Re-hash and Testing (a li'l scary!)

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it." ~ Rabindranath Tagore

So, I'm just giving another re-hash of what's going on with my illness mostly because I had a big test that was done today.

My illness has been complicated, but the synopsis of it is that I have nausea 24/7/365 and have for 4 1/2 years. In the beginning I was just too nauseous to eat and lost 50 lbs. My doctor tried different anti-nausea medicines but none worked until she got a medicine that is given to chemotherapy patients to lessen their nausea - that pill is called Zofran.

Once I got on the Zofran it masked the nausea and that mechanism that tells you that you are hungry came back to me - I gained my weight back - and was able to live a functionable sort of life... though, some times were better than others. I missed out on a lot of things these past years because I have different degrees of nausea. The first I call my “normal” nausea; the pill will work for that. The second, I call my “death” nausea. I call it that because I feel so sick, and it is what I imagine someone dying of something horrible might feel like; the pill does not work for that.

During the past years I had more times where the pill would work and less times when it wouldn’t. Now, in the last month-and-a-half, things have changed. I don’t have “normal” days anymore; I only have my “death” nausea days and I am back to losing weight again. I can’t function when I feel so bad. I told my sister that I can only try to do 3 things every day in the state I’m in: force myself to drink my smoothie and drink some soup broth, make my health appointments and write a 100 words a day. I’ve failed at all three. I do as best I can.

During the course of trying to figure out what was causing my nausea my doctor had done pretty much every conceivable test. At the beginning it was thought to be a stomach problem, but the test contradicted each other. One appointment I asked her what the mechanism was that allowed the Zofran to help me (this is back when it helped me) and she told me it was a brain chemical mechanism. So, I told her maybe we should start looking at the brain. She agreed.

She set me up to have an MRI of my brain done. I asked her if it would show if I had an inner-ear problem, thinking that may be what was making me feel nauseous. She said that it would. I didn’t think the MRI would show anything. But when she got the results back, to my surprise, it did show something. It showed that I have what is called a Chiari Malformation. But the radiologist labeled me as a Chiari 0 (there are 4 levels). And a Chiari 0 is too insignificant to have an affect on you. Or so the neurosurgeon and the neurologist I went to after the diagnosis both said.

But I got on the internet and read that severe chronic nausea was one of like, 49 different symptoms that can present with Chiari. And I also read that the onset of symptoms usually occurs around age 28-30 (when the brain stops fully growing) and that’s really when my nausea started, though not so debilitating as what came in the past 4 years. But hey, I was told I was a Chiari 0 where it’s so negligible that you don’t have any symptoms.

I didn’t believe them. I thought it was too much of a coincidence to have some condition - I had no idea I had - wherein symptoms develop most often at the age in which mine did, that I had one of the symptoms, and that there was usually a trauma that often caused the symptoms to present in the first place. I had that one, too! At around age 27 I went into anaphylactic shock and because I was (for me) young and stupid and on a party road-trip I ignored the symptoms and went to bed and when I woke early in the morning my head was like the “elephant man” and I couldn’t breathe because all my airway passages were swelled up. I went to the emergency room and got taken care of, but I think that was my “trigger” event.

The funny (I guess I should say, interesting) thing is that all these years, long before I even knew I had this Chiari malformation, whenever I tried to go back in my mind to when I was healthy and normal to when I became sick, the dividing line was always that anaphylactic shock episode. It was so long ago I didn’t have a date timeline perfectly pin-pointed, but, yeah, my mind just was like, before that episode I remember being “normal” sometime after that, I wasn’t.

Long story even longer. I decided at the very least I probably should try to see if Cranial Sachral therapy would work on helping - it’s a manipulation therapy - and I traveled 4 hours round-trip to go to a specialist. I went to him six times between August and September of 2013. I don’t think he cured me, I still had the nausea, but looking back I definitely think he must have helped because it allowed me to be fairly good going to New Zealand and for the three months after I returned.

Anyway, since then the more research I did on Chiari the more I found out that there is an old-school/new-school “war” going on in neurology about putting a number - a level - on Chiari. The new-school’s research is telling them that you can have two people in the same family (it’s thought to be rare genetic condition) and one of the members can be diagnosed as Chiari 1 and have no symptoms at all, and the other member who is diagnosed as Chiari 0 does present with symptoms. The old-school guys are skeptical of the new-school research. Thus, the reason the neurosurgeon and neurologist I saw said my symptoms could have nothing to do with me having Chiari since I was a “0.”  But, I have to say, with me and medicine, I’m usually a f@ck-the-old-school-guys kinda person.

