Dichotomy

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”  ~ Emily Dickinson

I think I have a dichotomy on my hands. I'm trying to understand it.

First, I really, really wanted to go to this three-day festival in Miami at the end of March, 2014, featuring electronic music. I had it in my head that when the "early bird" tickets went on sale around the first of November, of this year, I was going to get two. I had the idea fairly thought out, as in, I have a brother living in that area that I could stay with, so I wouldn't have to bother with hotel booking and prices. I'd need an airline ticket and, my brother's son might even let me use his car, but if not, a rental car.

So, I did get the tickets!!! I wondered about who I would want to take and that would buy the second ticket, but it was still so far away I didn't really need to think on that too hard.

Then, after having the excitement of buying the tickets and thinking of what a fun and great trip it would be, I had a big shock face me! Something that hadn't even entered my mind, in regards to attending the festival, came sharply into focus. And it was something that would, inevitably, not allow me the ability to go to the festival at all! And, of course, the thought only occurred immediately AFTER I HAD BOUGHT THE TICKETS!

Ugh, I thought, and I really began to try to understand why it had not entered my mind, why I had been "allowed" to purchase the tickets in the first place? Because, as I said, it was something that would ultimately cause me not to be able to go this anticipated event. I did not understand the dichotomy I was faced with!

And the "something" that would keep me from ending up partying in Miami in late March, was that I have "felt" that I would conceive a child this October! So, if my intuition is right, by March of 2014, I would be five months pregnant! I couldn't see me that far a long, in my first pregnancy, and at my age, going down to the heat and humidity of Miami to jump around to electronica music!!!

But, what I was trying to comprehend was, how this thought could have escaped my thinking of it? How could my intuition have failed me? I mean, if I thought that my intuition was strong (and correct!) that I would conceive a child in October, why did my mind not alert me to that fact, and keep me from buying the tickets, knowing that I wouldn't be able to attend the festival in my pregnant state?

I had to recall that in the post, My Cycle, I wrote that I had a "cross roads" moment regarding my intuitive abilities. I explained the high-stakes I felt in believing something, or not; about either doubting my inner-wisdom forever or, knowing from that point on, not to doubt myself, not to doubt what my instincts were, nor where they were leading me. I had written that I had followed my intuition, with nothing but the pureness of faith, and I explained, because my intuition had proved correct, that "I had won - in so many ways - I had won!"

I had felt then, that my 'cross roads' moment was behind me, and I had written, "I could now completely trust my intuition and the 'signs' I felt I was always getting that were leading me in the direction of my dreams!"

So, the dichotomy is, that on the one hand, I bought tickets to a music festival which I strongly desired to attend, without any intuition telling me not to do so, which, ultimately, as it turns out, is against what my intuition has been leading me to believe: that I will get pregnant in October (and mind you, I still don't have a donor absolutely, positively lined up yet!) and thus not be able to attend the event at the end of March, 2014. 

But, like I said, in my, Cycles, post, I explained that from then on, I would trust and follow what my intuition was "telling" me, where it was "leading" me. And I am. Based purely on what my intuition is "pressing" at me to know, I will get pregnant in October. 

Now, I have to understand why I didn't hear any "voices" telling me not to spend the money and buy the festival tickets, if in fact, I would not be able to attend the event based on the strong "feeling" that I would conceive a child in October. I've thought a lot about it. Why, it would seem, that I had been "lead astray?"

And I have just decided that, somehow, someway, I have not been led astray. That there is a purpose for me to have bought the tickets, that I will not be able to attend the festival due to being pregnant, but that somehow, come the end of March, 2014, I will know the answer as to the why of this dichotomy.