Ressurrection

"Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime." ~ Martin Luther 

Something special happened during my sleep last night. My father was with me. He was so clearly in my life... I felt so happy. I remembered being a little confused, saying to myself, "If this is a dream I don't want to wake up, and if this is real I don't want to dream."

And then later, when I thought more about what occurred in my sleep, the more I saw it for what it really was: an allegory... my earthly father coming to me with a perfect message from my Heavenly Father...  

What a nice Easter blessing to have gotten for someone who prays so strongly to be given faith! 

I thank, with all the gratitude and love my heart has to give, the blessing of having both my father and God so devotedly prevalent in my life.

Get Behind Me...

"Get behind me, Satan. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do." - The Bible, Mark Ch.8, verse 33 (Jesus addressing Peter with what may be one of the strongest words of the Gospel) 

I have been failing in my faith. I really hate failing in my faith!

I know that I am just a simple human; that not believing that God has a perfect plan for my life is much easier than knowing that He really does. But my journey is about faith - faith is what I am always striving for - I feel it is the key ingredient in actually making my dreams manifest, so when I lose it, I am overwhelmed, and struggle desperately to find my way back to it.

I have been, this past week or more, as Jesus said to Peter, "...thinking not as God does, but as human beings do." 

As a human it is nearly impossible to have the long view of life (heck, it's practically impossible to have the long view of a solitary day!), but my belief tells me that God does have that long view, that He does know where it is He wants me to end up, and that through faith I will be led there - that whatever trials and tribulations I am faced with are exactly what is required to reach my destination. The hardships faced are a part of what guides me to where I am supposed to be!

But my human heart and mind says, "What's the hold up, G?!!!" (yeah, I do feel on good enough terms to give Him my own personal nickname! ; ) )

I just, as most little kids do, want what I want when I want it! And at the first inkling that my path is filling with more obstacles than I feel I can manage to overcome, I begin to have perfect human thinking: Where is God? Why is He doing this to me? Why doesn't He love me? Doesn't he want me to be happy?, etc.,...

In my faith (when I am feeling faith-filled) I am like a good swimmer happily splashing around in calm ocean waters on a clear, blue-sky day, having fun, feeling good and blessed by the experience I am having with  nature and the world around me. When I lose my faith, however, I then feel like that same swimmer who, forgetting their knowledge of rip tides - those strong currents that swiftly force water away from the shore out to sea - gets caught up in one, not remembering how to get out of it.

Instead of doing as one should when caught in a rip tide - swim parallel to the shore, just far enough to get beyond, the often narrow, rip current's path and then make it easily to the beach - I try to swim straight towards the shore against a powerful current that is pushing me further away from it. I exhaust myself with no results to show for my efforts and I become frightened. I am faced with doubts over my ability to succeed, and even the thought of going beneath the water's surface, of drowning, crosses my mind.

I'm caught up in losing to forces that I feel are going against me. And instead of allowing myself to be thoughtful, patient, remember my knowledge of how to overcome the situation - the powerful current that is carrying me away from the safe shore - God - I feel like giving up. I panic in despair and continue, erroneously, trying to fight against currents which feels too strong to overcome.

But it is in that moment when I feel the loss of being in control, when I recognize that I can't go on, that I am too wearied and wish to give up, that is when I finally begin to hear God's instructions, to feel His guidance. I hear Him say, "Rest your weakened spirit. Stop your useless, furious strokes. Remember what you know!" And what I know is that sometimes the best, the easiest, way to overcome an obstacle, such as a swimmer facing a rip tide, is to go a different route, find an alternate way, swim the "wrong" direction to make it to the "right" place. "But whatever you do," God reminds me, "When in doubt, listen, more intently than ever, to MY voice over your own." 

And, once again, I understand Him; knowing that everything I will ever need I have been given; it is already inside of me. All I have to do is think as God does, not as a human would -  that, in its simplest essence, is faith!

Not a Good Start to My Day...

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. " ~ Kahlil Gibran

You won't believe what happened to me today. 

Just in the past week I told my Holistic Healer (who is a pharmacist by trade, but now does biofeedback and EVOX therapy * on me -  trying to help me overcome my chronic nausea) that I was allergic to sulfa and that if I had it I would go into anaphylactic shock. I had mentioned this to her because she had wanted me to go as far back in my mind as I could, to find if I had had any traumatic event that might have triggered my original nausea experience. The anaphylactic shock was a trauma and it was as close as I could get to my first experience of nausea occurring. If I did not mention it previously, my first bout of nausea started in 1992, I had dry heaves every morning, would usually get better a few hours after waking, and that lasted for over ten years! Then it miraculously went away for five years until this most recent bout which, unfortunately, never goes away!