Today I was having a very specific test done. If the people doing the test knew what they were doing - and I say that because it’s a “newer” test and it isn’t being done through a neurologist - my doctor just decided to get it done without them - I was going to get what’s called a Cine MRI done. Like I said, if they got me in there right and knew what they were doing, they should be able to see if my Chiari Malformation is causing a problem to what's called CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) flow, measure the amount of flow, or blockage, and follow - if the fluid is flowing - where it's flowing in order to see how it might be affecting my body. That test would give me a lot of information. If there is a blockage, or a flow problem it is probably what is causing my severe nausea (though, in the research study, there was one patient who had Chiari, with symptoms, but no leakage).

All last week I was trying not to think of today's test as I am very claustrophobic and have never been in a normal MRI machine (always having to go the “Open MRI” route), but in order to do the Cine MRI you have to have your body fully in the "tube." My doctor told me on Friday that she ordered the test with sedation so I was hoping I could do it okay being a li'l drugged; more like praying I could do it!

Then I get a wake up call (literally) today and it was my doctor calling to tell me that my Cine MRI could not be done with sedation. I think I said a lot of f@cks! And she also reminded me that there would be a mask over my head. Pretty sure more f@cks came out of my mouth.

I got off the phone with her and was like WTF am I gonna do? I mean, I've had anxiety attacks in a house - that you could walk to different rooms in! - at 3:00 AM and had to go out in the dead of night and walk the streets until I calmed down. This was not a good feeling situation that she had just told me about.

But, I was in a worse feeling situation: I had my severe nausea. And, in the end, that was what I knew was going to have to help me get through my severe claustrophobia, the "tube" my body would be in, and the mask they were going to put over my head. I had to fight to stay calm because I needed to have a question answered: could the Chiari malformation be causing the nausea I've had for so many years? Nothing was more important than gaining any knowledge I could, regarding that.

Oh, but I took a 10mg valium an hour before the test, another one a half hour before (that's when I checked in - and because they knew I had thought I was going to be sedated, but had been told I wasn't - they just wanted to know when I had taken my last one and told me I could take another when they came and got me... but they didn't need to tell me that... I already planned on taking at least one more anyway!), so then I took my last one before I went into the MRI room.

Gratefully, my mom had driven me there (at this stage I really can't drive) and I asked her to come into the MRI room. The tech doing the test was really great. Het sat down with my mom and I and talked about what would be done, my worries, what music I wanted to him to play (pop!), and how long it would all take - 40-45 minutes - in the "tube."

But thank God, when he led me and my mom into the MRI room he had me laying down so quickly I didn't even see the "tube" I'd be going into so that was a freak-out situation avoided. He asked if I wanted a light cloth over my eyes, and that was a blessing because then I never saw the mask that he locked over my head... only feeling it be done. And he also said that he would pull a chair up for my mom to sit next to me if I wanted her to keep her hand on the ankle that was sticking out, and I did want that, and it, too, was a real blessing to feel her there.

Probably, many of you all have, at one time or another, experienced an MRI machine and know they are loud, really, really loud (they give you ear plugs and a headset to wear while in the tube) and when they do the test, which are in intervals of between a minute to five or six minutes, it gets even louder.

I was really proud of myself in there. Like, I even said that in my mind, "I'm so proud of you!" And when the tech told me we were on the last five minute test, I thought I did so well I deserved a celebration of beers or ice cream, or something really fun and special, and then I remembered I felt too nauseous to have anything like that. But laying in that "tube" at the very end, I told myself when I got better I was still going to celebrate just that one triumph! And, funnily enough, when I got pulled out of the machine, the mask taken off me, the cloth off my eyes and sitting up, the tech said, "You did so well in there you deserve to go out and celebrate!" Yeah, I thought, someday soon, I hope, I will.

