Perceptions

"One ship drives east and another drives west

With the selfsame winds that blow.

'Tis the set of sails and not the gales

Which tells us the way to go. "

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

So, my meeting with my sister didn't go very well. I wasn't upset by the results, just kind of disappointed.

My sister, who admitted fairly quickly to my counselor that she was anti-medical establishment, proved to be pretty anti-psychological counseling also.

You know, I just don't think she's ever been to counseling and probably has, especially compared to me, limited knowledge of the self-help book industry. Some of us are made to think we have the answers, so we don't need to ask the questions, and some of us think we don't know the answers, but someone else out there must, and we seek out their expertise. My sister, K., is of the former view, I am of the latter.

I've been going to psychiatrist, psychologists and counselors since I was thirteen years old. I first went because my brother, H., (who was a year and half older), and I were about to cause our mother and father a nervous breakdown over our constant fighting. But as soon as the psychiatrist found out that I had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) he pretty much forgot my brother and our problems with each other, and concentrated strictly on having appointments to meet with me.

Back then, thirty-five years ago, OCD in children was unheard of. My doctor, who was a Duke University medical school graduate in psychiatry, had to be schooled by my father on what the best and most effective treatment options for me might be (as I've mentioned before my father was always ahead of whatever game was being played, no matter what the field of study). I guess that's another story for another time, because it is, to me, quite interesting how I was "cured" and overcame what can be a debilitating illness.

So, I have pretty much known counseling and self-help books my whole life, my sister, on the other hand, never needed them, or never really thought them worthy of her time.

My counselor warned me that my sister would probably feel defensive (I'm sure I would too knowing that my counselor and I had a few years to establish our relationship). But when my counselor encouraged me to read the piece I wrote that I had sent my sister via email (that we found out she hadn't read) my sister started scribbling notes on a piece of paper. As I was reading to her about my feelings of what happened to our relationship, I felt like, she felt like, she was in a law office being questioned in a deposition. It was disconcerted because it made me feel more like she was writing rebuttals to what I was saying rather than really listening to what I was saying.

I asked her to stop. My counselor explained to her that it was my chance to finally get all of my feelings off of my chest and spilled out to her and it was important for her to hear what I was saying. She told my sister that she would be able to share her feelings after I read my piece.

Well, after I did finish reading, my sister declared that our perceptions of the "truth" were different. Perceptions can often be that way. But she totally discounted the fact that she initiated the physical abuse, throwing my head down. Her throwing my head down and feeling the whiplash of that the next day was a big part of my physical hurt, so for her to deny it was hard for me to take.

When I asked her why she never responded back to me after I had sent the voicemail saying that I was physically and mentally hurt and that I didn't think I really felt forgiveness towards her (even though the day of the fight I had said I forgave her, mainly to get her to leave) and that we needed to talk, she just replied that she didn't think her calling me back would do any good, and that, basically, since I said I forgave her the day of the fight she just accepted that.

Good lord, it was hard. I really can't see any way back to what our relationship was before.

But she agreed to meet again after the holidays. And I guess I am going to go into that meeting with the sole idea that at the very least, I will be able to give my mom some relief by getting to the point where my sister can come over whenever mom wants her to, whenever she wants to, without me having to make arrangements to "disappear."

My problem is, I don't really miss her and I can't believe that she really misses me either. But anyway, I did what I set out to do, which was to try, for my mom's benefit, to reestablish some kind of relationship with my sister, K. I did the best I could, she did the best she could, we'll see where we go next...