M.I.A.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know. I've been missing-in-action for the last several... months. I guess there are a multitude of reasons, some more compelling than the others. But I think it probably, most likely, boiled down to just blogger burn-out. 

I mean, I know why I started writing this blog: it was basically to chronicle my journey to a miracle - hence the blog's name, Dreaming Miracles. I'm not sure how to write what I felt - and still feel - in a humble enough way for people reading to understand where I was coming from, but I'll give it a try. 

I felt called. Like, as in, yes, a "calling" by God. Yep, just as I thought, you can not get around trying to seem humble when you tell someone you felt that you were called by God to do some particular thing! 

However, what I think is, everyone is called at different times in their life to do something that God really wants them to do; called to do something that was chosen particularly for them, by and through their own uniqueness. It's only a matter of if - when you were "Nudged" - you took that feeling; the "Nudge" - as being from God? Did you hear it, feel it, sense it, see it? And when you got the "Nudge" did you ignore it, or did you follow where it led? 

Well, like I said, my "Nudge" was to write a blog about being older, single, unmarried - with no prospects! - and wanting to find not only love in the form of a husband, but to get pregnant and have biological children of my own. I wanted the family I had dreamed of since I was four years old and understood what it was to want a wish come true. 

And the "Nudge" told me - I suppose the "told" was more like a persistent thought that one day seemed to get zapped into my head from out of nowhere - that I needed to write about my journey to attaining my miracle so that when I got the miracle someone could see that it wasn't like magic, but it that it was all about Faith... and that Faith wasn't a straight road easily followed, but that it had many curves; curves that could take you up peaks and down into valleys. The "Nudge" wanted me to write whatever and wherever the journey led; it wanted every curve, every peak, every valley, and every "accident" that tore me or smashed me up along the way, publicly written - date-stamped - down. The "Nudge" told me that everything I wrote would be important later. The "Nudge" didn't let me know when "later" would be, only that "later" would be the miracle, and "later" would be the end of this one particular story. 

As I imagine is often the case, when a matter is between God and oneself, the next persistent thoughts were why I shouldn't pay attention to the "Nudge." "You're not a writer!" Resistance said. "Hell," Resistance reminded me, "you're not even good at grammar!" Resistance belly-ache laughed when telling me, "You go from past-tense to present-tense and don't even know it!!!" 

Now why would that be? Why would - when you have something that you feel God particularly wants you to do for some good purpose - you would be confronted with the swift mockery of Resistance that follows the "Nudge?" I can't be positive, but I believe it is because miracles are special gifts; really, really special gifts, and I think that sometimes, in order that one be given to you, God wants to know that you have the Faith it takes to fully, completely, and sincerely appreciate it... to the point where, when you go out and say to the world you got your miracle, you had been through the "fire;" you'd been tested and come out stronger than you ever thought to imagine your strength could be.

But, for all Resistance efforts at trying to have me ignore the "Nudge," none of them worked; the "Nudge" was so powerful; the "Nudge," I believe, was Faith, itself! And I took that leap off the plank... I decided to try my best to follow Faith on an uncharted journey and I began to write. 

I've written for over 5 1/2 years now and nothing has changed in regards to my attaining my miracles - the dreams of my soul - except that I have gotten older. I could dwell on that negatively - the only getting older part - but I try my best to understand that that means the miracle has become even greater. 

I didn't stop writing this blog the past several months because I had lost Faith in my miracle; I haven't. My Faith still fluctuates just as it always has... though I think I may have learned how to tighten my grip better when I feel it trying to slip away... I still believe! I stopped writing because it felt like it didn't matter; like no one cared if I did it, or didn't do it. 

I guess, I just got tired of feeling alone in this "blogosphere;" alone, wherein, I write and write and write, but I never have anyone express thoughts, at all, about anything I have to say! 

I wrote this blog for five years and never really felt like I needed to be supported; needed to be encouraged. And I wasn't sure why it was, that after all the years that passed, I somehow all the sudden deemed that I needed something from my readers... that I needed to know if any part of what I had to say meant anything, to anyone, at any time?

I never did figure out the answer to that question before I just decided that it shouldn't matter - at least that's not what my priority in writing my blog ever was before and should be now. 

I decided that I needed to just write for me; I needed to just write because to me this journey I'm on is as exciting as going to any foreign lands. Hell, this journey is ALL foreign land... and it's with out a map, much less, an itinerary... and as I've learned - because it's the way I travel to real foreign lands! - not knowing anything about where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how things can possibly "work out" is the most exciting - and life-changing part of the journeying experience. All the personal growth I've gotten while traveling has been when - faced with the unknown - I've just said, "Fuck it," and proceeded on... even when things went wrong, I kept going... until they were made right.