Now, it's just a matter of waiting for the results of the Cine MRI which I will get when I go to my doctor appointment on Friday. If the Chiari is causing a problem it's not going to be an easy road to go because I will have to consider brain surgery. But, if the Chiari isn't the problem that isn't going to be an easy road either because I really don't know what else I can consider and that will be hard for my mind to bear.

I can only concentrate on getting through each day. I will worry about whatever the outcome of the Cine MRI is, or isn't, when Friday comes.

Soul Ceremony

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer." ~ Henry David Thoreau

My Ceremony, July 12, 2014 - Finding the Essence of my Soul

I go to a woman named, Z. who is a counselor/hypnotist (and yes, I've tried hypnotism before which really wasn't anything more than meditation - Z. actually does hypnotize me... I can hear her voice, but I feel like it's a much deeper state than meditation, but without being asleep) to help me with my illness.

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I have been blessed to have all of the healthcare practitioners that I've been treated by be very supportive of me and my dreams, and very optimistic that I will get well again. They feel hopeful which makes me feel hopeful... and that's what I need: hope.

Outside of just helping me, through hypnotism, try to deal with my illness, Z. tries to help me deal with my life. And I seem to need a lot of help in that area, too.

And "that area" has a lot to do with me just feeling like I'm "stuck." And this isn't like, I'm stuck for a month, or even a year, it's like, I've been "stuck" for 25 years! Just stuck in all manner of ways in which I do not wish to be "stuck."

So, a few weeks ago Z. asked me if I had ever done a "ceremony." And I actually had done a ceremony - probably around the time I started this blog... so some years ago. I'm open to just about anything to help me reach my full potential (the potential I feel is "stuck" inside me!) and to help me in anyway to manifest my dreams.

The ceremony I had done four or five years ago was called a "New Moon" ceremony. I had somehow read about it, decided that I would do it, and did. I don't remember a whole lot except that I did one "off beat" thing at the end, something like jumping through the night air, landing, and spinning in circles a few times. (I'll explain why that "off beat" thing at the end is important - why I think it's important - when I explain my ceremony).

It turns out "ceremonies" all have pretty much the same attributes, but without any "rules," in other words, you kind of have to figure out what is important to you and bring whatever that may be into your ceremony, but common attributes are: a circle, with you in the middle, a candle is often used, something - a material thing - that is an important symbol to you, and some thoughts or prayers that you may want to include.

Well, Z. thought that it would be good for me to do a ceremony to, "find the essence of my soul." Now what the hell that meant, I wasn't quite sure. But she explained it was a ceremony that did nothing more than try to get me to go as deep as I could go - to the core of my being - to find out what represented my soul; what was the part of me that connected with the Universe on an elemental level?

Yeah, I was still confused. Because I was thinking in terms of I am this, or I do that, and she said this ceremony wasn't about any of that; it wasn't supposed to be about me in body form, but me in soul form. Looking at my still perplexed face, she explained that when she had done this particular ceremony what she had found to be the "essence" of her soul, was a river. She went on to explain how the river was what represented her in our world, in this Universe.

That gave me a little more insight, but I was still pretty unsure how I was going to figure out me! But she told me components of what I should include in the ceremony and left the rest up to me.

Then my question was, when should I do the ceremony? I told her I knew a full moon was coming up soon, but would that be a good time to do it? She being the new-agey, guru-y-type that she is (but in a very normal, relatable kind of way!), said that the full moon would be in Capricorn and since Capricorn was my rising sign, that, yes, the full moon coming up would be a good time to do my ceremony!

So, I had a few days to think about where I would have my ceremony - though I knew I wanted it to be outside - what I would use to make the circle that would surround me, what symbols I would bring into my circle, and what thoughts or prayers I might like to include, and the few other things that Z. suggested I do.

And one of the interesting things I found out almost as soon as I was going to do my ceremony on the full moon was the it was going to be a "super full moon." I felt like that occurrence, together with the Capricorn thingy, could only add positivity to what I was seeking by doing the ceremony in the first place. But better than anything, I learned that that super full moon day of my ceremony was going to fall on the birthday of my father who died nine years ago this past July 16th.

When I found that out, about it being July 12th - my dad's birthday - I really started feeling excited to take part in the ceremony and to bring my father into the circle by having some object of his there with me.

And, as it turned out, the night was clear and perfect. I didn't feel very well going into the ceremony, but I wasn't going to let my nausea prevent me from doing it. I knew most of the time would be me not moving and just trying to relax and that I could manage that. 

