OMG!

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

~ Bill Cosby

I did it. I sent it. The email to my married friend, H.B. asking him if he would consider being my sperm donor. I can't believe I pressed the send button. Remember when I talked about slaying dragons, well, I just slayed a big one - the fear of loosing a dear friend over a seemingly insane scheme in the story of my journey of having a baby! My last post said 2012 is the year; it's the year for facing all of my fears and for slaying any and all dragons that try to thwart me from attaining my dreams!

Here's the email message I sent to H.B.:

I wrote a week or so a go about what I called the "Big Project." I mentioned it was kind of crazy and unfortunately, nothing about that aspect has changed. It's pretty difficult (awkward!) to express because a.) it's a dream of my mine, b.) it's been difficult to hold onto the dream, and c.) I'm now to the point of involving you when it was never my intention to do so, but I'm at a loss, so, here goes,

I want to get pregnant and I want to ask if you would be the sperm donor!

I know, Good Lord, right?

I know you're going through all of your crap - marriage-wise, work-wise, other ways-I-don't-even-know-wise. I was with you when your ex pretty much tricked you into getting her pregnant and I know how hard that was on you (though I hope now it has all worked out in in a really good way!)

I don't want to even have to ask you this.

What I wanted all along was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, get married and have babies with him, but unfortunately that's just not how my life's dream has played out so far. And now I'm down to the last minutes, of the last quarter, and I've got to try to make something happen. I'm well into my forties and I'm running out of time faster than you can tune me out when I talk too much!

I don't want to go the anonymous donor route. I want to know who my child's father is, where he came from, what he's about and that I actually have good feelings regarding him.

Really, when I came to *P., back for my birthday in October I went with the intention of talking with a guy I used to know and hang out with, about whether he would be the sperm donor. And things just did not work out. I realized he's basically too fucked up for me to see as being the one for me to ask, so I didn't, I never even brought the topic up and then I left.

It's only been recently that I've felt like I might ask you. I figured even if it was a L.'s-out-her-freak'n-mind-on-this-one, the worst that could happen is that you would feel the compliment of being asked.

And it would be a compliment. It's a compliment to your parents who raised you to be the admirable person you are, a compliment in how much I respect you for who you are: your creativity, intuition, your amazing skills in so many varied areas, how hard you work (and how hard you play!). I know I've told you this before, but I do love you. It's not in some romantic way, but in the way of knowing that I want all good things for you, that I feel blessed to have met you, that you've brought value and interest to my life and that I want you to have the happiness I know you deserve. You're a good person, H.B. And that's what I want more than anything, for my child to have a good person as their father.

I wouldn't ask anything of you financially, or otherwise, but I would also never withhold anything either.

Like I said, I know you're in your own trenches right now and I'm praying for you on that front. But I would be so honored if you would consider what I've asked.

My biggest fear is that because you don't want to hurt my feelings by saying no, that you would just ignore this email, or worse, me. Although, nothing would make me happier than a "yes," I know it's a long shot and more than anything I want to maintain our friendship for a lifetime. That is really most important to me.

Please, whatever the case may be, let me know what your thoughts are. I don't want things to be awkward between us. I promise you, from my end, they never will be.

L.

*P. is the town I lived in before I moved back to my hometown to live with my mom.