Well, this morning when I woke up and saw myself in the mirror I could see right away something was very wrong. My neck and face looked like I was getting sunburned and my eyelids were really swollen. The first thing that came to my mind was that I was going into anaphylactic shock (because those are the beginning symptoms that happened that first time long ago), but my throat didn't feel swollen and I didn't have a headache (those are the next symptoms that occurred in my earlier bout). I went upstairs to have my mom look at me and she could see something was wrong and I told her that I thought I might be having a reaction. She asked if I thought I needed to go to the emergency room and I told her I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure because even though I knew something wasn't right, I didn't know if it was so bad. As I was pondering what to do I could feel my throat start changing - swelling. I then told her that, yes, I needed to go immediately and she needed to take me! 

By the time I got to the E.R. (a fifteen minute drive) everything had gotten worse. My face fully red and hot, everything around my face started swelling and my throat was bad. Fortunately, it was 7:45 in the morning and they got me into a room right away. Finally, the doctor shot me up with three different drugs that would allow for the reaction to end. The only problem with that is that I had a reaction to the medicines that were supposed to help me!

It was so bad, physically, and also, mentally! I was hurting and I was trying to leave my hospital bed to get the hell out of there! The only thing that was making me not run was that I knew I was connected to all these machines and I felt too dizzy to stand! I was going out of my mind! I can almost laugh about it now - I remember it thoroughly - but god, it was scary at the time : (

I now have to be on a dose of steroids for the next four days to make sure the inflammation stays away, but I'm kind of scared to take the meds because I think the steroids are what caused me to have such a bad reaction at the hospital. I am so sensitive to medicine (actually, I'm sensitive in all ways!), but I've been assured that the steroid dose I start tomorrow is not nearly as high as what they pumped into my body today. I hope so... it was bad!

I just find it kind of ironic that I had just told my Holistic Healer so recently of my sulfa allergy, and what happens to me if I have it, and then days later I go into anaphylactic shock! I mean, it's not something I talk about often, and it has been quite a long time since I had my first sulfa episode... a really long time! 

I'm not sure what caused this allergic response. My doctor is out of town so I can't try to figure it out with her, but my pharmacist thinks I either took something with sulfa into my body or I was somehow exposed to it externally. Anyway, I'm exhausted from it all... and because I don't know what caused it this time around, a little bit nervous...

*Deep Sigh* 

*This website is not my Holistic Healer's site, but it has a nice descriptive analysis of exactly what EVOX therapy is, and does.

Just Breathe

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~ e. e. cummings

I'm trying not to write any more post of C.. I went that route before and you know the results - more than enough roller-coaster riding to last a lifetime! 

However, I feel like I do have to say that C. is still corresponding; he is writing to me fairly often (and, as he has told me, his love is for me alone). I am doing my best to just go with the flow. 

As it is, he has two more months left on his deployment - which will be the end of his active-duty military career - so, until he gets back here, and if we should ever get to the point that we are in the same place, at the same time, with the same feelings for each other, I will not be holding my breath.

10.01

"Motivation is an external, temporary high that pushes you forward. Inspiration is a sustainable internal glow which pulls you forward." ~ Thomas Leonard

Do you remember a few post back when I explained that October 1st - 10/01 - is my birthday and that I see that number seemingly all the time, just randomly, for the past two or so years? 

Well, I took a screenshot of a perfect example! It comes from a newspaper that was giving updates of the selection of Pope Francis as Bishop of Rome and leader of the world-wide Catholic Church.

I found it interesting that in addition to noting the time as being 10.01, the next words were, "A sign" Hahaha! 

Doctor's Visit

"Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

I did mention in my, Period, post that I would talk to my doctor about how my latest period went - the length of it, as well as the lightness of it.

I basically wanted to know what day she actually thought my period started. I guess, together, we decided to mark March 8th as my first day. That would have made my visit with her yesterday, day seven.

Anyway, she decided that she would send me to the lab to draw blood to see where my estrogen, progesterone (and whatever others she checks!) levels were. And then she wants me to do a repeat of the same blood test one week after yesterdays to keep up with what's going on with my cycle.

I am lucky that I have a doctor who, wants for me what I want, just about as much as I do!!!

Signs of Faith

"You know that the work of the conclave is to give a bishop to Rome. It seems as if my brother cardinals went to find him from the end of the earth." — Pope Francis, (from Argentina) addressing the crowd in St. Peter's Square.