So, the following is pretty much how I did my ceremony. I was having too many things to remember and too many pieces of writing notes to take with me when I finally realized I could just type everything into my "Notes" app and read it off my iPod. I didn't think an age old ceremony would be too disturbed by the use of 21st century technology, and after all, it was my ceremony so I could make the calls.

First, I started by making a circle using small rocks... I tried to find as many as I could.

I knew I was going to bring my blanket and pillow because I didn't know how long the ceremony would last, and I knew I'd be meditating and I just can't meditate very well unless I'm comfortably lying down.

Within the circle I had my two, glass candles, one has a picture of an archangel on it and the other The Virgin of Guadalupe. I also brought my small, statue of the Virgin Mary within the circle. I chose the statue to be my symbol to remind me of whatever I came to understand was the essence of my soul.

I knew I would be wearing white, somewhere along the journey of my life, I had heard that white symbolized purity and was good to wear when performing a ritual or ceremony. So I wore my white, skinny jeans, a white top, and I had white socks on my feet. I also knew that because it was the very special date of my dad's coming into the world - his birthday - that I wanted to bring something into the circle that was a part of him. My dad didn't have many material things, so there wasn't a whole lot to choose from, but I decided wearing a tie of his, with the colors that made my favorite color: lavender, would represent him. So, I tied his tie (as best I could!) around my neck and wore it over my white t-shirt.

I sat in my circle to begin with and I said a few special things. I chose the following prayers and statements...
1.) Hail Mary and Our father
2.) Whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you. ----
And what I asked, in the name of the Son, was for my ceremony to give me exactly what I needed from it, and exactly what I need to know from it.
3.) I am willing to release the thought patterns and beliefs that block my better good
4.)  I allow myself to move into the heart from the head

5.) Read Psalm 139

O my Beloved, You have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You find me on the journey and guide my steps;
You know my strengths and my weaknesses.
Even before words rise up in prayer, Lo, you have already heard my heart call.
You encompass me with love where 'er I go,
and your strength is my shield.
Such sensitivity is too wonderful for me, it is high;
boundless gratitude is my soul's response.
Where could I go from your Spirit? Or how could I flee from your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in darkness you are there!
If I soar on the wings of the morning or dwell in deepest parts of the sea,
Even there your Hand will lead me, and your love will embrace me.
If I say, 'Let only darkened cover me, and the light about me by night,'
Even the darkness is not dark to You, the night dazzles as with the sun; the darkness is as light with You.
For You  formed my inward being,
You knit me together in my mother' womb.
I praise You, for You are to be reverenced and adored.
Your mysteries fill me with wonder!
More than I know myself do you know me; my essence was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret, intricately fashioned from the elements of the earth,
Your eyes beheld me my unformed substance; in Your records were written every one of them,
The days that were numbered for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your creations,
O Blessed One!
How vast is the sum of them!
Who could count your innumerable gifts and blessings?
At all times You are with me.
O that You would vanquish my fears, Beloved;
O that ignorance and suffering would depart from me -
My ego separates me from true abandonment,
to surrendering myself into Your Hands!
Yet are these not the very thorns that focus my thoughts upon You?
Will I always need reminders to turn my face to You?
I yearn to come to You in love,
to learn of your mercy and wisdom!
Search me, O my Beloved, and know my heart!
Try me and discern my thoughts!
Help me to face the darkness within me;
enlighten me, that I might radiate Your Love and Light!

After I said all of my prayers and thoughts and still sitting up, I just closed my eyes and took nice, relaxing breaths - relaxing more deeply into my heart.

I repeated the relaxation.

I then (and this is what Z. suggested I do) called out to my angels and spirit guides, my "Team L" - those people who have died and have meant something dear to me - and to my ancestors, particularly my dad and grandma - because my grandma was my bestie and she gave birth to my other bestie on this day, so many years ago.

I asked all of the above to be with me and to surround me as I proceed with my ceremony.

I then called out in all directions: to the East - that is air - what I am -  and represents new beginnings and re-birth and I asked for the help of the Eastern spirit to be refreshed, renewed, and re-born into the world of knowing spirit and understanding spirit. I asked the East to fill me up with all the good that it represents!

