Busy

"You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take."

~ Wayne Gretzky

I've been so busy over the past month and a half taking the state real estate class and studying for the licensing exam that besides not mentioning that, I also didn't get around to mentioning that I have another knee surgery tomorrow morning. It's arthroscopic so, hopefully, it all goes well and I recover more quickly than the past ones. Anyway, so much continues to be on my mind and in the midst of it life goes on...

Patience

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I still haven't heard back from H.B.

My normal way of proceeding would be to write him again, or call him again. But I'm not going with my normal this time. I'm going with patience.

I'm not going to press him to make his decision on my time, but rather allow him to make his decision on his time. Yes, it's frustrating not to be able to try for an insemination (my first!) this month, when I know that each month is precious at this stage in the game, but that is just how it will be.

I feel good. I'm not panicking. I know he will get back to me. I don't know what he'll say, but I know that not hearing from him is not a "no," it's just not a "yes," at this time.

I am setting my sites on March. My gut is telling me that will be the month when things will work out. How? Not sure, don't have a clue, but let's just wait and see...

Waiting...

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it."

~ Buddha

I sent H.B. this email the day after the first one I had sent him when he responded to my "Big Project" email. I just felt like I wanted to add something more:

Hey, I just wanted to mention that, statistically speaking, it's a long shot for me to even get pregnant at my age.

Of course, one of the greatest lessons I've learned from my dad is: fuck statistics (although he didn't quite say it in those terms)! But he taught me that someone always beats the statistics, so, he said, do the things within your control that will allow you the best chance to beat the odds.

So, I guess what I kinda want to convey is, if you did say, "yes," to my proposal and if I did beat the statistical odds for someone my age and actually get pregnant, and have a baby, I would consider it to be something akin to a miracle; something that was, in some way beyond my comprehension, as, "meant to be."

It still leaves you with the hugeness of the decision, but I just wanted to give you that heads up before we spoke.

And speaking of speaking... can you "meet" for cocktails on Wednesday? Actually, you're the one with the busy schedule so, if that doesn't work call me whenever you want... I'll pre-blend my high-octane margarita and stash it in the freezer!!!

Thanks, H.B.,

L.

So, I did call him yesterday, late afternoon, and got his voice mail and just left a message. Of course I'm anxiously waiting for his reply. I honestly can't see him doing it, but it's hard to dampen my spirit of the possibility of him saying, "yes." I drummed up the courage to ask the question, now I need to just as courageously accept the answer. But I do need an answer, because if not him, then I've got to move on... and fast. I'm on day three of my period and I'd hate for one more month to go by without at least trying an insemination!!!

Ninety

"When the world says, "Give up,"

Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "

~ Unknown

I saw on Facebook today photos that one of my younger sister's friends from high school posted. It was her and her older siblings surrounding their mother who was celebrating her ninetieth birthday. My sister is forty-four and I would assume her friend is the same age, so that would make her mother at least forty-five when she last gave birth in 1967 (and before IVF). It's always nice to come across stories about successful pregnancies at a later age, especially when you know the people involved.

Jesus!!!

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

~ Frank Scully

It's Sunday and I finally mustered up the courage to open the email from H.B. that I received on Friday night. I said a prayer when I wrote and sent my "Big Project" email to him, and I said a prayer just before I opened his response, and both prayers were for me to have peace with whatever the outcome was.

Here's what H.B. wrote me back saying:

Jesus!!! you could have warned me!!! lol, I 'm flattered of course, but I actually understand where your coming from. Not a problem. Do I mail you my spunk or can I deliver it personally!!! I'm kidding of course. I'll have to think about it. Its a big decision for me....being a father. Not saying no...but ...wow... I've gotta think about that. I think you would be a terrific mommy. I really do. Your very smart, quirky and have so much going for you. We should talk maybe middle of next week. I hope your well n happy n ______. We should probably talk over a drink or two.. or three...My best, always - H. B.

And this is what I wrote him back:

You're funny... and right, a drink or two or three : ) Aw, it feels good just to have you consider it... I know it's HUGE and part of me can't imagine you doing it, and the other part of me, the artist in me, just wants to start "painting" with the best canvas and brushes and paint (you!)

L

So, it's not a "yes," but it's not a "no" either. I'm so happy that he's willing to talk about it with me. But the biggest thing I have to work on these next few days is not to get my hopes up. I just have to keep reminding myself that things (whatever that might be) will work out for the best.

Sh*t!

