Backwards

"There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.” ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

In my previous post I wrote, “I can't even go back and read where I was; what I thought; my hopes, my dreams, my life, in any of those years prior to now. I think it would crush my spirit to do so.”

Well, curiosity made me go back, and fatefully so, because somehow - completely randomly - I saw the title of a post I wrote called, “Eskimos and Suffering” I clicked on that post. It was written May 10, 2010 - just over ten years ago! And I read it feeling like I was reading the words of some wise person who resonated with me and what I am going through presently. Why was I so much wiser ten years ago than I am now? *smh* 

It turns out going backwards didn’t crush my soul, at all; it renewed it! 

Circumstances

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them." ~ George Bernard Shaw

Wow! It feels like forever since I last wrote a post. 

*Deep sigh*

It's not that I've quit. It's not that I've given up. It's not that I've said, I'm done. I'm not... done. Far from it! 

But, oh my word, I'm not sure how in the world I'm going to get what I started out believing I would get when I began writing this blog over 10 years ago!!! It's insane! 

I can't even go back and read where I was; what I thought; my hopes, my dreams, my life, in any of those years prior to now. I think it would crush my spirit to do so. 

I feel - no, I know! - I'm in some serious uncharted territory! I know that I've linked to older women having babies late in life, but there's so few... and none - to my knowledge - with my kind of story... my own 46 year old eggs, and over ten years frozen! 

There will be, in future years, when it becomes more common for woman who freeze their eggs in this generation to have babies at whatever age they choose. But that's not how it is now. That doesn't help my situation presently! And I have no advocate to help me through this process;  I have no one to turn to who can say, "This is what I did when I was in your situation" or "This is how things turned out well for me." 

Because, for all intents in purposes, I feel absolutely fucked!

OMG! I stopped typing to go to an article I had read several months ago when I was trying to find the reasoning behind why my fertility clinic in Chicago used 55 years old as their cut-off age for IVF implantation as it didn't seem fair to generalize me in a category with all other 55 year old women! But I wanted to know where that number came from (and mind you, the doctor at my clinic had told me in the intervening years since September of 2009 when I had froze my eggs that the clinic had actually raised their cut-off age from 50 to 55!). The article I was searching for was from the ASRM - American Society for Reproductive Medicine - and it gave all the risk factors, stated in such a way, that it would almost be negligent for a doctor to proceed after that age. But the OMG that started this paragraph was that instead of finding that article what came up when I tried to google for it was absolutely positive for me to see and read! As you know, if you've followed my journey, I'm a "sign" watcher; a "sign" believer! Here's a link to two articles - one a research paper on ethics! - that I saw and opened up.

First, "Although the data on pregnancy outcome in older mothers and couples remain scant, the risks of gestational diabetes and pregnancy-induced hypertension in otherwise healthy women are significantly higher as the age of mothers in-creases and are particularly high after age 55. In most cases, however, these pregnancy-related complications are not severe enough to compromise the long-term health of women and their ability to care for children. A careful medical evaluation and age-appropriate health screenings should be performed before proceeding to treatment."

So, there ya go! About "signs" you're "searching" for one thing and then out of your "wrongly worded" google search you get something that becomes absolutely essential to your mental well-being in keeping your dreams; your hopes, your future... alive!

Second, an article titled, "Women Should Never Have an Age Limit on Fertility Treatment" how could a mid-50's woman not like this takeaway quote, "Doctors shouldn’t use social judgements to determine who’s eligible to be a mom by in-vitro fertilization."

So all of the above quotes and article helped me build back some of the hope I had lost over these past six months, or more. And I had lost hope. 

I wish I could say I am now full of hope, but I'm not (it's probably been three weeks since I wrote the above). Now more than ever I don't know how I can make my dreams come true. I just know I can't quit. 

*Sigh* I know this isn't what I should say, but I've thought of just not being here; not wanting to live in a world when I'm told that there's such an amazing place that comes after this one. I think of my father and my grandma, who both have now died long ago, and how much I'd like to be with them, where they are. At this stage of my life, I have nothing here except my mom... who turns 90 years old in just a week. In life there is so little margin for error. I mean, as an adult you have just a few (but very valuable!) things that make life worth living. Maybe you have a job you love and are good at. And in addition to the time spent at your job maybe you have a family you get to come home to; provide for; nurture. Even if you're divorced, maybe you have kids that make the heartache of divorce still seem like that "blessing in disguise." 

I guess my point is, is that certain things - imo, so few things - in life bring us happiness. I don't have any real thing, outside of my mom, that brings me happiness. I've had an illness since I was 27 years old that has only gotten worse over time (though in the past 10 months I've had some of my best days in ten years!) so I haven't been able to work outside of the caregiving I do for my mom. People have said to me, "Why don't you volunteer somewhere?" And I'm like, if I could manage to volunteer I could have a freak'n job! But what would that job be? I have no idea. I feel like I've had a million different jobs since I graduated college, none of which needed a college degree (thankfully I had full scholarship to college, otherwise I'd feel like it was a complete loss!). I'm not anything. I do lots of things okay and nothing well. And then there's even a dichotomy there... because I feel as if there is untapped potential inside me (and this is completely outside of me believing that I would be a good mother to my children) that just can't seem to be tapped. It's just frustration on top of frustration. How long can you live like that without starting to think of ways of not living like that?

But I have two things that make me try to keep going; to keep believing; to keep having faith that the life I've always dreamed of will manifest; that those circumstances will be found... or I'll find a way to make them! And the two things are my mother, whom I love more than life itself, and the nine frozen oocytes stilled in darkness in some cryopreservation tank in Chicago. Somehow, I still intend for them - and me - to find the Light!