Then, I called to the South - which represents fire, passion, burning away what isn't good for me, or no longer needed by me. I tried to picture the brilliance of the sun and feel its comforting warmth.

Next, I turned to the West - which represents water, purification, cleansing, soothing, baptism, flowing, depth- and I asked the West to wash away everything that has been holding my spirit back, I asked the West to purify my spirit and keep it flowing. And I asked the West to allow me to dive deep beneath the waters surface to a place where I can breathe easily, and hear nothing so that I can reach that place deep within my soul that tells me who I am.

I turn to the North - which represents grounding oneself, manifesting, and building - and I asked the North to help me, when I am certain of who I am as soul in this world, to keep building me from my new-found grounded source and to manifest the things my soul needs.

After this, I called out to the Heavens above, to the water, and earth below, to the center, and asked ALL (ALL is every entity I have called out to) elements to help me, to work with me, to help me understand things I don't understand, to give me whatever guidance they know will assist me and, I ask ALL to make whatever they want me to know ABUNDANTLY CLEAR!!!

I try to feel the energy that is being accepted from ALL that I have asked to be with me. I ask that the energy be moved to my aura, to my soul. I ask ALL to lift my frequency so that I  can connect with ALL

I ask ALL to help me understand clearly what is my soul and what my soul is connected to. I let ALL know that that is why I am here, doing the ceremony, because I am searching for me... the pure, soul essence of me, not the me of I am this or I am that, or I do this or I do that; not anything to do with the physical self, but only with the core of my being as it relates to the Universe. I was trying to find the symbol; again, the essence of my soul.

I asked ALL to help me not only see and hear, but to feel deeply in order to know and understand their guidance.

I looked to the full super-moon and knowing that my moon is in Pisces - which makes me sensitive - I ask the moon to allow me to connect with it in a special way.

I then laid down on my comfortable blanket and pillows and I tried to be still and silent and feel what the Universe, what ALL is telling me about who I am. What is the essence of my soul?

I did some more deep breathing... as best I could... either concentrating on my breath or the sounds I heard around me. And I meditated.

And all kinds of thoughts ran through my head of things that are a part of the world that might represent the core of who I was, but none of them were connecting with me. I told myself it's okay, be patient, the knowledge will come, and I continued to lay under the full, super-moon night.

Time went by and I lie there wanting to know what the essence of my soul is and thinking that it might not come to me. I might have to tell my counselor that I tried, but it didn't work. I pushed those thoughts away and continued to mediate on the sounds and feelings around me.

I pulled my small statue of the Virgin Mary from where it was standing within my circle, to me. I held it and then placed it beside me. I then wondered to myself, why have I always been so attracted to the Virgin Mary? When I first took up a brush and paint, I painted her with the Christ child. And then, for a few years, that was about all I ever painted, either the Virgin Mary by herself, or her with the Christ child. Why, I said again, did I feel so connected to her?

My thoughts continued in that direction... I probably felt connected to the Virgin Mary, I told myself because she is a mother... mothers' nurture... yes, I thought, that is what I do best... I am a nurturer... I'm good at nurturing people to grow... in nature I'm like the rain and the sun that helps life grow... but I am both, I am not just the rain and not just the sun... and then my mind tells me what happens when both the rain and the sun are both nurturing some thing at the same time... a rainbow appears... I think on that, on the rainbow; how it appears as the symbol of life being nurtured...  is my soul represented by a rainbow... can that be? 

And then I back-tracked in my mind and repeated the thoughts that got me to the rainbow... and all of it was true for me... from my strange connection to the Virgin Mary, to mother, to nurturer, to helping things grow, to the rain and the sun being the nurturer of life, to thinking of what happens when you have both the rain and the sun present... you see a rainbow... and all of it made sense to me... I didn't know what it meant to have my soul be represented by the rainbow, but I "felt" that it was right for me.*

It had taken me an hour to gain the knowledge of my soul's "essence." 

What Z. told me to do, when I felt like I had an understanding of who I was to the core, to the depth of my soul... was to...

Ask ALL to witness the fact that I am a Rainbow and that is the essence of my soul!

Thank ALL for being with me for my ceremony, and for their guidance now and always.

And then, because it was my ceremony, I said a few more prayers and thoughts that had meaning to me.

