Soul Love

"When suffering comes, we yearn for some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one." ~ Mignon McLaughlin

So, if you read my response to C.'s email in my previous post, you know that I was completely shocked, mad and saddened. Nothing he had said or done previously (except the recent, small thing of stopping his normal sign off of "Yours, C." or "Y., C.") prepared me at all for what he threw at me! It felt like, the old cliche: a knife in the back!

But, in the end, what I said was/is true. I still feel hurt, upset, sad, frustrated, but I’m not mad at C. And, like I said, not being mad a him and still being able to offer him my love, well, that just comes from my soul, not the human part of me... that soul part of me just does not know any other way... it  loves C. just as he is, no matter what (and, yes, it is very hard to comprehend!).

And it was that soul part of myself that reminded me of exactly what I needed to know and feel to begin healing once again from C.'s wounds. Because as you may recall, I had been through this with C. before, back in January, when he gave me his "final" break-up by choosing his childhood love over me (though at that time, even if I didn't believe he would choose her, I was at least aware that possibility could exist, unlike this time, when I was taken wholly unawares!).

And what my soul felt then, what I had said, was, "I value myself too much to ever be anyone's second choice and it feels good to be free to be someone else's first." I have always said that I have never wanted to try to make Mr. Wrong be Mr. Right; only desiring that I find Mr. Right and he be... Right!

In light of that, knowing that I don't want the wrong person in my life, what other option is there, at this point, than for me to believe that C. is not the right guy, and for me to continue to believe the "right" guy is still coming to me; that I will still find him? Or, he me?

I had said, in my first response to C. upon reading his completely, out-of-the-fucking-blue, final, final break-up letter, that I deserved to see him, to have him look me in the eyes and say what he had to say, but I don’t want that anymore.

I don’t want to see him. I know if I were to see him, I would want him to want me as much as I wanted him. I would want for us to feel complete happiness at coming together, fully and beautifully, and that’s not how he feels, where he’s coming from, so it wouldn’t happen like I’ve dreamed of it for so, so long.

To see him would just be one big disappointment that I now want to avoid. I still want to give him his gifts, but I won’t be doing it in person; it would just purely break my heart...

So, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what, if anything, plays out regarding the gifts, and regarding whether or not I wish to remain friends with C., or he with me... 

Yes, this story continues, broken-heart and all...


*Addendum: C. is in my "Intuition" journal - future-wise - so, either I'm wrong on what exactly I have written regarding him, or I'm not. As it all appears now I've definitely got something wrong! But, I am like a kindergartener when it comes to being "intuitive," so, I probably shouldn't be surprised at being "wrong" (if I am... and as things are now, that certainly seems to be the case!). But only time will tell why I wrote what I wrote in that journal, and how, why, or what, it could possibly mean.