My Ceremony, July 12, 2014 - Finding the Essence of my Soul
I go to a woman named, Z. who is a counselor/hypnotist (and yes, I've tried hypnotism before which really wasn't anything more than meditation - Z. actually does hypnotize me... I can hear her voice, but I feel like it's a much deeper state than meditation, but without being asleep) to help me with my illness.
I'm sure I've mentioned before that I have been blessed to have all of the healthcare practitioners that I've been treated by be very supportive of me and my dreams, and very optimistic that I will get well again. They feel hopeful which makes me feel hopeful... and that's what I need: hope.
Outside of just helping me, through hypnotism, try to deal with my illness, Z. tries to help me deal with my life. And I seem to need a lot of help in that area, too.
And "that area" has a lot to do with me just feeling like I'm "stuck." And this isn't like, I'm stuck for a month, or even a year, it's like, I've been "stuck" for 25 years! Just stuck in all manner of ways in which I do not wish to be "stuck."
So, a few weeks ago Z. asked me if I had ever done a "ceremony." And I actually had done a ceremony - probably around the time I started this blog... so some years ago. I'm open to just about anything to help me reach my full potential (the potential I feel is "stuck" inside me!) and to help me in anyway to manifest my dreams.
The ceremony I had done four or five years ago was called a "New Moon" ceremony. I had somehow read about it, decided that I would do it, and did. I don't remember a whole lot except that I did one "off beat" thing at the end, something like jumping through the night air, landing, and spinning in circles a few times. (I'll explain why that "off beat" thing at the end is important - why I think it's important - when I explain my ceremony).
It turns out "ceremonies" all have pretty much the same attributes, but without any "rules," in other words, you kind of have to figure out what is important to you and bring whatever that may be into your ceremony, but common attributes are: a circle, with you in the middle, a candle is often used, something - a material thing - that is an important symbol to you, and some thoughts or prayers that you may want to include.
Well, Z. thought that it would be good for me to do a ceremony to, "find the essence of my soul." Now what the hell that meant, I wasn't quite sure. But she explained it was a ceremony that did nothing more than try to get me to go as deep as I could go - to the core of my being - to find out what represented my soul; what was the part of me that connected with the Universe on an elemental level?
Yeah, I was still confused. Because I was thinking in terms of I am this, or I do that, and she said this ceremony wasn't about any of that; it wasn't supposed to be about me in body form, but me in soul form. Looking at my still perplexed face, she explained that when she had done this particular ceremony what she had found to be the "essence" of her soul, was a river. She went on to explain how the river was what represented her in our world, in this Universe.
That gave me a little more insight, but I was still pretty unsure how I was going to figure out me! But she told me components of what I should include in the ceremony and left the rest up to me.
Then my question was, when should I do the ceremony? I told her I knew a full moon was coming up soon, but would that be a good time to do it? She being the new-agey, guru-y-type that she is (but in a very normal, relatable kind of way!), said that the full moon would be in Capricorn and since Capricorn was my rising sign, that, yes, the full moon coming up would be a good time to do my ceremony!
So, I had a few days to think about where I would have my ceremony - though I knew I wanted it to be outside - what I would use to make the circle that would surround me, what symbols I would bring into my circle, and what thoughts or prayers I might like to include, and the few other things that Z. suggested I do.
And one of the interesting things I found out almost as soon as I was going to do my ceremony on the full moon was the it was going to be a "super full moon." I felt like that occurrence, together with the Capricorn thingy, could only add positivity to what I was seeking by doing the ceremony in the first place. But better than anything, I learned that that super full moon day of my ceremony was going to fall on the birthday of my father who died nine years ago this past July 16th.
When I found that out, about it being July 12th - my dad's birthday - I really started feeling excited to take part in the ceremony and to bring my father into the circle by having some object of his there with me.
And, as it turned out, the night was clear and perfect. I didn't feel very well going into the ceremony, but I wasn't going to let my nausea prevent me from doing it. I knew most of the time would be me not moving and just trying to relax and that I could manage that.
So, the following is pretty much how I did my ceremony. I was having too many things to remember and too many pieces of writing notes to take with me when I finally realized I could just type everything into my "Notes" app and read it off my iPod. I didn't think an age old ceremony would be too disturbed by the use of 21st century technology, and after all, it was my ceremony so I could make the calls.
First, I started by making a circle using small rocks... I tried to find as many as I could.
I knew I was going to bring my blanket and pillow because I didn't know how long the ceremony would last, and I knew I'd be meditating and I just can't meditate very well unless I'm comfortably lying down.
Within the circle I had my two, glass candles, one has a picture of an archangel on it and the other The Virgin of Guadalupe. I also brought my small, statue of the Virgin Mary within the circle. I chose the statue to be my symbol to remind me of whatever I came to understand was the essence of my soul.