Prayer at end of my ceremony...

Psalm 138: 1-3, 6-8

I thank you, Lord, with all my heart; you have heard the words of my mouth.
In the presence of angels I praise you.
I now down toward your holy temple.

I give thanks to your name
for your merciful love an your faithfulness.
You have exalted your name over all.
On the day I called, you answered me; you increased the strength of my soul.

The Lord is high, yet he looks on the lowly,
and the haughty he knows from afar.
You give me life though I walk amid affliction;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes.

With your right hand you save me;
the  Lord will accomplish this for me.
O Lord, your merciful love is eternal; discard not the work of your hands.

---------

Prayer my Mom once wrote down and gave to me...

"May there be peace within
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given you
May you be content knowing that you are a child of God -
Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, praise and love."

- St. Theresa of Calcutta

And finally, I ended with a Hail Mary and Our Father...

But even though I gathered up all of my ceremonial things, my ceremony wasn't quite complete. Remember I had mentioned, in the only other "ceremony" I had ever done, I finished it with what I called and "off beat" thing - I jumped and I spun in circles - and I said that doing the "off beat" thing to end the ceremony was important.

Well, before I decided on what would take place in my "Soul Ceremony" I knew what my "off beat" thing would be. I knew that aspect of my ceremony before I knew any aspect of my ceremony! 

And the "off beat" thing was for me to go back into my house and, fully clothed - get under my shower and get myself completely wet - my t-shirt, white jeans, my bra, underwear, socks, and me - and by doing that "off beat" thing - the reason it is so important to a ceremony - is because it tells your subconscious - and affecting your subconscious is what the ceremony is really all about - that what just happened is not the same ol' same ol', the ceremony that occurred is not to be taken lightly; the "off beat" thing tells your subconscious that something has changed and things are different; that you are changed, that you are different, and that the change and the difference is a really good thing.

*The next morning I kept wondering what my counselor would tell me when I next saw her and told her I felt my soul was represented by the rainbow. She is such a student of of the Universe - both in an Eastern and Western way - I felt sure she would know what to tell me about what it meant to feel like my soul was a rainbow. But then I thought, hmm... maybe I can just Google: what is the symbolic meaning of the rainbow. And I did. And even from the very first sentence where the writer - who had historically researched the symbolic meaning of the rainbow through time and cultures - basically said she was "anti-rainbow" I thought, that's just what I want; an analysis from someone who had a bias against the rainbow to give me an un-biased analysis of what the rainbow meant. So, here is her analysis of the rainbow. After reading it, I felt like my heart and mind had guided me to the right soul. 

I ❤ my Doctor

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I really feel so blessed to have the General Practice (Internist) doctor that I have. I love her.

I have been feeling so, so terribly bad with my nausea the past month it's extremely difficult to do anything other than lie or sit up in my bed. I've lost 10 lbs - only two of which I may have needed to lose - so I'm just completely going backward. The Zofran pill I started taking three years ago - a year into my illness - is no longer working. But my doctor still is.

Dr. M. just doesn't give up. I know more than 95 % of doctors would have thrown up their hands long ago and just quit trying to figure out what was causing my nausea. Fortunately for me, she's in the 5%. But almost as important to me as her trying to heal me, is her belief in my dreams.

Today, when I had my appointment with Dr. M., I was in such a sorry state I had to have my mom drive me... yep, I was that bad.

After I had talked to Dr. M. about this bad bout I was going through, and she had told me to tweak this and that in what I was doing; deciding on trying some other testing panels to give her a clearer picture of a particular thing, I told her I had something else I wanted to talk to her about.

I told her that when I get to feeling so bad, I have a hard time holding onto my dream of getting pregnant. I had let her know that even though my OV Watch told me I ovulated on Day 15, I never had my period. It seems, I said, like the stress my body is under is causing me problems in that area.
And, I added, it's just too hard for me to feel hopeful when I've got so many "dragons to slay" at once.

I said to her, that my illness takes almost all of my attention away from being able to dream my dreams, and that I didn't want to give up on them; I didn't want to quit.

And she did two things that I didn't ask for, but I really needed.

