a fraternity brother at UVA. I told him how much I liked C. but I didn’t think he liked me in the same way. John said that he got the impression that C. really liked me. I didn’t take what John said to heart. You see l feel as if I’m not C.’s type. John said I didn’t have enough self-confidence. For not knowing me very long he sure had me pegged!”
I continue, “But the thing is, I feel like C. would prefer someone kind of opposite of me - someone cutesy, preppy and blonde. I don’t know. I think if he gave me a chance he would really like me - at least as a friend… we have a lot in common. We’re both kind of free-spirited, we like all kinds of sports and he especially likes basketball. There is probably even more we would find in common if we could ever get together.”
Of course I wrote lots more, but that is just a glimpse of how I thought about C. so much! I guess when you have a crush on a guy that’s what you do… think, think, think on him…
Oh, my gosh, I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion now and I know I will for some time. I have thought of C. so many times through the years, but before I found the journal writings I didn’t remember - even closely - how to spell his last name to even try to find out anything at all about him. I doubted I’d find him single. I expected to see that he was married with three beautiful children. I never in a million years thought that my looking for him would find him lost.
Again, thank you for writing me back. I appreciate it greatly.
Sincerely,
L
________________
So, that's what happened... I went in search of my "particular guy" and I had found that he had died - 20 years ago. It still makes me sad to write that; to think that he isn't in this world any longer.
M., C.'s sister, sent me some photos of him. I posted them to my FB page with the following message:
These are photos of my friend, __ C. _____, who died way too young (32) and who was the kind of guy I think God rarely makes any longer. Even though he died 20 years ago, because I had lost touch with him (too bad we didn't have social media back then!) I just found out two days ago about his untimely death... and I have mourned for my friend as if his accident has just happened... I am grieving that the world was only allowed to know this amazing guy for such a short time... but feel so blessed that I was able to know him at all…
Oh, Life, what are you about?
My only consolation is that, I guess, in the end, I did find something incredible for my "vision board..." the knowledge - the remembrance! - of what kind of guy is my ideal... not perfect... just ideal... and I can keep that kind of guy - front and center - in my mind... both consciously and subconsciously... in that place where dreams can come alive...
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Keep the Faith
"If you desire faith, then you have faith enough." ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I know I posted about Nicole Kidman's grandmother before, but I just saw this latest article and thought it was a nice reminder. Plus, it talks about Nicole, herself, at age 47, still wanting another baby, and if her grandmother could, why shouldn't she think that she might be able to, as well?
I know I posted about Nicole Kidman's grandmother before, but I just saw this latest article and thought it was a nice reminder. Plus, it talks about Nicole, herself, at age 47, still wanting another baby, and if her grandmother could, why shouldn't she think that she might be able to, as well?
Monday, December 8, 2014
Grow Your Own
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." ~ Albert Einstein
Well, someone just sent me a link to this fascinating article. The article is like eight months old, but I guess it's the old adage that you get things when you're ready to receive them...
Anyway, it's an exciting read... and it makes me feel how right I was, five years ago, insisting - against the fertility specialist judgement (he basically told me a GVC - a cell - would be worthless, but I was never thinking of the cell in that moment but in moments years away...) - that he promise to retrieve any of those cells along with my eggs (which he did do)...
I do feel as if I was visionary in my thought process regarding a cell potentially becoming a viable egg... whether it does remains to be seen, but the thought that it could, years into the future... well, that future is finally now...
Well, someone just sent me a link to this fascinating article. The article is like eight months old, but I guess it's the old adage that you get things when you're ready to receive them...
Anyway, it's an exciting read... and it makes me feel how right I was, five years ago, insisting - against the fertility specialist judgement (he basically told me a GVC - a cell - would be worthless, but I was never thinking of the cell in that moment but in moments years away...) - that he promise to retrieve any of those cells along with my eggs (which he did do)...
I do feel as if I was visionary in my thought process regarding a cell potentially becoming a viable egg... whether it does remains to be seen, but the thought that it could, years into the future... well, that future is finally now...
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