Sweetness and Light

Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory - George S. Patton

I've always wanted to try to remain positive on my quest and in writing this blog, but I've also wanted to say when all is not sweetness and light, and right now, all is not sweetness and light.

I'm depressed. I feel like my illness has taken away nearly a year of my life. And at 47 years old on a quest to meet a guy and get married, I really can't afford to have this happening. It almost seems funny to have written what I just wrote. I mean, when can anyone ever afford to be sick? But my point is, that while opportunities exist for me to be out and about in the world possibly meeting my future husband, I'm unable to take advantage of them. I feel too sick to go anywhere.

Depressing thoughts lead to other depressing thoughts and the main one is: WTH? What the hell am I thinking in even embarking on this quest of marriage and children (of my own, no less!) at this age? Why do I feel like there should even be a remote bit of hope to hang onto in regards to my dreams coming true? Why does half of me wonder if I'm living in La La land and the other half of me hold so tightly to having faith that my heart's desire will be realized?

Am I listening to God, or am I just trying to play god? I really don't know.

I've heard before someone say that you know your living God's will for your life when things come easily; when it's not a struggle; basically when it feels as if things are running like clockwork. Well, that's definitely not what's going on with me! Everything feels like a struggle!

So does it just mean I should quit the quest, that I'm probably not in the "flow" of what God wants for my life? That if He wanted what I wanted for my life then it would all fall into place easily?

And this is where I have a problem; where I question my questions. Because when I think about quitting I have feelings that rise up in me that rarely make appearances: drive, determination, perseverance, fortitude. And because I know that those attributes are so uncommon in me it makes me feel as if they are rising to the surface for a reason: that I should keep pursuing this dream I have until I get to the end of the story. I'm not at the end of the story. I'll know when I get there.

The Gall of it All

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow - Orison Swett Marden

I haven't mentioned in a while what I've been going through regarding my health. Things have not been good. My nausea almost never goes away. I've now lost a total of thirty-seven pounds since this health issue started (I was twelve pounds overweight then). I am currently twenty-seven pounds under the weight where I feel my best and most comfortable - 172 pounds - so that puts me at 144 pounds. I'm six feet tall, so it really feels way too skinny for me.

I tried a Naturopaths suggestion of diet and supplements for a month and felt worse. Now, for the past month and a half, I've been seeing a Chinese medical doctor for acupuncture treatments and things aren't much better. My General Practice doctor, Dr. M., (who practices holistic medicine) is going to test me for heavy metals, like mercury, and see if that tells her anything helpful. But even she is getting to the point that she thinks my gallbladder may need to come out (it has been functioning well below normal).

My gastroenterologist seemed to say that having my gallbladder removed would be a fifty-fifty chance of helping my condition (of course, outside of the pure risk of any surgery, he also said that a side affect could be diarrhea for the rest of my life). But Dr. M. thinks that the odds are much higher that I would be helped and that she would be able to keep me from the diarrhea syndrome.

Anyway, she's referred me to a doctor she called "knife happy," but she said, "he knows what he's doing when it comes to gallbladders!"

Baby Steps

Believe that you have it, and you have it - Old Latin proverb

In my last post I mentioned that I got a six month subscription to eHarmony. But I said that I hadn't tried to contact any guys yet. Well, I finally did. I came across a guy that not only looked attractive to me, but who had interesting interests and also seemed "aware" (he did live in Auckland, New Zealand, but, in my mind, that was a plus). So, I contacted him; wrote him a short note with a compliment. And result.... never heard back. But, once again, I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something hard for me to do. I have to give myself props for taking the action - baby steps.

Harmony Season is Open

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I recently got a six month subscription to the online dating site eHarmony. Ugh. It's really not my thing, but I am so trying to be open to it. On eHarmony you can open your profile to guys worldwide and I like that. I feel like why limit myself just because I live in one place and the guy that could be right for me doesn't?

Anyway, as of now, I'm just letting any guy that has interest contact me and then I decide whether or not I want to pursue it further, as opposed to me finding a guy who looks attractive, with a profile I find interesting, and initiating contact with him.

When I talk about trying to be more open I definitely feel like I should be more open to taking the first step in communicating with a guy, but so far I can't bring myself to do it. Is it just my old-fashioned nature to think that the guy should be the pursuer even in this kind of dating format?

There have been two guys (out of hundreds) whose profiles made me want them to contact me - they haven't. Don't you think if they looked at my photo, and read my profile, they'd make a move to communicate with me if they were interested? And since they haven't, I should just assume that, for whatever reason, I'm just not their "type?" It's only my first month so I'm still struggling with these questions. Am I projecting - to my detriment - or am I smartly protecting?

This eHarmony experience is pretty "out there" for me. It's just strange, but again I'm trying to be open - I'm really working at it. For instance, even though I'm tall - 6'0 - I'm not attracted to really tall guys. A guy that is 6'4 is my limit of interest. The funny thing is, I don't mind a guy a few inches shorter than me, but I don't want him much more than a few inches taller either.

My bias may harken back to growing up tall at a time when it was more unusual. I mean I use to have kids stare at me, people whisper behind my back, and some outright say stupid stuff like, "How's the weather up there?" For a teenager it felt pretty humiliating (I even had an older sister who was 6'2 and carried herself confidently that was a good role model for me and it still wasn't easy). My brothers were 6'2 and 6'3 - tall, but that was more a "normal" height for guys. If they had been 6'7 or 6'8 they probably would have gotten the same kind of treatment that my sister and I did. Anyway, one guy who messaged me on eHarmony is 6'6. The me that knows I'm not attracted to really tall guys didn't want to correspond back to him. The me that is trying to be more open didn't want to either, but did.

I'll give you a little more insight into me by posting our back-and-forth messaging.

First, he messaged me: Great profile! Do you ever get to ______? Best - M

My reply: Yep, I actually do. Usually once a year.

He writes back: Nice! When will you be coming? I would like to meet you! Dinner or drinks on me! Best - M

I then reply: Probably not until September. And, dinner and drinks on you? Sounds good for me, but could be a little painful for you - I'm 6'0 and weigh like 170!

Which makes him say: Lol... I'm taller than you, and weigh more as well.

And that's where, as of today, it stands. My point is, that I'm communicating with a guy I can't even tell if I'd be remotely physically attracted to even after viewing photos of him! This online dating is just not the same as seeing someone in person, talking to them and then being able to make an on-the-spot assessment.

I think this is all just a test of how open I can be. How far I can take myself from my set-in-my-way patterns of being.

UPDATE: Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think M. got my joke. When he wrote, dinner or drinks on me, I pictured myself enjoying a nice filet mignon, sipping on a martini, all while plopped down literally on his back or something. My joke was that literally eating ON him could prove to be a bit uncomfortable. I think he thought I was joking that due to my height and weight, he'd be paying a pretty penny for my pig out! What do you think?

Photos From My Chicago Trip (read prior post to understand!)

My original "nosebleed" section seat behind the stage.

From the "nosebleed" to this - sweet!

Bono!

About to enter Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play!