What thing, Eleanor?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

The fertility doctor I had had my consult with called me over a week ago and left a voicemail to get back in touch with him. I called his office the first week I believe twice and he wasn’t available. Then I didn’t hear back from him so I sent a message via their “portal” system to one of his admin staff Thursday sometime after midnight reiterating that I still needed to talk with him. I asked - specifically - if he could call me Friday afternoon. I got a call early Friday morning (when I don’t have my phone on so no possible way of getting it) and I had a message on my VM explaining to call a different # (a secondary phone line I have) to leave a voicemail as my "main" cell phone VM has not been working properly. He didn’t do that. Instead he wrote a reply from the admin (pretty sure that's a big HIPPA violation!) message and said the following, “i tried to call you . dr. KC and I discussed your case in detail and we can not proceed with a transfer due to your age ad the guidelines. We are happy to assist with transferring eggs to another provider. Best, CD” 

So what was I supposed to do? Just say, yeah, okay, that’s sounds fine? How lame is that to leave an important message - like a potential life-defining message! - on an open admin feed? 

Tonight I wrote the following back… 

“I think not seeing me for the individual I am; not treating me as a wholly unique person isn’t fair. It would seem more right to me if you had allowed me to go through the stress test, the EKG, talked to my psychiatrist, talked to my GP, and any other “hoops” I would need to jump through to allow you to view me as me and not some 58 year old generic collective. Giving me that opportunity to “fail,” or not, prior to making a judgement as profound as you have, would, in my opinion, have been more open and fair-minded. I’m disappointed that you were not willing to give me the full measure of presenting - both physically and mentally - who I am and what I’m about. 55 is a guideline. It’s not a rule; it’s not a law. And you well know, women have successfully had pregnancies at my age, and well over! If you read the notations to the ASRM Ethics Commitee “guidelines” paper you would understand more than you’re allowing me to feel you do now… bit.ly/ASRMguidlines Many of those older (62-65) women who had successful pregnancies lied about their age and I knew of that when I was looking for a doctor to take me on - which, in hindsight would probably have been what I, too, should have done. Then instead instead of facing a “No” for being 58 I would have gotten a “Yes” for being only 48! I have no doubt, with my genetics, that I could - easily have passed for 36 years old instead of 46 when I first started with IHR. But honesty, I guess, maybe isn’t always the best policy. 

Obviously, by writing me, “We are happy to assist with transferring eggs to another provider” you fully understand that I won’t stop with your “No.” I’m on a journey - unfortunately for me, a long and arduous one - to be a mother to my own biological children… just like a billion other woman have throughout time. It would have been one “easy” part of this whole journey to have you consider my long-held dreams and joining them to your mission statement; your hopes and dreams of helping mothers have the children they long for. And in that light, I would like you and Dr. KP to reconsider your position. I would like you to, again, allow me the opportunity of proving my fitness by putting me through any and all test. Should I fail then it’s easy to understand why you would not consider helping me. But just saying “No” because of a “guideline;” viewing me as every generic 58 year old woman out there in the world is the easy way; it’s not the bold, out-side-the-box thinking way I live my life by. I’m sure you, nor Dr. KP, would like to be viewed in generality with all fertility doctors out there, right? Like, you think there is something unique and special about what you do as doctors that give you the high, better outcomes that other fertility practices could only aspire to. Or, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you both are just average at what you do, maybe there isn’t anything particularly special about either of you. And if that’s the case - though I don’t truly think it is - then maybe it is better for you to do the easy thing of rejecting me. Even with the full knowledge that Dr. KC was completely and utterly WRONG when he took me on as a patient and told me - less than two weeks shy of 46! - I would be “lucky to get one egg for $10,000.” He was wrong x 9!!! And yet he doesn’t have the capacity to believe in my ability to produce results greater than his depth of belief now? Why? He doesn’t realize he could be wrong again x 9? Because there is past history to KNOW I am already more unique than his belief system ever allowed for! So, I’d like to better understand the reasoning behind your decision - because if you look me as an individual - you might consider reasoning differently. 

However, if you do continue to choose to be closed-minded; if you choose to limit my relationship as your patient to fulfill my life goal, then when you write, “We are happy to assist with transferring eggs to another provider. Best, DC” the “best” would be “assisting” me in finding another provider who may be able - and good enough! - to help me achieve my JOY!

