As If

"If it's still in your mind, it is still in your heart." ~ Paulo Coelho

I remember my grandmother, one of the great loves of my life, always told me to, "Act as if..." She, who lived to her 92nd birthday (yes, she was born and died in the same month, on the same day!), when looking back on her life, said that she had no regrets. No regrets? How can that be? But I know it can, because my father, her son, was the same way. A life lived with no regrets.

But my grandmother, who knew me inside and out, understood that I was not like her, nor my father, in their outlook on life, for I had all kinds of regrets, what ifs, and doubts. All of these "negative" beliefs about myself frustrated her to no end (and I can still hear a, "damn it, L" from her regarding my lack of belief in me!). I think that is why my grandmother was always saying to me, "L, you are smart, pretty and have the ability to lose your shyness, but if you don't feel it, then just "act as if" you are all of that!" She would continue to encourage me, "Acting 'as if' you are everything you want to be, or have, will eventually allow you to feel and believe that you are, and then, you will be!"

My grandmother tried to let me in on what she called "a little secret." And the, "little secret" that she wanted me to know was: that none of the other people who I came across in my life were any better than me; not smarter, not prettier, not more confident. She said, they may seem that way to me, and that they might even feel that way themselves, but it was only because they had spent their life acting "as if" they were all of those things. Again, she told me, if I began to "act as if" I, too, were every bit as smart, or pretty, or confident, that I would begin to find that I was smart and pretty and confident. 

I don't know if my grandmother believed, "she was all that" (she often thought that if she had wanted to, she could have been a famous Hollywood actress!) because that was just the nature of her personality or, if she knew all of which she said to me to be true, because she, herself, had "acted as if" her whole life! But whatever the case, she knew she was beautiful , smart, confident, etc. If she had herself, "acted as if," then she did so brilliantly because, I'm not sure I've ever come across someone who truly loved themselves more than she - and I mean that with the greatest respect, because if you can't first love yourself, then being able to love others, to give of yourself to others, is no easy task. 

I am bringing up my grandmother's conversation with me, now, on believing, on "acting as if" something be one way, even if I feel it is another, if I have doubts, because that is exactly what I have decided I must do in regards to making my dreams manifest. 

C. had come in and out of the picture over this past year as being my sperm donor, but he had finally made the full-fledged commitment to do so in February. I didn't mention that, that he had committed to being the father of my child (or children) because he had let me down enough times before, that I was taking the, "I'll believe it when I see it" approach (although I must say with the highest of expectations!). But, after our last "falling out" I decided that I was just going to take my grandmother's advice: I was going to, "act as if!" 

I was just going to "act as if" everything were still on "schedule" for me to become pregnant. I was going to keep on doing my knee "workouts" with the full expectation that if I weren't going to be having sex with C. then I was going to be having it with someone else! "Acting as if" I was still going to have a baby from my own eggs, at whatever age, was going to happen, so I would still keep going to my acupuncturist, still chug down my "green powder" drink, still take all my supplements, still follow my doctor's advice on using the progesterone cream, still do everything I had been doing - simply "acting as if" everything - all my dreams - despite my major set-back with C., was still perfectly in motion. 

C. or not C., (this or something better!) I was still going to fall in love with a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, get married, have my own biological children (although not sure about the order of which would come first!) and, basically, have all my dreams manifest. I was going to, am going to, "act as if" my dreaming miracles journey, will have its happy ending. 

The story continues, but the ending has already been decided... happily ever after...