I knew I would be wearing white, somewhere along the journey of my life, I had heard that white symbolized purity and was good to wear when performing a ritual or ceremony. So I wore my white, skinny jeans, a white top, and I had white socks on my feet. I also knew that because it was the very special date of my dad's coming into the world - his birthday - that I wanted to bring something into the circle that was a part of him. My dad didn't have many material things, so there wasn't a whole lot to choose from, but I decided wearing a tie of his, with the colors that made my favorite color: lavender, would represent him. So, I tied his tie (as best I could!) around my neck and wore it over my white t-shirt.
I sat in my circle to begin with and I said a few special things. I chose the following prayers and statements...
1.) Hail Mary and Our father
2.) Whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you. ----
And what I asked, in the name of the Son, was for my ceremony to give me exactly what I needed from it, and exactly what I need to know from it.
3.) I am willing to release the thought patterns and beliefs that block my better good
4.) I allow myself to move into the heart from the head
5.) Read Psalm 139
O my Beloved, You have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You find me on the journey and guide my steps;
You know my strengths and my weaknesses.
Even before words rise up in prayer, Lo, you have already heard my heart call.
You encompass me with love where 'er I go,
and your strength is my shield.
Such sensitivity is too wonderful for me, it is high;
boundless gratitude is my soul's response.
Where could I go from your Spirit? Or how could I flee from your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in darkness you are there!
If I soar on the wings of the morning or dwell in deepest parts of the sea,
Even there your Hand will lead me, and your love will embrace me.
If I say, 'Let only darkened cover me, and the light about me by night,'
Even the darkness is not dark to You, the night dazzles as with the sun; the darkness is as light with You.
For You formed my inward being,
You knit me together in my mother' womb.
I praise You, for You are to be reverenced and adored.
Your mysteries fill me with wonder!
More than I know myself do you know me; my essence was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret, intricately fashioned from the elements of the earth,
Your eyes beheld me my unformed substance; in Your records were written every one of them,
The days that were numbered for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your creations,
O Blessed One!
How vast is the sum of them!
Who could count your innumerable gifts and blessings?
At all times You are with me.
O that You would vanquish my fears, Beloved;
O that ignorance and suffering would depart from me -
My ego separates me from true abandonment,
to surrendering myself into Your Hands!
Yet are these not the very thorns that focus my thoughts upon You?
Will I always need reminders to turn my face to You?
I yearn to come to You in love,
to learn of your mercy and wisdom!
Search me, O my Beloved, and know my heart!
Try me and discern my thoughts!
Help me to face the darkness within me;
enlighten me, that I might radiate Your Love and Light!
After I said all of my prayers and thoughts and still sitting up, I just closed my eyes and took nice, relaxing breaths - relaxing more deeply into my heart.
I repeated the relaxation.
I then (and this is what Z. suggested I do) called out to my angels and spirit guides, my "Team L" - those people who have died and have meant something dear to me - and to my ancestors, particularly my dad and grandma - because my grandma was my bestie and she gave birth to my other bestie on this day, so many years ago.
I asked all of the above to be with me and to surround me as I proceed with my ceremony.
I then called out in all directions: to the East - that is air - what I am - and represents new beginnings and re-birth and I asked for the help of the Eastern spirit to be refreshed, renewed, and re-born into the world of knowing spirit and understanding spirit. I asked the East to fill me up with all the good that it represents!
Then, I called to the South - which represents fire, passion, burning away what isn't good for me, or no longer needed by me. I tried to picture the brilliance of the sun and feel its comforting warmth.
Next, I turned to the West - which represents water, purification, cleansing, soothing, baptism, flowing, depth- and I asked the West to wash away everything that has been holding my spirit back, I asked the West to purify my spirit and keep it flowing. And I asked the West to allow me to dive deep beneath the waters surface to a place where I can breathe easily, and hear nothing so that I can reach that place deep within my soul that tells me who I am.
I turn to the North - which represents grounding oneself, manifesting, and building - and I asked the North to help me, when I am certain of who I am as soul in this world, to keep building me from my new-found grounded source and to manifest the things my soul needs.
After this, I called out to the Heavens above, to the water, and earth below, to the center, and asked ALL (ALL is every entity I have called out to) elements to help me, to work with me, to help me understand things I don't understand, to give me whatever guidance they know will assist me and, I ask ALL to make whatever they want me to know ABUNDANTLY CLEAR!!!
I try to feel the energy that is being accepted from ALL that I have asked to be with me. I ask that the energy be moved to my aura, to my soul. I ask ALL to lift my frequency so that I can connect with ALL
I ask ALL to help me understand clearly what is my soul and what my soul is connected to. I let ALL know that that is why I am here, doing the ceremony, because I am searching for me... the pure, soul essence of me, not the me of I am this or I am that, or I do this or I do that; not anything to do with the physical self, but only with the core of my being as it relates to the Universe. I was trying to find the symbol; again, the essence of my soul.
I asked ALL to help me not only see and hear, but to feel deeply in order to know and understand their guidance.
I looked to the full super-moon and knowing that my moon is in Pisces - which makes me sensitive - I ask the moon to allow me to connect with it in a special way.