Because whoever is the provider that ultimately helps me, will have success! I would NEVER bet against me… just as in late September 2009 when I had 18 eggs the night before going into the egg retrieval and Dr. KC told his nurse that I was “producing eggs like a Spring chicken!” and he ultimately retrieved 9 more eggs than he believed I would be “lucky” to get! What does that say about him viewing me in generic terms? What does that say about me proving to him I’m not generic for my age? I don’t know what more I can say to ask to be viewed on my terms and not the terms of the average 58 year old woman. It would be GREAT - it would feel Great! - to have you “see” me through the lense that the Universe/God has prescribed specifically - and only - to me. 

You also made no reference to a future possibility of having my fertilized eggs placed into a surrogate. Is that off the table, as well? Because I mean, I literally know couples older than me taking care of their grandchildren because of the inability of their child to do so and it seems to be a “win-win” for all (un-surprisinly to me because of the g/p’s wisdom, experience and a more laidback attitude). And that happens too many times to even count, across this country and world! 

Also, is it an impossibility to fertilize my eggs, get to the embryo state to even see what the viability is, and then re-freeze them? I have no understanding of that, but, if it were an option, it would be helpful to have that knowledge to determine if it’s even worth moving on to another provider. 

I don’t know. I’m not in uncharted territory, but there aren’t a huge amount of those visionary pioneer, determined women whose footsteps I might easily follow in. 

The only thing I do know is, I fully believe that a healthy biological child (or children! shaking your head is fine : ) will result from that group of 9 eggs that were retrieved. I don’t believe God set me out on this journey to not succeed. And I have the faith of Job - and have been through enough of Job-ishness in my life! - to believe in what others can’t or don’t! I won’t stop. I’m not at the end of my journey. Walls exist - one recent, basically two year setback, huge wall: hello! COVID-19! - only to allow me to find a way to get to the other side of them and learn from the challenge. Is that easy; is it fun? No, not really, not at all! It’s hard; it’s frustrating; it’s wearing, but when the desire comes from your soul and spirit, there isn’t a human component that allows for quitting. The only component my soul and spirit allows for within me is to continue on the journey to seek fulfillment of the seed planted within to bear fruit. When the journey ends - and, yes, whether a child results or not - I will have known that I was a faithful servant to my calling and because of that alone, I will know both peace and joy. 

Sincerely, 

L” 

What thing, Eleanor, must I do next?

The Closing Chapters?

"The impossible only exists until we find a way to make it possible." ~ Mike Horn

Last Wednesday I had a phone consult with the fertility clinic doctor - the same clinic I went to when I got my 9 eggs retrieved in 2009, two weeks shy of turning 46. 

Since 2019 it had taken me forever to get up the courage to talk to either of the two doctors. I had asked to speak to the colleague of my original doctor because when I went to the clinic in 2019 I had an appointment set up with the "main" doctor only to have him go out of town at the last minute. And, as I explained to the clinic staff then, the flights and accommodations for me to be in Chicago had already been paid for; it was basically a, then thing or never thing, so my appointment was re-scheduled with the "other" doctor face-to-face and we had a good thirty minute conversation. 

Remember, in 2009 I only ever had a phone consult with the fertility doctor (he didn't even have a colleague back then) up until the five minutes before the anesthesiologist put me under. So it wasn't as if I had developed some loyalty rapport with him. I liked him for the five minutes I met him in person... especially since he promised to - and did! - honor my request (even though he was adamant it would be worthless!) to get any germinal vesicle cells! 

OMG! Just writing the above and the memories of these intervening years come flooding at me! Twelve! Twelve YEARS have gone by since then. I just had my 58th birthday two weeks ago. 58!!! LOL! I mean, what the fvck can you do, but LOL at this adventure... or mis-adventure! Do we know what it is yet? Obviously, both - adventure AND mis-adventure! But what is the final outcome? Adventure would equate positivity to the journey's end. Misadventure I think would be more along the lines of negativity, overall. But I have to say, misadventures can be highly amusing and highly wisdom-building. 

