OMG!

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

~ Bill Cosby

I did it. I sent it. The email to my married friend, H.B. asking him if he would consider being my sperm donor. I can't believe I pressed the send button. Remember when I talked about slaying dragons, well, I just slayed a big one - the fear of loosing a dear friend over a seemingly insane scheme in the story of my journey of having a baby! My last post said 2012 is the year; it's the year for facing all of my fears and for slaying any and all dragons that try to thwart me from attaining my dreams!

Here's the email message I sent to H.B.:

I wrote a week or so a go about what I called the "Big Project." I mentioned it was kind of crazy and unfortunately, nothing about that aspect has changed. It's pretty difficult (awkward!) to express because a.) it's a dream of my mine, b.) it's been difficult to hold onto the dream, and c.) I'm now to the point of involving you when it was never my intention to do so, but I'm at a loss, so, here goes,

I want to get pregnant and I want to ask if you would be the sperm donor!

I know, Good Lord, right?

I know you're going through all of your crap - marriage-wise, work-wise, other ways-I-don't-even-know-wise. I was with you when your ex pretty much tricked you into getting her pregnant and I know how hard that was on you (though I hope now it has all worked out in in a really good way!)

I don't want to even have to ask you this.

What I wanted all along was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, get married and have babies with him, but unfortunately that's just not how my life's dream has played out so far. And now I'm down to the last minutes, of the last quarter, and I've got to try to make something happen. I'm well into my forties and I'm running out of time faster than you can tune me out when I talk too much!

I don't want to go the anonymous donor route. I want to know who my child's father is, where he came from, what he's about and that I actually have good feelings regarding him.

Really, when I came to *P., back for my birthday in October I went with the intention of talking with a guy I used to know and hang out with, about whether he would be the sperm donor. And things just did not work out. I realized he's basically too fucked up for me to see as being the one for me to ask, so I didn't, I never even brought the topic up and then I left.

It's only been recently that I've felt like I might ask you. I figured even if it was a L.'s-out-her-freak'n-mind-on-this-one, the worst that could happen is that you would feel the compliment of being asked.

And it would be a compliment. It's a compliment to your parents who raised you to be the admirable person you are, a compliment in how much I respect you for who you are: your creativity, intuition, your amazing skills in so many varied areas, how hard you work (and how hard you play!). I know I've told you this before, but I do love you. It's not in some romantic way, but in the way of knowing that I want all good things for you, that I feel blessed to have met you, that you've brought value and interest to my life and that I want you to have the happiness I know you deserve. You're a good person, H.B. And that's what I want more than anything, for my child to have a good person as their father.

I wouldn't ask anything of you financially, or otherwise, but I would also never withhold anything either.

Like I said, I know you're in your own trenches right now and I'm praying for you on that front. But I would be so honored if you would consider what I've asked.

My biggest fear is that because you don't want to hurt my feelings by saying no, that you would just ignore this email, or worse, me. Although, nothing would make me happier than a "yes," I know it's a long shot and more than anything I want to maintain our friendship for a lifetime. That is really most important to me.

Please, whatever the case may be, let me know what your thoughts are. I don't want things to be awkward between us. I promise you, from my end, they never will be.

L.

*P. is the town I lived in before I moved back to my hometown to live with my mom.

Happy New Year

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize that whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it." ~ Wally Amos

Happy New Year! 2012 is the year!!!

Home Away from Home

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."

~ André Gide

Well, I'm at my home away from home, my oldest sister's house (the one who lives a plane flight away and in the suburbs of a big city), and have been hanging out with her and her daughter (her hubby, whose from South Africa, and their son are over there visiting relatives) since Christmas Eve. The amazing thing is that my mom is back at home (my youngest sister is visiting her) and so we aren't, per usual, tied at the hip. It's actually kind of strange, but I think great for both of us to have time apart.

I've been to a few a parties since I arrived (my sister is very social and lives in a very social neighborhood!) so I've gotten to get out and meet new people, have stimulating conversation and exotic (for me) cocktails. Unfortunately, I have had my illness come back so I've had a lot of days feeling bad and it's pretty frustrating.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and we have at least two parties to go to so I'm hoping, and praying, that I have one of my better feeling days.