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. "

~ Ambrose Redmoon

I sent an email five minutes ago to my best friend's daughter whose in seventh grade. I had just gotten home from being at a birthday party at her mom's house and finally remembered the "current" song that I couldn't remember when I was talking to her, so, I sent her the link. I just went back to my inbox to check and see if she responded and low and f'n behold, there's an email from H.B. regarding "Big Project."

I did not expect him to even read his emails for days, much less, respond to mine so quickly. It feels like when a jury comes back to court to announce their verdict, after a short deliberation, it almost always means that their verdict isn't good for the defendant (me, in this case, being the defendant). Usually, if the jury has a long deliberation it means the jury has got good news (or somewhat good news) for the defendant.

Sh*t! I swear it will take me the next three days before I'm ready to read it. In my mind I already know what it says: thanks for the compliment, if things were different...., you're a wonderful person..., so sorry...

I'm too chicken sh*t to find out right now because a "no" will just mean plan (what plan am I on now? I can't keep track) Z...?

Good Lord, please help me to help myself.... Where am I going? What am I doing? Why am I doing it?

OMG!

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

~ Bill Cosby

I did it. I sent it. The email to my married friend, H.B. asking him if he would consider being my sperm donor. I can't believe I pressed the send button. Remember when I talked about slaying dragons, well, I just slayed a big one - the fear of loosing a dear friend over a seemingly insane scheme in the story of my journey of having a baby! My last post said 2012 is the year; it's the year for facing all of my fears and for slaying any and all dragons that try to thwart me from attaining my dreams!

Here's the email message I sent to H.B.:

I wrote a week or so a go about what I called the "Big Project." I mentioned it was kind of crazy and unfortunately, nothing about that aspect has changed. It's pretty difficult (awkward!) to express because a.) it's a dream of my mine, b.) it's been difficult to hold onto the dream, and c.) I'm now to the point of involving you when it was never my intention to do so, but I'm at a loss, so, here goes,

I want to get pregnant and I want to ask if you would be the sperm donor!

I know, Good Lord, right?

I know you're going through all of your crap - marriage-wise, work-wise, other ways-I-don't-even-know-wise. I was with you when your ex pretty much tricked you into getting her pregnant and I know how hard that was on you (though I hope now it has all worked out in in a really good way!)

I don't want to even have to ask you this.

What I wanted all along was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, get married and have babies with him, but unfortunately that's just not how my life's dream has played out so far. And now I'm down to the last minutes, of the last quarter, and I've got to try to make something happen. I'm well into my forties and I'm running out of time faster than you can tune me out when I talk too much!

I don't want to go the anonymous donor route. I want to know who my child's father is, where he came from, what he's about and that I actually have good feelings regarding him.

Really, when I came to *P., back for my birthday in October I went with the intention of talking with a guy I used to know and hang out with, about whether he would be the sperm donor. And things just did not work out. I realized he's basically too fucked up for me to see as being the one for me to ask, so I didn't, I never even brought the topic up and then I left.

It's only been recently that I've felt like I might ask you. I figured even if it was a L.'s-out-her-freak'n-mind-on-this-one, the worst that could happen is that you would feel the compliment of being asked.

And it would be a compliment. It's a compliment to your parents who raised you to be the admirable person you are, a compliment in how much I respect you for who you are: your creativity, intuition, your amazing skills in so many varied areas, how hard you work (and how hard you play!). I know I've told you this before, but I do love you. It's not in some romantic way, but in the way of knowing that I want all good things for you, that I feel blessed to have met you, that you've brought value and interest to my life and that I want you to have the happiness I know you deserve. You're a good person, H.B. And that's what I want more than anything, for my child to have a good person as their father.

I wouldn't ask anything of you financially, or otherwise, but I would also never withhold anything either.

Like I said, I know you're in your own trenches right now and I'm praying for you on that front. But I would be so honored if you would consider what I've asked.

My biggest fear is that because you don't want to hurt my feelings by saying no, that you would just ignore this email, or worse, me. Although, nothing would make me happier than a "yes," I know it's a long shot and more than anything I want to maintain our friendship for a lifetime. That is really most important to me.

Please, whatever the case may be, let me know what your thoughts are. I don't want things to be awkward between us. I promise you, from my end, they never will be.

L.

*P. is the town I lived in before I moved back to my hometown to live with my mom.

Happy New Year

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize that whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it." ~ Wally Amos

Happy New Year! 2012 is the year!!!