*Timed out for a 10 minute talk with God at this point* Like, just went back to the beginning of this journey with him. Blamed him, lol, for the "bright" idea of writing about a journey of faith to attain a MIRACLE - the "Hero's Journey" (which I had no idea that even was a was as I began writing) to fight the dragons and bring home the boon. I was like - to God! - I'm just a human being; I'm not smart enough to have thought up the idea on my own! So, I gave him 90% of the blame and I took 10! But, I continued with him, I'm #TeamGod no matter what happens! However, I added, it would seem lame to put me on the journey without the miracle at the end. But look what you did to Job!!! At least I haven't had to deal with pestilence! I really can't imagine an ending that doesn't give me the miracle, but then again, I'm human and God is God, and I believe God is capable of all things! Maybe it's my human naivety. Maybe I live in Dreamland more often than I should. Maybe my mustard seed of FAITH just doesn't allow me to think any differently. Like, it's not that I don't realize the odds against me are millions-to-one; that it will take a million miracles to make just the one. I know that. But, I don't know how this story ends. And you don't know how this story ends yet, either! 

So, when I got on the telemedicine appointment I think my first words were something about me being so scared, or anxious, to be having the appointment, but Dr. H made some jokey remark asking if he looked so intimidating. No, I said, you don't. And from there we went into the consult. I had to briefly bring him up to speed on my journey with the clinic; how he got involved and what I wanted to do by the end of the year - which is try to get pregnant myself using my own eggs! But I told him that I only wanted one "straw" (each straw has three eggs in them and I have six "mature" eggs). I guess they like those best, the mature ones, but - for some unknown reason - I've always felt like the immature and GVC would be more protected coming out of a long freeze and might be "coached" into "crossing the finish line" better intact to receive the sperm and more hardy for the journey of becoming my child. 

Which makes me think - this whole journey is going to give me a lot of insight on my intuition - or lack thereof! - and on, most likely, my whole world view: spiritual, psychological, emotional and physical. But, hey, can you ever really take a journey... any journey! - hell, it might even be to the grocery store! - wherein you don't come back from it, maybe even in the smallest of ways, a different person? Isn't that what Life is? Continually journeying forward to try to change and grow in positive ways that make some small impact on the greater good of ALL? Whether or not you ever even know what that good might be? That's Faith, right?

So then in the consult we finally got to the question of whether they would take me on as a patient three years over the recommended ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine) 55 year cut-off age? My feeling regarding that is, the age of cutting off a woman receiving embryo's after 55 is a "recommendation" it's not a rule; it's not a law. My thought is, look at me as the individual I am! I'm not a generic 58 year old. I'm unique and I deserve to been seen uniquely. And why not just make me go through the stress tests and the EKG test, get the psychological analysis, the letter of good health from my GP, etc. and see what it all adds up to? If it adds up poorly then require that I have a surrogate, but if it adds up well, let me have at least my one try! Plus, I'm using my own eggs! It's not like I'm taking from something that isn't mine already. 

So, now just waiting to hear back. If my fertility clinic after all these years won't stick with me... and that's a whole other thing (btw, you better believe that I will pick my ball up from the sandbox and go "play" elsewhere... in the world)! For instance, I follow the clinic on Instagram (the place where every company and every brand is happy and wants to make you - their customer - just as happy, lol!) and I told the doctor, I see everyone - every race, every couple (same sex or not), every "problem" pregnancy represented, but me. I told him, your Instagram page is all about rejoicing in how many various groups of people and individuals you give their dream of a child to, but I don't see me! I don't see the woman - who has the same hopes, dreams and obstacles of the others, only with more time trying to overcome them! - represented, at all. Where am I in your Instagram "story?" Where am I advocated for by you as a part of the "diverse family" you say you serve? Because I don't see it; I don't feel it; it certainly doesn't make for a feeling of not being abandoned. 

Bottom line, a "no" will not deter me. A "no" from the original clinic - where I already beat their odds given to me 9 times over at a "late" age - will only make me move on to another clinic that will help me try, as best as can be done, to beat the odds again. 

See, the story won't be over until the eggs have had their say. The story will only end when the eggs either bring a child to me or they don't. Now the story is becoming about those 9 oocytes cryopreserved in a dark container somewhere "out there;" the story is about who they are; what are they made of; do they have the ability of reaching their full potential? What - the biggest question might be - is their potential? 

Word Talk... with Wine!

“I pray that when you look around at the sun, the moon, and the stars above, at smiles on faces, at love and beauty brought to dismal places, you know that God’s hand has held the brush to the blank canvas of our world and colored if with magnificent and unending graces.” ~ Me (LKP)

Hear word talk... with wine

Lol, I already slightly disagree with myself regarding fate and California! I'll explain in my next post.