Nothing is happening on the-getting-pregnant front right now. It's still top of my mind, but I just haven't figured out what to do. My goal is definitely to have something happen by the end of January. What that something is, like I said, I'm not sure, but I will have done something to advance my dreams forward, I can guarantee that. Now whether or not my dreams actually get advanced forward remains to be seen.

In news somewhat in that vein, I did have a really wonderful present on Christmas day - my period! So, like I've said before, I still feel like I'm in the game. To me, it feels like half time (to you it may feel like I'm in the last seconds of the last quarter, so thank goodness it's my story!), but I know that I've got to get a score on the board soon.... and I will.

Perceptions

"One ship drives east and another drives west

With the selfsame winds that blow.

'Tis the set of sails and not the gales

Which tells us the way to go. "

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

So, my meeting with my sister didn't go very well. I wasn't upset by the results, just kind of disappointed.

My sister, who admitted fairly quickly to my counselor that she was anti-medical establishment, proved to be pretty anti-psychological counseling also.

You know, I just don't think she's ever been to counseling and probably has, especially compared to me, limited knowledge of the self-help book industry. Some of us are made to think we have the answers, so we don't need to ask the questions, and some of us think we don't know the answers, but someone else out there must, and we seek out their expertise. My sister, K., is of the former view, I am of the latter.

I've been going to psychiatrist, psychologists and counselors since I was thirteen years old. I first went because my brother, H., (who was a year and half older), and I were about to cause our mother and father a nervous breakdown over our constant fighting. But as soon as the psychiatrist found out that I had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) he pretty much forgot my brother and our problems with each other, and concentrated strictly on having appointments to meet with me.

Back then, thirty-five years ago, OCD in children was unheard of. My doctor, who was a Duke University medical school graduate in psychiatry, had to be schooled by my father on what the best and most effective treatment options for me might be (as I've mentioned before my father was always ahead of whatever game was being played, no matter what the field of study). I guess that's another story for another time, because it is, to me, quite interesting how I was "cured" and overcame what can be a debilitating illness.

So, I have pretty much known counseling and self-help books my whole life, my sister, on the other hand, never needed them, or never really thought them worthy of her time.

My counselor warned me that my sister would probably feel defensive (I'm sure I would too knowing that my counselor and I had a few years to establish our relationship). But when my counselor encouraged me to read the piece I wrote that I had sent my sister via email (that we found out she hadn't read) my sister started scribbling notes on a piece of paper. As I was reading to her about my feelings of what happened to our relationship, I felt like, she felt like, she was in a law office being questioned in a deposition. It was disconcerted because it made me feel more like she was writing rebuttals to what I was saying rather than really listening to what I was saying.

I asked her to stop. My counselor explained to her that it was my chance to finally get all of my feelings off of my chest and spilled out to her and it was important for her to hear what I was saying. She told my sister that she would be able to share her feelings after I read my piece.

Well, after I did finish reading, my sister declared that our perceptions of the "truth" were different. Perceptions can often be that way. But she totally discounted the fact that she initiated the physical abuse, throwing my head down. Her throwing my head down and feeling the whiplash of that the next day was a big part of my physical hurt, so for her to deny it was hard for me to take.

When I asked her why she never responded back to me after I had sent the voicemail saying that I was physically and mentally hurt and that I didn't think I really felt forgiveness towards her (even though the day of the fight I had said I forgave her, mainly to get her to leave) and that we needed to talk, she just replied that she didn't think her calling me back would do any good, and that, basically, since I said I forgave her the day of the fight she just accepted that.

Good lord, it was hard. I really can't see any way back to what our relationship was before.

But she agreed to meet again after the holidays. And I guess I am going to go into that meeting with the sole idea that at the very least, I will be able to give my mom some relief by getting to the point where my sister can come over whenever mom wants her to, whenever she wants to, without me having to make arrangements to "disappear."

My problem is, I don't really miss her and I can't believe that she really misses me either. But anyway, I did what I set out to do, which was to try, for my mom's benefit, to reestablish some kind of relationship with my sister, K. I did the best I could, she did the best she could, we'll see where we go next...