First, she said that physiologically, she felt I was ten years younger than my actual age. And what she added after telling me that was - well, it was so surprising it's hard for me to even say - that she wouldn't be surprised if I were able to have a baby - from my own eggs - at 60! Of course there are no promises to that, but for her to even think that such a thing could be possible made me just love that she was my doctor. 

Some people might feel like her saying that to me was just giving me a false sense of hope, but she's no pie-in-the-sky doctor... she deals in reality with the best of them. And she did have her last child at almost 46... she is 56 now... and she said she believes that if she wanted to get pregnant at her age she thinks she could. Hell, I don't even care if she were a pie-in-the-sky doctor! She dreams in miracles, just like me... when so many in the medical profession don't even know what a miracle is!

And the second thing she did - which wasn't as surprising, but just as needed - is she rolled her chair over to mine, and she took my hands in hers, and she prayed for me... she prayed for me to be healed and she prayed for my dreams to come true, and she prayed that I be at peace with whatever God's will for my life was. I'm sure if you aren't a person of faith (and that's a perfectly fine thing; everyone experiences life the way they need to experience it!), or you don't like someone to enter your space, or you just wouldn't like someone to do that with you, it wouldn't feel at all like it felt for me: a blessing, and another reason I love my doctor!

The Day my Dad Died

"Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. " ~ Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Today, July 16th, has now been nine years since my dad died. I remember that time as if it were yesterday. I said to my sister, "Today is the day our dad died. Today." I told her, "It's today, but then it will be yesterday, and a week since he died, and a month, and a year, and ten years." I knew, that day, how hard life would be for me, in the time ahead - however much time that was - without him in it.

I thought I'd share what I wrote a friend who was enduring a particularly "upside down" time in their life. I wrote about my father, whom they had not met. And what I wrote was my way of trying to let them know I understood their plight. I wrote about July 16th, 2005, the day my dad died...

"What came to my mind when I read your thoughts, on what feels to me as if it is kind of like living in 'no man's land,' is an experience that happened when my dad died. Someday, I hope I can go into more details about everything that occurred re: his death, but now I'll just focus on a few minutes... 

I flew to _____ from _____, my sister picked me up in front of the airport terminal and told me that my dad had died. Until that moment, I had only known that my dad was critically injured; I had not thought that I would never see him again. 

I got in her car and we started the drive from _____ to ____ - over a six hour drive away - to get to our mom.

I remember somewhere along the way we stopped at a Walmart to go to the restroom and for my sister to go get bottles of water and Kleenex tissues. While I sat waiting at a table, right inside the entrance to the store, I was softly crying, and I looked around at everything that surrounded me, all the things and the people going about their every day business of shopping and I wanted to stand up and scream out: EVERYONE, STOP! STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! MY FATHER IS DEAD! HE IS NO LONGER HERE! AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN ACT AS IF THE WORLD HAS NOT STOPPED TURNING ON ITS AXIS!!! 

And then I just put my face in my hands and cried harder because I knew what the world had just lost, but none of the people walking around me in that massive store, talking and laughing, knew; they did not feel the earth shake, or see the sun's light diminish, they were simply ignorant to the knowledge that a small part of greatness was gone...

Doors to the Sea

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." ~ Alexander Graham Bell

I had a conversation tonight with my sister. I'm not sure how we got to talking about it, but she had told me that when she was in high school she had been awful to a lot of guys. I asked what kind of awful? Like leaving them? Yes that, she said, and leaving them with other girls... just all kinds of hurtful things, she added. 

I told her that I couldn't think of any guy that I had ever hurt (although I didn't date in high school or college so that may have excluded some drama!). I wondered why, when I had never hurt any guy,  had so many hurt me? And as I thought on it, I was just feeling how unfair that seemed. To be good to people who, in the end, weren't good to me.

Then, not ten minutes after we had had that conversation, I looked at what was going on with Snapchat. And I saw that a guy I really liked deleted me from it with no apparent reason. It made me feel sad. He was basically the only reason I was using Snapchat. To have other Snapchat friends view my "stories" was good, but to have this guy I liked view them just made me feel that it was all worthwhile; it told me he thought I was interesting and that he was still interested in me.

I had to tell my sister what had just happened since only moments before I had told her how I never had hurt guys but they seemed to hurt me. My sister said, "There are a lot of other fish in the sea." And all I could say was, "Then I need to get closer to a sea!"