I then laid down on my comfortable blanket and pillows and I tried to be still and silent and feel what the Universe, what ALL is telling me about who I am. What is the essence of my soul?
I did some more deep breathing... as best I could... either concentrating on my breath or the sounds I heard around me. And I meditated.
And all kinds of thoughts ran through my head of things that are a part of the world that might represent the core of who I was, but none of them were connecting with me. I told myself it's okay, be patient, the knowledge will come, and I continued to lay under the full, super-moon night.
Time went by and I lie there wanting to know what the essence of my soul is and thinking that it might not come to me. I might have to tell my counselor that I tried, but it didn't work. I pushed those thoughts away and continued to mediate on the sounds and feelings around me.
I pulled my small statue of the Virgin Mary from where it was standing within my circle, to me. I held it and then placed it beside me. I then wondered to myself, why have I always been so attracted to the Virgin Mary? When I first took up a brush and paint, I painted her with the Christ child. And then, for a few years, that was about all I ever painted, either the Virgin Mary by herself, or her with the Christ child. Why, I said again, did I feel so connected to her?
My thoughts continued in that direction... I probably felt connected to the Virgin Mary, I told myself because she is a mother... mothers' nurture... yes, I thought, that is what I do best... I am a nurturer... I'm good at nurturing people to grow... in nature I'm like the rain and the sun that helps life grow... but I am both, I am not just the rain and not just the sun... and then my mind tells me what happens when both the rain and the sun are both nurturing some thing at the same time... a rainbow appears... I think on that, on the rainbow; how it appears as the symbol of life being nurtured... is my soul represented by a rainbow... can that be?
And then I back-tracked in my mind and repeated the thoughts that got me to the rainbow... and all of it was true for me... from my strange connection to the Virgin Mary, to mother, to nurturer, to helping things grow, to the rain and the sun being the nurturer of life, to thinking of what happens when you have both the rain and the sun present... you see a rainbow... and all of it made sense to me... I didn't know what it meant to have my soul be represented by the rainbow, but I "felt" that it was right for me.*
It had taken me an hour to gain the knowledge of my soul's "essence."
What Z. told me to do, when I felt like I had an understanding of who I was to the core, to the depth of my soul... was to...
Ask ALL to witness the fact that I am a Rainbow and that is the essence of my soul!
Thank ALL for being with me for my ceremony, and for their guidance now and always.
And then, because it was my ceremony, I said a few more prayers and thoughts that had meaning to me.
Prayer at end of my ceremony...
Psalm 138: 1-3, 6-8
I thank you, Lord, with all my heart; you have heard the words of my mouth.
In the presence of angels I praise you.
I now down toward your holy temple.
I give thanks to your name
for your merciful love an your faithfulness.
You have exalted your name over all.
On the day I called, you answered me; you increased the strength of my soul.
The Lord is high, yet he looks on the lowly,
and the haughty he knows from afar.
You give me life though I walk amid affliction;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes.
With your right hand you save me;
the Lord will accomplish this for me.
O Lord, your merciful love is eternal; discard not the work of your hands.
---------
Prayer my Mom once wrote down and gave to me...
"May there be peace within
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given you
May you be content knowing that you are a child of God -
Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, praise and love."
- St. Theresa of Calcutta
And finally, I ended with a Hail Mary and Our Father...
But even though I gathered up all of my ceremonial things, my ceremony wasn't quite complete. Remember I had mentioned, in the only other "ceremony" I had ever done, I finished it with what I called and "off beat" thing - I jumped and I spun in circles - and I said that doing the "off beat" thing to end the ceremony was important.
Well, before I decided on what would take place in my "Soul Ceremony" I knew what my "off beat" thing would be. I knew that aspect of my ceremony before I knew any aspect of my ceremony!
And the "off beat" thing was for me to go back into my house and, fully clothed - get under my shower and get myself completely wet - my t-shirt, white jeans, my bra, underwear, socks, and me - and by doing that "off beat" thing - the reason it is so important to a ceremony - is because it tells your subconscious - and affecting your subconscious is what the ceremony is really all about - that what just happened is not the same ol' same ol', the ceremony that occurred is not to be taken lightly; the "off beat" thing tells your subconscious that something has changed and things are different; that you are changed, that you are different, and that the change and the difference is a really good thing.
*The next morning I kept wondering what my counselor would tell me when I next saw her and told her I felt my soul was represented by the rainbow. She is such a student of of the Universe - both in an Eastern and Western way - I felt sure she would know what to tell me about what it meant to feel like my soul was a rainbow. But then I thought, hmm... maybe I can just Google: what is the symbolic meaning of the rainbow. And I did. And even from the very first sentence where the writer - who had historically researched the symbolic meaning of the rainbow through time and cultures - basically said she was "anti-rainbow" I thought, that's just what I want; an analysis from someone who had a bias against the rainbow to give me an un-biased analysis of what the rainbow meant. So, here is her analysis of the rainbow. After reading it, I felt like my heart and mind had guided me to the right soul.
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