Meeting

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. "

~ Lewis B. Smedes

I'm meeting with my sister, K., the one I haven't seen or spoken to in over two years (and she lives only a mile away!) at my counselor's office in just a few minutes. I'm scared and nervous and whatever other adjectives you can use to describe fear of the unknown.

I emailed my sister a week ago and asked her if she would be willing to meet with me and my counselor to try to somehow reconcile our relationship. She emailed back that she would be there. I then sent her this post to read. I'm not sure if I should have done that before meeting with her or not, but I just felt like she needed to know where I was coming from and what the obstacles to our having a relationship might be. I don't know if she read it or not. I guess I'll find out in our meeting.

Ugh, I hate this. I hate the anxiety I feel welling up in my chest and my breathing being more like sighs in, and sighs out. But I'm doing it mostly for my mom and for her to have as a Christmas gift. She doesn't know anything about the meeting. I asked my sister not to mention it to anyone because I don't want high expectations to be unfulfilled.

I guess all I can do now is say a prayer and put it all in God's hands.

I'll let you know how it all turns out...

Faith and Football

"This gift usually involves hope, confidence and a special composure, all of which keep a person in the game long enough, with enough energy and stability, so that a fickle entity known as luck might break his or her way."

As you may have come to know by reading this blog I love sports and one of my favorites is NFL football. This article talks about how optimism in the face of a barrage of pessimism is overcoming the odds. And since overcoming the odds is what Dreaming Miracles is all about I love including stories that provide that glimmer of hope that provides me with the strength I need to continue pursuing my dreams.

Knocking on Doors

"Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first."

~ Frederick B. Wilcox

My dad always espoused to me, at various times, for various reasons, over the years, the old adage that you have to knock on ten doors (or knowing my dad, he probably said a 100 and I'm remembering it as ten!) to make one sale. I knocked on another door the other day. Once again I did not make the sale, but I also didn't get the door slammed in my face (it was shut gently)!

As I've said before, where I live, cute, single, intelligent, in-the-vicinity-of-forty-something guys are about as hard to come by as chop-sticks at a pizza parlor so, I've resorted to trying to find them in other places, which thanks to technology is less hard than one might think. And no, I'm not even talking about internet dating sites, I gave that a try and it didn't seem to produce anything better than I'm finding on my own by knocking on doors.

The most recent door I knocked on came about when I just happened to read something that a blogger I like posted a link to. I read what that guy wrote, liked his ideas, the things he thought about, and the way he expressed himself. His site had a photo of him and he looked cute so I sent an email:

Hi. I read your blog and strictly based on the views you expressed and your photo, I am intrigued by you. So, I guess I'm just sending you a note to find out if you are 1.) married, 2.) dating someone, or 3.) open to to meeting someone new - me!

I'm posting a link to a few little tidbits of information about me* and attaching a couple of photos of me with my BFF's and another one tailgating before an NFL season opener.

This feels like being blindfolded, shooting a three-pointer and calling bank, but hey, you never know if you can make that kinda shot until you let the ball leave your hand...

All the best,

L.

And unlike the last time I wrote someone I admired from afar, this guy wrote back!

Hi L. You just made my day! I’m flattered but also, alas, attached. Too bad since someone who likes _______, the NFL, basketball, and looks like you is a fantastic catch!

Best,

N.

You can say it's not much (and you probably are), but it's door knocking! I wrote him back and said if he knew of any cool guys, like himself, that were single and looking, to feel free to pass my information along.

Who knows how many doors I have to knock on before I get a yes, but I already have my next door in mind. I'll let you know when I knock and if anyone answers.

*I gave him a couple more tidbits of information than I'm giving you, like the college I graduated from and where I lived in the past. Do you remember, from and earlier post, when I decided to make my own "business" cards to hand out? Well, the "business" card I made has a web link to my "tidbit" information. So far, I've never seen a guy I wanted to pass the card out to, but I have sent the link to at least two interesting guys that I randomly found while reading about, or viewing topics, that intrigued me. So, knock, knock...