*Deep sigh*
It didn’t work.
Fortunately, I’m not talking about the IVF. But the guy I asked to be my sperm donor, the guy who said “yes” to being the father of my child after many hours of conversation together, the guy I was supposed to travel to Chicago with to begin the end of this journey, backed out at the last minute.
I had started to suspect something might be wrong a few days after he had given me his final affirmative answer. I had texted him about the travel arrangements and asked if he would want to stay an extra day in Chicago to go to a baseball game and I didn’t hear back. When I didn’t hear back, I texted him I had needed to make an “executive decision” in order to get the best airfare price so I was going to leave the arrangements just as we had discussed. But when another day went by without hearing from him, I decided that I would drop by his house to check in and make sure everything was okay. I think somewhere in my posts I must have written about how “J” is a really good-souled guy, but with deep personal problems... namely alcoholism. He had been six weeks sober when we had been talking about this “brighter future” we might live with a newborn baby. He seemed excited.
But when I did stop by his house in the late afternoon, he didn’t answer the knock on his front door. I could see through the blinds that the big screen tv was on ESPN. I knocked more but - though I suspected he was on the couch where I couldn’t see him - he never answered. I went about running errands around town and then when it got dark I parked up the street and walked back to his house. By this time, surrounded by the darkness outside, I could clearly see him sitting on the couch watching the tv in probably the exact same place as he was earlier in the day. I called but he didn't answer. I texted him that I would drop by his house the next day, though I had no intention to. I just wanted to make him answer me. Finally, two days later he texted me, “L I’ve prayed about this for days. I’m just not able to do this. I hope we can remain friends. J”
I was not just flabbergasted - because, like I said, we had spent a great deal of quality time in the previous month discussing everything! - but upset, as well. I probably should have waited - though maybe it wouldn’t have made much difference - but I texted him back immediately saying, “Yep. Totally. It will take a long time to get back to the level of friendship I have had with you b/c you basically fucked me over, but def appreciate your honesty now. I’m happy actually... because I know my kids will have the father that they deserve! I don’t want them to have someone that doesn’t think they’re the shit, lol, because I just know they will be awesome personified! Good luck in your life; I wish you all the best! Have a good one! Laters : )“
And now that has been six months ago.
I actually forgave him probably within a month-and-a-half. I just had this weighty feeling - whether it was true or not, I don't know - that maybe him making the kind of life-altering decision about becoming the father of a child - even though he wouldn't be financially responsible - was what made him go back to drinking alcohol. I also thought, and again, this was just a feeling, not anything I knew for sure, that he may have talked with his mom about what he and I had agreed to and she - being the controlling figure in his life that she is - may have said that if he went through with his plans, he would have been cut out of his inheritance. And J being the lost soul that he is - and mind you, he comes from a very smart, high-achieving family... his father and brother are both cardiologist and his sister is an attorney - a guy who has been down-on-his-luck for most of his adult life, fighting the disease of alcoholism, and really surviving financially off the good-will of his parent's - just couldn't afford to be left feeling as if his life might be altered too adversely for what it was worth to leave the legacy of child to this world. Nevertheless, it felt devastating to me. But I had to move on. I had to keep planning; keep trying to get the baby I so desperately wanted; the baby I felt was out there waiting to come to me.
To be continued...
But when I did stop by his house in the late afternoon, he didn’t answer the knock on his front door. I could see through the blinds that the big screen tv was on ESPN. I knocked more but - though I suspected he was on the couch where I couldn’t see him - he never answered. I went about running errands around town and then when it got dark I parked up the street and walked back to his house. By this time, surrounded by the darkness outside, I could clearly see him sitting on the couch watching the tv in probably the exact same place as he was earlier in the day. I called but he didn't answer. I texted him that I would drop by his house the next day, though I had no intention to. I just wanted to make him answer me. Finally, two days later he texted me, “L I’ve prayed about this for days. I’m just not able to do this. I hope we can remain friends. J”
I was not just flabbergasted - because, like I said, we had spent a great deal of quality time in the previous month discussing everything! - but upset, as well. I probably should have waited - though maybe it wouldn’t have made much difference - but I texted him back immediately saying, “Yep. Totally. It will take a long time to get back to the level of friendship I have had with you b/c you basically fucked me over, but def appreciate your honesty now. I’m happy actually... because I know my kids will have the father that they deserve! I don’t want them to have someone that doesn’t think they’re the shit, lol, because I just know they will be awesome personified! Good luck in your life; I wish you all the best! Have a good one! Laters : )“
And now that has been six months ago.
I actually forgave him probably within a month-and-a-half. I just had this weighty feeling - whether it was true or not, I don't know - that maybe him making the kind of life-altering decision about becoming the father of a child - even though he wouldn't be financially responsible - was what made him go back to drinking alcohol. I also thought, and again, this was just a feeling, not anything I knew for sure, that he may have talked with his mom about what he and I had agreed to and she - being the controlling figure in his life that she is - may have said that if he went through with his plans, he would have been cut out of his inheritance. And J being the lost soul that he is - and mind you, he comes from a very smart, high-achieving family... his father and brother are both cardiologist and his sister is an attorney - a guy who has been down-on-his-luck for most of his adult life, fighting the disease of alcoholism, and really surviving financially off the good-will of his parent's - just couldn't afford to be left feeling as if his life might be altered too adversely for what it was worth to leave the legacy of child to this world. Nevertheless, it felt devastating to me. But I had to move on. I had to keep planning; keep trying to get the baby I so desperately wanted; the baby I felt was out there waiting to come to me.
To be continued...