I'm not quite sure if I've ever mentioned in this blog that I am Catholic. I know I've talked a lot about spirituality and God, but maybe never mentioned my religion. If I didn't mention it I may have done so on purpose. 

I know that people have all kinds of different feelings and perceptions about religion (and politics!) and other topics and I don't want to insert certain "hot button" issues into this blog because I want people to feel open to reading it and not turned off by something with which they may vehemently disagree. 

After all, it's really a blog about me wanting to get married and have a biological child of my own at a late stage in life. But just the nature of that last sentence has, to me, miracle written all over it, so faith has to be a part of what this journey is about for me.

Let me put it this way, it would be impossible for me to write about what my hopes and dreams are if I didn't talk at times about God and my belief in Him and the ability of miracles, through faith, to manifest in my life! 

But I guess I'm just trying to say that I never want someone reading this blog to feel like I'm preaching or shoving my beliefs down their throat. I just want to testify to what my journey is - and, like I said, that journey does have a lot of God in it! 

But the reason I bring up my Catholicism now is because it is the basis, the foundation, of my belief system. Do I agree with every single aspect of my religion? In truth, probably not, but I didn't ever agree with every aspect of what my wonderful and loving mother and father taught me either, but they still molded me into the kind of person I feel happy to have become! : )

Anyway, yesterday, March 13, 2013, my Church selected a new Pope to lead our religion. For Catholics (and maybe even some others) it was a big deal; an exciting, joyful time to be witness to. 

But the real reason I think I wrote this post is that as one who looks for signs (and you know by now how big a sign-watcher I am!) I can't help but feel that this image, of a cloud captured in photographs on the day of the selection of the new Catholic Pope, Pope Francis, definitely spoke to me as a sign from God that, yes, He was pleased with how things had turned out. I know I was...

Period

"Will you look back on life and say, ‘I wish I had,’ or ‘I’m glad I did’?" ~ Zig Ziglar

I wrote a couple of weeks ago a post about my "missing" period. I said, at the time, that it threw me off so much that I didn't know where I was in my cycle. 

Finally, I did feel like I was ovulating because I had what for me is a symptom of my ovulating: an achiness in my right ovary. I said that I would see if my "feelings" of ovulation were "on target" if, in two weeks or so, I had my "normal" period. 

Well, it turned out that that achiness which usually last the 48 hours of ovulation for me, lasted about a week! I didn't know what the what was, so I just had to have a wait-and-see attitude. 

So, I did finally have something happen. I can't say it was "normal," but it seems to go along with my whole weeks worth of ahciness in my right ovary. 

I noticed brown spotting on March 7th. At first I was like, "Great (sarcastically), spotting, just like last month, that can't be good," but then the next day on the 8th the spotting was blood red, I put a larger tampon in, it was full, but then after that I put another tampon in but it was extremely light. Ugh, I thought. The next day, the 9th, I put a tampon in but it really wasn't a whole lot of bleeding. Sunday it was still light but I did feel like it was enough to need a tampon. Monday I was still having my period (my normal period usually consist of three days of bleeding and by the third night, and thereafter, not needing a tampon). Then today, Tuesday, the 12th I was still having a very light period but with red blood until about 4:00 p.m. and then by 5:30 it had gone to brown spotting. 

I'm just telling you all of this because it is definitely kind of up there in what is important to me in my whole reason for writing this blog in the first place - how to keep my fertility going for as long as I can so that I can achieve what my truest heart's dream is: having a biological child of my own!

Anyway, I will have to talk to my doctor when I see her on Thursday and ask her what her feelings are about how my period went this month, i.e., if she still feels like I'm "hanging in there," or if she needs to to do any hormone therapy to help me in trying to keep it going longer. I'll let you know what I find out from her.

I do feel thankful that I did have a period this month, but because it didn't feel like my "normal" one I have to encourage myself to keep being faith-filled. I have to remind myself that when it counts it will all going according to God's plan (and believe me, you have just as much clue about that as I have!). 

But that's the beauty of faith: when you really have it - and I think that in this one area of my life, I really do - the impossible seems so possible, it seems like its fulfillment is already accomplished; that it is only a matter of time until it is fully realized in the material world - in my world...

I Know, I Know...

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~ Sam Keen

Believe me, I know, I know, I basically told you that you could scream at me (through your computer screen!) if I ever wrote about C. again, but fortunately, or unfortunately (that will be for you to determine), I can't write a blog about my life and trying to attain my hopes and dreams unless I am completely true about who I am, what I am, and exactly what it is that is occurring in my life. And if you'll recall from my Three Weeks post C. inserted himself back into the story. So, now this is what has occurred...